Ah, I see you've come back for another chapter of the long awaited parody. I really don't want to keep you from reading the next chapter, but there are some things I'd like to say before you continue.
Schizophrenic Squirrel, you ROCK! Thank you for your awesome review, and also thank you for writing that truly ingenious parody of yours. I'm glad I'm not the only one who found the Alex Rider series Parody worthy.
W'sDN, I thank you as well for the review, and I have done as you requested. Here is the second chapter to the Long awaited parody. I hope its just as review worthy as the first.
One further note: Everyone's a little out of character in this story, but that's what makes it funny!
One Furtherer note: I don't own a lot of Artemis Fowl and I certainly don't own Alex Rider.
One Furthererer note- (receives angry glares from the readers) um… hehe… enjoy the story…
The Next Day:
Alex's flight had not been a long one, but he still felt exhausted when he arrived in Dublin. According to his 'TOP SECRET' file his alias was to be John Doe (very clever in his opinion.) Not that it really mattered. He and Fowl had met so many times it just wasn't funny, and he doubted that his fake afro would distract the young genius from his true identity. He looked around, waiting to see Fowl's face. Blunt had said that Fowl would pick him up from the Airport, but perhaps the youth was too busy playing with his faerie friends.
"Stupid mission..." Muttered Alex. He'd been repeating this phrase ever since the day before, and would continue to repeat it until the mission was over. He stood on his tip toes, and saw, looming far above the heads of the other airport occupants, the man giant that accompanied Fowl everywhere. Well, there was nothing more to lose, so he pushed his way over to where he'd seen Butler.
"Who did you say they were sending, Butler?" asked Artemis. Alex could just hear what he was saying, but the genius had not spotted him yet.
"A Mr. John Doe," Butler said. Artemis frowned.
"Butler... you do know what 'john doe' means...don't you?"
"Of course I do, Artemis. But I looked this guy up. He's real alright. His description said he was in his early twenties, with an afro. Over six feet tall, so he shouldn't be that hard to spot."
"Yes, just as long as it isn't the Alex Rider fellow again. I'm not sure why MI6 sent him here so many times... it seems a bit retarded doesn't it?"
"This definitely is not Alex Rider," Said Butler. "Here's a picture." He handed Artemis a photo that Butler had printed earlier that day. Alex saw Artemis's jaw drop. "Butler, this is a picture of the USA's President Bush!"
"What? Let me see that!" Butler grabbed it. "So it is..." he smiled.
"Butler!" The youth remained calm, but his voice had an icy edge. "Why are we standing in an airport waiting for an MI6 agent whose name is John Doe and looks remarkably like George W Bush?"
"Let me see it!" Said Alex, suddenly standing by Butler's side. He grabbed the photo before Butler could say anything and groaned. "Damn it!" He said. "I wanted a picture of Sean Connery!"
"Not you again!" Artemis sighed. "Just when I thought we'd finally gotten rid of you!"
"Its not like I took the job willingly!" Alex snapped. "They black mailed me..."
"Again?" asked Artemis. "When will you start taking control of these matters Mr. Rider? If it had been me, I would have already emptied MI6's bank accounts and started black mailing them! Its not rocket science Alex, just extreme hacking."
"Easy for you to say," Muttered Alex. "Your IQ is, like, over a hundred or something!"
MI6 headquarters:
"We're recording all of this, right?" asked Blunt, his nose practically pressed against the screen.
"Of course we are," Mrs. Jones rolled her eyes. "You've asked me that fifteen times already!"
"Oh...I have?" asked Blunt. "Sorry, I forgot."
"You keep on saying that as well," sighed Mrs. Jones.
"We're recording all of this, right?"
"For the last time YES! You already asked that-"
"Sorry, I forgot..."
"You have the shortest memory span i've ever seen." Muttered Mrs. Jones.
"We're recording all of this-"
"I'm going to go buy some more peppermints." She then walked out of the room.
Ireland: Fowl Manor
"So, this is your house," Said Alex, trying desperately to start a conversation.
"I'd think that would be fairly obvious, especially to you since you've been here quite a few times. I honestly don't know what MI6 is thinking. You're a kid! I'd say I need more than a kid for this job..."
