Hey, Alex Rider fans! How are you hold'n up so far? (gets hit in the head with a flying shoe) ...Ouch... Well, here's the next chapter. I updated because, amazingly enough, I've gotten nothing but good reviews. (Very few reviews, I might add. But few and good are better than none at all.) prepare yourself for more pointless but incredibly entertaining, Alex bashing!
As Artemis left, a disheveled looking Rose came into the room dragging Alex by the ear. "...and don't you DARE try spitting anything at Mr. Blunt either! Just look at what you've done! The stain will NEVER come out of my blouse! And my hair! What on earth made you want to stick gum in-"
"Rose." Said Mr. Blunt, loudly. "That's enough. Just leave him here and I'll see to it that he is properly punished. I'd like you to make Mr. Fowl something to drink. I'm expecting Mr. Rider's visit to be on the long side."
"Alan..." Whined Alex. "...Make her let go! She's hurting me!"
"Rose." Alan gave her a look and the Secretary, reluctantly, let go of Alex's ear.
"Fine!" she muttered. "But if he tries anything else, then I'll personally see to it that he is KILLED! I have connections boy!" She hissed at Alex. "The British mafia are NOT people you want to mess with!"
"Yeah!" said Alex, getting cocky again. "Well I'm RIDER! ALEX RIDER! and, trust me lady, you do NOT wanna mess with me! Take that!" He carefully balanced himself, shakily, on one leg and struck out with the other, trying his best to do a karate kick. The rest of the room watched with blank expressions as Alex fell to the floor while knocking his head against Blunt's desk on the way down.
Blunt sighed and rested his head against his palm, as if he had a very bad migraine (which he probably did.) "Rose, you may leave." Rose turned quickly and walked purposefully out of the room. Alan turned to the spy kid who was still lying on the floor. "Well Alex," He said, "How long is this going to take?"
"Er..." Alex got to his feet, rubbing the back of his head. "An hour or two. I just need to make sure that you absolutely understand that no matter how physically perfect, intelligent-"
"Arguably..." Blunt broke in. Alex ignored him.
"- resourceful, smooth and suave I am, I still don't want to be a spy. Oh sure. I may have amazing reflexes, and soccer talents. And my IQ may be at a stunning 34, but I am still just a school boy Alan. And that's all I want to be. Ah, I remember back in the good ol' days before my uncle Igor passed away-"
"Ian." corrected Mrs. Jones.
"What?"
"Your uncle's name was 'Ian'." She repeated.
"Oh, yes yes." He said impatiently. "Back before dear uncle Ian passed away, me and him would go to the park and play catch. He would always throw the ball... and I would... would always..." He choked and tears filled his eyes.
"Alex, is that a true story?" asked Mr. Blunt.
"Well... no." Alex said, tears abruptly stopping. "But who cares? It still shows my grieving towards the loss of my aunt-"
"Uncle." Corrected Alan.
"Yeah, that's what I said! My uncle, who I loved dearly and who... um... well something happened to him that made me really pissed at you people!"
"If you're talking about your uncle losing his life for the greater cause of saving this country, then you might as well save your breath, Alex. We've been over this a hundred times AT LEAST and you still seem to get hung up about all this 'your whole family dieing for us' crap. There's nothing i can do, Alex." He put a hand on the boy's shoulder. "But trust me, if there were, I'd do it in a heartbeat."
"Well... there is something you can do..." Sniffled the boy.
"Uh..." Blunt hadn't been expecting this. "oh er... well. Okay." He and Mrs. Jones looked at each other, both wondering if the other had any idea what this could be, but they soon realized that neither of them knew and returned their gazes to Alex.
"I want you to promise me that you'll do this..." Alex paused and looked dramatically at Alan.
"I can't-" Began Blunt, but was stopped mid-sentence by Mrs. Jones.
"He promises, Alex." She winked at Alan. (Alex didn't notice.)
"I just want you to get me a coke." He shrugged. Alan's face turned red with frustration...
Outside of Alan Blunt's office, Artemis was staring at his feet.
"Here's your tea." Snapped Rose, slamming the cup down on the table so hard that the cup shattered. She pretended not to see as Artemis was suddenly drenched in hot water. Luckily the tea had not been made recently, and Artemis was not harmed.
"Excuse me!" He said, sounding rather shocked.
"What do you want now?" Demanded the secretary. "A foot rub? A cushy pillow? More tea?" She looked him up and down and the gasped. "You're all wet!" She said accusingly.
"Yes, well I was trying to tell you... you just shattered that extremely expensive looking tea cup and-"
"YOU BROKE THE TEA CUP?" She roared suddenly, "You're worse than the other one, aren't you?"
"No, you see-"
"So now you're gonna blame me, huh?" She took a step forward, looking extremely pissed. "We'll see about that! I hate you rich kids! You think you can get away with anything, don't you?"
"Well, as it happens, I CAN get away with anything." Replied Artemis, icily. " Even murder." He smiled his vampiric smile. It was immediately replaced with a look of pure horror as he realized the woman had reached for the tea pot, and Butler was not there to protect him.
"YOU WANT TEA! I'LL GIVE YOU TEA! YOU UNGRATEFUL, SELFISH, LITTLE BOY WITH AN EGO FIT FOR AN ELEPHANT!"
