Hi AR fans. I'd like to start this chapter out witha big thanksto the brave reviewers who read the story. Thanks to your brilliant reviewing Alex Rider bashing can (and WILL) continue...
"Holly! I mean it!" Artemis shouted, he was in Alan Blunt's office, glaring at the ceiling. Alan had suggested that they discuss Artemis's pay but, in all honesty, he just felt bad for the teenage delinquent.
Blunt cleared his throat, "Arty? Uh- may I call you Arty?" No reply, "Uh...ok than. Well now, let me tell you something about when I was a boy...around your age. I was handsome, athletic, determined, smart and popular...ah yes, being a teenager is always difficult. Why I remember one time when I was asked to the prom by six different girls! Six different lovely girls, they were all cheerleaders and-" He stopped, the boy was still talking to thin air.
"Listen Holly, I don't give a damn about how much trouble you'll get into if you're seen... you'll be in a whole lot more trouble if you don't appear RIGHT THIS INSTANT!" Artemis held a fist into the air threateningly. Blunt watched for a moment and then decided to continue.
"Their names were Britney, Courtney, Inky, Pinky, Blinky and Sue. It was on that terrible and fateful day that I asked two of them to the prom by accident..."
Holly was sitting outside of the building that Artemis had disappeared into about an hour ago. What had happened? At first he had come up with a brilliant plan to rid MI6 of its pest problem and then, after carefully making sure that there were plans B, C, and D he forgot one thing. She needed permission to get into a mudman made building. She wondered how he was coping with the discovery of his failed planning. Poor kid, it could send him into shock.
She sat on a bench with her shield still on and waited. Suddenly a mud boy came bounding out of the building gleefully. He was in some strange out fit...a cross between a tuxedo and a deflated balloon...A Tuxedoloon! It definitely wasn't Artemis, for he neither bounded nor dressed in Tuxedoloons, so this had to be the spy. Holly watched in confusion as the boy got very near to walking into the insane Asylum and then, last moment, something different caught his fancy instead...it was a paper bag. She stared as Alex leapt into the air, pulled a few karate moves, and than started to chase the bag down the street.
Well, there wasn't really anything else to do... other than wait, so Holly decided to follow the boy. Hey, at least he was entertaining.
She hovered about six feet above the mud boy watching as he stalked the paper product and hid behind street lights or trash cans when he thought that it had turned around.
He was just about to pounce on it when a shadow crept into view. He looked up and gasped.
"Sabina! Sabina Pleasure!"
"Alex?" The girl was staring at him... obviously somewhat horrified. "Uh... what are you doing?"
Alex winked at her. "Just rescuing you from this dangerous beast."
"A paper bag?" She continued to stare.
"Yes, but enough about me and my terribly adventurous life. How have you been?"
"I've been great..." She said, as Alex released the paper bag and stood up, shouting to the bag that it had better run. "...up until now, that is..." She muttered.
"Would you like to help me chase down more criminals?"
"Er... well I think I might be busy right now..."
"Nonsense! No ones ever too busy to promote justice!" Alex exclaimed, striking a heroic pose. "Now, AFTER THAT BAG!" Alex took off running. Sabina stood there for a moment, scratched her head, and then turned around and walked quickly in the other direction... away from the bag chase, and more importantly... away from Alex.
"Stop...running!" Panted Alex, as he rounded another corner, still following the escaped bag... and completely ignoring the fact that just two minutes ago, he had told it to run. "Ha!" He said triumphantly, as he fell to his knees gasping for breath. "A...dead...end! You shall terrorize the world no longer!" Alex held up a squirt gun and aimed it at the paper bag. Before the bag could protest (?) Alex fired. The bag dodged it. "Grr! No one dodges Alex Rider!" Alex fired again. The bag dodged again... that, or the wind caught it and blew it away. Or maybe Alex has really bad aim.
Anyhow, after half an hour of more wrestling with the bag, he finally pinned it to the ground, the water gun directed at where Alex thought the bag's head might be.
" I know what you're thinking." He told the Bag. "'Did he fire six shots, or only five?' Well, to tell you the truth in all this excitement, I've kinda lost track myself." Alex never had been good when it came to math... seeing as how he had fired about two dozen shots, and the water gun was empty. "But, being this is a .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the world, and would blow your head clean off, you've got to ask yourself one question: 'Do I feel lucky?' Well, do ya punk?"
The bag had the nerve to nod.
"What!" Demanded Alex, outraged. "No! That's not- you aren't- It's just wrong! Okay!"
The bag stuck its tongue out.
"Stop that! You're supposed to be cowering in fear!" The bag shook its head. "What do you mean 'you don't care?' I'm fucking Alex Rider! You can't dismiss my threats like that! What? I'm the coward? But I'm the one with the gun aimed at your head! What do you mean 'I don't have the guts to fire'? I can fire any time I want to! I just...well... I just..." suddenly Alex broke down crying. "You're right! I can't do it!" He said, clutching the bag. "Not after everything we've been through! Oh bag, can you ever forgive me?"
