The train stopped at its destination, and two rebels suddenly emerged from it. The catchy theme song played, and the spiky-headed, buster sword wielding protagonist sliced 'n diced two guards.
Yes, this is the beginning of Final Fantasy VII. At least, how we know it. But in the eyes of the Cheese God, things were different...
Prepare yourself for a journey like no other...
This story is loosely based on Final Fantasy VII. The Fantasy Alchemist does not own Final Fantasy VII. Okay? Okay. And another note... this story was inspired by THE FF7 CHEESE MAN. May he take credit where credit is due. In other words, don't sue the poor author!
You're approaching the fic...
WARNING: The Fantasy Alchemist does not take any responsibility for the damage caused by this fic. Nor will he pay for therapy. Read at your own risk.
Final Fantasy VII: Chronicles of Cheese
Somewhere in the Sector 7 slums...
"When is Daddy coming back?" a young, bright-eyed girl asked curiously, swinging her legs back and forth from the table she sat on.
"Soon, Marlene, soon," a young brunette woman replied gently. She continued drying a glass, and heaved a sigh. Things were so hectic now. She merely wished the best for her friends.
"C'mon, foo'," a buff man told the young, slightly psychotic man they had recently recruited.
The new guy gave a swift, affirmative nod of his head, continuing after the man. But, unluckily, two guards attacked the young man.
And these weren't just any guards.
They were cheese guards.
"Oh my god, the cheese, it burns!" cried the man, hurling his huge sword around as if it were a fly swatter.
Suddenly, a flashback entered the man's spiky blond head.
"Bwahahaha! It is I, Cheeseroth!" shouted a silver-haired man, cackling in a manner only an insane guy can cackle.
"Oh noes, Cheeseroth! Aiiieeee! Why are you so evil?" cried a young boy, shielding his eyes from the cheese fiend.
"You would be evil, too, if you were made of cheese!" cried Cheeseroth, a single manly tear rolling down his cheek.
"IT WAS LIKE A SOAP OPERA!" cried the spiky-headed man, killing off the last evil cheese guard. "Hn?"
The man looked at the guards he had killed. Evidently, the memory of Cheeseroth had unlocked a secret power within him or some jazz like that.
"Coolies!" he shouted.
Quickly, the dude made his way to the rest of the gang.
"Blah blah blah stuff you don't read because you like to skip through text!" said the people.
"What is your name?" asked a man with a headband.
"Uhh..." strained the man spoken to. "Uh, um, it's Cloud!" He posed awkwardly, trying to act cool.
"Wow! What a feminine name! Blah blah blah!" replied Headband.
Cloud remained speechless due to his lack of interest. Hrm.
"Everybody in the hood! Move out!" ordered the leader, his gaze now locking with Cloud's.
"Used to be with the CheeseRa, eh? Don't trust ya, foo'," the guy who was just identified as Barret said in an unnerving manner.
"Whatev," shrugged Cloud.
Inside the reactor, Barret explained to Cloud why they were trying to defeat the CheeseRa.
"This planet's life blood is cheese," Barret said in a dramatic way, "and them damn CheesRa keep suckin' out all the cheese with no thought o' the planet! They're killin' it! And don't nobody do anything. That's why it's AVALANCHE's duty to keep dis planet alive!"
There was no response to Barret's dramatic, compelling, tear-jerking and utterly moving speech.
"Foo'?" asked Barret.
"snore" replied Cloud.
The next scene has been censored because of how much I appreciate the audience.
And then, everybody goes 'blah' and the whole frickin' place goes BOOM! Next scene, please.
Cloud was walking through the streets when he ran into a cheese girl named Aeris.
"Would you like to buy some cheese?" she automatically uttered.
"Uh, sure," said Cloud, deciding to be courteous. "How much?"
"Only a gil!" she giggled.
"Hot dog!" cried Cloud, swiping his cheese and managing to toss the girl a coin. "What a bargain!"
He scurried off with his treasure.
And now we're at Tifa's Seventh Heaven. And no, she is not affiliated with the TV show in any way.
"Cloud!" cried Tifa, running up to her old friend. "Oh, cheese! Is it for me?"
"Uh, sure, yeah," Cloud said. He handed her the cheese, which she happily munched on, sharing some with Marlene.
"Thank you so much, Cloud! One day, I will fill the entire bar with cheese!" Tifa exclaimed.
Cloud nodded understandingly.
He headed down into the hideout where he met with Barret.
"Heard ya gave my daughter some cheese, foo'," he said, his glare once more upon Cloud.
"Yup," Cloud replied simply, masking his nervousness.
"Thanks."
Ladi dadi da, Cloud's upstairs now.
"Cloud," Tifa inquired tenderly. "Do you remember your promise?"
"Hn?" Cloud asked surprisedly.
"So you're forgotten..." Tifa said, tears glistening in her eyes. "I thought when you gave me that cheese, you remembered..."
"No, Tifa," Cloud said, "I... remember. At the well in Nibelheim, town of cheese?"
Tifa nodded gleefully. "Yes... and your promise..."
"Tifa, I'm gonna become a champion cheese eater!" exclaimed a young Cloud.
"Wow, Cloud, that's really something!" Tifa said with a smile.
"Yeah! I'm gonna be as good as Cheeseroth!" young Cloud gloated.
"Wow!" said young Tifa. "Since you're gonna be a champion, you're gonna be famous, right?"
Cloud nodded in reply.
"So if I'm ever in a bind, you'll save me with your cheese eating powers?" Tifa asked eagerly.
"Sure!" Cloud agreed.
A chunk of flying moon cheese streaked through the air at that very moment.
And that seems like a nice place to end the first chapter! Reviews are appreciated! And no, I am not on crack! At least, I think...