A/N: I meant to have an Author's Note at the start of the first chapter,
but forgot. Oh well. Now I'm too lazy to go back and change it. Um.thanks
for the reviews. Here is the "more" that was demanded. I intend to hit
every aspect of fics that I can remember annoying me. If you're offended by
any of it, um, I guess I'll be sorry, or at least a little apologetic, or
something. Also, I don't know when I'll update next.chap. 3 is only ½
finished. I add to the fic when I'm feeling particularly sarcastic, or have
just become fed up w/ something that really bugs me.
Chapter 2
Pan back to the common room with dramatic music. Still, nothing is happening. The five are sitting around staring at each other.
And then a black cat leapt into the middle of everything.
"Hello," it said. "I'm Sailor Moon's cat. I'm here with Mary-Sue. We're going to help you travel to Middle Earth in order to get the One Ring, which will aid in the destruction of Lord Voldemort."
"That's stupid."
Everyone turned in surprise to see Draco Malfoy crawling into the common room.
"What're you doing in here?" Harry asked.
Malfoy shrugged. "The Fat Lady's drunk off her ass. She'll let anyone in if they ask nicely enough. How do you think he got in here?" he asked, nodding toward Sirius.
"Yes, but why are you here?"
"Oh, that, well, being horridly evil has become a bit dull, so I thought I'd try being a nice guy for a while. This, of course, involves going completely against my father and everything I've been brought up to know. Oh yeah, and I still have to point out that you're dirt poor, Weasley."
With a wordless shout, Ron launched at Malfoy, fists flailing. He was pulled back and made to sit in time out.
Draco looked at Hermione. "You're a Mudblood."
Hermione slapped him, then ran off to her dorm in tears.
Draco looked at Harry, but as he opened his mouth, Sirius stood. "Don't even think about it."
"But I was just going to point out that he's a whiny little kid. I haven't yet had that chance, due to severe oversights by the author." (A/N: Everyone glare at the author!)
"Oh, well, if that's all you're going to say, then go ahead." Sirius sat back down.
"Hey!" said Harry.
Sirius shrugged. "Well, you are a bit whiny sometimes."
"I am not!" Harry whined.
No one said anything for a while.
"Well, let's go down to dinner," Mary-Sue said, standing up and looking perfect.
"What about the One Ring?" Malfoy asked. "And should I just not mention the massive plot oversights involved in using the Ring, from Middle Earth, no less, in defeating Voldemort when no mortal man--or immortal, except Sauron- -can wield it without being driven utterly insane?"
"No, you really shouldn't," Mary-Sue answered. "We're working on the belief that the reader is a complete moron who hasn't seen the Harry Potter movies- -"
"I have movies???"
No one answered Harry's stupid question.
"Or read his books--"
"I have books?"
Mary-Sue slapped him and told him to shut up. "Or has seen or read anything Lord of the Rings or even knows what Sailor Moon is. That way the moronic reader in question thinks this is all perfectly normal."
"Can I point out the gaping holes in that logic?" Malfoy asked.
"No," everyone chorused--even Ron and Hermione, who had returned to the group.
"Well, let's go. We can't sneak out of the castle until nightfall, anyway, to make the danger of getting caught more pronounced and annoying."
They all followed Mary-Sue to the Great Hall, but took a convenient wrong turn and walked into a classroom. What they saw caused much screaming and the uncontrollable urge to throw up.
Snape and Lupin looked up from their intense snogging, horror mirrored on their faces.
"Remus!" Sirius said, sounding hurt, and yet managing to also convey his extreme disgust.
"Sirius!" Remus answered.
"You!" snarled Snape.
"I told you to stay away from my Moony!" Sirius shouted.
"Are you going to make me?" Snape asked coldly.
Sirius marched over and slapped Snape. Snape slapped him back. After several tense seconds of glaring at each other, they grabbed each other and kissed passionately.
"Oh, for God's sake," Lupin said. "That is just not right. Oh well."
He grabbed Hermione around the waist and started to make out with her.
"Hey, Potter," Malfoy said suggestively, raising his eyebrows.
"No. I'm going down to the Great Hall. This is way too weird. And sick. And twisted."
