A few disclaimers, provisos, a few quid pro quo: Teen Titans is property of Warner Bros., Cartoon Network, and DC Comics. The music is not mine.
This fanfiction is ALTERNATE UNIVERSE. It's what COULD have happened between 'Trust' and 'Snowblind'.
References-based on several personal experiences in out-of-state gas stations; In Justice League's 'Starcrossed', it was revealed on a billboard sign that Metropolis was twenty miles away from Gotham City; a slight homage to the comics: Robin was quite immature in the Teen Titans graphic novels and his eventual maturity was due to his relationship with Starfire, his first sexual and serious relationship; slight references to the fifth season being the last season of Teen Titans; Cracker Barrel and Taco Bell are popular road trip restaurants; the Spanish mechanic is a homage to the Spanish mechanic in Steven Seagel's It's A Bird, a DC Comics/Vertigo graphic novel about Superman; only the character's mannerisms are used, not dialogue or any other blatant rip-offs; 'Lola' is the name of a global tracking system in a relative's car that scares the hell out of me; etcetera.
I want you
I want you so bad
I want you,
I want you so bad
It's driving me mad, it's driving me mad.
I want you
I want you so bad babe
I want you,
I want you so bad
It's driving me mad, it's driving me mad.
Yeah.
I want you
I want you so bad babe
I want you,
I want you so bad
It's driving me mad, it's driving me mad.
I want you
I want you so bad
I want you,
I want you so bad
It's driving me mad, it's driving me mad.
Yeah.
She's so heavy heavy.
You let me violate you
You let me desecrate you
You let me penetrate you
You let me complicate you
Help me...I broke apart my insides
Help me...I got no soul to sell
Help me..the only thing that works for me
Help me get away from myself
I wanna fuck you like an animal
I wanna feel you from the inside
I wanna fuck you like an animal
My whole existence is flawed
You get me closer to God
You can have my isolation...
You can have the hate that it brings
You can have my absence of faith...
You can have my everything
Help me...tear down my reason
Help me...it's your sex I can smell
Help me...you make me perfect
Help me think I'm somebody else
I wanna fuck you like an animal
I wanna feel you from the inside
I wanna fuck you like an animal
My whole existence is flawed
You get me closer to God
Through every forest
Above the trees
Within my stomach
Scraped off my knees
I drink the honey...inside your hive
You are the reason...I stay alive...
It's bugging me, grating me
and twisting me around
yeah I'm endlessly caving in
and turning inside out
'cause I want it now
I want it now
give me your heart and your soul
and I'm breaking out
I'm breaking out
last chance to lose control
It's holding me, morphing me
and forcing me to strive
to be endlessly cold within
and dreaming I'm alive
'cause I want it now
I want it now
give me your heart and your soul
I'm not breaking down
I'm breaking out
last chance to lose control
And I want you now
I want you now
I'll feel my heart implode
I'm breaking out
escaping now
feeling my faith erode
The Myth of You and Me
A fury of dark clouds rolls over Gotham City.
Robin stares through the glass panels of the gas station. He is thinking. Not of the price of the fuel for the car, however freaking expensive it may be. Not of his two teammates-a telekinetic of sorts and a changeling-waiting and doing research by the T-ship, on the side of the highway somewhere outside of this dismal conurbation and the twenty miles to Metropolis. Not of the mass of flesh and metal throwing a hissy fit over the particles of food that have worked their way into his car's upholstery. Not of the mission that has dragged them across the country and, in the past, across the globe. Instead, he thinks of the girl next to him, who is examining the contents on a package of 'all natural' frozen dinner. How did this happen? The question echoes around his mind.
They have stopped here to settle a few affairs before checking on the Titans East. This new threat is dangerous…possibly the most dangerous that the team has encountered. Yet, in Robin's mind, they seem miniscule compared to the baddies that have tried to get rid of them previously. How can this Brotherhood of Evil be worse than the H.I.V.E? Or Slade? Or Trigon? Hell, a year or so ago, they stopped the world from ending.
It is worse. Somehow it is. And it scares him.
But, for now, Starfire holds his attention. Out of the corner of his eye, he sees her frown, unsatisfied with the ingredients, and place the bag back on the shelf. Oh, how she misses the kitchen back home! She misses her pet, she misses her bed, and she misses Robin.
