Title: truth; Fandom: BSG2003; Author: crimson; Date: 23.11.2005; Series/Season: season1; Rating: PG/K; Word count: 329; Category: pathos, relationship; Pairing/Focus: Lee; Summary: Inside Lees mind.; Spoiler: season1
Disclaimer: Die Charaktere und der Backround gehören leider nicht mir, aber Ron Moore meinte mal, wir dürften auch mit ihnen spielen. :D Wenn sie nicht mein sind, dann besitzen NBC, Universal, Larson und Moore die Rechte an der Serie.
Authors note: thanks to Lymiryc, who willingly betaread this...
He is trying to be strong. He needs to be strong. He is feeling his life fall apart. It is a mess.
Lee never thought it could get this difficult… this screwed up. But on the other hand he never thought he could hurt someone he loves. That he could betray someone he trusts. He never thought he would run away, run away, because he can't stand his feelings. Feelings he never was entitled to have…
No he never thought he would be like this.
Kara isn't the real screw-up, he is. He wanted to hurt her, cause her pain. He meant the words he said, he shouldn't have said them though.
Lee knew she would take them personally, like he meant for her to. He knew she would punch, when he pushed her, she wouldn't take it from him for, she wouldn't back down… He knew her, he knew she would hit this superior asshole. He wanted her to, he needed her to, to smack him in his mouth, to take away this pain… this feeling.
He can't put his finger on it… some part of him still refuses to.
So he punishes her instead of himself. He punishes her with his anger because he can't deal with his feelings, his choices.
He knew she would be mad. He knew he hurt her, but Lee never thought she would run away. He never thought he would lose her.
In his mind, he blamed his father, because he didn't tell her the truth, the old man had betrayed her. He also tried to blame the President, she sent Kara. He wants to blame Baltar for sleeping with her, for starting this mess. But in the end, he only has himself to blame, because he let her down. Because he couldn't, wouldn't see the pain in those green-grey eyes.
In the end, blaming himself is all he has, but he is trying to hide from the truth in his heart.