They left. They went to the Great Hall. Harry tried to eat, but was way too creeped out. Instead, he stared at his food and shuddered a lot.
Malfoy, on the other hand, ate everything in sight, saying that the Slytherins got the leftovers and the burned stuff. He sat at the Gryffindor table because he felt like it.
"Well, I'll see you all in a bit," Mary-Sue said, getting up.
"Where're you going?" Harry asked.
"Oh, I just have to do a bit more sleeping around the castle before we go and do anything. Don't worry, it won't take long."
"Sleeping around the castle?" Harry asked faintly, then got an idea. "Hey, you think you and me could--"
"Of course not!"
"Why not?"
"Because I'm your sister!"
"My sister?"
"Yes, and tied into the whole big prophecy thing."
"Oh."
"C'mon, Draco, sweetie."
Malfoy stood, grinning, and the two ran off. Harry looked at Ron.
"Wow, she likes him and he's not even the captain of the Quidditch team."
Harry felt decidedly ill.
***
"Well, now that we're all ready, we should be going," said Mary-Sue as they all stood in the entrance hall.
"And, uh, how are we all supposed to sneak out?" Malfoy asked, looking at Harry, Ron, Hermione, Mary-Sue, Sirius, Lupin, Snape, and Sailor Moon's cat.
"Why, under Harry's Invisibility Cloak, of course!" Mary-Sue answered. "Come on, don't be shy!"
She pulled out Harry's Invisibility Cloak, much to his confusion, and made everyone pile in under it. Then, as one big eighteen-legged unit, they all started moving very, very slowly.
"Can't we just walk out normally and have Professor Snape and Blacky here speak for us if Filch or someone asks why we're all out?" asked Malfoy. "They are teachers."
"Sh!" answered everyone else.
"You'll get us caught," Hermione whined. She did a lot of whining. All the time. When she wasn't spazzing out at someone for improper grammar or laughing too much, she was whining.
They inched outside. It was midnight before they made it down to the lake. That's when they heard a woman's voice.
"Oh, Melvin," she said, "Is that seaweed I smell? Oh, you know just what gets me going. Oh, you're so wet and slimy! I just love the way your tentacles shine in the moonlight."
"Mum!" Ron shouted as he struggled out from under the cloak and ran down to the lake shore where Mrs. Weasley stood waist deep in the water, stroking the giant squid (A/N: All right, everyone, beat the absurdity of that pairing). She screamed at the sight of her son.
"Ron! What are you doing here?"
"I didn't tell you that I'm the captain of the Quidditch team!"
"Um.oh," she said. "I thought maybe you were going to be mad at me for cheating on your father with Melvin." She gestured toward the giant squid.
"Nothing gets me mad anymore. I'm the captain of the Quidditch team."
"Oh. Okay."
"Besides, Fred and George told be about the affair before I was the Quidditch team captain."
"Oh. What are you doing out here, anyway?"
Harry stepped out from under the Invisibility Cloak. "We're going to retrieve the One Ring so that we can use it to defeat Voldemort. Wanna' come?"
"Well, I was going to spend the evening with Melvin.."
The giant squid retracted its tentacles gracefully and pulled back a little, waving her to go on.
"Oh, are you sure, Melvin?"
Melvin nodded and then disappeared underwater.
"Well, okay. Let's go."
Harry, Ron, and Mrs. Weasley squeezed in under the Invisibility Cloak.
They inched along for a while. Then a bunch of fireworks went off under their feet, and everyone shouted and ran every which way until they heard a great deal of laughter from the bushes.
"It worked!" said George's voice. "Our fireworks triggered by twenty feet worked!"
"We'll definitely have to add these to the list," said Fred.
"Hey, you guys want to join us in defeating Voldemort?" Hermione asked.
"Sounds like a good laugh. Let's go."
And so the twenty-four legs started again under the eleven people hidden by the Invisibility Cloak. Suddenly, Mary-Sue stopped them.
"All right, everyone, this is it. It's almost time to activate the Portkey." She pulled out a three-week-old ham sandwich. No one wanted to touch it, except Sirius, who seemed interested in eating it.
