Go
(Yesterday)
Sleepily, I glance out the window as we pull up to my open house.
"I guess this is it." He says.
"I suppose so." I say with a heavy sigh.
"Before you..." He begins, as he leans in to give me a kiss.
"Pace.." I whisper out, as his lips grace mine.
All I imagination escapes me, as he deepens the kiss. Leaning forward, my body comes closer to his, as bravely to myself, I attempt to gain control. He hesitantly pulls back a little, as I instantly miss the warmth I felt from his closeness. Silently, I know there's nothing more I can do, as I pull back too.
"What?" I ask sadly, and so low, I now wonder if he heard me.
"Nothing." He says matching my tone.
"It's not nothing Pacey, why did you...?"
"Kiss you?" He asks solemn.
"Stop...kissing me."I say looking at him then my fingers. I didn't know my nailpolish had worn off.
"You wanted me too?"He asks, with a clarifying gaze.
"I kissed you back didn't I?" I ask coyly, still uneasy inside.
"Yes you did."He says smiling to himself. "So...what are we doing here Potter?"
"I don't--I mean, what do you want to do?"
"Right now?" He asks, the implied--well, implied.
"No, not right now." I say narrowing my eyes. "You know...in general."
"In general" He questions, looking ahead.
"Yes." I say patiently.
"How did this turn to me, you know what I want."He says looking at me exasperated.
"No I don't." I retort, looking at the floor.
"Well, I figured that when I kissed you...that night."He says, barely above whisper. "I thought maybe you would have been a little supicious."
"Of what?"
"I knew we were gonna have to talk about this." He says exhaling, as he tilts his head back on the seat. "I just never quite imagined the enormous amount of--I don't know if it's fear, or just plain guilt that plagues me, as we do said talking."
"Okay, all I heard was the word 'guilt' and...'fear'. But I would like to know a little more about this guilt."I say looking at him, eyebrows scrunched.
"Being back in Capeside." He says, with a humorless laugh. "It's just reminding me of what I can't have."
"And what's that Pacey?"
"You. I can't have you."
"What?" I ask with a dry laugh. "What the hell does that mean?"
"It means that you and I--whatever you've decided we are could never happen, and one word just about sums it up."
"Really?" I ask sardonic.
"Really."
"What word is that Pacey?"
"Dawson."
"That's not a word, that's a name."I say stubbornly, folding my arms, as his words sink in.
"Still..."He drifts.
"I'm not even with Dawson anymore."
"I'm sure he agrees. In his script, the two of you are meant to be together forever and ever. Soulmates remember. All persuers, and or best friends not included."He says sorrowfully.
"What do I say to that Pacey?" I ask as the car gets dead silent. "What do you want me to say?"
"I don't want you to say anything. Just...go, Bessie's probably getting ready to snap. I'm sure Alexander is back home by now."
My heart drops as my own words fail me. I have nothing to accomany him, other than what was said rang true, and the both of us know it, though only one of us is admitting it at the moment.
"That's not true."
"Alexander isn't back?"
"No, what you said about Dawson. He obviously doesn't want to be with me, and--"
"And since he doesn't want to be with you--you don't want to be with him."He says simply, almost automatically pissing me off beyond belief.
"No." I say scoffing. "Look, things ended between us. I don't want to be with him."
"Then what do you want?"He asks, developing some warmth is his cold questionaire.
"I want...I want.." I say, searching for the right words,but there aren't any. There's just the truth. My truth.
"Joey?"He asks shutting his eyes."What do you.."
"You. I want you, I want us." I say gradually, realizng my words, as they felt like perfection. It was exactly how I felt.
He shifts uncomfortaly, as he struggles to release himself from his seatbelt.
"Just a minute." He says, as he finally gets out of the seatbelt. "Come here." He whispers pulling my face to his. I can't help but smile.
"You know, Bessies expecting me."I say faking seriousness.
"Oh, I'm sure she'll manage without you for a few more minutes."
"Few more minutes?" I question with a raised eyebrow.
"Yes." He says pulling me into another deep kiss.
He again, pulls back.
"What?" I ask.
"Let's keep going." He whispers.
"Pacey--"
"What? I'm serious."
"So am I Pace. I mean, It was fun while it lasted but, it's time to go home." I say slightly opening the car door. "Okay?" I ask, hoping for his agreence.
"Sure." He says surprisingly relaxed. "Goodbye, Joey."
"Bye, Pacey." I say getting out. "Wait...you are going home aren't you?"I ask before shutting the door.
He sighs.
"Would it make you feel better if I said I was?"
"Yes." I say through gritted teeth." But it would make me feel even better if it were true."
"I hate to dissapoint you but--"
Lovely.
"Pacey! I thought you said you were going go home and face--"
"I never said that. I said I was thinkin about it."
"And?"
"Thought about it."
"So?"
"I'm not going home. I might drop off the car but...after that, I'm gone."He says, again pissing me off as I climb back into the car and slam the door
"I'm beginning to think you're just doing this to get attention."I say wryly, giving him the evil eye.
"What?"
"You heard me."I say lightly. "Now, I'm going to go in the house. But you, misguided boy that is my friend, will be going home, returning this lovely luxury that they simply call 'car', and you will in fact face your parents."
"I underestemated you." He says eyeing me. "I appreciate the concern, but going back would just be admiting that I have a problem.Which by the way, to them, only exists inside my head--and that's just not true."
"What about school?" I ask wanting to add something else, but deciding to wait for his answer.
"Failing miserably thank you very much."
"You are not. Just two weeks ago, you got like a B-"
"Yes, thanks to your help."
"That's it. I'll help you from now on. Just like I'll help you deal with whatever's going on inside your head." I say reasurring him.
"No." He says shaking his head. "Can't get away from the Witter household can I?"
"Pacey--How am I supposed to help you, when you don't even want to try?"
"I don't want help Potter, I should have done this a long time ago."
"Yeah, But--"
"Can you not see what I'm getting at here?" He asks stressingly.
"No--No I can't can you?"
"I'm not living with that man for another second."He says looking at me pained. My eyes dart to the window as I try to hide the tears that remain frozen in my eyes. "
"I see." I say nodding.
"It has nothing to do with you..." He says, seeming affected.
"You're supposed to be thinking for two now remember? There's a you and me now."
"Right." He says to himself. "You're absoloutely right."
"So what are we going to do here Witter?"
"You should go in." He says blankly.
"Bessie isn't even here." I say looking over at the empty space where the truck is usually parked.
"Go."He says.
"No." I say folding my arms again.
"Fine." He says starting the engine.
"Pacey, stop it."
"I'm serious. Either get out--or I'm takin you with me."
"I guess you're taking me with you." I say stubbornly. "Because I'm not getting out of this car until you say you're staying."
"So you want me to lie to you. Fine, I'm staying"
"I hope you don't run out of gas." I say hinting to the fact that we're gonna be sitting here for a long time.
"I'll get some on my way."
"Sounds like a plan."
"Okay."
"Alright." I say calling his bluff.
"You ready?" He asks.
"Sure." I say shrugging.
"Well, what are we waiting for?" He asks retorically, his foot hitting the peddle hard.
"Pacey!" I exclaim as we quickly drive off. I thought he was joking.
"So...What do you think about Texas?"
Tbc a.s.a.p