Wash Away The Pain

Jordan felt her stomach turn at Lily's words. The worst possible scenarios leapt into her mind, making her heart race in fear. She sat bolt upright and pulled the sheets around her tightly.

"Is he okay?" she said, panic evident in her voice. Danny heard the tone and slid over so that he was framing her body, resting his hands on her arms and providing much needed support.

"He's fine; I mean, he got pretty banged up in the wreck, but he's not…he's not in any serious danger," Lily stammered, her voice catching.

Jordan let out a relieved breath and leaned back against Danny, running a hand across her forehead. She was incredibly thankful that he was there.

"Is he in the hospital?" she asked, already planning to drive to where ever it was Garret was at the moment.

"Yeah, he is. I just got here," Lily said. She hesitated for a second. "Jordan, there's something you need to know before you come."

"What?" she asked, truly worried about what Lily knew. Lily was silent again, obviously afraid of what she was forced to tell Jordan.

"The accident…it was his fault," she said sadly. When Jordan didn't say anything, she went on. "He was…over his legal limit. By quite a bit."

In those ten seconds, Jordan felt her heart shatter. She swallowed hard and worked against the angry tears that stung her eyes. If Danny hadn't been there, she didn't know what she would have done. Possibly fallen to pieces right there on her bedroom floor and been unable to pick herself up again.

"Jordan?" Lily said, concerned at the silence on the other end of the phone.

"I'll…I'll be there as soon as I can," Jordan said quietly.

Before she had a chance to move, Danny reached up and took the phone out of her hand and hung it up for her. He then wrapped his arms tightly around her and just held her. He had heard enough of Lily's end of the conversation through the phone. Garret meant the world to Jordan, and he didn't even need to guess at how she was feeling. Cradling her head in one hand, he kept her pressed close to him.

"I can't believe…" Jordan couldn't finish the sentence. "How could he?"

"He would never consciously hurt you, Jordan," Danny said softly in her ear. Jordan's mouth turned down as she tried to control her emotions, shaking her head against his chest.

"I feel like I don't know him anymore," she said over the lump in her throat. "When did he get this way? Was it because I left-?"

"Hey hey hey," Danny cut her off. "This is not your fault. You can't control what other people decide for themselves."

"I knew something was going on with him, we all knew it. I should have done something," Jordan sighed tiredly, guiltily. Danny was silent for a moment, just stroking her hair with his hand.

"When my dad died," he started quietly. "I kept looking for a reason to blame myself. I just about drove myself crazy trying to pinpoint the exact moment where I could have done something different...anything that would have changed things. It took me forever to realize that some things are just out of your hands."

Jordan closed her eyes and leaned into him. For the life of her, she couldn't understand why a man who was so sane and rational was with her. She ran her fingers gently along his arm which was encircling her waist.

"I know," she said. "I just…"

"I know," Danny whispered understandingly. She managed to smile a little.

"Why are you amazing to me?" she asked him.

"Because I love you," he said, kissing the side of her head. "Get dressed. I'll take you to the hospital."

Jordan knew she was angry at Garret for what he had done. She just didn't realize how much until she walked into the ER and was led to the curtained off gurney where Garret was lying with his leg in a cast, his left wrist wrapped in a bandage, and several cuts on his face and arms. Lily was sitting in a chair beside the bed, but she quickly excused herself when Jordan approached. From the look on his face when she walked towards him, Jordan had a feeling he knew she was angry. Her eyes narrowed critically and she shook her head in disbelief.

"How 'bout you spare me the condescending lecture and just pour salt on my cuts instead," he muttered before she could say a word.

"Garret, what the hell were you thinking?" she demanded, ignoring his words.

"I was thinking that I was tired of trying to be a saint for every damn person in the world," he snapped. Jordan swallowed hard, her temper rising and her emotions coursing through her.

"And tearing around Boston in your car piss drunk is the answer?" she nearly yelled at him.

"You know, you're not really the one to be giving this speech," he said defensively.

"Yes, I do stupid things," Jordan replied curtly. "To save people's lives. Not because I get tired of acting like something I don't want to be. No one was asking you to be a saint."

"Could've fooled me."

"Don't you dare do that to me," she said evenly. "All I ever asked you for was the truth. Not perfection. Not a single person in that morgue expected you to be that way."

"Good, 'cause the truth is I never was," Garret said cynically. "But I guess you all already knew that."

Jordan rolled her eyes to the ceiling in frustration. She should have believed Lily sooner when the grief counselor told them she thought Garret was in trouble. She should have pushed harder for Lily to keep a closer eye on him while she was in Vegas. She should have…but she hadn't.

"So what now?" she asked him somewhat sarcastically. "You have a court date yet?"

Garret looked away from her, his face solid as stone. It made the comment stick in her throat as she realized that he did indeed need to appear in court. There was an awkward moment while she waited for him to tell her.

"They're suggesting that I agree to counseling and possibly a stint in 'rehab' to show the court that I'm willing to cooperate," he said disdainfully. "It will make the other driver less likely to sue."

Jordan's mouth dropped open.

"The other driver?" she asked incredulously. He didn't say anything, merely keeping his gaze averted from hers. Jordan let out a sharp breath, close to tears. "Garret…why?"

His face softened ever so slightly, giving her a glimpse of the pain he was feeling. Her question was loaded, full of emotion. It was a question he could not answer. Not in any way that she would understand. Jordan let her shoulders sag, and she sat gently on the edge of the bed, placing a hand as softly as she could on his good arm.

"You're okay, though," she said, half questioningly. He finally looked at her and shrugged a little. Looking him in the eyes, she repeated the words he had said to her when she had been trapped in the mine. "I don't know what I would have done if anything had happened to you."

Breaking through the last bit of the egos they had thrown up, Garret reached out and pulled her into a hug. The tears that had been brimming in her eyes finally spilled over, and she reached up to wipe them away. She hated herself for not being there for him over the last few weeks. She knew Danny was right, that she couldn't control other people's actions. But it did nothing to ease her guilt about the situation.

"I need you to do something for me," Garret said, a pleading tone in his voice that sounded completely unnatural to Jordan. "I need you to take over as Chief ME while I'm gone."

The words nearly made her sob. They sounded so permanent…as though they were foreshadowing the day when Garret would eventually leave the morgue for good.

"Anything you want," she promised him.

Sleep was practically a joke for Jordan when she and Danny returned home. As soon as he was deep in slumber, Jordan slipped out of bed and spent the rest of the night staring out of the window in her living room, watching the light change into dawn. Clouds had moved over the city during the night, and it felt like snow was inevitable that day. Quietly as she could, Jordan dressed and left to go to the morgue. She knew Danny would understand why she had gone there.

The morgue was close to deserted. Mechanically, she walked through the lobby and made her way to Garret's office. She opened the door and walked slowly over to his desk, stopping to stare at the bottom drawer. Her stomach tightened, and she felt fresh tears in her eyes. Kneeling down, she pulled the drawer open and lifted the half empty bottle out. She straightened and just looked at the amber liquid, her brow drawn in pain and concern. A wave of hatred washed over her, and Jordan heaved the bottle at the baseboard of the wall, a sound that was part scream and part sob escaping from her mouth. The glass shattered with a resounding crash, spilling the liquid over the floor. Jordan covered her face with her hands, sinking down into Garret's chair and letting the tears fall.