Alex didn't respond. Not because he was holding back a witty and nasty come back, or just trying to avoid an argument. As it was, he'd forgotten why they had sent him.
"Well?" asked Artemis, waiting for the boy to respond, as he usually did. "Do you know why they sent a kid?"
"Er..." Alex shuffled his feet impatiently. "could I just consult the file quick?"
Artemis frowned. "You forgot your mission again didn't you."
"Yeah," Alex quickly rummaged through his bag and moments later produced the TOP SECRET file.
"Its a bit obvious, isn't it?" Asked Artemis, raising an eyebrow. "You'd think MI6 would at least attempt to be a little more discreet. We are, after all, talking about the world's safety."
"WE are?" Alex looked shocked, and horrified.
"Yes..." Artemis was trying to figure out if Alex was being sarcastic. The boy certainly wasn't very reassuring as a spy.
"How come nobody EVER tells me these things?" Alex stomped his foot angrily, and threw the folder to the floor.
"I expect they think its fairly obvious since ALL of your missions result in you saving the world from certain destruction." Artemis wished he hadn't needed to tell Alex this, the kid's head was swelled enough as it was. Predictably, Alex's expression jumped from 'horrified' to 'swelling pride'.
"I saved the world?" he asked cautiously, in case he'd misheard.
"Alex," They'd reached the library so he and Alex took a seat. "I'm very curious to know if you actually stay awake during your little 'saving the world' trips. So far you've managed to forget EVERY important part about being a spy! It doesn't make me want to place much trust in you. But I guess, due to MI6's lousy reasoning, you are our only hope. Apparently you're the only one 'resourceful' enough to get past some rich Mary sue's security system, and foil her plans to take over the world,"
"I guess I am," Alex said pompously, checking his nails.
"PLease," Artemis rolled his eyes. "Butler could deactivate that system in a minute with just a tooth pick and some dental floss."
"Uh huh, sure..." Alex said, sounding unconvinced. "Don't worry, I won't go around advertising how pathetic you and your body gaurd are... " he said, trying to recline in the stiff backed chair.
"What are you doing?" Artemis looked skeptically at Alex,
"Reclining..." muttered Alex, "What does it look like?"
"You look like a rubber chicken mr. Rider. Now please sit normally, that chair most obviously does not recline, and I'd prefer it if you didn't break the antique furniture...'
"Hmph!" Alex slouched back down into his normal sitting position, and pouted.
"Now, where were we?" Artemis grabbed the file and opened it up.
"Hey!' Alex was about to grab it back when Butler stepped in front of him. The body gaurd gave him a very stern look, just daring him to try and get past. "Excuse me..." Alex tried flimsily.
"Mr. Rider, the only way you'll get past Butler is if you somehow manage to knock him unconcious which, trust me, does not happen often or easilly. If you so much as poke him, Butler will easilly break your spine in half with just hid bare hands and-"
Artemis stopped as he heard a thump, and looked up from the file to see that Butler had fallen to the ground, apparently unconcious. "what the-"
"I want a coke." Said Alex. "And no fake coke either. The real thing! The stuff you can snort! And I want that file too! Gimme!" Alex snatched the folder away from Artemis, but the young child mastermind didn't seem to notice.
"Butler?" Artemis asked blankly. He was staring wide eyed at where his old friend had fallen. "Mr. Rider," He said, trying to sound like he had everything under control. "Might I ask how you did that?"
"Did what?" asked Alex, distracted by the big red letters. Artemis sighed.
"Nevermind. Juliet!" He called over his shoulder.
"What is it?" asked Juliet, from somewhere down the hall.
"I think you should probably get into the library...fast." He heard her sigh heavily.
"Can't it wait two seconds Artemis?"
"No!" Artemis sounded exasperated. "Juliet, you're supposed to be protecting me!"
"Bring a coke!" shouted Alex.
"Can't Dom do it?" Whined the girl.
"I don't think so..." Said Artemis. "You're brother is unconscious. Mr.. Rider knocked him out."
"Haha!" Came Juliet's amused voice. "Good one Artemis. That Alex kid couldn't knock out a sleeping house fly!" She snorted with laughter. "What do you really want?"
