A/N: Firstly, I apologize for the delay. I just started my freshman year of
college. It's a lil' intimidating.
Secondly, I apologize for this chapter. I had ideas for it a month or two ago, but I forgot them. I just made up stuff as I went along. Well, that's been the trend of most of this fic, but I usually have *some* semblance of a plan before I begin.
Also, I must apologize profusely to Mud. While I gave her 3.5 pts. just 'cause she's my friend, I completely forgot about the other five pts. I'd intended to give her for the funniest review I've ever gotten.
And so, Mud, for your long and constructively criticizing review of "I hate you," I award you five points, bringing you up to a total of 8.5.
Anyway, the chapter isn't as long as I wanted it to be, but I wanted to get it posted. So, back by popular demand (you people are sick), here is the fic:
~~Chap. 4~~
Everyone watched Mary-Sue and Draco plummet to the sharp rocks below, still slapping and scratching each other. One of them let out a high-pitched shriek, but no one was sure who it was. Besides, everyone else was too busy taking bets.
"Take her out, Draco!" Snape shouted. "A galleon says he wins!"
"Five galleons says it's Mary-Sue!" replied Sirius. "Get him in the groin! The groin!"
"Go Malfoy! Yeah! Rip her shirt! That's it! I'm the Quidditch team captain," cried Ron and his brothers, though the twins didn't add the last part.
"That is so barbaric!" Hermione answered, glaring at Ron.
"What? I am the Quidditch team captain!"
"I'll Quidditch team captain you!" Hermione leapt at Ron, causing the two of them to start plummeting just like Draco and Mary-Sue. Halfway down, Hermione and Ron started making out intensely and everyone lost interest in the fight, focusing on the snog session. Therefore, no one noticed when both Mary-Sue and Draco hit the conveniently jagged rocks below with a very nasty squishing sound. At least, they didn't notice this until Remus shouted something about all of the blood and guts oozing all over the place down below. Then everyone's attention turned from Ron and Hermione, who had broken apart long enough to land before going after each other again, to the gory mess that was once Draco Malfoy and Mary-Sue Potter Malfoy Black Lupin Riddle.
"That's a lot of blood," Harry noted, cocking his head as he looked at the mangled forms. Mary-Sue really didn't look half so pretty lying in a puddle of her own internal organs and fluids among sharp rocks, one of which had been driven directly through her stomach.
They were both dead. The kind of dead that dead people are when they're dead. The no longer alive and moving sort of dead. Their bodies were no longer functioning. Revel in Mary-Sues death! Revel, I say! Yes, yes, Draco was killed, too, but it's a small sacrifice to watch Mary-Sue's clothes soak through with her own blood as she lies, DEAD! You see that? That's the gash on her neck. It was spurting blood out onto the ground before she ran out of blood to spurt. And you see that there? Those are her small intestines. Shall we take them out and see if they really are as long as the experts say? I'm sure they're just the *perfect* length for small intestines!
Now finish reveling. You're running low on time. Quick, enjoy her gory end!
Time's up!
Because it was just at that moment that dead!Draco twitched. He then gave a great convulsion and sat up. Having wiped some of the gore from himself (he didn't bleed half so much as Mary-Sue), he glared at Mary-Sue's mangled and dead form, not even bothering to smirk at the sight of the brains lying dashed out upon the rocks.
"Damn it. Do you know how expensive extra lives are? Expendable souls aren't easy to come by now that the Ministry made Soul Searching illegal. And you're still a bitch."
Yes, of course everyone could hear this from up on their brooms. Even Ron and Hermione heard it over their love-making.
Draco got up and used a few spells to clean himself off. He glanced at Ron and Hermione, then at the adults, none of whom seemed to notice their mating. With a shrug, he grabbed his broom, mounted, and kicked off.
"So are we just waiting for those two to finish up, or should we leave them?"
Everyone stared at him blankly for a moment. Then Mrs. Weasley let out a scream and went hurtling toward Ron and Hermione, shouting at them for all of Middle Earth to hear.