Holly was still watching the boy. True, she was supposed to be watching out for Artemis... but well... Artemis wasn't this entertaining...
"...Bag... can I ask you a question?" Asked Alex, wiping away his tears. "Do you... do you want to get a coke or something?"
The bag nodded.
"Oh! Great!' Alex said Cheerfully. "I know just the place to get it too!"
----
"... The night went better than expected though, considering that I had to dodge eight different gorgeous girls that all seemed to think I'd asked them to the prom." Blunt was still talking. "It wasn't until someone spiked the punch, and I accidentally called one of the girls by the wrong name that things got really out of hand-"
"Mr. Blunt." Said Artemis, who was sitting cross legged on the floor, trying to meditate. "I don't care about your prom! If you don't mind, I'd really like to go now."
"...But I never told you about Hilary." Blunt said.
"Yes, and I think its better that you don't." Artemis replied, coldly. "So far your little heart to heart with me has inspired nothing within myself but boredom. Butler is probably very worried, as are my parents."
"What about your little fairy friend?" Asked Rose, looking quite amused.
"WHAT little fairy friend, may I ask, is that? As I recall, I've never even met a fairy. As far as I'm concerned, THEY don't exist!" He snapped. He'd decided to ignore Holly for the rest of his life, as pay back.
"You know the one..." Rose insisted. "Hoppy... or Flitty or something like that."
"No, I do NOT!" Artemis' eye twitched in annoyance.
"But we have you on tape," Blunt said, he took out a tape recorder and replayed Artemis yelling at the ceiling.
"That's not me," Artemis said.
"But-" Blunt began.
"That's my twin brother!" Artemis seethed, "He sounds a lot like me, now may I see that tape recorder for a moment?" Blunt shrugged. He didn't see why not. Artemis snatched it from his hand and tried to break it in half. How ever, the attempt didn't go as well as he had suspected it would and he failed miserably.
"I need Butler," He said grumpily.
"He's not here," Blunt said happily, "Now on with the story!"
"Carry on then," Artemis sighed, "The drone of your voice is similar to a mantra, something like 'i had a happy child hood,' being repeated over and over."
Blunt sighed and reached out a hand to put on Artemis's shoulder, "Happy? Those were probably some of the most difficult years of my life. Ah, but you haven't heard about my mom and the chocolate chip biscuit incident now have you?"
"I'm sure that its absolutely tragic," Artemis agreed.
"Yes, well, She was baking biscuits for my birthday party and I had invited the neighbor girls, they were triplets and they all looked alike. Well, is it any wonder that I managed to call each of them Nancy before the night was up?"
"How did Nancy feel about that?" Asked Rose.
"It turned out that there was no Nancy," Blunt said, "Well, not out of the three of them. No, that was their mother's name-"
"You mistook them for their mom?" Rose asked.
"Understand that their mother was a perfectly youthful looking woman! Even if she was fifty-seven. Well, the girls forgave me because I have a way with words and I managed to learn their real names before I called them Bob-"
"Bob?" Rose asked.
"Their father. Anyways, their names were too hard to remember so I gave them nicknames. And they thought that this was just darling so there they were Moe, Larry and Curly. Back to the biscuits! Now my mother had just finished baking the biscuits when Moe decides that she wants one right way...was it Moe? I can't remember now... anyways, one of them took a biscuit but it was too hot to hold so up it went! Into the air! Well, if I didn't act quick it would land onto the floor. This isn't to say that my mother's floor was ever dirty but giving a guest a biscuit off of the floor is rather rude so I saw my chance and leapt into the air! It was all slow motion from there on..."
Artemis's meditation had gone a little too well and he had fallen asleep.
Buzz! BUZZ!
Rose rushed over to her desk and looked at the moniter for the security camera.
"Uh... Mr. Blunt..." She said, uncertainly.
"... and after they'd thanked me for about the dozenth time, for rescuing Moe's cookie I- what is it Rose?" Blunt sounded slightly irritated.
"Sorry sir, but I think this might be serious."
"Serious enough to have my childhood reminiscing interrupted! I was just getting to the really good part!"
Artemis made a sort of snorting huffing noise from behind him.
"Yes, Mr. Blunt." Said Rose. "Its uh... It's Mr. Rider. He's uh... back."
"WHAT!"
"...With a paper bag..."
"WHAAAAAT!" Mr.Blunt yelled even louder for no particular reason other then to jolt Artemis awake.
"He wants to know if his little friend can join him," Rose said, obviously in between sobs of Alex's return and amusement of his ridiculous stupidity.
"What? The paper bag?" Asked Blunt.