"A COKE!" Shouted Alex. "REAL COKE! THE STUFF YOU CAN SNOR-"
"Mr. Rider! Would you kindly SHUT UP? Nobody is going to bring you cocaine. My family may be one of criminals, but I can assure you that we do not deal with drugs, at least, not directly."
Alex looked disappointed. "Then bring me a pepsi..."
"Very well. Juliet! Could you bring us two pepsis?"
Back at MI6:
"What did he just say?" Blunt looked worried. "Crawley, rewind the tape!"
"To where?" asked the man,
"Where he asked for the drink!"
The tape was rewound. It showed Alex, staring at his TOP SECRET folder and looking miffed. Less then a second later he said "...then bring me a pepsi." Blunt stopped the tape, and his mouth fell open.
"Did he just ask for...Pepsi?"
"That's what I heard..." Said Mrs. Jones. "Why, is something wrong?"
"Alex rider isn't supposed to say the P word..." Whispered Crawley (Blunt was too distressed to answer himself).
"Oh, for heaven's sake!" Huffed Mrs. Jones. "What is so wrong about Alex choosing Pepsi over Coke. Isn't that a personal decision? Its just a drink!"
"Mrs. Jones..." Blunt was holding his head in his hands as he leaned against his desk. "Pepsi does not sponsor Real Spy TV! Coke does, if we air this..."
"I'll just beep it out." said Crawley, shrugging. "Its no big deal!"
"Why, that will make Alex look bad!" Mrs. Jones said. "You can't just go around censoring things that don't need to be censored. Anyway, why does it matter? I thought you were going to stop the show! It really has gone too far-"
"We can censor it this time," said Blunt. "But what if he does it again? What if he keeps on asking for Pepsi and never mentions coke in the show again? Coke will stop sponsoring us...ratings will drop as the Coke fans stop watching... the show will be cancelled." Blunt looked close to tears.
"But the show is already going to be cancelled!" Mrs. Jones pointed out.
"Get Fowl on the phone!" demanded Blunt, ignoring Mrs. Jones and all the sense she was making. "We need to have a chat."
Fowl Manor: Library.
"Here's your stupid Pepsi..." Muttered Juliet darkly as she entered the room holding a tray with two glasses on it. She groaned as she saw that Artemis and Alex were not in the room anymore. "Why do I even bother?" she asked herself. She sat down in one of the leather upholstered armchairs and took one of the glasses.
"Juliet..."
Juliet jumped as she heard someone moaning by her feet.
"Dom?" she asked. "Wh-what happened?" She helped her brother to his feet.
"It was Rider..." He said, groaning and putting a hand to his head. "...Not sure what he did... some kind of karate... blacked out..."
Juliet snorted. "Dom! You silly goose! Quit messing with me. Rider has the lamest karate moves I've ever seen."
"It doesn't matter." sighed Butler, sitting in the chair. "Just as long as you keep Artemis away from him..." He stopped as he saw a look slowly cross his sister's face. "Juliet... tell me you got Artemis away from him..."
"Er... I thought he was joking..."
"WHAT?"
"Well...um... I can explain-" Juliet began, looking nervous. Her brother rarely panicked and this was beginning to freak her out. "Artemis wanted me to bring him and Alex some Pepsi and-"
MI6:
"Crawley! Rewind the tape!" Demanded Blunt.
"There's no need." sighed Mrs. Jones. "We all heard it. Juliet just said the P word."
"That's what I thought!" Blunt said, pounding his fist on the table. "If this keeps up we're going to have to start dubbing them! Where is Fowl! And why isn't he on the phone yet?"
"Mr. Blunt." Came Rosy's voice on the intercom. "Mr. Fowl would like to speak with you..."
"Finally..." Sighed Blunt with relief. "Very well Rosy, put him on the line."
"Uh...sir..." She sounded nervous. "Mr. Fowl would like to talk with you in person..."
"What do you mean in person?" asked blunt, raising an eyebrow. "I'm a busy man..." At this Mrs. Jones stifled a laugh. Blunt ignored her. "...I can't just fly out to Ireland!"
"Sir... Mr. Fowl would like to speak with you in your office... he's here with Mr. Rider... " There was a slight pause as she yelled at Alex for once again destroying one of the potted plants.
"But they'll grow up to be Coke trees!" came the muffled response.
