A/N: Well, here's chapter three. There's a bit of swearing in it, but I've been in a bit of a course mood of late. Um…that's it. You get off easy this time.
~Chap. 3~
"Wow." said Malfoy, There like fat house elfs." And indeed they was. they was small fat people. The was hobits. They was all in hobiton staining by a hil with lots of green gross "We got too go this was" said mary-Sue.Evry1 followed Marysue dawn the rode for a long time. Malfoy comlained. "Why do I half to walk so much? I'm rich. I'm not supposed to wok a hole lot." (A/N: don't you just hate malfoy?????!!!!???!?!?!?!!!!!!????!!!!1111 *giggle)They walked a lot longer, until they was in Gondir Sirus said "Wow. That tower of ecthelan is big and shiny" Then they met frodo and Sma and took the Rung from them and all went back to Howorts and used it to defeat Saron.
(real A/N: Okay, I couldn't make that last part any longer without completely going insane. Still, I thought this fic needed a little grammatically challenged writing in it. Now, on to the actual continuation of this painfully horrible little fic)
They appeared in Hobbiton. Yup, you guessed it, no description. Well, actually, it was dark and depressing and not green at all.
"Wow," said Malfoy, "it's dark and depressing and not green at all."
This time, no one told him to shut up, as they felt this was the most intelligent comment he had made all evening.
Just then, the Hobbithole to their left opened up, and a tall man with a long, white beard came out.
"I am Saruman!" he announced so that they could more easily identify him. "But you may call me Sharky. Come, Wormtongue, kill these cretins who seek the One Ring." Yes, of course he knew why a bunch of weird-looking people were there.
"Whoa, wait, by this point in the trilogy, hasn't the Ring already been--"
Malfoy was cut off as Sirius and Remus shouted, "Wormtail!"
And, indeed, Wormtail came out of the Hobbithole, screamed, and ran back inside.
"Fool!" roared Saruman-Sharky-the-no-longer-White-Wizard-dude. "I shall have to kill them myself!"
"No!" shouted most of the group, everyone frozen in terror as Saruman thought up the best way to kill so many people at once. As he finally decided, though, he suddenly went stiff and fell over. Everyone stared in shock as Malfoy pocketed his wand.
"C'mon, even you should have been able to think of that one, Potter."
A cry of anguish escaped the center of the crowd of Harry Potter universe people, and Snape dropped to his knees in tears. "We almost died! Curse my sickly pale and skinny body! I wasn't fast enough!"
No one moved for a moment, not quite sure how to react.
Malfoy shrugged. "Just leave him there. He'll be all right in a few minutes. So who's this Wormtongue guy?"
"Wormtail!" roared Sirius, rushing into the hobbithole and knocking himself unconscious on a doorframe.
Remus rushed in after him, this time being far more effective, and Harry, Ron, and Hermione followed. Mary-Sue, Mrs. Weasley, the twins, and Sailor Moon's cat sat down to wait. Malfoy shrugged, deciding the former party would be more entertaining, and rushed inside, too.
Inside of Bagend, they chased Peter into a corner.
"Now we can take you to the Ministry and prove Sirius's innocence!" said Harry, raising his wand.
"But Black's name has already--"
"SHUT UP, MALFOY!" everyone chorused, even the people outside.
So they captured Wormtail and stunned him and dragged him along with them on their way to Bree. At the rate they were moving, it would take them months to reach Frodo and Sam.
"All right, everyone, we're going to fly down. This is taking too long," said Mary-Sue.
Everyone except Harry pulled out their brooms. Harry just looked around blankly. "I was supposed to bring my broom?"
Sirius rolled his eyes. "I buy you the best broom on the market, and you don't even have the brains to take it with you on an adventure to Middle Earth?"
"No one told me!"
"Well, Potter, just Summon the darned thing," said Malfoy, hovering on his Nimbus 2001.
Harry did so, much to Malfoy's mild annoyance, but he didn't point out the problems with Summoning a broom through the fabric of time and space. It was just safer not to comment on the continued illogic of the entire situation.
He didn't even comment on the stupidity of continuing on to Bree when the Ring was far south of them, not east. They arrived on their brooms and walked into The Prancing Pony.
Sirius ran off to get wasted, just like he always did. Sirius liked getting wasted. There was hardly a ten minute span since he'd been free that he wasn't completely drunk off his arse. After a few moments, the question, "It comes in pints?" rang through the tavern. Mary-Sue stood around for a full five minutes, tapping her foot. Then she said to everyone, "All right, this plot is moving way too slowly. Much longer, and we might get something like character development. Come on, everyone, back on your brooms. We're going to Gondor!"
Sirius might have argued, but he'd already passed out, so Remus dragged him outside, threw him into a conveniently placed horse trough, and waited for the ex-convict to wake up. When the only response Remus got was a few bubbles, he side and settled for kicking his best friend soundly in the ass.