"But if you had the portkey the whole time, why the hell did we have to go through all the stupidity with the Invisibility Cloak?" Malfoy demanded.
Everyone yelled at him to shut up and crowded around to put a finger (or a paw) on the sandwich. All at once, they felt a tugging at their navels. And they appeared at their destination.
Chapter 2
Pan back to the common room with dramatic music. Still, nothing is happening. The five are sitting around staring at each other.
And then a black cat leapt into the middle of everything.
"Hello," it said. "I'm Sailor Moon's cat. I'm here with Mary-Sue. We're going to help you travel to Middle Earth in order to get the One Ring, which will aid in the destruction of Lord Voldemort."
"That's stupid."
Everyone turned in surprise to see Draco Malfoy crawling into the common room.
"What're you doing in here?" Harry asked.
Malfoy shrugged. "The Fat Lady's drunk off her ass. She'll let anyone in if they ask nicely enough. How do you think he got in here?" he asked, nodding toward Sirius.
"Yes, but why are you here?"
"Oh, that, well, being horridly evil has become a bit dull, so I thought I'd try being a nice guy for a while. This, of course, involves going completely against my father and everything I've been brought up to know. Oh yeah, and I still have to point out that you're dirt poor, Weasley."
With a wordless shout, Ron launched at Malfoy, fists flailing. He was pulled back and made to sit in time out.
Draco looked at Hermione. "You're a Mudblood."
Hermione slapped him, then ran off to her dorm in tears.
Draco looked at Harry, but as he opened his mouth, Sirius stood. "Don't even think about it."
"But I was just going to point out that he's a whiny little kid. I haven't yet had that chance, due to severe oversights by the author." (A/N: Everyone glare at the author!)
"Oh, well, if that's all you're going to say, then go ahead." Sirius sat back down.
"Hey!" said Harry.
Sirius shrugged. "Well, you are a bit whiny sometimes."
"I am not!" Harry whined.
No one said anything for a while.
"Well, let's go down to dinner," Mary-Sue said, standing up and looking perfect.
"What about the One Ring?" Malfoy asked. "And should I just not mention the massive plot oversights involved in using the Ring, from Middle Earth, no less, in defeating Voldemort when no mortal man--or immortal, except Sauron- -can wield it without being driven utterly insane?"
"No, you really shouldn't," Mary-Sue answered. "We're working on the belief that the reader is a complete moron who hasn't seen the Harry Potter movies- -"
"I have movies???"
No one answered Harry's stupid question.
"Or read his books--"
"I have books?"
Mary-Sue slapped him and told him to shut up. "Or has seen or read anything Lord of the Rings or even knows what Sailor Moon is. That way the moronic reader in question thinks this is all perfectly normal."
"Can I point out the gaping holes in that logic?" Malfoy asked.
"No," everyone chorused--even Ron and Hermione, who had returned to the group.
"Well, let's go. We can't sneak out of the castle until nightfall, anyway, to make the danger of getting caught more pronounced and annoying."
They all followed Mary-Sue to the Great Hall, but took a convenient wrong turn and walked into a classroom. What they saw caused much screaming and the uncontrollable urge to throw up.
Snape and Lupin looked up from their intense snogging, horror mirrored on their faces.
"Remus!" Sirius said, sounding hurt, and yet managing to also convey his extreme disgust.
"Sirius!" Remus answered.
"You!" snarled Snape.
"I told you to stay away from my Moony!" Sirius shouted.
"Are you going to make me?" Snape asked coldly.
Sirius marched over and slapped Snape. Snape slapped him back. After several tense seconds of glaring at each other, they grabbed each other and kissed passionately.
"Oh, for God's sake," Lupin said. "That is just not right. Oh well."
He grabbed Hermione around the waist and started to make out with her.
"Hey, Potter," Malfoy said suggestively, raising his eyebrows.
"No. I'm going down to the Great Hall. This is way too weird. And sick. And twisted."
They left. They went to the Great Hall. Harry tried to eat, but was way too creeped out. Instead, he stared at his food and shuddered a lot.
Malfoy, on the other hand, ate everything in sight, saying that the Slytherins got the leftovers and the burned stuff. He sat at the Gryffindor table because he felt like it.
