12 Memories

Chapter 8 - What If

Author's Note - I'm really glad you all enjoy this! Things may start to go a little downhill for Lucas and Peyton, but keep reading and going with it. We'll get there eventually. This also might be a little shorter but I'm trying to get the updates up a little faster so just stick with me here. Enjoy :-)

– 'What's so wrong? Why the face so long? Is it over? And where you going that you no longer belong here?' –

"I can't unload my problems on you," Haley mumbled from where she was tucked in Peyton's welcoming arms.

"I'd rather think about your problems than mine," she replied dryly, receiving a small giggle from the brunette.

"I know...look, I don't wanna pressure you, Peyton, but you should talk to Lucas..." she trailed off, straightening herself up and wiping the grass away from her pants.

"I know. I really don't wanna wreck everything we have going though. He's my best friend, Haley, I can't lose him. What if we break up? Then it's over and there's nothing I can do," she sighed. "Plus, I don't like him like that, I'm just not over Jake yet," she pushed convincingly, still in the process of convincing herself.

"That's no excuse. What if you don't even try, then you'll never know what could've been. You can't go through life with that 'what if' hanging in the air. You'll regret that for the rest of your life," Haley pulled her own first hand experiences into the matter - remembering what Nathan had said about not trying only days before.

"I know, I know...but Jake called..."

– 'And distance tells you that, distance must come between love, where have you been luv? When the mistake we made, was in never having planned to fall in love, luv' –

Walking down the empty streets seemed to be a burden to the skinny blonde, she didn't even have to think about where she was going at 4 AM. Her feet could automatically take her there, even if she was blind she couldn't see getting to the River Court as a problem.

Haley had gone home less than ten minutes ago, and she only left under much protest. The last thing Peyton wanted to do was go to Lucas, but she also couldn't spend any more time avoiding him. She could pretty much guarantee that Lucas was not at home sleeping like the rest of Tree Hill, and when she approached her destination the sound of a basketball hitting the asphalt confirmed her thoughts.

He saw her walking from where he stood, he should've known she would come back and now he didn't know what to say to her. For the first time in his life he didn't know what to say to his best friend, and he wasn't sure if he wanted to say anything to her. He wasn't even sure if he wanted to see her.

He continued to put the orange ball through the net that hung above him as she came closer. It was painfully obvious that he was mad, that he was in no mood to talk, but she persisted.

"Lucas," she insisted, he still made no move to look at her. "Please, answer me?"

He turned his head slightly to make eye contact with her, unsure of what to do he chucked the basketball away from them and took a seat in the middle of the court. It was a place they had unofficially claimed theirs, it was where they always ended up. Some of her most cherished memories with him were spent in the middle of the River Court.

"What do you want Peyton? Did you come here to run again?"he snapped bitterly.

"If you're gonna be a dick about it, Lucas, I'll leave. If that's what you want, I'll go," she turned on her heel to walk away, hoping he'd find a way to call her back. She got a good distance from him before she heard anything.

He sighed, realizing either they talk right then or he let her go. And the last thing he wanted was to let her go. So, he sucked up his pride and took off at a run.

"Peyton, just wait a minute," he called out after her, she stopped to turn to look at him. A small smile tried to peek out, knowing he came after her but she thought better of it.

"Can we talk?" she asked quietly, noticing the pain evident in his eyes with her absence.

– 'Singing this song, singing along, makes it easier for me to see you go, but in doing so I'm letting you go. It only serves to show me, that I'm still in love with you' –

Haley made her way home, through the dark streets of Tree Hill, fully aware of every small noise that made itself present in her ears. She had never been fond of the dark, especially at 4 AM. But she had no way home, having run after Peyton had left her without a car and very scared of every rustle in the leaves. But what could she say? - she'd watched one too many horror movies as a kid.

It was when she heard a car pull up behind her that her heart nearly jumped into her throat and she took off running. Her legs wouldn't move fast enough to get her ahead of the car, and it was only when she heard her own name did she slow down enough to look at the driver.

