I told Elise everything. I told her everything about the dorm party, I told her about Arielle and Selena. I told her about Biko. I told her about the cutting, I told her about the helpless feelings, and I told her about being a Christian.

"I guess I thought it was going to be easier, since I have God to talk to all the time," I explained.

"Well are you talking to Him about this stuff?" I shook my head. "Well, talk to Him about it. He likes hearing about your life, including your struggles."

"It's just embarrassing… I mess up so much, you know."

"God is a God of mercy. He sees your heart. If you ask for forgiveness and you mean it, you will be forgiven, and your sins will be forgotten. Just remember God is always watching, not just your actions but your mind. He knows when you've done something wrong and so do you. Just as He knows when you do something good, even when no one else acknowledges it."

We continued on like this for a long time. Then I went back to the dorm. In a few days I went to class. I took things one day a time. A week past, then another, and another and Biko still hadn't called. I had called and left a message on his answering machine saying that if he wanted to talk to me to call but he hadn't. I prayed about it a lot, but still no word from him. Finally Christmas came and I packed up to go home for the holidays. I had to get Elise to unplug my phone and hide it from me to keep me from calling Biko. Why hadn't he called? Was he that angry with me? Did this mean we weren't going out anymore, or just that we were in a fight? He had probably found some other pretty Christian girl at his school. Tears came to my eyes as my mom came to pick me up.

"You okay, Kels?" Asked my mom.

"Yeah, I'm fine," I replied and chucked my things in the trunk. "Have you heard from Biko?"

"Yeah I have. He won't be coming home for Christmas this year. He said he needed to stick in some extra studying time, it's his last year before University, you know."

"Yeah… I know," I said flatly.

"Is everything going all right between you two?"

"Yeah, we just had a fight after I told him about-" I stopped, my mom didn't know about Alex or the party. She only knew that I had cut myself because I thought I had ruined Biko's purity at the hotel that night. "About Selena and stuff…"

"Oh… How are you doing with your purity lately?" my mom asked so casually I almost answered her right off the bat about Alex. How did she know about all that stuff? I decided to play it innocent.

"Mom! I'm not some kind of-"

"I was just asking… I'm not as old fashioned as you think. I do remember what it was like in high school."

I didn't answer. I was still distraught over the fact that Biko wasn't going to be around for the holidays. Maybe it was just because he was busy, or maybe he was just avoiding me.

I sighed as I entered my room. I remembered the first day I had gone into this room. The first thing I had done was light a cigarette. I thought back to the first time I had smoked. I was in fifth grade, I was young. I thought I was much older than I really was. My dad had business partners over for the weekend and they had brought their sons. They were all much older than me; I think one of them was about fifteen years old.

Martin Colbert was his name. He was the son of Mr Walter Colbert, my father's best friend since grade seven, and Mrs Anita Colbert, my father's mistress since grade seven. He had cheated on his best friend since the beginning of high school and no one had noticed. She would come over almost every weekend. I still didn't understand how Walter never suspected anything, or my mother for that matter. I still don't think she knows. No one knows. No one knows about the lies.

Dad was really good at that. He would hide things only I would know about. No one suspected anything. They still don't know about what he did to me… I don't know why he needed me when Anita came over all the time. Why did he need me like that? What had I done?

I flopped on my bed, my head buried in my pillow. But it hit something, a note. This had been the second time I had hit my face on a piece of paper on my bed recently… My heart flopped over on its side when I read who it was from; Biko.

Kelsey,

I guess you know by now that I'm not going to be around for Christmas. I won't beat around the bush… I realise you have some stuff to work out, so I think it would be better if we didn't see each other for a while.

My heart stopped.

I don't think that us being toogether is going to work out.

Biko.

I let out a frustrated sigh, again. I had really done it this time. How could I have been so idiotic! I disregarded the only person of worth in my miserable life, for some guy who didn't even care! So that was it, Biko and I had broken up. Why were things so messed up! I thought I had come to Africa to get away from complicating situations, but since I had come here, I had been broken again and again. Back in Canada my life wasn't always a picnic, I did things I didn't want to, but at least it was predictable. To me it was stable. It had been the same all my life.

Since I had become a Christian my life had been turned upside down and shaken to and fro. Everything was different. I took a deep breath to try and stable myself. It may not be easy but it's worth it. I think.

I took out the Christian rock c.d. Biko had given me and blasted it. Why was it so hard to believe sometimes? Couldn't He just have made it easy? Easy? No. Kelsey Anderson was not a quitter. I did not just stop because it was hard. "All things work together for good for those who love the Lord." Romans 8:28. I just had to keep reminding myself of that.