How can she miss a boy that is standing right next to her? She considers herself silly for this thought. But it is true. Robin is different. He is older…more serious…he does not play games anymore or lean against the kitchen counter, the blasting stereo threatening to deafen him for eternity. He is no longer one of them, but finally fully rising to the occasion as leader. The new expression on his face is no longer filled with elation and excitement of a battle won but grim, cold, severe determination. And it scares her.
He is now interested in more serious things.
It is the end of the Titan's golden age, the end of innocence, perhaps even, literally, the end. The stress, the violence…it is different…so much different from all the other times they have faced criminals…and it is enough to finish them. This time Robin feels the full burden of his responsibilities. He is watching over four other teenagers-his friends, his family-under the same roof as he. He is watching over more teenagers other than his core group of Titans that are more powerful than himself. He is watching over an entire city. He is one of the handful of heroes watching over the world-he helps control the fate of billions of people. The chip on his shoulder has transcended from a small piece of granite rubble to one hundred tons of gold. And he must balance the weight as evenly as one in his position can.
Robin returns to his original contemplation. He pictures himself doing what he did with her and can't believe that was him. Can't believe he is still doing it. He needed-needs-something to help him forget, just for a small while, about the strain, the ache. Starfire is helping him to forget.
He still looks out the window, still, occasionally, looking over at her. Currently, nimble fingers flip through CDs in a bin and slide over to the bookrack. She has given up on finding decent food and is indulging her mind instead of her stomach. None of them has had little more than a couple Cracker Barrel breakfasts in the last week. Suddenly, he completely turns his gaze toward her. She smells the rain coming. He can tell.
Robin's eyes rove over her face, alight with curiosity, her graceful neck, and finally let's his gaze linger below. He's glad he has learned control. At least…physical…control.
He doesn't realize that control is much different than what he thinks it is.
She feels his piercing stare but does not look up. Instead, she listens to Cyborg speaking, standing over and intimidating the hell out of the mechanic.
"What do you MEAN I need a NEW battery? My car is state-of-the-art, I built her myself!"
"Your battery is DEAD, ese."
"'Ese'? Don't 'ese' me, Jennifer Lopez-"
The mechanic-clearly a man-flares his nostrils in anger. "Listen, man, it's far gone. I know it looks brand new but how old is the car REALLY?"
Robin, still fixing his eyes on Starfire, shakes his head. Cyborg is the only person in the world that lies about his car's age.
"Just got her."
Cyborg hears Robin growl behind him.
"Alright, alright," The hybrid bows his head low and whispers, "she doesn't like me spreading this around but she's really about three years old. She's gettin' up there."
The man stares at him a moment, figures out he is quite serious, and then decides to humor him, "Uh, yeah, bro, mine's…the same way. Regardless, the battery's far gone. I'll put in a new one."
"Let me put it in. I can probably do it in half the time."
"Nah, I'll do it."
He raises an eyebrow. "You just want the labor cost."
"Yes."
"No."
"Hey, either I get parts an' labor or you don't get no part and you're stuck at station eating microwave White Castle. What do ya say, huh?"
"You are not, repeat, NOT touching my Lola-"
"Cyborg."
The sound of Robin's recently matured voice stops him completely. Silently, he picks up the activation disk to the car and hands it to the mechanic.
"This is one weird credit card, ese."
"That," he says, dryly, "is the key."
"Shit."
"Can…can I have a few moments left with my car?"
Actual tears begin to form in the corners of Cyborg's eyes and the mechanic, ready to cry himself from either being completely touched by this boy's love for his car or sheer frustration, nods.
"Don't worry, Rob. I won't be long."
"That's what you said the last time."
"I'll call Raven after and tell her we're stuck. Star, could you please buy some dinner?" And he saunters outside toward the garage.
Starfire nods and picks up the discarded bag of food from before. She wrinkles her nose and reaches for a different brand to compare. Robin sighs because it will take longer for her to make a decision about TV dinners than it takes to make Beast Boy follow directions. And because he thinks the two of them have better things to do, he silently takes the packages from her hands, dumps the cheaper one into her grocery basket on the floor, and shoves the other back into the freezer. Then, as sheets of rain begin to pour down from the heavens and cries of anguish from outside about water possibly damaging the car paint, he takes her hand.
