"Ok, so let me get this straight," Harry said, leaning back in his seat and propping his feet up on his trunk. "Hermione, you were in love with Krum."

She nodded. "Right."

"But then you fell in love with me, hence the kiss."

She nodded.

"But you got over me and became devastatingly beautiful."

"You got it," she winked one long-lashed eye.

"Uh-huh. Then you realized your true feelings for Ron."

"Well, after he got all brawny and muscular, how could I resist?"

"Did I mention I'm the new Quidditch team captain for Gryffindor?" Ron asked casually.

"Only twelve times this morning," Harry answered.

"Ah, well, just making sure you got the point that I'm the Gryffindor team captain."

"And I'm a Prefect!" Hermione giggled, holding a manicured hand to her mouth.

"Yeah, I caught that. So while you two were out losing all traces of your personalities, I gained several, so I think we should be even."

"Actually, Dr. Eye Q. Uvmayonase said that a group consisting of numerous personalities stacked into one personage while the remaining members become little more than cardboard cut-outs leads to very serious problems, including plot inconsistencies and just plain stupidity," Hermione said in one of her random lapses of pointless intelligence.

"I'm the captain of the Quidditch team," Ron added smartly. Despite his sudden muscular physique, he still looked like a complete slob no matter what he did.

"Cool. Did you read today's Daily Prophet?" Harry asked Hermione.

"Oh, no," she giggled. "I conveniently left reading it for now so that we could all see the plot-developing bit of news at the same moment."

"Great."

Hermione turned and rummaged through her purse and pulled out the paper. She opened it and gasped theatrically.

"Oh! Look at this!"

She held up the paper so Harry and Ron could read the massive headline. "SIRIUS BLACK CLEARED OF ALL CHARGES EVEN THOUGH NO ONE COULD THINK OF ANY GOOD REASON FOR IT"

"Sirius's name is cleared? He didn't tell me!" Harry said. "I hate him! He never tells me anything! I hate him!!!"

Ron and Hermione looked confused. "Uh, Harry, I thought you really liked Sirius."

Harry shook his head and blinked. "Huh? Oh, sorry, that's just one of my new personalities. It comes out whenever Sirius's motives aren't explained to me in baby-talk so that I may comprehend them with out the aid of things like my own brain."

"Oh," said Ron. "Well, Sirius and me have something in common. I'm the Quidditch team captain even though no one could think of any good reason for it."

"Nice. Oh, look, here we are at Hogwarts already."

"Wow, that was short," Hermione said.

"Yeah, the witch with the teacart didn't even come by," said Ron.

Harry and Hermione stared at him.

He shrugged. "What? Quidditch team captains have to eat, too, y'know."

Satisfied, the three students left the train. There were other students and stuff, but no one really wants anything resembling real description, do they?

"Harry!" said a familiar voice and Harry looked up, astonished to see Sirius standing on the Platform. His hair had been cut, he was clean shaven, and he looked to have been eating will. But he still wore the same gray, Azkaban-issue robes he had been for God only knew how long. He stank very badly.

"Uh, hi, Sirius. What're you doing here?"

"I'm the new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher!" Sirius answered brightly.

"Um.I heard say this year's Defense teacher was supposed to be a woman," Harry answered.

Sirius looked suddenly uncomfortable. "Yeah, well, I've been meaning to talk to you about that, Harry.."

"I've lost Trevor!" Neville wailed because he never said much else.

"I blew something up again!" replied Seamus because he never said much else, either.

Sirius's remark was lost in the evident chaos. There was much chaos. I'm still not gonna' actually describe it.

They went up to the castle, and into the Great Hall. There was a magic roof and a Sorting Hat and some other stuff like that.

"Hey, Sirius, shouldn't you be sitting up at the staff table?" Harry asked delicately, finding his appetite much diminished after long exposure to the stink of Sirius's robes.

"Maybe next time. I wanted to get to know you better, Harry. You know, guy talk and all that."

"Uh-huh." Harry promptly stuffed his mouth with bread to prevent any chances of "guy talk."

"Excuse me," said a soft voice, "but is this seat taken?"

Harry turned to find the most devastatingly beautiful girl he'd ever seen looking right at him. As he stared at her blond curls and deep blue eyes, his macho asshole personality took over.

"No," he tried to say, and much half-chewed bread fell from his mouth. He shoved Ron aside to make extra room for the girl who giggled and sat down. "I'm Mary-Sue. I'm the random American on which this entire non-existent plot rests."

Harry tried to swallow and point out the fact that he was Harry Potter, the most famous fifteen-year-old wizard in the world, but Ron spoke first.

