"You're what?" my mom breathed. Elise had driven me back home to break the news to her. "No… how? Was it Biko!"
"No!" I started but she cut me off.
"How could this happen? Are you sure?"
"Yes, mom, I'm sure."
"Why did you do this? What possessed you to actually go out and do this?"
"Well it wasn't planned!"
"From the time you stepped off that plane I knew you had been a mistake to keep. That's all you ever were and ever will be, just a trashy, heathen, whore who can't get a hold of herself and get her life together! What is wrong with you?"
"What's wrong with me? What is wrong with you? You preach the gospel to thousands of people, but somehow you can't even show a little compassion to your own daughter because I don't fit you're perfect Christian mould! You're not exactly around all the time."
"Don't go blaming this on me. This is your mistake. You're ruining your life and I'll have no part of it. So you better get yourself a job and a husband soon."
"I'm giving it up for adoption," I whispered. The abortion line hadn't really worked wonders on Elise.
"Oh are you? Let me tell you something. Can you just give up a child that you will be carrying for nine months inside of you, a child that you've been feeding, keep safe and warm, talked to, that recognises your voice, just like that? Can you really go through all the pains of child birth and then look at it in the eye and give it to the nice woman in a black suit at the adoption agency? It's not as easy as it looks kiddo!" Tears started flowing freely from her eyes and then she turned around and closed the front door behind her.
I tried to breathe and then stumbled into my bed and cried myself to sleep. That week I was like a zombie at school. Everyone noticed that I wasn't myself but I couldn't bring myself to tell anyone. I cried until I fell asleep every night and Elise would bring me supper and breakfast in bed. Tammy was the most curious of all. She thought that I regretted saying no to Alex but I just told her to bug off.
After the first month after I had told mom, I woke up and was all cried out. I had been gaining weight slowly as well as an appetite. What had I expected, that she would welcome us with open arms? Us… who was us? 'Us' was the baby and I. I sat up and felt something flutter in my stomach. I held my breath but then let it out quickly; after all, the baby got its oxygen from me.
"Elise!" I half yelled.
"What is it? Are you okay?" she asked groggily from beside my bed.
"I felt it!" I breathed.
"Really?" she sat up as well.
"Yes. Do you think it's a girl or boy?"
"Girl," Elise said with confidence. "But then maybe it's a boy."
"Fifty bucks says it's a boy," I said just as confidently.
"Yeah right, you don't even have fifty bucks in cash on you right now!"
I looked down. "Your right, heck I don't even have twenty on me right now. Maybe my mom was right. Alex doesn't even know yet…"
"When are you going to tell him?" she asked, all excitement evaporated.
"Right now."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes." I got dressed, my pants barely fit anymore. I needed a new wardrobe. I didn't even know how I was supposed to afford that let alone baby food, clothes, shoes, diapers, furniture, or a car seat. There was so much stuff to buy and do. "But before I go, I think I feel like some ice cream and ketchup."
"Gross! Toogether?" Elise asked surprised.
"Yeah…"
"You don't even like Ketchup."
"I know… I must be pregnant," I smiled. I was pregnant. There was another human being living inside me. After our… special breakfast, I asked Elise to stay behind and I left for his dorm.
I walked right up to his room and knocked on the door, someone opened it and I wave of memory flushed over me. For a few seconds I didn't even notice who answered the door until a harsh voice came "Can I help you?" the girl asked. I looked at her. She was wrapped in Alex' bed sheets and then Alex came to the door.
"Kelsey!" he said in surprise. "What are you doing here? I thought you never wanted to see me again."
"I didn't… Look, I'm sorry, I'll come back later."
"No! It's alright. I was just leaving. He's all yours," the girl said casually and went back in.
"Big party last night," Alex explained. "She's not my girlfriend."
"Oh," I said flatly. He was so arrogant!
"See ya around," she said and trotted off.
"Ok…," I said not sure if she was talking to me or Alex.
He smiled and the butterflies entered. At that moment I remembered Biko and my eyes filled with tears. He didn't even know about the baby. The baby. It was weird to think that I, of all people, was going to have a baby. I still wasn't used to the idea.
How could I have been happy about it this morning? This was a horrible thing! Alex' smile vanished and his face was filled with concern. "What's wrong? Look, you said you never wanted to see me again. It's not like I could have waited for you forever, even when you rejected me. I am human. I won't call her again if you don't want me to." He came closer to me and kissed me, gently. I pushed away. Gosh, Satan was sure tempting me. At that moment my body was telling me to forget about telling him and just take him in my arms, but I knew it was just the enemy so I rebuked him under my breath and I knew what I had to do.
"Remember that first night, at the Dorm party?" I asked, knowing the answer but not knowing how else to start up the conversation.
"Yeah, it was the best night of my life," he said putting his head to one side, obviously trying to get me to put my guard down.
"We'll it was the worst night of mine, because we made a stupid mistake."
"You're right. The drugs were stupid. I haven't done that since a few weeks ago."
His arrogance really got to me. "I wasn't talking about the drugs Alex… I mean, that was also a dumb mistake but… we made another one and now, I'm pregnant."
"What?"
"And, I know for sure, you're the father."
"I'm- I'm going to be a dad?"
"I'm hoping… I'm begging you to be a part of this baby's life. I know that it won't be easy or anything but I need help. I can't take care of a baby and I don't have the money to buy it the things it needs. You don't need to be around all the time, just help me out in the beginning-" He took my face in his hands.
"This is going to sound crazy," he got down on one knee. "I want to be a part of this baby's life. I- I want to be with you and help you. Kelsey Anderson, will you marry me?"
I was taken aback. I had expected him to yell and scream, as my mother did or be reluctant to help or tell me to abort it or something, but he seemed happy about all this. I thought about what he had just asked me. I was about to say yes, because, well, that's what everyone does in these situations but I thought of our wedding. The person who was at the altar in my mind was not Alex, it was Biko. I knew that to be married you had to be in love, I knew that from my mother.
"Alex… I'm so sorry. I can't."
He pushed out a laugh. "Why not?"
"I'm in love with someone else," I said simply.
"You're in love with someone else," Alex said as if the concept of love had only just come into his mind. "Then why didn't you just ask him to take care of your kid!"
"Because it's our child!"
"God!" he said and swore. He sat on his bed. "Fine. I just offered to help, but I can see that you don't really want it. Call me when you're desperate."
I turned around. Well, Jesus, I did my job. I told him. Now how come you're not holding up your end of the deal? How am I going to live and give life to this baby alone?
"Kelsey!" came a voice behind me. I turned back around. "I didn't mean it!Look, I still love you. I just want you to know that. I've loved you ever since I saw you and I guess I just didn't know how to tell you."
I looked at him. He would never change. I don't think he really expected me to walk away from him. "The only reason you love me is because you think I'm hot."
"Well you are," he said. He disgusted me.
"Don't you realise that there's more to life than sex and pleasure! When you die, all those things will be gone! You have nothing after death, nothing."
"Whatever, I don't believe in the hereafter."
"Just because you don't believe in it, doesn't mean it doesn't exist!" I said desperately trying to convince him. If he was going to be the father of my baby I wanted him to at least be open to God.
"Fine. Look, I thought you came here about the baby you are having. When's it due?"
"May."
"Have you told the Principal yet?"
"No…"
"Okay, because you know as soon as you start to show you'll have to leave school."
"Oh yeah. I'm four months into it, so that'll be soon," I said reluctantly. Where would I stay? Mom didn't want me anymore… Please God, I need your help more than ever. Stuff is so messed up. In the end, we decided that half the expenses were going to be covered by him. I highly doubted that he would come through though.