After a lot of lecturing from Mrs. Weasley, everyone took one last, long look at the broken form that was once Mary-Sue before coming to the conclusion that their mission had failed. Without the live form of the mangled carcass below them, they had no direction in their daft attempt at getting the One Ring.
Unfortunately, they were also trapped in Middle Earth. Without Mary-Sue's aura of unimaginable power, the tearing of time, space, and logic were nearly impossible to manage all at once and so completely.
Dejectedly, the group flew on to Gondor. Of course they would go to Gondor. Why wouldn't they go to a city they've never been to? Return to Bree? Where's the logic in that?
"You know, the plot device is pretty obvious here," Draco said. When everyone looked oddly at him, he shrugged. "I just said that so the author wouldn't have to make use of an author's note. She's been talking through me nearly the entire time, anyway. Why bother with subtlety?"
With much muttering, everyone ignored mentallyunstable!Draco and continued on to Gondor. No one noticed them. After all, hordes of people regularly flew on brooms over the country side of Middle Earth. Can't you just taste the sarcasm?
So they got to Gondor. It's a White City. Big surprise: no real description.
Because of Harry's glasses ("Plastic! Ooooo! Aaaaah!") the backwards Gondorites revered the group as gods. They dined with King Aragorn and his Queen, Arwen.
"And yet we still want to get the One Ring," Draco announced with a roll of his eyes, as anyone who knows anything about Tolkien's books should be doing repeatedly.
This announcement promptly got them all thrown into the dungeons. (A/N: I would have had Aragorn and Arwen and others actually have a part, but I didn't feel like distorting their chars quite yet. Look for it in the next chapter or two.)
In the dark, icky dungeon, everyone ignored Draco's existence. After a while, Harry whimpered.
Immediately, most of the party were at his side, cooing and coddling him.
"What's wrong?" Sirius asked.
Harry shook his head to show it was nothing. He then proceeded to hug himself and rock back and forth.
"Harry, please," pleaded Sirius, "you have to tell us what's wrong."
"I'm f-fine!" Harry burst into great, heaving sobs.
Sirius moved to hug him, and Harry screamed, throwing up his arms in defense. After a moment, though, he fell into Sirius's arms, sobbing uncontrollably.
"I don't like the dark," he said between fits of crying. "It reminds me of the cupboard Uncle Vernon and Aunt Petunia locked me in all the time."
"They what?" Sirius shouted in fury.
"Uncle Vernon used to beat me and make me do work all day an night and not feed me for weeks at a time! They left me in the cupboard to lay in my own blood." Harry let loose a howl of despair, clinging to Sirius.
"How can you survive for weeks at a time without eating?" Draco asked.
Everyone glared at him, but he didn't care.
"And how come you never bled to death?"
"You heartless wretch!" cried Hermione.
"Well duh," Draco answered, then pointed to himself. "Malfoy."
Harry continued sobbing. "He broke all of my ribs and my legs and stabbed me and wouldn't let me go to the bathroom and made me work for hours and hours every day no matter what and threw me down the stairs and off of the roof and off of a bridge into a river and then set me on fire and hit me with a stick and gouged out my eyes and made me watch American soap operas for hours at a time!"
Even Draco gasped in horror at this.
"And I had to pretend everything was all right!" Harry continued wailing. "I couldn't tell my teachers or Mrs. Figg or Ron or Hermione or anyone!"
"But, um, if he gouged out your eyes." Draco started.
"They grew back magically, of course, you pureblood moron," Hermione answered.
"That's some damn impressive magic," Draco said.
"Shiznit," said Fred and George at once because 2002 American slang was very popular in mid 1990's England.
"I'm going to kill the Dursleys!" Sirius proclaimed. "I'll show them what it's like to be thrown off a bridge and set on fire and made to watch American soap operas! No one does this to my godson and lives!"
A round of cheers followed this, as everyone prepared to storm the doors of Number Four, Private Drive.
