Disclaimer: I don't own Gilmore Girls, or sadly, Jess.
Notes: I know that this fic sort of resembles "Jagged", but I decided that one was too out of character for Rory, I could not write something I did not think could really happening. So this time, its Jess's terms, which makes more sense. This is a future Lit fic, and its written as if the 6.8 had never happened. Why? Because I am focusing on their relationship, not on Rory's growth, and that was all that episode focused on. But he'll be back-as soon as Milo stops being an idiot, a beautiful, beautiful idiot.
And everybody knows the way I walk
And knows the way I talk
And knows the way I feel about you
It's all a bunch of shit
And there's nothing to do around here
It's totally fucked up
I'm totally fucked up
Wish you were here
The wind was cold against his skin, reflecting his mood. He took another drink of his coffee, hoping the hot liquid would warm his spirits. It burned his tongue. He grimaced, and then sighed. The field was vacant. It was almost ten thirty at night and darkness covered the grass and weeds. He liked coming out here like this-it was tranquil. It was a way for him to get away from everything against him, and it was the only way he could find to clear his mind. When he breathed the fresh air it took him to a place before his mistakes, before he existed. It was a place he could not define or see but he knew it was there; he could feel it as his lungs were cleansed and his mind cleared. The fresh air would push the past and present out and pull hope in. Usually, he thought of song lyrics, authors and poems. Often he would stand in that field and imagine what he would write if he ever focused himself enough, what kind of legacy he would leave behind. But tonight was different. Tonight nothing could divert him from dwelling on the past.
An hour or so ago, he had been working at the bookstore and a girl walked in. She had thick shoulder length brown hair that shined as the sun hit her in the doorway. Her eyes stood out as a deep blue against her pale skin. Her lips were a blushed red-natural but enticing. The smile she gave him briefly as she discovered him staring was sweet and soft, like a whisper. He could have sworn it was Her, The Girl. At the sight of her his body had frozen and he found himself immobilized, unable to call out to her as she disappeared behind a tall shelf of books. His heart pounded and he left the register to his co-worker, almost jogging through the store. He turned past a shelf and there she was. Her back was facing him, and he readied himself to say her name again. But he hesitated. That's when he knew it was not right. Some feeling told him it was not Her, it was just another pretty face. He felt like crying, yelling, or even hurting the impersonator in front of him. But before he could act rashly, she turned to him and with too much confidence asked him if they had Atlas Shrugged here, because she had found The Fountainhead but the other masterpiece was nowhere to be found. Jess felt vomit rise in his throat. He forced it down and told her moodily that they could order another copy for her. She refused the offer and left the store quickly-but the damage was done. This stranger had put Rory in Jess' head and it was impossible to get her out.
I can't remember the last thing that you said as you were leaving, now the days go by so fast.
Jess had always thought that love was that gnawing guilt you felt when your mom was upset. For most of his life, he refused to believe all of the claims that love was the key to life. Early on, he studied his surroundings and decided it brought you only pain. Lust was easier to deal with-it was natural and satisfying. For a while, Jess would pick the bimbo blonde who gave him the eye and deal with her until he was bored of her brainlessness. Love was a myth, fiction, a falsehood made up by Jane Austen and the Bronte sisters.
When it hit him, he was not ready. She was too beautiful, too smart, too adorable, and too right. Jess was always afraid: afraid of loosing her, of hurting her, and of breaking her like a porcelain doll. Fear took him over and he hid all of his demons from her, thinking if he locked it up it could not hurt this perfect girl. But his plan backfired.
She was supposed to tell him she loved him after he said it, after he was able to tell her all that she was and that she was all that mattered. Instead, she told him over the phone, across the country. Instead, she told him as she broke it off, as she cried because she felt she was worthless. She was supposed to cry because she knew she was worth everything.
Jess tightened the muscles in his jaw as he forced him self to remember the cracking in her voice and the gasps of breath she took to impede her crying. At the sound of her broken voice, his intuition was to beat kill the person who did this to her because they could not live on this earth if they could hurt the single worthwhile thing in it. But there was only him to blame. He left her. Now that years had passed, he could not remember what went through his mind as he took that bus out of Stars Hollow, or what made him sit there as she left that bus. If he could go back, he would follow her, wait at Chilton while she took her classes and then tell her everything-every little part of him like a first confession. It was too late now. He tried to go back and fix it, but the only result was upsetting her even more. On his last visit, she had yelled at him. Jess had never heard Rory yell like that before-he had never seen her that angry before. It was because of him-because of who he was at 17. He wished he could show her who he was at 23. He wished he could tell her he still thinks of her, that he makes Luke call him and update him on Rory's life. Most of all, he wished he could tell her he loved her, one more time.
"It's too late," he said to the grass and to the wind that took his words and swallowed them, leaving an emptiness they tried to mask. He checked his watch, took one more deep breath, and left his last piece of peace.
Today is gonna be the day that they're gonna give it back to you.
