There are journey's in life. Paths. Paths you will take, some you won't. Few you will like, most you will not. You must know that in the end, they are all worth it, my dearest, they are all worth it. My mother told me that once before she passed, but I never took it too seriously. I know better now, and it could never be more true. I'm thankful for the path I've chosen to take Jo, because it led me to you and Bessie. No matter the problems me and your father are having, they could never come between us three. You, me, and Bess. Together we're unstoppable, you know that. I'd bet we'd be just as strong apart, or we'll or learn to be. Either way you have to always remember to live life to it's fullest, and no matter what happens... knowing you, you'll never be alone.
My mother's words entrance my thoughts. They gradually sail from within my mind, readily to my heart. The heart has to make deeper but not always wiser desicions, and this reality makes things much harder to decide. I find though, there's no need to analize. I'll go with what my heart tells me, or at least what treasures it tries to hide. Deeply, I feel things that no one will ever know or more sadly care for. There's no magic wand or key to unlock what's within the deepest layers of my heart, yet there isn't really a reason for either of those things. A simple minor penetration of another, someone I love and trust, and who will love me back can know all of me. Most of my life I've let my fears and Insecurities resonate easily inside myself. Only in my sexuality, if there's any, do I find myelf in constant battles with...me. Once accepting myself for being so-called what I am with a shrug no longer sits well. What am I? Who am I? Who am I as an indivisual without the few that I know and love. I wonder.
My wonderment begins with a walk up the stairs and into my room, which I haven't been in for what seems like an eternity. I've been portraying the twenty-four hour woman in my most recent role as the head of the household. With Bodie gone, and Bessie's recent case of Mono, I've been deamed bread winner for the past three days. With hours on in of working and school, I've hardly been able to talk or curse at anyone but myself. One small relief is Alexander being safe and sound with Bodie's relatives, so he won't get sick. I on the other hand, must stay within three feet of my sleepaway, bed-ridden sister. Today I'm supposed to find a somehow "missing" worker who's been abscent the past couple of days, only making the load heavier. Apparently he had to go home early thanks to the emergency of his "grandma having a stroke". Now under the guidence of Bessie, I'm supposed to go to his house later on, give him the third degree, and/or beg him to come back to work because ha "I need him". I'd never thought of myself as a particularly proud person, but I now know--I am. I'm not begging him, It's his job. As far as I'm concerned, he's fired.
These days, besides working my ass off, holding the future of someone's career in my hands, while in the midst of an introspective change of view on my indivisual indentity, I can't seem to scrounge up much hope for what lies ahead in any of my 'paths'. In my room, I sit on the floor I just cleaned as the radio plays what seems like a thousand commercials. My legs sprawl across the floor, as my feet brush the wall that stands not to far from my bed for the fifth time, while I maneuver myself in a more comfortable postision pressing my back further against the bed. After sitting here so long reading one of the last notes my mother left me over and over again my soul searcing comes to an end. Grief begins to surpass self curiosity as a tear falls to the page.
Strength intervenes as I clumsily stand and wipe the tears away, pulling back the folded clothes and placing it at the very bottom. I walk away after closing the drawer avoiding any thoughts of her. I can't help but wish sometime she was here to say those words to me personally and not through ink, but of course, wishes don't come true. They re-invent themselves but they never come true. Her words begin captivate my thoughts again. Why do they seem to indicate some secret meaning. One that I keep translating to love rather than just life in general. I don't guess living life to its fullest have to involve a boy, but that's all I keep thinking about. Really living, love, and sex. But right now...I just want to live. Outside the walls of Capeside. Get away. Far away. Or...maybe I'll just sleep on it.
My heart raced as I rushed to the heavy doors. Shoving my way inside the overtly cold building, I found myself running and sliding down the narrow empty hallways. Slowing down, I started walking down the final hall that led to my fifth-period class, where any other day I would usually be, If for the first time in my life I hadn't overslept. Even by Pacey's standards of late when It came to school, he only paled in comparison. My heart went back to a slow and steady beat as I calmed myself before walking into the class room. "You're late Ms. Potter." He said obviously pissed.
"I can explain--" I gritted out unprepared for an actual explanation, since I didn't really have one.
"Don't. Sit."
Sit? I angrily questioned silently.
"Yes, sir." I replied sharply.
"Since the class is almost over, you won't be sitting in on much Miss Potter. I highly reccomend being on time next time understand?"He said only as a condecending adult would.
"Yes, sir." I replied again, more defeated.
He gave an assuring smile, then turned to the board to write something out. A few people were still throwing me glances and snickering. My minor humiliation wasn't well hidden as I just sank in my seat, praying for the next bell. Then..."Joey...Joeyyy!"A voice whispered piercingly. It was none other than Pacey Witter. The very reason I wake up in the morning. I sighed, rolled my eyes and tried to ignore him. There was no way I felt like talking. "Jo!" He whispered loudly.
"Mr. Witter!" The teacher exclaimed. Pacey just rolled his eyes and mouthed 'sorry' sardonically.
Thankfully he just turned around and continued to write on the blackboard, the now obvious future assignments. My head began to ache at just the sight more more work. Suddenly I heard some keys jingle. Everone turned there heads to see where the jingling was coming from, as did I. It was none other than Pacey. "Joey!" He mouthed even though I was looking dead at him.
"What?" I mouthed with a scowl.
He then held up some keys and began shaking them. With a smile he pointed outside, then the keys. "Huh?" I whispered.
"You'll see." He said plainly, while grinning. "You'll see." He said looking ahead this time.
While I was still agitated by his choosing to be so vague, a surprising surge of exitment passed through my body. What was he going to do?