What I Don't Have

Jordan was beginning to live for twelve o'clock. And three o'clock. And six and nine. All times that Danny would find a spare moment in his day to call or text message her. Even if it was a simple message that read 'hello,' she lived for it. As she went into the third week of his absence from her life, she was starting to think that thirty messages a day would never be enough. She ached for the other half of her heart that boarded that plane with him.

Fortunately, there was plenty to keep her busy during her days at the morgue. After a somewhat rocky start, she had mastered the position of Chief ME. It helped that all of her coworkers backed her one hundred percent. Things had finally picked up a little speed, and she was running the morgue like a well oiled machine. The DA's office was impressed that their madcap ME had made such a turnaround in the face of Garret's accident. In addition, Jordan was expertly working the details of the Iron poisoning cases without ever having to deal with Woody. That in itself was like running a marathon.

Sidney and Nigel had helped immensely by finding some very key pieces of information. They had traced Phillip Di Giovanni's credit card to some local hot spots that Keri March and Westly Appleton had frequented, or so said the owners. However, they could not remember seeing Phillip himself there with either one. While there was nothing in Phillip's apartment that gave them any leads, they struck gold with Keri's place. A bottle of vitamin supplements had produced a print - one that was an undeniable match to Westly Appleton. The vitamins had been replaced with lethal capsules of Iron. With this information, the police had quickly procured a warrant and took Westly into custody, to the fury of his father the judge.

The last Jordan had heard of the case was two days ago when there was a monumental battle ensuing between Judge Appleton, the cops, and the DA's office on the proceedings of holding Westly and questioning him. For once, she was glad to be able to wash her hands of a case, ridding herself of unneeded and unwanted stress. That was one fight she was in no hurry to enter. She had done her job, letting the bodies speak the truth. In her opinion, it looked as though Keri had been having an affair with Phillip, and Westly's jealousy went too far. But the only person left to confirm that was Westly himself.

Jordan took a deep breath and let it out, watching the effect of her warm breath in the freezing air. Being done for the day, she had slipped silently from the morgue and scaled the stairs up to the roof. It felt like years since she had been up there, enjoying the sanctity it offered. She tugged her parka around her and adjusted her scarf so that it covered her jaw line. The sky was clear, and she gazed at the few stars that could be seen in the middle of Boston.

Wrapping her arms tightly about her middle, she gently fingered the engagement ring beneath her gloved hand. Nothing in her life had ever gone so right, so fast as her relationship with Danny. It made her smile. A million times she had wondered what would have happened if she had never lost her mind for a day and flew to Vegas. But it didn't matter now. She was going to be his wife.

The sound of the door to the roof creaking open broke the silence that she had been enjoying. Her heart jumped. Could it be…?

Jordan turned around and could not for the life of her mask the look of extreme disappointment when she saw Woody standing there. His own wounded expression let her know that he grasped the full meaning of her look. He carefully let the door close and stood there awkwardly, his hands shoved into the pockets of his jacket.

"Hey," she said coolly.

"Hi," he answered. She continued to stare stonily at him, making him feel like he was being dissected with her steely eyes. "Nigel told me that he thought he saw you come up here."

Her response was an arched eyebrow. She would have to have a talk with Nigel about giving her whereabouts to Woody. Somehow, she got the feeling that the staff thought things had simmered between the two.

"Well he was right," she said evenly. "Here I am."

"Um," Woody started, taking a few cautious steps towards her. "I just…well, I just wanted to drop by and let you know that Westly Appleton finally cracked."

"Keri was having an affair?" she guessed, her interest in the case overriding her resistance to talking to him.

"No, actually," he said. "Westly was having the affair…with Phillip."

Jordan's eyebrows shot up in surprise, her cold expression dropping completely.

"Wow," she breathed. "Didn't see that one coming."

"I guess Westly was using Keri as a cover. He didn't want his family to find out he was gay, especially his father. He thought that his father would blame him for any detriments the news might cause to his career," Woody explained. "Keri was getting sick of it, though. She was threatening to expose them."

"But why kill Phillip?"

"It was an accident," he said tiredly. "Phillip found the bottle of vitamins that Westly had prepared for Keri and took some, thinking they were normal."

"But they were laced," Jordan offered, and Woody nodded.

"Keri flipped out, and threatened to call the cops. Westly panicked," he finished. He paused for a moment, looking into her eyes briefly before glancing down. "He made all the wrong choices."

