Author: Qaddafi the Ripper
Summary: Join Shark-chan and Weasel-chan in their random, humorous, bloody, and occasionally sexy adventures as they try to cope on the measly salaries provided by Akatsuki.
Disclaimer: That "sexy" part in the summary should prove it ain't Kishimoto writing this.
Pre-fic ramble: Oh, please, as if you didn't already know that I'm insane. This fic was inevitable. I also blame this on spacetart and merichan and others who wrote fics that slowly made Shark/Weasel my Naruto OTP. You guys suck. But in a good way. This episode doesn't have any blatant OTPing, but future parts (if I ever get to them) will.
Also note that this fic has been given a rating of M (equivalent to R) because of themes, inappropriate humor, and possible slashly scenes in later parts. Consider yourself forewarned.
Part One: Adventures in Eating Out! Because even villains like good food.
Kisame's stomach growled loudly. He glanced down, somewhat embarrassed. "I guess we should stop for dinner soon," he said aloud. Itachi ignored him. Not that that was anything unusual. "If I remember right, there should be a town not too far ahead. Let's stop there tonight so we can eat," he suggested.
Once again, he was roundly ignored. But since Itachi hadn't actually said no, that meant they could stop at the next town. Kisame's stomach rumbled again and his mouth started to water in anticipation. He hoped the town had a good seafood restaurant.
Fortunately for his poor, deprived tummy, they reached the town within an hour. The town was quite large and the streets were filled with people. Kisame winced slightly. Regular towns and cities were nothing like the ninja villages. These places were noisy, smelly, and too crowded. It almost made him wish he could go back to Hidden Mist.
Since he'd been here before and vaguely recalled the layout, Kisame went first through the crowds, Itachi a silent shadow behind him. People who saw that they were ninjas moved to get out of their way, and those who noticed the scratch through the insignia on their forehead protectors and realized it meant they were missing-nin got out of their way even faster. But in a crowd this tightly packed, they still only made somewhat better time than everyone else. It was annoying, but it was all part of being in a large town.
He recognized that gaudy house over there to the side --with coloring like that, it'd be hard to forget --so they should go straight for three? four? blocks and then turn left. Or was it right?
Kisame was hit by the sudden realization that he had no idea how to get to that nice restaurant. Well, it had been over three years and he'd only been there once. He conveniently ignored the fact that, as an experienced and talented shinobi, he should have remembered the layout of the town.
Besides, if he wandered around long enough, he was bound to find it at some point.
Or at least that had been the original idea. So far it wasn't working so well. They'd been walking around town for almost an hour, and Kisame had now seen that same corner house five times, and the naughty goods store ten times (which had to be a freak coincidence), and the fruit market six times. And there were a group of kids laughing at him from across the street even though they'd only passed the kids four times. He felt the urge to kill someone or something rising.
"I think we're lost," Itachi finally spoke up.
Kisame scowled. "We're not lost," he insisted. "I've been here before. I know where I'm going."
"This is the eighth time we've passed that ramen stand," Itachi countered. "There is no seafood restaurant."
"Yes there is! I remember going to it when I was here three years ago! And I'll prove it!" Kisame strode into the ramen stand, refusing to look at his partner. "Sir," he hailed the owner. The man looked up expectantly. "I remember there being a nice seafood restaurant in this town. Could you please help me find it?"
"I thought you knew where you were going," Itachi muttered. Kisame resisted the urge to glower back at him.
The owner frowned and scratched his chin. "Hmm... don't recall any particularly popular seafood joints 'round here..."
One of the customers at the stand looked up with a grin. "You sure you aren't just saying that so they won't give a competitor business?"
"Deliberately keeping me away form seafood?" Kisame whispered in horror. "Such a crime cannot go unpunished." He pulled his samehada off his back and addressed the owner again. "Give me directions or I'll chop off your leg."
The man went pale. "Down the street, the second right, then the third left. It's another block down on the left. You can't miss it."
Kisame put his sword back with a flourish. He hoped those brats across the street had noticed. "Thank you. If it isn't there, I shall be coming back here." He grinned, showing off his pointy teeth. The ramen stand owner nodded frantically. Kisame headed down the street, followed by Itachi, who was now thoroughly exasperated. He bared his teeth again as he passed close to where the brats were standing. The kids shrank back and Kisame began to feel better.
