"Ahhh!" I screamed into my pillow the next morning at four thirty. "He never sleeps!" I punched my pillow as hard as I could over and over and over again and buried my face in it. I took a deep breath of the dust mite infested pillow and gently picked Dillan up. I took him close to me and spoke softly in his ear, but he wouldn't sleep. He was wide awake and feeling miserable and I was so exhausted and feeling miserable as well. "Jesus loves you, this I know. For the Bible tells us so. Little ones to him belong, I am weak but He is strong. Yes, Jesus loves you. Yes, Jesus loves you. Yes, Jesus loves you. The Bible tells us so," I sang my own modified version of Jesus Loves Me. Help. Please Jesus. I can't get out of bed anymore. I'm just worn out! I don't want to be a mom anymore… This time, God chose not to miraculously make Dillan go to sleep, so I gradually got out of bed and ready for the day ahead of me.
In the end I did call Biko back, but the summer was almost done and he was off working all day. I did, however get to talk with my mom, even if she was hesitant in doing so.
"You don't really need to know about her Kels," she tried to convince me.
"No, mom. I really want to know about my little sister. Please."
She paused. "You're father and I divorced once when you were two years old. But, we worked some stuff out and got back toogether after two years. During that time I got pregnant with your sister. Another child just wasn't what we needed or wanted back then. I got pregnant again and Harold didn't want another kid to support. So we divorced again." There she stopped and waited for me, expectantly.
"Well?" I asked.
"Well, what?"
"What happened to my sister in all this?"
"I was still pregnant with her."
"What happened to her?" I asked getting more and more anxious. "Where is she?"
"I don't know… I gave her up for adoption," was her flat reply.
"What?" I said starting to get angry. "How could you get on my case for wanting to give Dillan up for adoption? You said it would be impossible to give up your child!"
"And it was hard for me! Do you think it was easy just to give her up?"
"Well, it must have! You never talk about her, never even told me she existed! You've forgotten all about her! I mean, it's not like you got raped and couldn't bare the sight of her. We have the same father! What's wrong with you?"
"I had to give her up, Kelsey!"
"No, you didn't! Dad was supporting me. If you had enough money to take care of me, why couldn't you support her?" I yelled over the phone.
"She was born deaf!" I was stunned. "She was born deaf and the doctors said she would never be able to speak either. I couldn't learn sign language. I was twenty two years old. I- I had a life then. I just couldn't…"
"You couldn't or wouldn't?" I yelled.
"A little bit of both, I guess. I regret it everyday of my life, Kelsey, really I do. I wish I could have been the one to love her, and hold her."
"But you chose the easy way out…. You knew I would never be able to raise a child, and you yelled at me about even thinking of giving him up. Have you even tried to see where she is?"
"Her name is Alexandra; the last I heard was she was living in Canada. If you want to find her so badly, you can look for her."
I was so angry with her I hung up without saying anything.
I woke up the next morning and I realised that I hadn't been woken up once all night. The afternoon sun hit my face and I blinked groggily. "Dillan?" I asked casually. "You sleeping buddy?" I looked into his crib and my heart stopped. It was empty. "Dillan?" I called frantically. He was no where to be found. I ran out of my room and down the hall to the Lavoie's room. "Dillan's gone! I can't find him anywhere!"