"Well, I'll see you all in a bit," Mary-Sue said, getting up.
"Where're you going?" Harry asked.
"Oh, I just have to do a bit more sleeping around the castle before we go and do anything. Don't worry, it won't take long."
"Sleeping around the castle?" Harry asked faintly, then got an idea. "Hey, you think you and me could--"
"Of course not!"
"Why not?"
"Because I'm your sister!"
"My sister?"
"Yes, and tied into the whole big prophecy thing."
"Oh."
"C'mon, Draco, sweetie."
Malfoy stood, grinning, and the two ran off. Harry looked at Ron.
"Wow, she likes him and he's not even the captain of the Quidditch team."
Harry felt decidedly ill.
***
"Well, now that we're all ready, we should be going," said Mary-Sue as they all stood in the entrance hall.
"And, uh, how are we all supposed to sneak out?" Malfoy asked, looking at Harry, Ron, Hermione, Mary-Sue, Sirius, Lupin, Snape, and Sailor Moon's cat.
"Why, under Harry's Invisibility Cloak, of course!" Mary-Sue answered. "Come on, don't be shy!"
She pulled out Harry's Invisibility Cloak, much to his confusion, and made everyone pile in under it. Then, as one big eighteen-legged unit, they all started moving very, very slowly.
"Can't we just walk out normally and have Professor Snape and Blacky here speak for us if Filch or someone asks why we're all out?" asked Malfoy. "They are teachers."
"Sh!" answered everyone else.
"You'll get us caught," Hermione whined. She did a lot of whining. All the time. When she wasn't spazzing out at someone for improper grammar or laughing too much, she was whining.
They inched outside. It was midnight before they made it down to the lake. That's when they heard a woman's voice.
"Oh, Melvin," she said, "Is that seaweed I smell? Oh, you know just what gets me going. Oh, you're so wet and slimy! I just love the way your tentacles shine in the moonlight."
"Mum!" Ron shouted as he struggled out from under the cloak and ran down to the lake shore where Mrs. Weasley stood waist deep in the water, stroking the giant squid (A/N: All right, everyone, beat the absurdity of that pairing). She screamed at the sight of her son.
"Ron! What are you doing here?"
"I didn't tell you that I'm the captain of the Quidditch team!"
"Um.oh," she said. "I thought maybe you were going to be mad at me for cheating on your father with Melvin." She gestured toward the giant squid.
"Nothing gets me mad anymore. I'm the captain of the Quidditch team."
"Oh. Okay."
"Besides, Fred and George told be about the affair before I was the Quidditch team captain."
"Oh. What are you doing out here, anyway?"
Harry stepped out from under the Invisibility Cloak. "We're going to retrieve the One Ring so that we can use it to defeat Voldemort. Wanna' come?"
"Well, I was going to spend the evening with Melvin.."
The giant squid retracted its tentacles gracefully and pulled back a little, waving her to go on.
"Oh, are you sure, Melvin?"
Melvin nodded and then disappeared underwater.
"Well, okay. Let's go."
Harry, Ron, and Mrs. Weasley squeezed in under the Invisibility Cloak.
They inched along for a while. Then a bunch of fireworks went off under their feet, and everyone shouted and ran every which way until they heard a great deal of laughter from the bushes.
"It worked!" said George's voice. "Our fireworks triggered by twenty feet worked!"
"We'll definitely have to add these to the list," said Fred.
"Hey, you guys want to join us in defeating Voldemort?" Hermione asked.
"Sounds like a good laugh. Let's go."
And so the twenty-four legs started again under the eleven people hidden by the Invisibility Cloak. Suddenly, Mary-Sue stopped them.
"All right, everyone, this is it. It's almost time to activate the Portkey." She pulled out a three-week-old ham sandwich. No one wanted to touch it, except Sirius, who seemed interested in eating it.
"But if you had the portkey the whole time, why the hell did we have to go through all the stupidity with the Invisibility Cloak?" Malfoy demanded.
Everyone yelled at him to shut up and crowded around to put a finger (or a paw) on the sandwich. All at once, they felt a tugging at their navels. And they appeared at their destination.