He took the second right, and then the third left. They hadn't been down this street before, but it looked vaguely familiar. Sure enough, after another block, Kisame could see the seafood restaurant that he recalled from three years ago. "Jii-chan's Lobster Shack." Kisame drooled in anticipation. He noticed distractedly that the building was larger and fancier than it had been when he last was here.
He walked into the restaurant to find it already filled with the dinner crowd. While he was glad the restaurant was popular so it stayed in business, he wished there were less people here so he
A man dressed in a fancy outfit was taking names of groups as they entered. Kisame wondered just how popular this place had become --there hadn't been a maitre d' when he was last here. He also wondered if their limited funds could cover a meal here. Being in Akatsuki was badass and evil and all, but the pay was mediocre at best.
The maitre d' looked up to see Kisame and Itachi, his eyes raking over them carefully, not missing a single detail. A very faint frown appeared, but was quickly smoothed over. Snob, Kisame thought. There were times he wished he wasn't a missing-nin --or at least didn't openly proclaim that he was a missing-nin. "A table for two, gentlemen?" the man asked in a snooty voice. "It will be a twenty to thirty minute wait."
Kisame leaned down till his face was inches away from the other's face. "That's about twenty to thirty minutes too long," he told the maitre d' cheerfully.
The man didn't back down or even flinch. "You gentlemen will have to either wait in line or go somewhere else. Other establishments might cater to ninjas, but we certainly do not. Especially," he sneered, "not missing-nin."
"And how do you plan to stand up to those words, sir?" Kisame asked. A fun little scuffle before dinner was just the thing to work up an appetite.
Itachi sighed and pretended he didn't know Kisame.
"This town in under the protection of Hidden Grass Village," the maitre d' replied, cool as could be. "I'm sure the good, law abiding ninja of Hidden Grass will be more than willing to hunt down two criminals."
"They'd try to hunt us down," Kisame grinned. "But they won't know that there's a problem."
Two minutes later Kisame and Itachi had a table on the second floor next to the window, giving them a lovely view of the sun setting over the rooftops. As for the maitre d', his remains were found a week later when the janitor went to investigate the strange smell coming from the old broom closet next to the men's room.
Kisame picked up his menu (pilfered on the way back from the men's room) and began inspecting the selection. It was so hard to decide what to order since everything looked good. While he was still debating, their waiter arrived. He placed a glass of water down in front of each of them.
"Good evening, sirs," the young man said politely. "Our soups today are clam chowder, cream of broccoli, and shark fin. May I take your drink orders while you're deciding?" He flipped out a pad of paper and poised his pen over it in anticipation.
Kisame's eyes widened. "You have shark fin soup?" he demanded in horror.
The waiter, completely missing his tone, nodded. "Yes sir. It's considered to be quite a delicacy." Kisame twitched. The waiter continued, "It's very tasty and, despite what recent investigations may suggest, not at all dangerous to your health. Look, the people sitting next to you ordered shark fin soup." He pointed.
Kisame turned around. Sure enough, the man had a bowl in front of him that contained a distinct shark fin. And the color of the fin reminded him of... "Great-uncle Keisuke!" Kisame exclaimed. "Is that you?" He jumped up out of his seat, snatched the bowl from the table just as the man was going to take a bite, and cradled it tenderly in his arms. "It is you, it is! Oh, just look what you've been reduced to! Poor, poor great-uncle Keisuke!"
Itachi pretended he didn't know Kisame again.
"What are you doing with my soup?" the man demanded angrily.
Kisame looked down on him, his sadness suddenly turning to anger. "You ate my great-uncle Keisuke!" he yelled loudly enough for the whole restaurant to hear. "How dare you? Taste my vengeance!" Holding the remains of the soup carefully in his left hand, he pulled his samehada from where he'd left it propped up next to his chair and with one smooth stroke split the man in two. Blood splattered all over Kisame, the floor, and the man's table, ruining what food hadn't been eaten yet.
The man's female companion screamed, and the waiter cowered back in horror. Kisame casually put his sword back down and sat. He pet the soup dish gently. "Don't worry, great-uncle Keisuke. I'll see that you get a proper burial." He turned back to the trembling waiter. Pointing to his menu, he said, "I'll have this, and this, and this, and this--"
He was interrupted by a loud thump. He looked up to see that the waiter was sprawled out on his back, passed out. Kisame sighed and turned to his partner. "The service here was so much better three years ago. It must be under new management."
"That's the second person you've killed since we got here," Itachi pointed out. "If you don't slow down, we'll never get something to eat."
