Disclaimer: If The Fantasy Alchemist owned Final Fantasy VII, it'd be about cheese. So obviously, I don't own it.

Final Fantasy VII: Chronicles of Cheese

Moseying in Sector 5, Cloud buys some items with AVALANCHE's funds. Like he cares.

Cloud decides to exit Sector 5 and make it to Sector 7, his precious items in tow. Yep, you knew it, he bought cheese.

"Ah, okay, got me some cheese, now I need to visit the rabid monkey infested zoo to pick up crackers... hey, uh, hi, Aeris!" Cloud nervously smiled at the woman clad in pink, waving with his free hand.

"You're up bright and early," Aeris spoke, her arms crossed and foot tapping.

"But, but! I wanted to buy CHEESE! You can't separate me from my love, you evil person!" defended Cloud.

"Are you done?" Aeris asked bitterly.

Cloud nodded solemnly.

"You have to go through the slum in Sector 6 to get to Tifa's Seventh Heaven. I'll take you there. Come one!" Aeris said excitedly.

"Since when did I tell you the name of Tifa's bar? Stalker!" shouted Cloud, but Aeris ignored him.

Cloud followed Aeris through a demolished road, when BAM! No, I am not impersonating Emeril, they were attacked by a monster house that shot fireballs!

"Oh my god! How random!" cried Aeris, taking twelve points of damage, she almost dead.

"Aaaaah! Run from the madness!" shouted Cloud in a shrill voice.

Oh noes, Aeris lost all her hit points!

"Ooga booga wha?" asked Cloud, still wildly flailing his arms.

The evil mutant house retreated, Cloud staring at the unconscious Aeris blankly.

"Cheese Down!" he stated, using a revival item.

"What took you so long?" Aeris asked.

"I was contemplating whether or not to use my precious cheese on you," Cloud whined.

The two came to a playground, and Aeris said, "The gate to Sector 7's in there."

"Okey dokey, artichokey. I guess this is Teletubby bye-bye. You gonna be okay goin' home?" asked Cloud.

"Uh, yeah! Oh, I mean, oh no! 'Whatever will I do?' Is that what you expect me to say?" Aeris took a defiant stance, glaring at Cloud.

"Uh... yeah," Cloud replied nonchalantly.

"Just shut up! I'm coming with you!" sighed Aeris. "Hey, look! I love playing on that, I mean, I used to love playing on that!" cried Aeris, motioning towards a large, moogle-shaped children's slide. "Can we take a break?"

"Whatev," Cloud shrugged.

"I can't believe it's still here," Aeris said, climbing to the top. "Cloud, get over here!"

Cloud climbed up and sat next to her, relaxing a little.

"What rank were you?" Aeris asked suddenly, as if she had lured Cloud into a trap.

"Wha?" he asked confusedly.

"You know, in SOLDIER," Aeris added.

"Oh, I was... uh..." stalled Cloud. Suddenly, the screen flashed white, somehow giving Cloud the knowledge that he needed. "First Class."

"Just the same as him..." sighed Aeris.

"As who?" questioned Cloud, his ADD not yet rearing its ugly head. "Man, do I love squirrels." Spoke too soon.

"He did, too!" cried Aeris. "My first boyfriend."

"I love eating squirrels, too, and- Boyfriend? You were serious?"

"No, but I liked him for a while anyway." Aeris smiled brightly.

"Fried squirrels with mashed potatoes... man, ain't that the best." Cloud nodded his head as if confirming what he said. "Hey, what was his name? I probably knew him. Unless, he was like, a dork. 'Cuz the Cloud Mastah doesn't associate with dorks."

"It doesn't really matter," said Aeris, a bit of sadness lacing her words.

"He was a dork, huh?" Cloud said.

The big gate in the back opened, a chocobo-drawn carriage emerging from it.

"Hey, a chocobo!" yelled Cloud excitedly. "And Tifa! Hey, Tifa! Haven't seen you for a while! How's your sick aunt?"

The carriage left, and Aeris questioned Cloud, "That was Tifa? Where was she going? She looked kind of odd..."

Aeris hopped off the moogle slide, and ran after the cart, Cloud shouting, "Hey, are you calling her ugly? That's quite rude... hey, who said you could come along?"

Cloud sighed in an exasperated manner, following Aeris.

They arrive at the Wall Market, Cloud looking around nervously. "Gee... this place is creepy." He gives a shudder, and follows after Aeris.

"We need to find Tifa," she said, trying to keep Cloud focused.

"But Mommy, I need to go pee pee!" he wailed.

So Aeris escorted Cloud to the little boys' room, and hoped that they'd go undistracted from there.

"Hey! Look! A brothel!" Cloud shouted excitedly.

"Cloud!" shouted Aeris, smacking him.

Cloud began to sob.

"Let's go to that mansion," Aeris said, dragging the sobbing Cloud.

The man at the entrance of mansion looked over Aeris and Cloud. "This is the mansion of Don Corneo, the most powerful man in Wall Market. Look, the Don's not interested in men. So don't let me catch you around here again."

Cloud began to sob uncontrollably once more. "The ugly guy's sexist!" he cried.

"C'mon, Cloud, I got an idea," Aeris said evilly.

"We goin' to the brothel?" Cloud asked, suddenly perking up.

Aeris smacked her forehead defeatedly. "Just come on..."

Blah, blah, blah, later when Cloud has a dress...

"Yayee! I used to wear dresses all the time when I was in SOLDIER! Everybody told me that I was sexy!" shouted Cloud joyfully, hugging his new dress. "Are we gonna play a game?"

"Yes, Cloud," replied Aeris, "it's called 'Rescue Tifa'. Now put on that dress and come with me."

Cloud swiftly and immodestly dressed, emerging with a sparkling smile and a dress that sparkled with it.

Everyone in the store gasped, even the cat. He was sexy. Think straight thoughts, think straight thoughts, think straight thoughts...

"Ah, Cloud, how lovely!" Aeris said. "Now I wanna look pretty!"

She chose a new dress and changed into it. Luckily, when she emerged from the changing room, her sex wasn't altered.

"You're being pretty with me! Yayee! This is the best game EVER!" Cloud exclaimed jubilantly.

The two headed to Don Corneo's mansion, braced for any monstrosity, except that of the lecherous Don Corneo...

Ah! Another random chapter! If you don't review, Cloud will eat a squirrel!