"He's here?" asked Blunt, in a disbelieving voice. "But how did he-?"
"Shall I send him in Mr. Blunt?" Rosy asked, apparently uninterested with how they had arrived so quickly.
"Oh...yes, right away. But don't send Alex in... this doesn't involve him..." Said Blunt. Mrs.Jones coughed loudly. "...er, well it does, but in a very small way. Just keep an eye on Alex, would you?"
There was a heavy sigh. "Fine Mr. Blunt, but only under one condition. You double my pay!" She didn't let Blunt answer, instead she hung up and minutes later Artemis Fowl walked into the office. .. looking extremely annoyed.
"Have a seat Artemis." Mrs. Jones told him, pointing at an unoccupied chair. Artemis said nothing as he sat down, preferring to shoot a piercing vampire glare at Blunt.
"Okay Mr. Fowl, there is a reason I wanted to talk to you..." Began Blunt, looking nervously at Artemis.
"Naturally." Artemis nodded. "I'd imagine its about Alex's behavior so far. He's been acting far too immature for a fourteen year old, and he's quite rude as well. He knocked out my bodyguard, though I'm sure you saw that, and I have to admit that he's becoming quite a hassle. So I hope you have a solution, because if you don't then I'll have to take matters into my own hands. And trust me, you won't like it if that happens." Artemis had been leaning closer towards Blunt with every word spoken, apparently trying to seem imposing. It wasn't working. Blunt rolled his eyes.
"Yeah, its um... about your beverage choice. You see, Coke sponsors Real Spy Tv... so naturally we've got to advertise it a bit... but um... you see, you've been advertising Pepsi... and that's kind of a problem..." He tapped a pen obsessively against his desk. "So here's out solution. You dump out all your Pepsi, and replace it with Coke. We're also trying to hype up the new 'Lime Coke' so if you wouldn't mind picking up a few of those, that would be great." He smiled and reached out his hand for Artemis to shake, as if business had been concluded. Artemis ignored it.
"Mr. Blunt. You and your team are highly unprofessional. This is your final warning. If Alex doesn't calm down then I will be forced to reveal what you're really doing here. I'd also like to point out that, due to certain events regarding YOUR 'spy' injuring MY body guard, the amount of money you've offered me will not be nearly enough. If it wasn't for me taking the path of 'honest' dealing then I could already have ALL of the profits from this ridiculous show sitting in my bank account. As it is, I will spare you just as long as you give me what I want."
There was a silence in which Blunt tapped away furiously with his pen while Mrs. Jones sucked obsessively on her peppermint and Crawley pretended he wasn't there. Artemis waited patiently, knowing that it was only a matter of time before they caved in. To his surprise and annoyance, Blunt dared to snicker.
"What is so funny?" Asked Artemis.
"You're funny Fowl." He said, still laughing. "You honestly think you could do that?"
"Alan..." Warned Mrs. Jones, obviously somewhat smarter than Blunt.
"I know I could do it Mr. Blunt." replied the youth. "But if you'd like to see a demonstration then I'll kindly show you-"
"No no!" Broke in Mrs. Jones (does she have a first name?) , seeing that look come into Blunts eyes that showed he was about to do something really stupid. "We'll agree to whatever you offer, so long as its reasonable. Otherwise we'll simply get Alex out of your house... and send him to that Island..."
"Thank you Mrs. Jones." Said Artemis, appreciatively. "All I want is an extra twenty five thousand. Its not much really, just enough to ensure that I don't start losing money because of this show. Hopefully it will cover any damage that Alex causes."
"Yes, that's fine." Said Blunt impatiently. "But about the coke-"
"And I will NOT promote a ridiculous beverage if there is nothing for me to gain. I realize that it might hit you rather hard, but I don't see what it has to do with me. You might try subliminal advertising. I hear its quite effective." Artemis got up, and showed himself to the door. "Oh, and Mr. Blunt."
"Hmm?" Blunt said, frowning at his desk.
"Alex would also like to speak with you. He seems to think that he didn't give you a long enough lecture about him not wanting to be a spy, and how perfect for the job he is."
"Right." Blunt nodded. "You might want to have Rose make you some tea, Mr. Fowl. This could take a while."