When Will I see You Again
I remember the first time I heard someone's cautionary refererence to time as if it were a third person. Passivness, was without a doubt the emotion slithering beneath the words, but they still remain heavily effective. Though unlike it's depressing latter, time is in fact a trick of the mind. I believe the saying was, and is: "Time is not your friend."A slowly unraveling truth, as the days continue to pass unmercifully. Waves of frustration devistate my thoughts, as I wallow through yet another day with little to no understanding, or knowledge of where he is. Could he be thinking of me? At least as much as I think of him. Hopefully, I'll find out today.
Fall has ended, and winter has happily taken it's place. Somehow, the seasons simple, and traditional act of changing has stirred up the more sorrowful feelings of loss, and mostly well-masked pain that's hidden behind a choice of forced smiles. The happy gesture has become a task, and a strain. Now that myself, and the people of Capeside have found ourselves in a fairly freezing December, a conveyer belt of cliche's has already surfaced. The not too heavily clad Capesidians fall wear consisted of light, black or brown coats, with somewhat tacky over-sized scarves. The winter brought on heavier black or brown coats, with not-so-tacky over-sized scarves.
Everyone ventured deep within their garage to find their shovels, and snowblowers, to prepare for the inevitable snow that will likely fall from the sky in inches. Admittedly, there's an easiness in the air, and things do seem more upbeat. But the season exchange is a tough transition, as it seems to signal the end of something. Something...special. The last months have be been somewhat of an emotional rollercoaster, but as his presence slowly slips from me, sadly I find it's easier to function. The B&B hasn't been as busy as of late, but new and old faces still continue to come and go with a frequency. Christmas will be here soon, and I can't quite believe it's already here.
Which takes me back to where I started. Time hasn't been a friend, but it hasn't been a complete bitch either. While it's made life sometimes unpredicable and tragic, more questions rise, with still no answers. As of recently I do feel a little more at ease as the new year approaches. Not to mention Doug has hinted that Pacey "Might" be back for Christmas. A sweet advantage of the holidays roaming near, though there was still no sign of him around Thanksgiving. There's still a depressing cloud that refuses to part as I remember how autumn began so strangly exciting, blurring the view of my world, making it more and more...See, I opened my heart for the first time, in a long time, and much to my hearts content--he did the same.
It's been a full week since I've thought of him so frequently, but my mind will probably continue this pattern, since Christmas is only four days away. There's also one final letter I've written, and hope to get to him through Doug. I'm Hoping I can get Bessie to drive me over to the Witter house. I can feel a quiet calm, and relief over me, as the heavy words translate from my mind, to the page, and the bold pen is finally released from my grasp. Folding the letter, I tidily slide it into the small envelope, and with a thin layer of saliva at the tip of my thumb, I slide it across the seal, and press down.
"Joey?" She calls from somewhere other than my room. I choose not to answer. It's the small joys in life that keep you going.
"Coming."I say unintentionally low.
"What?" She asks.
"I'll be..."I begin irratated. "Coming!" I shout.
Walking into the living room, I can't help but notice the tall gentlemen in the doorway at first glance.
"What's going on?" I ask.
"Doug came by to talk to you about a "private matter." She says simply, laundry basket in hand.
"Hey..."I say short of words. We've been in casual contact over the past months, but he's come with no updates, and remains very vague on information regarding Pacey.
"Hey." He replies, then looks over at Bessie.
"I have to finish washing Alexander's clothes anyway."She says after a disgruntled sigh.
Bessie walks beside me and whispers "Let me know what he says about Pacey." A lightness, and curious exitement in her tone is immediately infectious, as my heart skips two beats at the sound of his name. She leaves the room completely, as I focus my attention on him.
"So, what is it?" I ask gradually with a shaky sigh.
"I just came by to tell you that um--" He says shaking his head."Pacey's coming back."
"What?" I ask, a smile yanking the corners of my mouth anxiously.
"For Christmas. He's coming back."
"Just for Christmas?" I ask, my exitement subsiding.
"I'm not sure." He says finding the floor boards interesting.
"Well...Can I...I mean, can we--?"
"See him?
"Yeah."I say nodding.
"I'm not too sure about that, I mean--I don't exactly think my father's going to be allowing visitors."
"Oh..." I say barely veiling the horrible dissapointment I feel, as his words seep in.
"But if you have any messages or anything.."He says sympatetically.