"Haley?" a dark haired boy questioned from his spot in the driver seat.

"Nathan?" she squinted through his headlights enough to see his lopsided smile. She had to admit, he was cute no matter how mad she was at him.

"What're you doing out here at 4 in the morning?"

"Shouldn't I ask you the same thing?" she retorted, he smirked at her constant need to be the one to show him up. She had always been like that though, probably part of what attracted him to her in the first place.

"C'mon lemme give you a ride, you looked a little freaked out anyway."

"I don't need a ride from you," she snapped, he winced under her tone.

"We can talk on the way? Or we can stop and get a hot chocolate or something?" he offered her everything he had, doing anything in his power to get her into his SUV. The last thing he wanted was a small girl like her wandering the streets at night. Not to say that Tree Hill wasn't a safe place, it was one of the lowest in crime, but still, for her safety and his need to talk to her, he wanted her in the car.

It was much debate in her mind, everything in her was saying not to go, that he had done enough damage already. And only the one thing she had never listened to before - her heart - was telling her to go, that it might be worth it. So she took the advice of an old 80s song and opened the door of his SUV. She listened to her heart, praying that this one time it would be worth it.

"Hot chocolate?" she questioned tersely. He nodded and stepped on the gas, flipping the radio station over to his cd player, a rock song played through his speakers. Enation's, Eyes of Grace floated through the stale air in the car, she knew the song but never expected him to ever in a million years listen to that music.

"You like the song?" he asked, observing her movements.

She nodded, "I didn't think you would though," she admitted to the boy.

"Oh, the rap masquerade? Yea, I'm not really partial to either, but I can't really play this stuff at a party so I keep this to myself," he smiled as she turned to look out the window, her lips silently moving with the words.

"Watch the rain drops cry, I've got nothing left but you tonight, I'll give you everything I am, just give me every part of you..."

She watched the lights in a blur from her spot in the car, the music surrounding her. She could very easily connect the song to him, and it was when he started singing along, horribly, that she found everything about him undeniably endearing...and maybe a little sexy now that she put it into careful consideration.

"I know what I used to be, I know what I used to think, I know what I could be, without your love in me. I know the things I used to say, I know the things I used to do, I know what I would be without your love in me. See me through the eyes of grace, see me through the cross of love, see me not for what I was before your love in me. I could set your soul on fire, I could give you sweet desire, I could make your spirit sing with my, my love in you. I could set your soul aflame, make you tremble at my name, I can make you who you are, with my, my love in you..."

It was somewhere around that time that she knew she had fallen in love with the boy next to her, even after all of her protests, all of the denials - she had fallen hard. And she wasn't sure if he was in that place, she wasn't sure if he was on the same page but she couldn't stop the aching feeling she got when she wasn't around him. There was nothing she could to stop thinking about him at night right before her eyes closed. And she desperately wanted him to be there, she desperately wanted him.

– 'So what's wrong? Why the face? So long, are you changing, and where you been to that you no longer remember?' –

"Peyton..."

"Lucas..."

Simultaneously they both cracked smiles, sitting themselves back in the middle of the court, Peyton adjusted her jacket, he seemed to be lost deep in thought as she hit his shoulder a few times.

"Whatcha thinkin about?" she teased him, he smiled before his eyes darkened and she knew he was serious. And she cursed him for always being the type of guy who could never let anything go.

"That we need to talk," he responded, she cringed knowing full well that she couldn't escape him this time.

"I know."

"Should I start since your obviously not a conversation starter tonight?" she nodded, reluctantly and he took a deep breath. "Okay...what do you want this to be, Peyton?"

And she sighed with his tone, it was a tone she only got from him when he wanted answers - answers she wasn't ready to give him.

"I don't know..."

"But we're sitting on the beach and you're talking about our connection and about if we're more than best friends and you tell me you liked me only hours before...and now you're running from me like I'm the black plague? Am I missing something?"