"Privet Drive," said Draco. "It's amazing how much easier it is to spell a name when one actually reads it. And besides, there's the slight problem of being stuck in a dungeon."
"I like being stuck in dungeons," Snape said.
No one commented.
Maybe that was because Snape was a dork. Or maybe it was because, just at that moment, a big stone in the dungeon wall moved, and a cloaked figure slipped in.
"This way!" said a female voice. "The kings of Gondor built secret passages into their dungeons so that people who had no way of knowing about the tunnels would know about them and let prisoners escape!"
Confidence bolstered by this complete lack of logic, the group followed the cloaked figure through a long, dark tunnel and into a dark, close forest.
"Fangorn Forest!" said Sailor Moon's cat, who looked very happy at having a chance to speak and be acknowledged as existing. The dungeons of Gondor are cat proof, of course, which is why he couldn't just slip out and find some way to help them escape. Really.
"Cough, plot device, cough, cough!" said Draco into his hand. He stopped caring that the tunnel had taken them nearly to Isengard in a matter of twenty or thirty minutes.
"Your wands," said the cloaked person, distributing wands. After several minutes of swapping back and forth, everyone finally managed to get his or her proper wand.
"Who are you?" Sirius demanded suddenly.
The cloak was cast aside, and a bright, pure white light filled the forest, blinding everyone nearby. As it dimmed, though, and the spots receded, everyone gasped at the Elf standing before them. She was radiantly beautiful, looking so much like another girl they'd known. A girl they'd abandoned the twisted and gory remains of to maggots and carrion birds only the day before.
"I am Mayrriessue, the Sparkly White."
"PR whore," Draco muttered.
A/N: Were a bizarre set of events take place and Cassandra Claire was ever notified of my quasi-use of her words, I would hope she understands I am only saluting the greatness that is "The Very Secret Diaries," (which I recently introduced a friend to, and so have just had to make myself read again) and that it was a very hard thing to avoid in a HP/LotR crossover spoof. I give her full credit, for Sam will kill me if I try anything.
Secondly, I apologize for this chapter. I had ideas for it a month or two ago, but I forgot them. I just made up stuff as I went along. Well, that's been the trend of most of this fic, but I usually have *some* semblance of a plan before I begin.
Also, I must apologize profusely to Mud. While I gave her 3.5 pts. just 'cause she's my friend, I completely forgot about the other five pts. I'd intended to give her for the funniest review I've ever gotten.
And so, Mud, for your long and constructively criticizing review of "I hate you," I award you five points, bringing you up to a total of 8.5.
Anyway, the chapter isn't as long as I wanted it to be, but I wanted to get it posted. So, back by popular demand (you people are sick), here is the fic:
~~Chap. 4~~
Everyone watched Mary-Sue and Draco plummet to the sharp rocks below, still slapping and scratching each other. One of them let out a high-pitched shriek, but no one was sure who it was. Besides, everyone else was too busy taking bets.
"Take her out, Draco!" Snape shouted. "A galleon says he wins!"
"Five galleons says it's Mary-Sue!" replied Sirius. "Get him in the groin! The groin!"
"Go Malfoy! Yeah! Rip her shirt! That's it! I'm the Quidditch team captain," cried Ron and his brothers, though the twins didn't add the last part.
"That is so barbaric!" Hermione answered, glaring at Ron.
"What? I am the Quidditch team captain!"
"I'll Quidditch team captain you!" Hermione leapt at Ron, causing the two of them to start plummeting just like Draco and Mary-Sue. Halfway down, Hermione and Ron started making out intensely and everyone lost interest in the fight, focusing on the snog session. Therefore, no one noticed when both Mary-Sue and Draco hit the conveniently jagged rocks below with a very nasty squishing sound. At least, they didn't notice this until Remus shouted something about all of the blood and guts oozing all over the place down below. Then everyone's attention turned from Ron and Hermione, who had broken apart long enough to land before going after each other again, to the gory mess that was once Draco Malfoy and Mary-Sue Potter Malfoy Black Lupin Riddle.