"Actually...I um, I have this letter." I say, hesitantly handing it to him.
"I'll be sure to get it to him."
"Thanks." I say absent, my eyes are beginning to sting little. Much to my surprise, I can feel tears welling up. I truly do want to see him badly.
"I should get going." He says walking over to the doorway.
"Um...Yeah, thanks for coming by."I say following him slowly, preparing to avoid his eyes if he looks at me again.
"You're welcome," He says looking at me, as I look the other way. "Take care alright." He says thoughtfully, then walks out.
Suddenly...
"Doug!" I shout after him a little louder than I would've liked.
"Yeah?" He asks lifting his head up, and turning around.
"Well, are you picking him up? You know, from the "relatives" house?"
"Yes."He says suspiciously.
"Could you take me with you?"
"Take you where?" Dawson asks approaching, Jen by his side.
"Nowhere." I say instictively, avoiding any and all potential questionings. But I remain internally unaware of why my answer was so vague. Do I really have to hide the fact that I want to see him? Especially since everyone is just as anxious as I am to talk to him.
His expression is a mixture of confusion and suspicion, as is Jen's.
"Okay."He says looking at me strangely.
"And where is the eldest Witter headed off to?"Jen asks.
"If you must know..."He begins lightheartedly. "I've gotta get home, and change out of my uniform."
"Captivating stuff."She replies with a smirk.
"Is Pacey gonna be here in time for Christmas?"Dawson asks.
"Yes, actually that's where I'm headed after I get back and change."
All of us smile like giddy children.
"I didn't know you were picking him up today."I say, my eyes narrowing. "That's great..."I say cheerfully smiling ear to ear. But nervousness begins to mount as humiliation builds and Jen looks at me cautiously, while Dawson eyes me with yet another mount of curiosity.
"Excited much?"He asks much to my annoyance.
"Well..."I say shrugging, not really planning to dignify him with an answer.
"We're all excited." Jen says purely, seeming to be in my defense.
I just nod in agreement.
"What she said."
"Right. So what time are you guys getting back?"He asks looking over at Doug.
"Probably somewhere around six or seven."He answers.
"Great." He says upbeat. "He'll be back in time for the Leery's own private home screening of 'Gaslight'."
"Gaslight?" Jen asks.
"Ingrid Bergman at her best."He replies looking over at me. "So, are you skipping out on another movie night?"
"Depends." I say avoiding his glare.
"On..."
"It was nice catching up with you guys, but I'd better be going." Doug says cutting in sardonically.
"See ya." Dawson and Jen say almost in unison.
My heart drops.
"Wait..." I say walking down the steps, hoping I'm not too obvious.
"Yes?" He asks sternly, turning around.
I can feel Dawson's glare practically burning holes into my back.
'Can I go?' I mouth desperately.
"What?" He whispers.
"Nevermind." I say quietly, my hands sinking into my pockets. My eyes again become a watery grave, as I just turn and walk away.
"Are you alright Jo?"She asks, as I pass them both.
"Yeah." I say sniffling a little, as the cold air pricks against my skin. It suddenly feels more sensitive. "I kind of...I kind of just wanted to go. That's all." I add, my voice slightly raspy.
I glance over at Doug's police car as he drives off, making me feel worse.
"Me too."She says comforting me, then looking at Dawson. "I mean it's been months."
"Well, we're gonna see him when he gets here."He says absently, seeming almost worried.
"That's true. Hey, as long as we get to see him right?"She says reasurringly. "And before Christmas."
"I wouldn't be too quick to throw a welcome home party just yet."I answer dryly, sitting on the porch.
"Care to emphasize?"Dawson asks true to form.
"Doug's not too sure if that's gonna be a possibility." I reply, resting my head on my hand.
"Yeah, that's not gonna be an issue." Jen says with a small laugh. "As long as he's back home, they'll be some kind of way to get to him. Even if we have to use Doug to do so."
Both me and Dawson throw her a confused glance.
"Just...Going through scenerios."She says looking suspicious, then sitting down.
"Jen has a point. It's not impossible...Especially if he's staying at home" Dawson says leaning on one of the house posts.
"We'll see him." She says, perhaps not feeling as lost as I.
"Yeah..."I say drifting off, as a single tear finally falls.
Told ya I'd be back sooner lol. Thanks you guys for reviewing:D There's more to come as the story nears an end:( so sit tight nice people, and TBC a.s.a.p