Jordan swallowed. That statement had not been subtle at all. Woody barely attempted to hide the fact that he wasn't talking about the case anymore. It scared Jordan. She could not believe he was doing this, not here, not now.

"Woody," she started, but he cut her off.

"You're really marrying him?" he demanded, though not sharply. He sounded desperate. She hated hearing that tone in his voice, even after all this time.

"Yes," she answered firmly. Woody looked up at her from beneath his lashes, regret washed over his face. Jordan was nearly shocked. His emotions were laying there in his eyes, exposed completely. She hadn't seen him this vulnerable in a long time. He took a few more careful steps towards her, and she countered in the other direction only to find that she was trapped by the wall.

"Why, Jo?" he asked her. She let out a disbelieving laugh.

"Are you kidding me?" she shot back. "You have the nerve to ask me that after all you've put me through? Why? Because you threw me away when you didn't want me anymore, because you told me to screw my pity and move on with my life! That's why!"

She saw a flash of heat enter his eyes, but whether he was angry at her or himself, she couldn't say. He looked taken aback that she had lashed out at him so strongly.

"But I-"

"Don't you dare tell me you didn't think I actually would move on," she said in a low voice. As she went on, she felt the hurt he had caused her surface, and she fought to control her emotions. "Don't tell me you're sorry or that you regret what you did. Don't tell me you missed me, don't tell me you're life wasn't right without me. Don't."

He regarded her in silence for several moments, his brow drawn down in his typical frustrated fashion.

"Don't you regret it?" he asked her quietly, intensely. "Didn't you feel all of what you just said, even the slightest bit?"

"Maybe, at one point," she said honestly, losing the hold she had on her emotions. If he kept asking her these questions, she was going to start sobbing uncontrollably. "But that's over now. You ended it. You made me feel like I was worse than dead. And I finally learned to walk away from your hatred. Was I supposed to wait for you when you couldn't care less about me?" she asked point blank.

Unable to wait for an answer, she shut her eyes tight against the tears that were welling over and dropped her face into her hand to hide the pain. She sniffed and took a shaky breath of the freezing night air. Why did he have to do this to her? He was opening too many wounds that she had nursed so carefully and almost healed. She wiped at her eyes with her gloved hand, keeping them tight shut in an infantile theory that if she couldn't see him, then he didn't exist. She recognized too late that that idea was idiotic at the moment.

His lips were on hers before she could even sense that he had drawn closer, her eyelids hiding his approach. For a few glorious seconds, his kiss sent warm tingles through her body, sending her back to a night in California where she had made a choice that had altered their relationship forever. But reality set in quickly, and she pushed him firmly away, fresh tears sliding down her cheeks. Woody looked at her as though she had socked him in the gut.

"Don't do this, Woody," she pleaded. "It's too late."

"Jordan, please," he said, reaching out to grasp one of her hands. "I can't walk away without at least trying to… at least finding out if you still love me, that I might still have a chance."

"After the way you've treated me," she muttered almost to herself, her eyes unable to tear themselves from his. "I don't think I'll ever stop loving you, Woody. But it's too late to go back to what might have been. I'm in love with Danny now-"

"Why him, Jordan?" he cut her off angrily, and she saw the damage her words had done. "Why Danny fucking McCoy, of all the people in the world?"

"I don't know!" she choked out. "I don't know why I fell in love with him. I don't know why I fell in love with you! But I did. It just happens, I didn't choose it!"

"Then try again, Jordan, try to love me again," he begged her.

And suddenly Jordan saw it. His horrible attitude towards her, the awful things he had been saying behind her back, and in front of it, the way his temper exploded whenever she and Danny were around – he had been trying to drive Danny away. She had underestimated how jealous he would be. And now the truth was staring her in the face. Woody had never stopped loving her. Her face froze in horrific realization, her eyes blinking rapidly in worry.

"I can't," she whispered. "Not in the way you want me to."

"Can't or won't?" he challenged her, his voice low and intense.

"I can't, and I won't," she told him, her own voice silvered with sadness as she knowingly broke his heart, the way he had broken hers so many months ago. "I'm so sorry."

"Why the hell not, Jordan? Why can't we break through all of this and try one more time?" he asked desperately. Jordan shook her head and looked up at the sky, silently asking for help.

"Because I love Danny too much to do that to him," she said. "And-" she bit her lip, fighting for her last bit of resolve. Woody searched her eyes.

"And?" he urged her. Jordan shut her eyes for a moment to pool what strength she had left, set her jaw, and met Woody's gaze firmly.

"I'm pregnant."