Kisame made a face. That wouldn't do at all; he was hungry now. He picked up his water glass and emptied it over the waiter's face. The young man woke up spluttering. Upon waking, the first thing he saw was Kisame looking down at him. The waiter screamed like a little girl.
There were times when it didn't pay to be evil, Kisame reflected. He grabbed the waiter by the front of his shirt and jerked him up. "Look," he said, trying to be patient, "we just want to eat. Please bring us some food, and we won't cause any more trouble." The waiter nodded pitifully and scrambled to his feet. Kisame repeated his order and Itachi gave his. The waiter glanced at the table next to theirs, which was drawing stares from all the other customers too (probably due to the blood), and then dashed off.
Rather not to his surprise, their food arrived very quickly, the plates vibrating visibly in the waiter's shaking hands. "Please enjoy your meal," the waiter squeaked after putting down his burdens and then scampered off at a fairly impressive speed. Kisame focused on his food, broke apart his chopsticks, and happily dug in.
Though many things about this restaurant had changed (and before now, Kisame would have firmly said that all those changes were for the worse, and not just because he'd been feeling nostalgic since reaching this town), the food was excellent, and that was the most important thing after all. As he cleaned off his last dish (Mother had brought him up to be a good boy who always cleaned off his plate before asking to be excused from the table), he wondered if he should order a few more dishes to go. Food this good would taste even better after a few days on the road. And, since Itachi could be such a sour-puss at times, he'd likely not have to share any of his food.
He held up a hand to flag down their waiter, who appeared beside their table, shielding himself inadequately with his tray. "Would you gentlemen like anything else tonight?" he gasped out between shaky breathes.
You had to hand it to the restaurant's employee training, when a waiter could call you a gentleman even while fearing actively for his life. Kisame ordered about ten more dishes to go, while Itachi was starting to look rather bored. When the waiter made his final appearance with the extra food, neatly packed in four separate doggy bags, he looked even more frightened. He held out a piece of paper in a hand that trembled with seismic intensity. "Your... your bill, sirs." He stammered and then, not being a complete idiot, fled for his life.
Kisame gazed at the bill warily before picking it up, holding it carefully between two fingers as if it were something toxic, or at least fairly disgusting. His eyes traveled to the bottom line and he barely stifled a gasp. "You didn't notice the prices before ordering, did you?" Itachi asked dryly. Kisame pretended he hadn't heard him.
What was he going to do? This was the same as the salary he got from Akatsuki for a whole month's work. The place hadn't been nearly this expensive last time he'd been here. He considered his options. He could pay the bill, and then have no money for the next three weeks or so. He could pay part of the bill, and hope their waiter was too afraid of him to make a big deal out of it. Or, and here he started to feel the nervousness of one who knows they're planning to do something very wrong, they could pull a dine-and-dash.
He decided to consult his partner. "Itachi-san, how much money do you have?"
"Not enough to pay that bill," Itachi replied.
Kisame glanced to the side. They were sitting next to a large bay window and they were only on the second floor. And across the street was a low building that had a very firm-looking roof. The two of them could easily get out of here and away before anyone was the wiser. He offered his partner a hopeful smile. "Itachi-san, how do you feel about some after dinner exercise?" he asked, picking up the precious bowl that contains the remains of his dear great-uncle Keisuke.
Itachi sighed and reluctantly followed Kisame's lead, while mentally promising himself that, in the future, he'd do a better job of pretending he didn't know Kisame.
Just as they broke the window in a shower of glass (which fortunately didn't hit any other customers, since no one wanted to sit next to them after that incident with the soup), their waiter walked by. "No!" he wailed. "If you run, your bill will be deducted from my paycheck!"
"Sorry!" Kisame called. "No hard feelings, okay? Don't try to follow us." And he jumped out the window after Itachi. Behind him, their waiter lunged after him, trying to grab the edge of Kisame's cloak. He was, however, patently not a ninja, so not only did he not manage to grab Kisame in time, but he also tripped over the edge of the window, cut himself on a large shard of glass, and then fell out of the window to land on the street below.
Across the street, Kisame glanced backwards and noted the unnatural angle of the waiter's neck. "He didn't take my tip," he noted.
Loud screams erupted from the restaurant as the two quickly made their get-away. "I can't go anywhere with you, can I?" Itachi sighed.
Tune in next time for: Adventures in Nail Polish! Because by now everyone has wondered about that.
Current random Original Character death count: 3