"You're not missing anything...I just don't think I'm ready for an us. I don't want it to change our friendship, I can't lose you, Lucas. You're the most important person in my life and if I lost you...I don't know if I'd be able to live. I know we have a connection, I can feel that, but you said it yourself. We're not ready for something like this. And plus, how do I know my hormones just aren't all over the place...I mean I did just break up with Jake," she pointed out and he nodded, somehow finding himself denying everything she said. She wasn't right, he was right and the urges to touch her were putting him into overdrive.

"Because you do like me, you do want me -"

"Little high on yourself," she cracked, trying to lighten the mood, break the tension around them.

"Just...just let me finish. This isn't about Jake or your feelings for him, or anything that went on. This is about you and me, Peyt. And every day it's getting harder for me to look at you and know that I want you, more than ever. That day on the beach got me thinking, and as much as I want you as my best friend, I need you as more. I need all of you, every day. I know you felt it, on the car. Look me in the eye and tell me you didn't feel what I felt," he challenged everything she had just told him, every excuse she pushed forward was pushed back. And she felt open and vulnerable.

"I...didn't," she lied, it took everything she had to say those words, to tell him she didn't feel all of the emotions that had come with their closeness.

"You're lying. Whether you take this chance or not, our friendship is changed, Peyt. We can't go back to the way we were, not knowing what's still there. We have to take this chance, I can't, I won't live with all the what ifs, I have to know for sure."

"I didn't feel it, Lucas. There's nothing there, but us being best friends. It's four thirty in the morning, you're not even thinking straight, I'm just gonna go and we'll talk later," she stood to leave again, her cold breath permeating the chilly night air. She took only a few steps before she heard her name again. She kept walking until she reached his car, only stopping when the truck was directly in front of her. 'Stupid, you trapped yourself. Idiot!' she scolded.

"Peyt," she turned to see him coming closer, her breath catching in her throat.

"Okay, maybe you didn't feel it at the car, maybe you're not lying...but I think we both know you are. And if you didn't feel it at the car, can I ask you one question?" he took another step forward.

"What?" she breathed, his closeness over taking her logic, her brain was going cloudy.

"Can you feel it here?" he stepped in again, blocking her against the car.

"Luke...don't," she tried.

"I have to, I have no other choice," he leaned in, her eyes closing in instinct, he came closer, she could feel his breath within millimeters and her cell phone went off. Jake's name now flashing instead of Haley's.

"Shit," she cursed under her breath, both of them shaken from their bubble.

"Hello?"

"Peyton, I thought you'd be up. I was just wondering if maybe we could go get some coffee around six?"

"In two hours!"

"Well, you're not planning on going to sleep now, are you?" he chuckled.

"No, I guess not. I'll see you then, bye Jake."

"Bye, Peyton, see ya soon."

– 'And distance tells you that, distance must come between love, where have you been luv?' –

"Sooooooo," Nathan drew his words out, his hot chocolate keeping his right hand warm while the left suffered in his pocket.

"So?"

"How are...things?" he shook his head. The conversation wasn't going the way he'd planned.

"Things?"

"I dunno...life, school, tv?" again he scolded himself for being so bad with words when he was around her. But she laughed at the awkward conversation.

"Not bad, really good, and I don't watch much of it?" she named off his questions and he chuckled at her answer, he should've expected that answer from her.

"I really didn't want it to go this way, I had a plan ya know," she nodded, taking a quick sip of the hot liquid in her cup.

"So, what was the plan?" they had fallen into easy banter, which she was afraid of, it very easily crossed into flirting which was the last thing she wanted.

"My plan...well my plan was to seduce you into sleeping with me, of course," he stated matter-of-factly and she began to laugh hysterically. He raised an eyebrow, sending a look her way. "Am I not good enough for Haley James?"

"Nope...only Prince William is good enough for me, plus he's way cuter, like duh..." she gave him a blank stare before cracking a smile and winking, walking away from where he stood. He ran to catch up, falling back into step with her.

"So, you don't think I'm cute?"

"Did I say that?" their flirting amused her, it came so easily with him.

"But you didn't say I was either...I think you are," the flirting had died down and it was becoming serious.