"I don't know what you mean-" Artemis said, reaching for a lamp on the table beside him. He then cursed himself. 'I don't know what you mean'? He was a genius! He knew everything! Except how to escape a crazed secretary, with certain connections to the British mafia. No, He'd definitely NOT planned for that.
"I SWEAR I'LL DO IT!" She yelled, holding the teapot threateningly above his head. "YOU'VE PUSHED FAR TOO MANY OF MY BUTTONS TODAY, AND I DON'T CARE HOW MANY TIMES I'M FIRED! IT'LL ALL BE WORTH IT-"
"-AND THEN YOU HAVE THE NERVE TO ASK FOR ANOTHER COKE!" Came Alan Blunt's voice as Alex was shoved out of the office. "I DON'T WANT TO EVER SEE YOU AGAIN ALEX! AS OF NOW, YOU'RE FIRED!"
"Alan..." Said Mrs. Jones.
"NO! I'VE HAD IT! NO MORE COKE, NO MORE MISSIONS AND NO MORE ALEX!" The door slammed, and Alex looked up at it with confusion.
"Does this mean I can't come back anymore?" He asked, stupidly.
"YES!" Came the muffled response of Alan Blunt.
"Oh... well can I come and water your plants some time?"
"What the- of course you can't!"
"What about-"
"NO!" Shouted both Alan Blunt and Rose at the same time. She dropped the teapot (which shattered) and returned to her desk happily. "I guess I won't be quitting after all." She said, giving Artemis a clearly fake smile. "Oh no, you poor dear. Did I spill some tea on you?"
"Uh..."
"Well, that's no reason to go breaking teapots, dear. But I guess boys will be boys." She laughed good naturedly.
"But I didn't-"
"No matter. I think you and Mr. Rider can leave now."
"But I haven't gotten a new mission!" Argued Alex.
"Good evening," Rose said cheerfully.
"Aren't you listening to me?" Alex yelled, "I still haven't gotten-"
"Yes it is a beautiful day," Rose chirped, "I'm glad that you'll get to go and enjoy it now, bye!" She waved.
"Come on," Sighed Artemis, grabbing Alex by his sleeve and using what little strength he had to try and pull the spy towards the door, "I believe that you, as your kind often say, blew it,"
"But I need a mission! What will I do with out a mission?" Alex sobbed.
"How about I give you a mission Mr. Rider," Artemis suggested, he then leaned over to Alex's ear and whispered out some instructions.
"Got it!" Alex said happily, "So once I find the British Mafia and tell them that I've lost the cash given to them by Artemis Fowl-then what?"
"You stand there, and no matter what happens don't run," Artemis chuckled.
Alex quickly ran to the elevator and pushed all the buttons. Artemis slapped a hand to his forehead, but waved Alex away anyhow. Once the elevator had closed, he turned to see Alan Blunt coming out of his office.
"Did it work?" he asked.
"Mr. Blunt, I am a genius. Of course it worked. He actually believes that the British mafia live in the building next door. Good thing its an insane asylum."
"Wow, that was good." Said Rose. "Why didn't I think to do that?"
"Well it wouldn't have worked anyhow." Artemis explained. "You see, he had to be fired first, otherwise he would've never taken orders from me. Plus, Holly added a little of the mesmer."
"Holly?" Asked Rose, looking skeptical.
"Yes, she's his little fairy friend." Blunt explained.
"Oh..." Rose replied, with dawning realization. "I see. Well that explains the teapot."
"What?" asked Artemis.
"Nothing." She smiled at him, this time a real smile. "Maybe you should join Alex." She suggested.
"I beg your pardon!"
"I know some people next door who have a nice padded room for rent, it comes with a straight jacket. Shall I give them a call?" She reached for the phone.
"No, you shall not give them a call!" Said Artemis, marching up to the desk and grabbing the phone away from her.
"Well there's no need to be frightened, lil' Artemis." She said in a cutsy voice. "They're nice people, in nice white coats-"
"I am not going to go to your 'friends' nice white room, and I most certainly am not insane. Holly, a little help?"
Alan Blunt, Mrs. Jones and Rose all waited patiently to see the fairy appear.
"Holly!" Repeated Artemis, with growing annoyance. Still, there were no fairies. "Oh, you're just enjoying yourself right now aren't you! Make the smart mud boy look like a crazy person? Is that it? I thought we were friends now, Holly!"
"Hmm..." said Rose, watching Artemis with growing concern. "I think I'll just see if they've filled that room yet..." She grabbed the phone back. Artemis didn't notice.
Meanwhile, Alex Rider was half way across the street, and very distracted as he had just caught sight of an errant paper bag, just drifting down the sidewalk. instantly his spy instincts kicked in. what was that paper bag doing out on it's own? at this time of day? in this kind of weather ?(it was sunny with only one or two clouds in the sky) but more importantly, where was it going? the British mafia would have to wait, he thought. Surely Artemis would understand the urgency of the situation.
"Wait!" he cried, flinging himself at the bag. A few passersby watched him struggle with the bag for a few minutes before the bag (and the boy) took off down the street.
"Kids these days..." muttered one.
Well, it wasn't very long but I hope you enjoyed. And do you know the best way to show that you enjoyed a chapter? Send a review, friendly or flame. I only update when I get reviews... well, thats not true. I just update whenever I fell like it... anyhow, the reviews help! And if you have any suggestions for upcoming chapters, because I have no idea where this story is going, then don't be afraid to speak up.