It had begun somewhat like this. Almost exactly like this. He had come back from Morocco and, upon his reunion with the rest of the Titans, had grabbed her hand and, after an hour or so of not letting go, finally pulled Starfire into his arms. He hadn't hugged her in a long while; he had been constantly trying to smother his yearning to do so...and he had buried her in his arms with a fervor he never knew existed within himself.
He had felt this foreboding sense of danger and just wanted to protect her. That was his mistake, he realizes now. He hadn't protected her…just, well; he isn't sure how she feels about it. He isn't sure either. He doesn't even remember what drove him. All he recalls…is the smoothness of her and how she had proceeded to dig herself…deeper, into him.
Starfire had known. She had known right away what he needed, never mind the circumstances. His worry needed to be erased, his mind needed to be relieved. She wasn't sure of another way how…she was only sure that she felt safe with him, and she trusted him, and as long that was so, she could help him anyway he wanted.
And so, Robin had pushed Starfire against the ship, the cool metal against her back. He pressed his forehead to hers and her kiss was fleeting, like the flutter of a butterfly's wing. And, just as suddenly as the affair had started, the kisses became angry and achingly tragic.
The first time, like everyone's, was awkward.
They had slid to the ground, the dirt ground, trying to undress each other. His hand had run up her leg, under her clinging skirt, fingering the edge of her underwear, tugging at it impatiently. His hardness had pressed low into bone of her pelvis and then he dropped between her thighs, her unmentionables taken care of. At that moment, his thoughts wandering toward her state of mind, he thought he should be romantic. He tried to brush a strand of hair away from her face…and nudged her in the eye.
He barely managed an apology, but she nodded and he continued. He had watched her slight wince of pain as he pushed himself into her. A wave of guilt had run through him and he just buried his head into her shoulder, a habit he started that night and still does, when embarrassed or ashamed, like a child. She ran her silk fingertips along his bare skin, as light as the butterfly wing kisses, chilling him, and she urged him further. He took a deep breath, picked his head up, muttering another 'sorry', and thrust deep within her.
She realized he felt clumsy, unsure, but still wanting and hungry all the same. He breathing had grown heavy, and he thrust inside her, his skin, she noticed, was sweaty. She arched her back, almost…almost she felt it…he groaned, finding release...
They had lain that way for a short while. He only glanced at her; the aftermath was even more awkward than the act, if possible. Finally, she drew away, but took her hands and, running them across his jaw line gently, coerced him to look at her.
She no longer felt safe.
Robin had never felt such incapability before. He had taken pleasure out of their…encounter…the day before…but had she? Had he satisfied her? Was he…enough…for her?
What could he do? There had to be a better way to find out, he thought miserably, as he avoided speaking with her for the umpteenth time, than to just bluntly ask her.
He had blurted it out in at the Keystone City library while the rest of the Titans were searching the periodicals for old Doom Patrol articles. Starfire was looking through dusty old records in the basement and he had come upon her not quite by accident. She hadn't even acknowledged his presence as he had descended the dusty staircase. Robin had crossed his arms and glared at her quite sternly, for the frustration of not knowing had pissed him off.
"So...was it good for you?"
Her head perked up and she looked at him curiously. "I am sorry?"
He cleared his throat and readjusted his arms. "Was it good for you…'it'…was it?"
Starfire started laughing. Now he felt doubly humiliated.
"I'm sorry…" he hung his head, his face red from mortification. "I sucked that bad, huh?"
"O-oh, Robin! No!" She covered her mouth in attempt to stop her chortling. "Nononono no! The question was just so…misplaced."
Robin's face turned a deeper shade of red.
"Robin, no, you were…you were fine."
"Fine is just the polite word for mediocre."
"No!" She lightly took his head in her hands. 'No', Robin couldn't help contemplating, was her favorite word today. "We are young! One can only hypothesize that it would be a little…inept at best-
"-Inept at best?-"
"Stop, I did not mean it that way…Robin…I had never…done…that. Before. At all. And neither have you…I hope…"
"So, you're saying that I sucked…but it wasn't my fault that I sucked because I'm inexperienced."
"That is a very harsh way of putting it…but you did not 'suck', as you put it, you just…it was quite...-"
"It lasted, like two minutes." He would have pulled away but Starfire's hands were holding his jawbone in place. Damn super alien strength.
"As we gain more experience, you will be able to…go longer…but I am sorry, it hurt and…"
"And I hurt you!"
"Great X'hal in space, Robin, we just need more practice!" And she had jerked his head toward her mouth and kissed him breathless.