"Get up, you sod," Remus said in a friend like manner as he pulled Sirius up by the hair and dropped him in the dirt.
A few minutes later, they were flying south. Sirius kept weaving dangerously as he sang bawdy songs and giggled uncontrollably. That night, many people looked into the sky and saw a flying contingent of what they could only assume was the most horrible of Sauron's evil, all rolled up into one vague and tone-deaf mass.
The next day, while still flying, Hermione pulled her broom up next to Sirius, who was much recovered, and asked a question that had been weighing on her mind for some years now.
"What ever happened to Buckbeak?"
Sirius looked confused. "What?"
"You know, Buckbeak. Did you fly him to Professor Lupin's after our fourth year? Is he there?"
After a moment of thought, Sirius's eyes widened. "Oh shit!" he shouted. No one paid much attention. "I knew I'd forgotten something that night!"
"You don't mean you left him there, do you?" Hermione asked, horrified.
"Yeah, he was tethered to a really big rock and had no hope of escape. Damn. Oh well."
"So wait, let me get this straight," said Malfoy because he had to be annoying and eavesdrop like that, "you left Buckbeak in a cave?"
"I think we've already covered that!" said Hermione, who was now in tears.
"Then how did you get to Lupin's?" Malfoy asked.
"I ran," Sirius answered. "Duh."
"You ran? You had a perfectly good Hippogriff that could fly, but instead of using him, you ran? You just completely forgot he even existed, left him there to die, and you ran?"
"Dude, you are really slow. What part of 'I ran' don't you understand?"
Malfoy just nodded and dropped back a little, reflecting on the many reasons he was glad to be a Slytherin.
"Be careful!" warned Mary-Sue suddenly. "We're coming up on Isengard! Do not listen, for the voice of Saruman the Wise will cast a spell on you."
"Saruman is still in a body-bind in Hobbiton," Malfoy answered. But, much to his annoyance, he looked down on Isengard and found no Ents. Everything was still intact.
"Why are we passing by Isengard, anyway? We could go through the Gap of Rohan, or over Caradhras, or anywhere else."
Mary-Sure glared at him. "Look, when you're the embodiment of all four houses sent on a mission of grave peril to save the world from an evil overlord, then you can run the mission however you want. Until then, we do whatever I say, got it?"
"Unfortunately."
"Good."
"Bitch," Malfoy muttered.
"What'd you say?"
Malfoy considered making something up about having an itch, but decided no self-respecting Slytherin would back down like that. Not that he was terribly self-respecting after the extreme abuse his father had put him through, but he was at least annoyed.
"I said you're a bitch."
All at once, everyone stopped in midair and gasped. Mary-Sue let out a wordless screech before launching herself at Malfoy, beating him with her fists and pulling his hair. The two spiraled downward toward the conveniently placed and very sharp rocks below.
~~
A/N: 'Tis done. The Buckbeak thing has annoyed me for a long time. I've read two post GofF fics involving Sirius going to Remus's where Buckbeak was even mentioned, and one of them was mine. Well, it's just one pet peeve of many that I have, I guess.
la la la, random person—First, great name. Second, thanks. I'd like to claim that it took time to come up w/ the Molly/Melvin thing, but it actually came from a very strange conversation of which Mud was a part, though she may want to deny it. Anyway, I get many remarks when I note that it's my favorite ship. Oh, an ty about the talent remark.
Mud—As usual, you're clear as mud! Ha, bad pun, I know. But you can't say anything, or else I won't let you read sp. VI of Frumius! Ha! HA HA! HA HA HA HA HA!!!! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Er…right, then. Typolessness is good. Typorificness is amusing, though. It's also difficult to write! Mrs. Figg actually seemed sane by the time I'd finished that bit….
Enter The Red Age—I like to teach people not to ask for my reviews early on ^_~ That is, if you don't want a real, in-depth review, don't ask! Lol. I did actually read the next chapter of your fic, but I never reviewed it. You happened to catch me in a lapse between periods of lurking, actually. I soon returned to my usual habits of read-but-say-little. I might get back to it after school ends.
Also, the Ron as Quidditch team captain thing was the product of the fact that, in more fics, Ron is nothing but a Quidditch-obsessed jerk with bad hygiene and who never has anything intelligent to say. I intend to go through the whole fic w/o letting him say anything that doesn't have to do w/ his being team captain.
Harry Likes it Doggy Style—Er…interesting name. And another fan of the MW/MtGS ship! Maybe we should start a campaign. Who's with me?! Heh. Ty, though.
Everyone else—Ty for the reviews, and I'm glad you like it. Next up, attack of the A/N's! Ha, and you thought my regular chaps. were bad….