Chapter Nine: Pathetic Humor of the Day

I'm pretty sure what ya'll know about the Marauders is a very pretty picture of four perfect teenagers. Wrong. We were the cool guys, I'll admit. However, we were also bullies. Well, James and me anyway, but we were. Even if it was mostly to Snape, it fits nicely in the category. I would like to talk about it but I already had enough with my depressive life. I would rather talk about when we were ourselves, you know, Remus, Sirius, James, and Peter. Our days in the Common Room, or on our way to breakfast, even a silly conversation in the train compartment...

"Jamesieboy!" I yelled, entering the compartment in a very high fashion... tripping and falling flat on my face. The other three so-called best friends roared with laughter, but of course, that was solved with a little flick from my wand. Then again, I was subjected to ten minutes of silent mockery... the rest was out loud.

"Oi, Sirius... what did ya find down there?" said James, sending Remus and Peter into another fit of laughter for unknown reasons.

"You really don't want to go there," I warned James, he raised an eyebrow at me. "D'you want me to remind you about that time you were coming out of the Com–" James put his hand over my mouth sending the others into a fit of laughter. I still didn't know what was so funny.

And the I saw it... Remus... he was looking at me weird... Now, that's something we don't see everyday... okay, so we do see its every single day...

"Sirius," he said. "Why d'you always go for blonds?"

I blinked. If I had a what-the-fuck look on my face before I couldn't even imagine how I looked at the moment. Remus. Remus Lupin, what the hell was he asking me this for anyway? It's not like I had dated a lot of girls... really!

Marissa, I noticed, was standing on the doorway looking quite interested in what I had to say. I took one look around to every one and was about to reply when Peter beat me to it.

"Because they are the only ones dumb enough to date him," he snorted. Even Marissa laughed, my own GIRLFRIEND laughed at THAT!

"My apologies, Marissa, if I offended you," said Peter. Marissa was still catching her breath. Some girlfriend I got myself.

"It's okay, Peter," she said. "You didn't offend me. Even though I did have a very blonde moment when I said yes to dating Sirius," she said teasingly.

"And I suppose your greatest blonde moment of all was the moment you said you would marry me?" I said sardonically.

Marissa rolled her eyes. "Guys– well, Remus, anyway, do try and keep Sirius out of trouble... I'd hate giving him detention."

That would've been the opportune moment for me to say something like "There's nothing better like detention from you" or "The Dungeons, 8 o'clock, is that right?" but I was pretending to be pissed. I could be a really good actor.

"Bye, honey," she said waving. "Love you!"

"Don't care," I muttered. Oh, yes very mature, I know. I decided it was time for me to turn the conversation around from "Pick-On-Sirius" day to "Teach-Jamesie boy-Something" day. Oh yes, my favorites.

"So, Jamesie boy," I said, suddenly sounding very happy. "During the summer I came up with this set of steps you should follow to get the girl of your dreams," I said taking out a slip of paper from my pocket, and smiling mischievously. Peter was laughing but Remus was looking... peaceful. He looked as though he was practicing yoga, though I have to admit he was acting kind of feminine lately, for lack of better word (or for respect of a friend more like...) The influence your girlfriend can have on you...

"Step number one," I said, trying very hard not to laugh. "Let her know you exist."

"You got to work very hard on that one James," said Peter seriously. "You lie low too much... go out, let yourself be more open."

"Don't harass her," I said under my breath.

"What?" said James, looking at me. "I didn't catch that."

"Oh you'll find out very soon, Jamesie boy–"

"Would you quit it with the Jamesie Boy already?"

"Why should I?"

"Why shouldn't you–"

"Would you mind?" interrupted Peter sounding very annoyed.

I looked at Remus who had one eye opened then he closed it and went back to his "calm-looking" position... he was seriously starting to scare me.

"Step number two." I said clearing my throat. "Sweet talk to her."

That got Remus' attention...

"Hey Evans! I'm taunting Snape! Want to come to his rescue so that I can bombard you with the same question over and over? Oh, and by the way– will you go out with me?" James was the only one who didn't laugh at Remus' impersonation of how foolish James looked when he asked Lily out and she exercised her different ways of brushing him off.

"Step number three, and my personal favorite... "Plan the perfect first date before you ask her out, just in case."

"I think James had the first date planned before he met her–"

"He just changes it every time Lily turns him down–"

The battle of the interruptions. I interrupted Peter and James interrupted me... to say something we'd never heard before (hope sarcasm is no foreign language)

"She doesn't turn me down," He said. That was the cue for three pairs of eyes to roll and three mouths to mouth the next six words. "She's just denying she likes me."

"James," I said, patting him on the back. "My bedtime is about twelve hours away... Step number four, slowly but determinedly make the first move– James Potter head out of gutter," I said not looking at him. "It's just a kiss."

"Whoever said my mind was in the gutter," he said. Then muttered, "after seven years whose wouldn't?"

I rolled my eyes again. "And last but not least... step number five, which also happens to be Peter's personal favorite... drum roll please!" I said, Peter started hitting the window. "Do. Not. Harass. Her." James looked at us. Oh, yes he knew. It was more the fact that we were dying to laugh at him that gave it away.

"You two," he said pointing dangerously at Remus and Peter. "You were in on this crap, weren't you?"

They shrugged. "When are we not?" they said before I let out my bark-like laugh, pissing James off in the process.

Of course there was always that time were we were in the Common Room...

"Peter would you mind passing me that chocolate frog?" said James who was sprawled on the couch with a hand over his eyes. The O.W.L.s were coming up and as always James and I were on vacation while the rest of the students broke their heads trying to find a way to make all the information stay in their minds and pass the tests. I can ask only one question... why worry?