"Apparently,"
Mr. Blunt sighed and looked at Artemis, who had no intention of sighing but did manage to look annoyed while keeping up his calm and cool manner.
"Very well Rose, tell him that his little friend may come as well," Blunt said, "But he better make this quick."
Immediately, almost as if Alex had been listening in on the conversation all along, the door to Blunt's office was thrown open and in skipped Alex Rider, looking even more OOC then usual. "Mission accomplished!" He exclaimed, holding up the paper bag. His face was flushed from the joy of a job well done, in record time too. But neither Mr. Blunt nor Artemis Fowl seemed very excited about it.
"Since when did we ask you to go a collect a paper bag?" Asked Blunt.
Alex's face suddenly went blank. "Uh..." He looked at Artemis.
Artemis shook his head.
Then Alex looked at the bag for a few long awkward moments. "Oh yeah!" He yelled when he'd retrieved his thoughts from the throw out bin in the back of his brain, "The bag told me to do it!"
"The bag?" Asked Blunt.
"Yeah! Its the bag's fault, you see?"
"Alex..." Blunt started, hesitantly. "Are you saying that this bag... asked you to bring it here?"
"It wanted a coke!" Alex explained.
"No!" Rose said. "Mr. Blunt! He's using it as an excuse to put his demonic powers to use and DESTROY your office... and possibly the world..."
"Rose..." Blunt sighed. " Don't you think you're over reacting somewhat?"
She stared blankly.
"Right..." Blunt turned to Artemis. "Well? Don't you have some smart and intelligent advice to add here?"
"Wait at least an hour to go swimming after you've eaten," Replied Artemis, and then, "Oh, you mean about the situation...uh...no, I've just remembered something kind of important and I think I might have left it outside."
"Okkkaaay..." Blunt rolled his eyes, and turned to his office door. "JONES!" He yelled. "I'm going out for a few drinks! You're babysitting!"
The room was instantly filled by the very strong scent of peppermint as Mrs. Jones re-entered the story, "Yes sir," She said, "Anything special that I need to know?"
"Oh...well," Blunt looked back at Alex, the bag and a very VERY indignant Artemis, "Don't give Alex too much soda, it keeps him up all night. The paper bag should probably stay in the corner and Artemis gets a little fussy when he's tired so I like to put him to sleep with Good Night Moon."
"Very well," Said Mrs. Jones.
"But you always read Good Night Moon to meeeee!" Whined Alex. Instantly he was on the floor wailing, "Please Blunt! Don't leave! I promise I'll be good! I won't say a word but pleeeeease don't leave me with Mrs. Jones! She doesn't know shit about kids-"
"Starting on that note," Mrs. Jones snapped irritably as Mr. Blunt ignored Alex and closed the office door behind him, "You can go sit in the corner with Bag for your profanity!" She pointed to a corner and Alex skulked into it. Dragging the bag with him.
In the corner:
"Can you believe this, bag?" Asked Alex moodily, "Why is it always the corner? Its not like I did anything bad! Are your higher ups ever this mean?"
The bag gave a sigh.
"That bad eh?" Asked Alex, "Well don't worry, we'll get our coke eventually. Hey, I feel kind of bad just calling you bag. What's your real name?" He leaned his ear over to the paper bag to hear, "Really? No, I don't think its a stupid name! I think its really cool!"
The bag shrugged.
"No," Insisted Alex, "I really do- what's that? There's some one behind me?" He looked up and found that Artemis had joined them.
"Where have you been?" Asked Alex.
"Don't you mean, what am I doing here?" Asked Artemis.
"No, I know what I'm doing here!" Laughed Alex, "What are YOU doing here?" He nudged the bag and gave the crazy sign.
"Mr. Rider! I am here because Mrs. Jones insists that children with quick mouths ought to be beaten. How ever, since I reminded her that beating me would be illegal she has agreed to negotiate and send me to the corner. " Artemis said, sitting down. Alex made a face.
"I would have taken the beating," He said.
"Well I prefer keeping my dignity, Mr. Rider. And despite the fact that I've just been told to go sit in the corner at the age of fourteen by a peppermint addict just because she doesn't like kids I still have more dignity then you would have if you were beaten - " He stopped, "On second thought I just have more dignity then you, period."
"Ok," Alex shrugged, he started playing patty cake with the bag, "Hey Art!" Alex said.
"Its Artemis," Artemis corrected.
"Yeah, that!" Alex huffed, "Have you met my friend bag yet?"
"Mr. Rider," Artemis sighed, closing his eyes and trying to imagine a nice dark basement some where with lots of computers, "You're a delinquent, did you know?"
"Am I?" Asked Rider, " And you must be an Aquarius, am I right? Now say hello to my friend-"
"I do not fancy saying hello to your friend," Artemis hissed, "And use your indoor voice. Mrs. Jones says-" he frowned. Was that bag laughing at him?