By now you should've somehow realized what you gotta do
I don't believe that anybody feels the way I do about you now
His feet shuffled and his shoes were scuffed as his regret weighed on him. He entered his hole-in-the wall apartment he called home and shut the door hastily, hoping to shut the world out and turn the apartment into the haven he needed. Instead, it reminded him that nothing had changed, that he never finished high school, and that he had never amounted to anything. Just like everyone had said. He threw his coffee cup violently in the plastic trash can by the door, making an even louder noise than when he had shut the door.
"Jess?" A voice called out to him from deeper in the rooms.
"Yeah?" he called out.
"Jess! You're home!" a peppy female voice squealed. Jess let out a small groan. It was his roommate's girlfriend, Casey. She talked more than both Gilmore girls on coffee. He flinched at this comparison. Obviously, Rory was still on his mind.
Casey padded out of the bedroom, a huge grin on her freckled face. With her blonde hair, freckles and blue eyes, she was the perfect Californian. She was clad with sweat pants and a large shirt that only slightly showed her pregnant stomach. Jess was shocked when Dan and Casey had told him about the pregnancy with smiles on their faces. Dan and Casey both worked low-wage jobs and soon Casey would not be able to work anymore. But instead of worrying about their less than great financial situation, they were ecstatic about the new life growing inside her. Jess took their optimism as stupidity and he pitied them
"How was work?" she asked routinely as she hugged him tightly. She never seemed to care that Jess left his arms stiffly at his sides.
"Fine," he answered as she pulled away.
"You were out late again," she said simply. It was not an accusation, just a lure to get him to talk-it never worked.
"Just, walking around," he said plainly, shrugging. He never told Dan or Casey about the field-he preferred to keep it to himself.
"With all the walking you do, you think you'd be more athletic looking. I mean, look at you, your skin and bones. Want some tea?" She moved hurriedly towards the stove and dirty fridge they called the kitchen, not waiting for his answer. She did this almost every night-some how Jess could not bring himself to tell her he hated tea.
"I have an interesting story to tell you." Casey put the teakettle on the stove and then hurried over the few inches to their small and only table. Jess followed and sat down, welcoming the distraction.
"Did I ever tell you about my old boyfriend Jared?" She asked enthusiastically. Jess shook his head mutely. "Well, we dated a while back. Things were good, for a while. But, I don't know, I guess we were both kind of screwed up. Anyway, he came by my work today!" She looked at Jess expectedly, hoping he would have a more enthused reaction then just listening.
"What happened?" he surrendered to her stare.
"Well, he comes and tells me he loves me. Just like that! He's all, 'Casey, I love you.' So, obviously, I am pretty surprised. I mean I haven't talked to this guy in years. I have barely thought about any other guys since Dan! I mean, don't you think he would've seen my stomach! It's huge! Anyway, he stares at me for a minute, and I stare at him. I mean I don't know what to say! It was a while ago! So then, he just kind of mumbles something and leaves. Isn't that ridiculous?"
The irony hit Jess hard. Was this his imagination? How is it possible that something so similar could happen to two completely different people? And why would it happen on today of all days? Jess was not sure if he believed that coincidences were really some higher force trying to tell you something, but this message was hard to ignore.
"Why didn't you say anything?" Jess asked suddenly, as if he hoped Casey could give him the answers Rory never gave. Casey was surprised by the question. She had known Jess for a year now, she was sure he had never asked her a question before.
"Well…I mean . . . what was I supposed to say? He just comes out of nowhere, I mean, its not like he's called me or seen me before, and he just lays this big confession on me!" The teapot whistled, and Casey got up saying, "besides, I love Dan now."
Jess stared at the old rickety chair in front of him. Casey was right, it was ridiculous-some guy just came out from the shadows, says he loves her and then disappears into the shadow again. What could Casey do? He was not trying to be a part of her life-Jess was not sure what this Jared was trying to do. What had Jess been trying to do, be with Rory? It suddenly dawned on him all at once-an excuse for Rory's reaction without saying he meant nothing to her. After six years, Jess finally realized what he had to do. In just a few moments, his entire conscious had been altered. It was not unheard of-it was similar to Jess and Rory's first kiss, when Jess' dad showed up in Stars Hollow or when Jess showed up in California. All of those had changed his life. He had to be with her.
"I'm leaving," Jess said suddenly to Casey, who had abandoned the tea and was now indulging in an ice cream container. She looked only slightly perplexed, as she was currently more concerned about the ice cream.
"Where are you going?" She said to him as he disappeared into the bedroom, looking for his green duffle bag.
"Connecticut."
And all the roads that lead to you were winding
And all the lights that light the way are blinding
There are many things that I would like to say to you
I don't know how
I said maybe
You're gonna be the one who saves me?
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A/n There's Chapter 1, Chapter 2 should be up very soon.
Songs in this chapter:
Wish You Were Here by Ryan Adams
Long December by Counting Crows
And Wonderwall by Ryan Adams