"Here you go, Prongs," said Peter tossing it at James, but somehow I caught it... somehow...

"Sirius," said James. "The chocolate is mine."

I laughed. "Yours? Who's eating it." He moved his hand from his eyes long enough to see me finishing the chocolate. He scowled and I stuck my tongue out at him.

"You disgust me," he said.

"Quiet!" Leave it to Remus to spoil the good mood. James went back to dozing off while I "practiced" levitation. That included hitting some second years and seventh years in the head with books then laughing my ass off long enough not to be able to apologize.

"I GOT IT!" said James leaping up from the couch and scaring half the students to death. The others were too used to it by now.

"WHAT?" I said. It was very strange when I was in the mood of yelling for no apparent reason.

James waited while every one resumed what they were doing to speak. "I got our next prank!"

"What is it?" I whispered back excitedly.

"Change the Slytherins hair color!"

I looked at James for a long time before it sank that he was actually excited. "James..." I said slowly. "We did that in first year... it's not cool anymore."

"Oh," he said. "okay." Then went back to the couch.

"I GOT IT!" no that was not James. It was Peter, and due to the last thing I witnessed I doubted that this was any good.

"What did you get, Pete?" I asked, noticing half the students were glaring at Peter.

"I got this Arithmancy problem, finally!" He said excitedly.

"Explain it, Peter," said Remus, a bored look on his face.

"Uh..." said Peter.

"Let's try it again, shall we?" said Remus, clearly annoyed.

"I GOT IT!"

"Quit it with the I got it's already," said our dear Head Girl. I blew a kiss at her making her blush. "Black, I hope you don't want detention, do you?"

"If it's with you, why not?" I swear she almost smiled, before she turned around.

Then, I remembered the reason I was flirting with her. James. It almost made me sick when I remembered he said the same three words he had said earlier. He got it!

"What did you get, James?" I asked almost afraid to speak.

"Invisibility. Dorms. Midnight." He said. Now that was more like it.

"How do you expect to get in there."

"Cloak."

"How much time?"

"Ten minutes the most. You do the boys. I'll do the girls. Remus and Peter can make guard."

"Why d'you get to do the girls dorm?"

"'Cause you have a girlfriend and I don't."

"And you want me to make mad passionately love to Snape, is that right?"

"If you have the time."

"Go to hell."

James laughed. "Oh! I almost forgot... I have another prank planned after that one."

I raised an eyebrow.

"On the Ravenclaws."

"Oh, you tease," I said as gay as I could. "Let's go, guys!"

The four of us made our way out of the Common Room leaving scared Gryffindors behind.

We were very dangerous... But we also were the most immature guys during breakfast. It was as though it was our time of the day to do and say the most stupid and dumb stuff ever done or said...

"Ouch!" I heard James say from my right. I looked at him, who was rubbing his nose.

"You training to be a ghost now?" I asked, Peter roared with laughter.

"Very funny," he said entering the great hall, still rubbing his nose. I shrugged and followed him.

We found Remus who as we approached, moved away.

"What's up with you?" I asked. He took one look at me and looked down at his breakfast. If I didn't know any better I would've thought he was dying to laugh.

"Anti-social," I muttered sitting down across him. He looked up at me and busted out laughing; I was too sleepy to care.

"Sirius, when was the last time you looked at yourself in the mirror?" asked Peter from my right. I looked at him.

"I can't remember, why?" I said questioningly. These guys could really be weird.

"'Cause there is no doubt in my mind that it wasn't this morning," said Remus. James looked up at me and started laughing so hard there were tears coming out of his eyes. Not only that, but he was making half the hall look at him... for laughing like a girl.

"Huh?" I was kind of lost in what was the point of the conversation.

"Sirius, I'm going to be totally honest on how your hair looks today," said James. I swear I almost crawled under the table. James, honest? "Your hair looks like your mother's on a good hair day." Yes, he was being honest. I ran a hand through my hair about fifty times before I was satisfied. "Now?"

The three of them nodded and I sighed. That's before I noticed... "What's wrong now?"

Three pairs of eyes looked at me as though nothing was wrong, then went back to their breakfasts. I put my head on the table and was about to doze off when...

"Sirius Black!" McGonagall, what a sweet teacher... "What are you doing in your pajamas?"

Huh? I looked down and noticed Hufflepuff colored pajamas and me.

"Oh, I'm so sorry, Professor McGonagall," I said sweetly. "I was so tired this morning I forgot to change clothes after taking a shower... don't worry nothing of this sort will happen again... to me."

The sound of scared teenagers dropping whatever they were holding is a lovely song to my ears. Yes, I loved revenge. Who doesn't?

Professor McGonagall looked one last time at me before going back to the head table. "I love my girlfriend," I said casually turning back to my breakfast.

"Why?" asked Peter.

"Oh nothing," I said shrugging. "She just taught me the wonders of being a girl."

"You lost me," said James and Remus at the same time.

"Oh, it's just amazing what make up can do," I replied standing up. "Especially when you want to take revenge against your best friends who apparently were trying to reconnect with their inner children."

I left.

You know we weren't really always that immature... we were worse.

A/N: Thank to the two people who reviewed. It's okay 'cause ya'll reviewed to my author's notes so...

Anyway, next chapter is called Fairy Godfather. The Hogwarts days are over and from chapter eleven on the chapter format will be a little different. Go to my livejournal (link will be posted on my profile later today 'cause my dad is bugging me to get off the internet)

Review if you liked 'cause I know the title was very literal.