"Hey bag!" Alex laughed, "I've got something for you!" He pulled a marker out from his special Alex Bond utility belt and attacked the bag with it, "Its MAKE OVER TIME!" He squealed. There was some protesting from the bag and a few 'stop moving i'm nearly done'' s and, after three minutes Alex was putting the finishing touches on the bag's new face. It was a giant yellow smiley with it's tongue out.
"Alex," Artemis muttered, "May I see that marker?" Alex handed it over and turned to the bag with a mini mirror( also from the belt)
"So? What do you think?" He asked it, "Its a whole new you! Right?"
"Alex, this is a black marker," Artemis said from behind the two gabbers.
"I know!" Alex continued (to the bag), "At first I thought that blue was your color but then I realized that most people's tongues were red so-"
"Alex!" Artemis said, prodding the boy in the back, "If this marker is black...how did it create yellow and red?"
"Dunno, Art," Alex shrugged.
"Its Artemis!"
"Yeah, that. Now look at Holly! Isn't she ravishing?"
"Holly?" Artemis asked. Alex was pointing to the smiley faced bag.
"Yeah, Holly!" Alex said, "That's this bag's name! Holly Short!"
"Alex..." Artemis reached for the bag, "Have you ever considered that bags don't talk?"
"What now?" Asked Alex.
"Well, you see. Bags lack the proper parts to have a voice. Most importantly they lack a brain, a heart, lungs and vocal chords...so, you see, either this is a veeeery special bag...or there is a fairy inside of it."
"I know its a special bag!" Alex nodded, giving the bag a cuddle.
"No, Mr. Rider!" Artemis sighed, "What I mean is that the bag isn't special at all. There is some one inside of your bag!"
"Oh, one of your fairies I suppose," Alex rolled his eyes, "Aren't you a little old for imaginary friends, Art?"
"Its Artemis!" Artemis growled.
"Yeah, that,"
"Stop it!" Artemis said, "Stop it this instant! You're trying to confuse me and it won't work so-"
"Prat," Mutter Alex.
"What did you just say?" Artemis narrowed his eyes.
"Looney," Alex continued to taunt.
"Now listen here-"
"You..." Alex leaned over to hear a suggestion from the bag, "Dumb person!" He said triumphantly!
Artemis could feel his cool slowly slipping away. Which was pretty damn amazing since it had held up in many more and crueler cool-draining situations.
"Holly!' He said, looking at the bag for any sign of recognition, "Whats happened? Don't you remember me? We used to be f---fr---fri- frie- frien- acquaintances!" His eyes filled with tears.(Getting more and more ooc by the moment) "I thought you cared Holly!" Artemis said dramatically. Then he calmed down and everything was just as if it had never happened, "Alex, may I see that bag?" He asked.
"It's name is Holly!" Said Alex in a scandalized tone.
"Fine, may I see Holly?" Asked Artemis.
"Dunno, Art. Ask him yourself,"
"Its Artemis!"
"Yeah that,"
"And fine! I will ask HER," Artemis grabbed for the bag and Alex immediately slapped him. "WHAT NOW?" Asked Artemis, glaring at Alex.
"What do you mean 'what now'? Alex said, quoting Artemis in a high pitched whiney voice, "Lets see, first you get confused with Holly's gender and then you try to strangle him! That's what Mr. Smart...boy!"
"First of all," Artemis growled, "Its a bag! And if there IS a Holly Short in there, then he is actually a SHE, my misinformed and regrettable acquaintance. As for the strangling, I was just trying to take the bag and open it!"
"oh."
"Now if you'll just give me the damn bag, we can put an end to this stupid debate!" Artemis grabbed for the bag, and... was slapped... again. "MOTHER F- What was that for!"
Alex shrugged. "Dunno. I guess it was just my amazing Alex Rider, super spy reflexes kicking in. Impressive, huh?"
Artemis stared at him, growing more frustrated every second. He looked like he desperately wanted to crush Alex with HIS impressive vocabulary but instead said "...actually it was..." He quickly covered with "... but that's not the point! Please hand the bag OVER! And don't you dare slap me again."
"Yaaaup!" Alex handed the bag over, and then looked around the room. "I'm gonna go look for some cokes. You want one?"
"No." Artemis responded shortly.
"Then its just me and bag." Alex got up, and snuck out of the corner. Artemis sighed with relief. And turned to the bag.
"Now Holly, I can't tell you how sorry I am that-" He opened the bag and stared... blankly. It was empty.
WHOA! Cliffhanger! Didn't expect that! ...what do you mean it isn't a cliffhanger? Don't you want to know WHY Holly isn't in that bag? WHAT DO YOU MEAN 'NO'? Oh well... Review anyhow. You KNOW how much I love reviews!... please?