"I'm the Gryffindor Quidditch team captain."

Mary-Sue giggled.

Extreme anger welled up in Harry at Ron's obvious attempt to steal his girl before he could make her his girl. Harry leapt to his feet, pulled Ron from the bench, and thrust his fist into his best friend's face with all his might in order to display his obvious superiority. They fell to the floor, punching and kicking and cursing each other in the way that best friends do.

McGonagall arrived to pull them apart and marched them down to her office where they were given detentions and stuff. Harry and Ron vowed never to speak to each other again.

As Harry got into bed, though, his overly emotional little boy personality took over and he cried because of what he had done and the fact that he had lost his best friend.

***

They were in potions. Ron had no notes, and Neville had melted three cauldrons in five minutes. Hermione knew everything, and Snape skulked about glaring evilly at everyone except Malfoy and Mary-Sue.

"I hate you all," Snape said.

"We hate you, too," everyone chorused.

Snaped glared his satisfaction at this reply and yelled at someone for being left handed. "Don't you just love potions?" Mary-Sue whispered to Harry.

"Uh.sure."

"Silence, Potter!" Snape bellowed.

"I just love potions," Mary-Sue continued. "See, I know all of this stuff already because I'm perfect. I've told you I'm perfect, right?"

"Yeah."

"Five points from Gryffindor, Potter!"

"Well, it's not easy being perfect, you know. But anyway, I have to give you my pointlessly long and stupid background. I grew up in America. No particular place in America, mind you, just America. I got a letter from Dumbledore this summer asking me to come so I could save the world because I'm actually the embodiment of all four houses and I'm going to help you defeat Voldemort or something like that. I don't know, I wasn't really paying attention." Harry nodded.

"Ten points from Gryffindor, Potter!"

Class ended. Harry tried to leave, but Snape asked him to stay. "Harry, I ask you to stay."

Harry approached Snape's desk while the rest of the class filed out.

"I saw the scar on your arm," Snape said.

"Oh, that's from Wormtail--"

"Don't try to make excuses, Harry. I know what's going on."

"Going on?"

"You see, Harry, I used to cut myself, too, when I was young."

Harry nodded slowly. "That's great, Professor, but--"

"And I'm not surprised to see you doing the same."

"Really, Professor, I don't--"

"Don't try to deny it, Harry. I expect you're also having erotic dreams about other men."

Harry backed away a step. "No, Professor, I very certainly am not--"

"It's all right, Harry. I used to have those same sorts of dreams about your father."

Harry glanced at the door, figuring how quickly he could get through it and up the steps.

"That was before I started the heroine and the drinking, of course," Snape went on. "I understand, Harry, I really do. I've been through much the same thing."

"I really didn't need to know about any of that."

"You see, Harry, I know I'm hard on you sometimes, but it's only because I need a hug once in a while." Snape stood.

Harry backed further away, but not quickly enough. Snape pulled him into a tight embrace.

"I had a son once, you know," Snape said. "I never thought I'd actually be able to sleep with a woman, but there was one, a very long time ago, and we had a son together. He died at some point or another, I can't quite remember, but I think if he had lived, he would be something like you."

Harry tried to pull away, praying no one would walk in just then.

"Professor--?"

Snape let go, a tear in one eye. "Go on with your little friends, Harry. Just remember that, if you need anyone to talk to, I'm always skulking about nearby."

Thoroughly discomforted by that idea, Harry left the class and then ran all the way up to Gryffindor Tower, trembling as he pulled off his robes, donned a clean set, and threw the others into the fire in the common room. He used the poker to make sure they burned completely.

"Hey, Harry," Sirius said.

Harry turned. "What're you doing up here? Don't you have a class?"

"Not right now. Just thought I'd come up to say hello."

"And the Fat Lady let you in?"

Sirius shrugged. "We made our peace. So, what's up?"

"Could you accidentally kill Snape sometime tonight?"

Sirius frowned, thinking. "Tempting. But Dumbledore asked that there be no aggression between us."

"There wouldn't be any if he were dead."

Sirius nodded slowly. "That is very true. But Dumbledore rather likes the git."

"Please? Just turn into a dog and chew his throat out or something, clean and simple."

"I'll have to think about it. Though, I must admit, the idea has occurred to me a number of times before."

Just then, Ron, Hermione, and Mary-Sue came in.

"We have a plot to move forward," Mary-Sue informed them.

"There's a plot?" Sirius and Harry asked at the some time.

"Well, there will be soon."

And so everyone sat, waiting for the plot I haven't yet come up with, but have no doubt it will be very lame and annoying like most others.