The rooftop looked exactly the same as they both remembered. Gravel and dew puddles scattered the ground, covering the top of the building. Misty morning air, caused the roof to be unpleasantly cold. The scent of wet dirt dominated the scene. Ellie found a clearing in the gravel, set her backpack down, and proceeded to sit on it. Sean shortly joined her. He took a seat on the gravel next to her. Time drug on as no one spoke. Mimes made more noise than the two. The only sounds for miles were the ticking of Sean's watch and the occasional "caw" from a bird flying overhead. Keeping their heads forward, the former victims of co-habitation just gazed out into the school yard, ignoring each other's presence. The yard was baron; all of the students who usually cluttered the blacktop below where currently in class- somewhere both Sean and Ellie should have been. After countless contagious yawns and induced sighs, Ellie decided it was time for her to make her exit. She stood quickly, slightly dizzy from standing up so fast, picked up her book bag, and headed for the door that led back into school. Right as she placed her ring clad hand on the door knob, Sean spoke.
"When I was a sophomore, I killed someone." He said into the air, at no one in particular. Ellie dropped her hand from the door knob and turned around slowly. She took a few steps toward him but did not return to her previous seat. She stood very still, almost statuesque, while staring at the back of his head.
"You stopped someone from killing others." Ellie corrected.
"Yeah, by killing him." Sean corrected her correction.
Ellie chose her next words carefully, "That was never confirmed. Rick is where he is now because of the choices he made. He chose his own fate." She argued.
"No. I chose his fate."
His words baffled her; she could not understand where Sean was coming from. As she has never shot anyone, how could she understand? How could anyone?
Why does he feel this way? He did nothing wrong, it was self defense- not murder , she thought to herself, not completely convinced as she once was. Taking cautious steps, she slowly migrated back toward the spot next to Sean.
"Okay, so you should have just let Rick shoot Emma and everyone else that teased him?" Ellie asked, slightly afraid of Sean's answer.
"What I'm saying is I killed someone and I had to leave. I thought you understood that."
Oh, she got it now. This conversation was not about Sean's guilt. It was about their relationship, or lack thereof.
Ellie finally inched her way back to the spot where she was originally sitting. She dropped her book bag back into the rumble and plopped down on it; her skirt slightly flying up in the air as she sat down. Reproducing her first position, she crossed her legs Indian style and kept her head facing the school yard.
"And I thought you cared about me." The whispered words flew from her mouth. She had longed to say those words for nine months, but in this moment, she hoped that he did not hear what she had just said.
He did hear.
"The last thing I said to you was, 'I love you', right?" Sean spoke into the chilly October air.
Ellie looked down. He was right, that was the last thing they had said to each other before she, Emma, and Jay made their solemn trip back to Toronto, leaving Sean behind in Wasaga. Pointing the toe of her black, leather, combat boot, she drew an oval in the gravel. She wanted to reply, but could find no words. What would she say? After you left, I was torn apart and clung to Bueller because he was the only thing I had left of you? It took months for my heart to heal, and I will never be able to fully erase you from it? No. Those mushy, soul bearing, emotional words are things Eleanor Nash would never say out loud. Especially, to the boy who is responsible for evoking those feelings. Disregarding her gut instinct, she said nothing. And just like that, Sean's last statement had concluded the conversation.
The former couple had come full circle, sitting in the same positions they were in prior to the conversation. Sean and Ellie sat on the rooftop for the duration of third period. Of those forty-five minutes, the two exchanged words for about five. The other forty they spent sitting and staring. Staring at the future, staring at the past. Avoiding and refusing to acknowledge each other's presence. But, after the close of the conversation, something was different. A new element was thrown in to the mix: reflection.
Sean, usually a man of few words, now sat contemplating if he had said too much, if he had shown too much emotion. Ellie, on the other hand, wondered if she had said enough.
Both lost in deep thought, Sean and Ellie lost track of time. It wasn't until they heard the blaring of the school bell, signifying the end of third period, ringing in their ears that the two snapped back to reality.
Suddenly, remembering where he was and why, Sean grabbed his back pack and stood up quickly. To loosen his muscles, he cracked the knuckles in his neck, rolled his shoulders a few times and inhaled a lung full of icy October air. At the same time, Ellie grabbed her bag and stood herself; dusting off, carefully making sure she did not snag her ring on her mesh skirt. The two made their way to the door that led back into school. One by one, Sean and Ellie climbed down the stairs, into the main hallway, and went their separate ways.