Robin came up for air. "Point taken."
They had come upstairs 3 minutes later, brushing dust from their clothes, Robin apologizing profusely.
Her palms are abnormally cool. Robin can feel the chill through his gloves. Her fingers are elegant and long and so delicate Robin is afraid they will break if he touches them.
His palms are sweaty and warm. Starfire can feel the heat radiating through his gloves. His hands are squarely shaped but still nimble. They're strong and Starfire wonders if they will know weakness.
He squeezes her hand. It's a signal she knows well. Soon, it says. Soon.
She dreads it.
Robin wonders, just for a moment, if he loves her. He treats her as a possession. His only, not to be shared. His only, to be used and discarded when he feels the need. He is too young to understand how he's handling her; he hopes to never misuse her. He doesn't realize she would rather stand like this forever with him, hand in hand, as if he cares for her.
He resists the urge to throw his arms around her and bury his head into her shoulder. No. He doesn't love her, he decides.
Together they watch the rain.
Cyborg puts a hand to his flesh ear so he can hear over the rain and sounds of the mechanic hopefully not destroying his car. "Hello? S'me! I'm calling with an update!"
"Cy! Man, am I glad you're calling! I'm all alone here!"
"You're all alone?"
"Raven went to go get take-out from the Taco Bell up the highway. I likes me some Taco Bell."
"Yeah, that's great, Beast Boy-"
"-Yo quiero, Taco Bell."
"Alright, that's enough." After only a minute of conversation with his teammates, Cyborg envies Van Gogh. "Wait, did you say you were all alone?"
"Uh, yeah!"
"All alone in the T-ship?"
"Where else would I be?"
"All alone. In my T-ship. Without adult supervision. You."
"Well, yeah, that exactly what I-oh, I see your point. That's not good."
Even Beast Boy knows he needs a babysitter.
"I suppose you won't do anything bad as long as you're amused..." Cyborg has a brief moment of sheer panic. "Oh shit."
"Yeah. I'm bored."
"Well, I can't keep talkin' to you to make sure you don't break anything. I'm on a payphone."
"Why are you on a payphone?"
"My communicator's in the T-car."
"Well, go and get it!"
"I can't! It's in a garage! A mechanic's putting a new battery in!"
"What? Cy, you're the only one that touches Sheila-"
"-Lola."
"-Lola. How could you let some strange repair-dude put his mittens all over it?"
"It's a very long tale. A very long and sad tale, my boy, and I do not wish to burden your young impressionable mind with such a tragedy."
Cyborg can practically hear the grin coming through the speaker.
"Well, I hope you have a lotta' quarters 'cause I think this can be my bedtime story for tonight."
"Let's get out of here." Robin tugs on her, pulling her out of the aisle.
"Robin, where would we-" He pushes her into the restroom, placing his lips on hers.
She feels as if he is sucking the life out of her. She doesn't realize that, as he presses her against the tile wall, that's precisely what he is trying to do.
"Robin, not here." She winces as his lips move down her neck. She will have bruises tomorrow.
"Yes here." He sucks sadistically on her silky throat. He ignores her hiss of pleasure and pain. He tugs at her skin with his teeth. Starfire gasps. X'hal, her Robin, only sixteen, had a powerful craving. Who knew innocence could be so quickly lost?
She brings her hands up to push against his chest. "No…", she protests weakly.
Robin disregards the request. He is completely involved in unhooking her bra.
"No." It is stronger this time. Strong enough to make Robin stop his task. He looks at her, surprised.
Her lips are swollen; her eyes are an alluring mix of innocence and amorous ardor. Normally, it would turn him on completely, but-
"Christ, you're a kid."
The revelation spills out of his mouth.
They are too young. Much too young to be playing grown-up games.
"Oh Jesus, Starfire…" He pulls her into his embrace, crushing her against his chest. He looks around the dirty bathroom. "Why didn't you say anything? That you didn't even want to…"
She withdraws herself away from him and places her hands on his jaw, an affectionate gesture that, even after all these weeks of passion, still drives him crazy. "I only…I only wanted to make you happy. You finally seemed to need me...acknowledge that you wanted me."
Robin rests his chin on her head.
Sharing the bond that they have as such a young age is damaging. Romance, falling in love...at their age, it doesn't exist.
No, he doesn't love her.
Love is too weak a word.
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Love,
Her Royal Hipness