"That's a lot of blood," Harry noted, cocking his head as he looked at the mangled forms. Mary-Sue really didn't look half so pretty lying in a puddle of her own internal organs and fluids among sharp rocks, one of which had been driven directly through her stomach.
They were both dead. The kind of dead that dead people are when they're dead. The no longer alive and moving sort of dead. Their bodies were no longer functioning. Revel in Mary-Sues death! Revel, I say! Yes, yes, Draco was killed, too, but it's a small sacrifice to watch Mary-Sue's clothes soak through with her own blood as she lies, DEAD! You see that? That's the gash on her neck. It was spurting blood out onto the ground before she ran out of blood to spurt. And you see that there? Those are her small intestines. Shall we take them out and see if they really are as long as the experts say? I'm sure they're just the *perfect* length for small intestines!
Now finish reveling. You're running low on time. Quick, enjoy her gory end!
Time's up!
Because it was just at that moment that dead!Draco twitched. He then gave a great convulsion and sat up. Having wiped some of the gore from himself (he didn't bleed half so much as Mary-Sue), he glared at Mary-Sue's mangled and dead form, not even bothering to smirk at the sight of the brains lying dashed out upon the rocks.
"Damn it. Do you know how expensive extra lives are? Expendable souls aren't easy to come by now that the Ministry made Soul Searching illegal. And you're still a bitch."
Yes, of course everyone could hear this from up on their brooms. Even Ron and Hermione heard it over their love-making.
Draco got up and used a few spells to clean himself off. He glanced at Ron and Hermione, then at the adults, none of whom seemed to notice their mating. With a shrug, he grabbed his broom, mounted, and kicked off.
"So are we just waiting for those two to finish up, or should we leave them?"
Everyone stared at him blankly for a moment. Then Mrs. Weasley let out a scream and went hurtling toward Ron and Hermione, shouting at them for all of Middle Earth to hear.
After a lot of lecturing from Mrs. Weasley, everyone took one last, long look at the broken form that was once Mary-Sue before coming to the conclusion that their mission had failed. Without the live form of the mangled carcass below them, they had no direction in their daft attempt at getting the One Ring.
Unfortunately, they were also trapped in Middle Earth. Without Mary-Sue's aura of unimaginable power, the tearing of time, space, and logic were nearly impossible to manage all at once and so completely.
Dejectedly, the group flew on to Gondor. Of course they would go to Gondor. Why wouldn't they go to a city they've never been to? Return to Bree? Where's the logic in that?
"You know, the plot device is pretty obvious here," Draco said. When everyone looked oddly at him, he shrugged. "I just said that so the author wouldn't have to make use of an author's note. She's been talking through me nearly the entire time, anyway. Why bother with subtlety?"
With much muttering, everyone ignored mentallyunstable!Draco and continued on to Gondor. No one noticed them. After all, hordes of people regularly flew on brooms over the country side of Middle Earth. Can't you just taste the sarcasm?
So they got to Gondor. It's a White City. Big surprise: no real description.
Because of Harry's glasses ("Plastic! Ooooo! Aaaaah!") the backwards Gondorites revered the group as gods. They dined with King Aragorn and his Queen, Arwen.
"And yet we still want to get the One Ring," Draco announced with a roll of his eyes, as anyone who knows anything about Tolkien's books should be doing repeatedly.
This announcement promptly got them all thrown into the dungeons. (A/N: I would have had Aragorn and Arwen and others actually have a part, but I didn't feel like distorting their chars quite yet. Look for it in the next chapter or two.)
In the dark, icky dungeon, everyone ignored Draco's existence. After a while, Harry whimpered.
Immediately, most of the party were at his side, cooing and coddling him.
"What's wrong?" Sirius asked.
Harry shook his head to show it was nothing. He then proceeded to hug himself and rock back and forth.
"Harry, please," pleaded Sirius, "you have to tell us what's wrong."