"Nathan-"

"No, I'm serious. And I'm rethinking what you said...back at Brooke's house."

"What did I say?" she had tried to forget, tried so hard to push all of it out of her mind.

"You looked at me and asked if I wanted to try...and I do. I wanna be with you, I don't want to regret it ten years from now, can you give me another chance?" he pleaded with his eyes.

"I don't know," she answered honestly, walking away from him in the direction of her house. He watched, hurt, he hadn't really been rejected much, and the one girl he wanted had just walked away when he swallowed his pride and took a risk. So much for everyone pushing him to take that chance, everyone had been so sure she would let him in, but he hadn't been. And now for once in his life - he didn't want to be right.

– 'It's just the chance we took, having never planned to fall in love, luv. Having never planned to fall in love, luv. Having never planned to fall in love, luv' –

"I have to go, Luke. That was Jake, I'm gonna meet him for coffee in two hours. I'm sorry," the hope that his eyes held only minutes before was now dashed and all that was there was devastation.

"Are you really going to do it?"

"Do what?" she was bewildered, his question wasn't clicking in her mind.

"Let him back in? Trust him again? Are you going to let him back in before I ever get the chance? How is that fair?" he was angry with her, she was willing to let the one guy who broke her heart into a million pieces back into her life. Yet, he, the one guy who never hurt her was the one she wasn't even willing to take a chance on.

"I don't know. I don't have to explain myself to you, Lucas. I don't have to justify my decisions or ask your permission to do what I want. And if you think I do, you're dead wrong. I suggest you back off," she was clearly angry, stomping away, and lying to herself, trying to tell herself that her decision was wrong, but she was too proud to let him know.

"Damn it, Peyton!" he stalked after her.

"What do you want!" she glared at his equally angry face.

When he didn't respond she turned to walk, instead he took her wrist in his hand, spinning her face back to him and crushing her lips against his. It took her a few seconds to realize what was happening, her mouth easily parting for his entrance, her lips moving in rhythm with his. And when her brain finally decided to take a dive and step back in, she pulled back hesitantly.

"We can't do this..."

"Yes we can," he persisted, the feeling left in his mouth was unlike anything else. It was like time stopped for a brief moment.

"I can't do this, Luke. I won't wreck our friendship -"

"It's never going to be the same."

And that's when she felt the tears coming, knowing her whole world just got flipped again, and she hated change, despised it.

"I don't want it to change," she begged, and his eyes softened at her words. He wiped her tears away with the pads of his thumbs gently, he hated seeing her like that.

"It's the only thing we're guaranteed in life, Peyt - change. And I'm sorry it had to be like this, I'm so sorry. But I had to know, I couldn't let you leave without knowing. Let me in, let me have that piece of you, please," she turned her head away from him, furiously wiping at her tears.

"I want to, I do. But I've never given...that piece of me to anyone. I've never let anyone in so completely...not even you. You have so much of me, I don't know if I could give you all of it, everything you want. I won't let myself feel that open, I'll only get hurt in the end."

"You won't. I'll always be here, I'm not going anywhere."

"You can't promise me that. You've tried. My mom tried. Don't promise me that!" her tears fell but neither did anything to stop them. She turned again and took off at a run, down into the dark streets, away from him and he watched her figure retreat, paralleling his younger brother's defeated form.

Geez, that took forever. But I love this chapter, I think it worked out the way I wanted. I know there was a lot of teasing and I'm sorry, but Peyton has some emotional issues to deal with first and Haley has some trust issues before either of them can let the guys in.

I KNOW YOU GUYS ARE READING, I SEE THE HIT COUNTERS FOR THIS STORY AND THEY'RE AWESOME. SO EVERYONE WHO IS BEING LAZY, AT LEAST GIVE ME A REVIEW FOR THIS ONE, ITS WHAT EVERYONE HAS BEEN BEGGING FOR. JUST LET ME KNOW YOU'RE READING THIS ONE TIME AND I'LL BE HAPPY FOR ANOTHER FEW CHAPTERS:)