He Wasn't Lee
Second in the series - takes place at approximately the same time as 'Man to Man'.
Kara's thoughts regarding Anders, and the possibility of resuming her relationship with him.
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Kara sat on the catwalk, staring down at the flurry of activity on the flight deck. She'd come here to cool off after her fight with Lee, yet another one, before heading to her class in an hour. She'd learned from hard experience that teaching a class right after a fight with Lee caused her to be a right bitch and treat her students badly. For some reason Lee affected her much more deeply than anyone else, and she couldn't just shrug off his hurtful words like she normally did anyone else's. They cut deeply and caused her to lose her emotional balance - something she had a very fragile hold on these days. Particularly since returning from Caprica, and more particularly, since Anders came to Galactica.
Anders. Something to think about to keep her mind off Lee. But something that unfortunately brought another set of complexities into her life.
He was a good man, Anders. She'd known it right from the start - felt it somehow, even before they'd exchanged more than a dozen words. She'd fought it though - every fibre of her being told her not to trust a strange man on first sight. He'd won her over though and before long she'd considered him one of 'them'. He was kind, considerate, and truly cared about those he was responsible for. He was someone she could trust.
But he wasn't Lee.
He was loyal, almost to a fault. He'd been willing to do anything to protect his friends, and once he'd joined with Kara, he'd taken her, Helo and Sharon under his wing as well. Or tried to; Kara wasn't one to allow a man to protect her or take over - he had to learn that she was in charge. Somehow though, he'd managed to give her control without submitting - subtly letting her know that they were equals. It was the kind of relationship she'd only ever had with Lee.
But he wasn't Lee.
He was attractive; there was no denying that. She'd felt it from the moment they met, and it had only deepened in the time they'd spent together. His touch made her body heat up instantly, especially the few times they'd played pyramid together when their bodies had had almost full contact. When they'd made love, it had been seriously intense pleasure. Kara had never felt that way with anyone, except Zack, although she knew if she and Lee ever crossed that invisible line they'd been dancing so close to forever, it would feel the same with him. Or better. Just his eyes looking her up and down were enough to cause the blood in her veins to rise to boiling point, and his touch, even accidental, was enough to send her mind into ecstasy, body dying to follow.
But he wasn't Lee.
Her relationship with Anders, if you could call it that, was safe, easy, uncomplicated. All the things it wasn't with Lee. They were two people with no past, just the present. Nothing had mattered but the here and now and how they felt about each other. There had been no baggage standing between them, no fraternization rules looming over them, no nosy people betting on ' will they or won't they'. It had been just them. Kara had cherished it, short though it had been. Even her relationship with Zack, happy though it had been, hadn't been so uncomplicated. They'd broken regulations and had had to stretch the truth in order to be together.
And then there was Lee. From the moment Kara had been introduced to Zack's 'big brother', he'd been a complication. They'd both known, both felt it in every burning gaze they'd held too long to be just 'friendly'. No, things had definitely been easier and freer with Anders.
But he wasn't Lee.
And that was a good thing, right? There may be no ties to the past that held her and Anders together, but that meant there was also no guilt, no regrets, no wishing things had been different. Anders was a man who knew what he wanted and wasn't afraid to say so. He made no apologies for who he was and what he did - he offered himself as he was. And Kara took him. Gladly.
But he wasn't Lee.
Kara wanted to let herself go and just be with him. For the first time in her life, she had something good that gave her happiness without all the pain. He loved her, she loved him, it was as simple as that. No hidden meanings, illicit feelings, worries about whether or not it was 'right'. It was what it was, and it had made her happy, despite the horrific circumstances under which it had blossomed.
But he wasn't Lee.
And that was the problem. The only problem. It all seemed so perfect. Too perfect perhaps. Kara was used to relationships that were difficult and demanding. Like her relationship with Lee. It was difficult to comprehend, for both of them, and damn near impossible for anyone else to figure out. It was painful and almost heartbreaking at times, but when it was good, there was no feeling to compare to it, not even the uncomplicated pleasure of being with Anders. It wrung out her heart and soul, baring them for Lee to see everything she normally hid, but though it took everything from her, it gave back so much more.
It gave her life and purpose, the will to continue fighting. It was the only thing that gave her a reason to continue the struggle. Lee was her reason for living.
And Anders - wasn't Lee.
fin