I woke up at two a.m. by Dillan's screaming. I sat groggily up but then fell back down onto my pillows. I screamed into my pillow. Why had God let me get pregnant? A few days ago I had been full of faith and thanking God for giving me Dillan, and now I just didn't have the energy to get up and hold him and feed him, again. I hadn't gotten a full night's sleep in over nine months. When would he just go to sleep? He continued crying and I suddenly remembered that there were other people trying to sleep in the house so I gradually got up and took him in my arms to feed him.

I was getting so drained. Everyday it was the same thing. I spent my whole day burping, changing diapers, and trying to dodge the squirts of pee, explosive diarrhoea, projectile vomit and sneezes; all targeted at me. The only time off I had was weekends, and even that was spent working full days from six in the morning to seven at night. Only to come back to a crying baby and go on with some more feeding, burping, and bathing. I had no social life, except with Elise who helped me do the grocery shopping every week.

Even money was always tight now. I hadn't bought myself any new clothes, or treated myself to a movie or restaurant in forever. We simply couldn't afford it. Of course the Lavoie's let me have the room for free, but they knew, as well as I did, that Dillan was my son. He was mine to support and raise. I had no idea how hard it would be to raise a child. Watching people do it was one thing but actually doing it yourself, twenty-four hours a day, was another.

It was now mid August and, thankfully the kiddie pool had bee invented a few decades before my time, and was still open so I was able to do something other than sit at home and try and entertain Dillan. The unfortunate thing was that most, if not all of the moms and dads who were there were adults. And of course, they spared no time in making me feel unwelcome. I always cringed at the looks they gave me. I still wasn't used to them, and I don't think I will ever be. However there were one or two older teenagers if not young andults who ventured out into the kiddie pool world with their children. One of these few teens was named Erik and his son, Patrick. Sadly I found no other good friends; all they were concerned about was when their next date would be. From the moment I started talking to Erik, I knew something was different about him.

We had great conversations and I could tell he was interested in me. I wasn't planning on doing anything with him, I was still in love with Biko. I was just being me, and I was flirty. Since God made me, He must have made me flirty and who was I to ignore my talent for making guys run after me like a dog after a bone? I did the whole act, laughing, running my hands through my hair as well as his, and even going as far as tickling Patrick and Dillan. Erik was hanging on my every smile and word by the time I had to leave.

"Well I really enjoyed talking with you, Kelsey. Who would've known, you're gorgeous and intelligent."

I laughed with my head facing the sun. "I'm not that intelligent, but I won't argue with the gorgeous part, Erik." I took Patrick in my arms one last time and kissed his cheek before leaving.

"No fair, all he does is poop and smile and he gets a kiss goodbye," Erik said and gave me a slight smile. "Where's mine?"

Again, I smiled and then I leaned forward in an attempt to kiss his cheek but he turned suddenly and our lips met. For some unknown reason I let it linger for a fraction of a second longer and then pulled away. "Don't do that again, okay?" I asked reproachfully and annoyed.

"Sorry," he said quickly. "Uh, yeah. It won't happen again." I nodded and left. "Will you be here tomorrow?"

"Yeah. See-you, and Patrick, tomorrow." And I did see them again. I saw them every day that week and the next and the next. Pretty soon we exchanged phone numbers. After the kiddie pool had closed, we still kept in touch and after w while set up a play date for Dillan who was now a year and a half, and Patrick who was two years old and waddling all over the place. I had a feeling that Erik was just using them as an excuse to be with me, but I didn't really care, besides, my heart was still with Biko all the way across the ocean in South Africa.

Elise wanted to come with me but in the end had a doctor's appointment that couldn't be moved. So with Dillan in one hand and his baby bag in another, I knocked on Erik's apartment door right before lunch.

"Hey! Patrick, look who it is!" he said smiling at us in the door way. Patrick came gallivanting down the hallway as he heard his name and screeched with delight, seeing Dillan and I. Erik took Dillan from me and brought him into the living room. We talked over pizza for the better part of an hour and then we put the babies down for a nap. "So what do you want to do now?" He asked looking me up and down.

I gave him a look and said, "I already made that mistake and look where it brought me."

"It brought you to me," Erik continued.

"It got me pregnant."

He smiled. "Okay, you win. Two points Kelsey, zero Erik."

"What movies do you have?" I asked, ignoring his comment.

"Just the classics, Pearl harbour, Titanic…"

I pushed out a laugh. "No thanks. What about something without a love scene? Like Star wars, or 'I, Robot'?"

"I vote, 'I, Robot'." He took out the movie and I popped the popcorn. Everything started well… He sat on one side of the couch, I sat on the other but somewhere in the middle of Will Smith finding the robot who defied the three laws and him saving the world, we got a little closer. Pretty soon, I had my head on his shoulder and he had his arm around my neck.

Why was it that every time I met a guy that liked me, it always had to end in us making out? Was it just me who couldn't control myself? I only realised what we were doing when I heard Dillan start to cry, followed by Patrick's desperate cries. "Leave them," he said trying to keep me on the couch, they'll cry themselves to sleep again."

"Erik?" I asked trying to get a word in edge wise, but failing miserably. "Let's not…" We continued what we were doing and then a Bible verse came to mind. It was from 1 Corinthians 6:18-20 "Flee from sexual sin! No other sin so clearly affects the body, as this one does. For sexually immorality is a sin against your own body. For don't you know that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit, that lives in you and was given to you by God? For you do not belong to yourself, for God bought you with a price. So you must honour God with your body."

"No." I said sternly and pulled away from him. "I'm going to get Dillan and I'm leaving, now."

He was startled by my abruptness. "Why, what's wrong?"

"What's wrong? You already know I'm a Christian. This is going against what I believe. Why do you want to do this?"

"God is just trying to get you live a boring life! You have to live the life you were given to the fullest. Stop following a man-made religion Kelsey. You're selling yourself short."

"God is just trying to keep us safe," I said, scooping Dillan up and handing him a bottle." and it's not a man-made religion. There is proof that Jesus actually existed."

"Oh, come-on. You don't believe in that crap, do you?" he asked.

"Yes. I do."

"Alright. Then, I'm sorry. But you've got to give me a break. After months of flirting, then you cut me off like that? Isn't there some sort of rule against leading guys on in that Bible of yours? I think you owe me some…"

I didn't know what to say… "Look, I'm not perfect… I'm sorry for leading you on like that, but… the answer is still no and your not going to guilt trip me into sleeping with you. I'm not that easily swayed."

"Okay. I underestimated you. I'm sorry, just don't leave alright?"

I started for the door and he followed and handed me a pill bottle. I shook my head in disgust. "I don't take drugs! Just leave me alone…"

"It's not drugs! It's just some stuff, my friend from the pharmacy gives me once in a while. It's just to give you an extra boost of energy. You deserve it after hanging out with a complete jerk like me… I remember when Patrick wouldn't sleep through the night. I don't know where I would be if it wasn't for these."

I reluctantly took them, but it left me with a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach. Why on earth did I always attract such dirt bags? I knew that God was waiting for me to come back to Him, but I wasn't ready. I hadn't really spent much time with Him lately… I didn't want to face Him; He was the only one who saw right through me… The ironic thing was that He knew that I was dreading confessing to Him, yet I did nothing about it.