Wishes
Rating: PG-13.
Pairings: Sanzo/Hakkai, Gojyo/Hakkai.
1.
It was dark when we left the house, making our way through the thicket down to where jeep waited. Your eye glittered green and it was then I noticed Sanzo looking off to the right as if he was annoyed.
I know better, he was to blame for something.
2.
I'm glad for the little monkey, but for him the silence would be stifling, deadening, choking us even while Hakkai's hands gripped the wheel firmly, while I stared at the back of Sanzo's head wondering why we put ourselves through this.
3.
Perhaps what grates on me the most is that I somehow missed the chance, the opportunity to be where he is. With him. Is it even fair? I was there first, after all.
I know that there's something behind all of this that I'm refusing to admit to myself.
4.
I have to hand it to Goku – he isn't dumb, and he's doing his best to keep talking even though the only person humouring him can muster a half smile.
His eye still glitters, I focus on the white of his knuckles, where skin has stretched in tension.
I wonder who will lose their patience first, Sanzo or me? It's an idle thought, and I don't want to cause a scene even if this one is no less subtle.
Even though I want Hakkai, I wouldn't dream of coming between them. I don't know why, I have no respect for Sanzo. So I suppose it only has to do with respecting Hakkai. And that's important, I'm beginning to understand what he sees in Sanzo. Or thinks he sees.
5.
I admire Sanzo, to a small degree. It is mixed with a general disregard for his wants needs and wishes, but there, behind it all is admiration for his drive. Which makes it more difficult to reconcile his being with Hakkai because I could be that much more to him. I think.
6.
I'm conflicted. Like my blood, like my blood red hair which is a warning and that's why he doesn't look at me. I don't stand tall and firm, I don't sit there with principles and causes.
But I'm here.
7.
The journey ends because Goku runs out of steam as we approach a town and even though we could drive on to the next one with the atmosphere as it is I don't dare say anything. We are out and about and apart within seconds, eager to get away and even though I mean to give him his space, his privacy, have respect for their relationship I find myself following Hakkai.
8.
He's distracted, but he knows I'm here.
But I'm here?
I'm here for him, even though he refuses to see me. And it isn't even as if I'm not warning him away, blood red hair like a damn beacon.
He's more beautiful than he possibly knows, and I would tell him every day. And never let him out of my sight.
9.
He wanders without aim, towards privacy. This feels wrong because I feel a plan budding. I'm suddenly nervous – what if? What if something happens and that's the end of it all?
10.
The sun slants at an angle, it is dusty hot and I can feel every mile dragging at my feet. Head's cloudy and if I had any sense I'd leave this be and just go. But I can't ignore my wishes. Wishes I have for him and me.
What right do I have?
11.
Before we know it we are by the well on the other side of town, he turns to look at me and his eyes are no longer glittering, they are glassy hard and I'm not sure what that means but I don't like the look of them. They look hard and oh god I'm going to kill Sanzo.
12.
There are words, but they run through the fingers like dry rice, evaporating like haze in the morning sun. I don't recall, and neither does he but we say things that have vague meanings, meanings that are concrete when I find the courage to kiss him.