"I'm f-fine!" Harry burst into great, heaving sobs.
Sirius moved to hug him, and Harry screamed, throwing up his arms in defense. After a moment, though, he fell into Sirius's arms, sobbing uncontrollably.
"I don't like the dark," he said between fits of crying. "It reminds me of the cupboard Uncle Vernon and Aunt Petunia locked me in all the time."
"They what?" Sirius shouted in fury.
"Uncle Vernon used to beat me and make me do work all day an night and not feed me for weeks at a time! They left me in the cupboard to lay in my own blood." Harry let loose a howl of despair, clinging to Sirius.
"How can you survive for weeks at a time without eating?" Draco asked.
Everyone glared at him, but he didn't care.
"And how come you never bled to death?"
"You heartless wretch!" cried Hermione.
"Well duh," Draco answered, then pointed to himself. "Malfoy."
Harry continued sobbing. "He broke all of my ribs and my legs and stabbed me and wouldn't let me go to the bathroom and made me work for hours and hours every day no matter what and threw me down the stairs and off of the roof and off of a bridge into a river and then set me on fire and hit me with a stick and gouged out my eyes and made me watch American soap operas for hours at a time!"
Even Draco gasped in horror at this.
"And I had to pretend everything was all right!" Harry continued wailing. "I couldn't tell my teachers or Mrs. Figg or Ron or Hermione or anyone!"
"But, um, if he gouged out your eyes." Draco started.
"They grew back magically, of course, you pureblood moron," Hermione answered.
"That's some damn impressive magic," Draco said.
"Shiznit," said Fred and George at once because 2002 American slang was very popular in mid 1990's England.
"I'm going to kill the Dursleys!" Sirius proclaimed. "I'll show them what it's like to be thrown off a bridge and set on fire and made to watch American soap operas! No one does this to my godson and lives!"
A round of cheers followed this, as everyone prepared to storm the doors of Number Four, Private Drive.
"Privet Drive," said Draco. "It's amazing how much easier it is to spell a name when one actually reads it. And besides, there's the slight problem of being stuck in a dungeon."
"I like being stuck in dungeons," Snape said.
No one commented.
Maybe that was because Snape was a dork. Or maybe it was because, just at that moment, a big stone in the dungeon wall moved, and a cloaked figure slipped in.
"This way!" said a female voice. "The kings of Gondor built secret passages into their dungeons so that people who had no way of knowing about the tunnels would know about them and let prisoners escape!"
Confidence bolstered by this complete lack of logic, the group followed the cloaked figure through a long, dark tunnel and into a dark, close forest.
"Fangorn Forest!" said Sailor Moon's cat, who looked very happy at having a chance to speak and be acknowledged as existing. The dungeons of Gondor are cat proof, of course, which is why he couldn't just slip out and find some way to help them escape. Really.
"Cough, plot device, cough, cough!" said Draco into his hand. He stopped caring that the tunnel had taken them nearly to Isengard in a matter of twenty or thirty minutes.
"Your wands," said the cloaked person, distributing wands. After several minutes of swapping back and forth, everyone finally managed to get his or her proper wand.
"Who are you?" Sirius demanded suddenly.
The cloak was cast aside, and a bright, pure white light filled the forest, blinding everyone nearby. As it dimmed, though, and the spots receded, everyone gasped at the Elf standing before them. She was radiantly beautiful, looking so much like another girl they'd known. A girl they'd abandoned the twisted and gory remains of to maggots and carrion birds only the day before.
"I am Mayrriessue, the Sparkly White."
"PR whore," Draco muttered.
A/N: Were a bizarre set of events take place and Cassandra Claire was ever notified of my quasi-use of her words, I would hope she understands I am only saluting the greatness that is "The Very Secret Diaries," (which I recently introduced a friend to, and so have just had to make myself read again) and that it was a very hard thing to avoid in a HP/LotR crossover spoof. I give her full credit, for Sam will kill me if I try anything.