By animeninjaNIPPON
Dib was lying motionless on the cold ground, completely silent.
"Hey YOU!" Zim took off his infrared goggles and put them in his PAK, then put on a brown-tinted hat that had a little red light on top. He adjusted the light so it reflected across the human boy's body. Dib was merely sleeping; passed out from exhaustion. "Well," Zim muttered, "I can't do anything until he wakes up. If Tak comes after me, I'll need to use him as a shield…" He stretched a torn-gloved hand out and carefully reached into Dib's trench coat pocket to pull out – what else? – The "Zim Files." He opened it to a random page and began to read.
Today is my birthday, and Zim ruined it by having his robot put waffles in my cake. Sadly, it's still one of my better birthday celebrations…
Zim had no idea what a "birthday" was or why it mattered whether or not the cake was made of waffles. He flipped through the book again, and out of sheer boredom (and possible curiosity) he counted how many times his name had been written in each entry. He studied the entries carefully, noted the shapes of that particular alphabet, tried to decipher what had been crossed out on some pages… Come to think of it, there was a scratched out word at the end of the first entry – Zim made it out to be the letter "D" and part of an "I," followed by the pseudonym "Vira Mindez."
"Vira Mindez." Of all the phony names Dib could have chosen, why that one? But Zim, in his deep concentration, had caught on to something.
"Vira Mindez" was an anagram for "Invader Zim."
"Does this worm baby think of NOTHING but the ALMIGHTY ZIM?" the alien thought out loud. "Well, if he is TRULY interested in my IRKEN GLORY, he needs to get his FACTS correct!" Zim stretched out a leg directly into Dib's stomach to wake him. Dib gasped in horror and slight pain before sitting up as much as possible.
"Where am I?" Dib asked with a yawn.
"This is your LUCKY DAY, Dib-worm!" Zim ignored Dib's sleepy-headed confusion.
"You found the ship?"
"NOT YET! But I have INFORMATION – " He stopped, remembering something he had been told a long time ago. Never give personal information to anyone unless you have something with which to blackmail them. Before he let his ego carry him any further, Zim replied, "but FIRST you must give me YOUR information!"
"MY information!" Dib glanced at Zim, noticing that he held the "Zim Files." "You mean, like stuff about ME?" Someone wanting to know something about Dib – THAT was certainly a first. "Well, what do you want to know, exactly?"
"Something SECRET!"
Dib hesitated. He remembered something someone from the Swollen Eyeball Network said about not trusting your enemies until you had blackmail on them. "I don't think I know you well enough to tell you that…"
"Then tell me SOMETHING ELSE!"
"Well…" Dib lay on his back and stared nonchalantly at the dirt ceiling. "My name is Dib, and I don't have a last name, which in retrospect makes sense because – "
"I know, I know, the Irken thing," Zim interrupted. "What is your CIVIL DUTY on this planet?"
"Well… I don't really have one. I'm only twelve… I guess I go to skool, which pays for the government's luxuries…"
"You're HOW OLD?" Zim looked skeptical.
"Twelve," Dib repeated. "At least, I think so."
"No wonder you're so STUPID," Zim commented. "You're LESS THAN A CENTURY OLD!"
"You're over 100?" Dib rolled over to look at Zim, who had propped himself up by his elbows and was staring at the open notebook.
"Well, actually…I'm only 87. I lie about my age a lot. But the TALLEST know my true age!"
"How do I know you're not lying about it now?"
"Good question – but THAT is not IMPORTANT! Now tell me, Dib-stink – "
"Do you have to call me that?"
"YES! Now REVEAL to me your TRUE PURPOSE to your race!" Zim turned to face Dib.
"How should I know? Nobody on this planet knows their true purpose!" Dib realized that he wasn't getting anywhere just arguing, so he softened his tone a bit. "Well, as for me…I think that it's paranormal research. You know, aliens and monsters and stuff."
"So THAT'S why you were so obsessed with me in the nonexistent past!" Zim shook the notebook in Dib's face.
"I was NOT 'obsessed'!" Dib denied indignantly. "What else was I supposed to write about – how I sat in gum that one Tuesday?"
"Sure, Dib-monkey…"
"You're an egomaniac, you know that Zim? You think any human would be interested in how amazingly superior you think you are." He narrowed his eyes at the alien.
"I don't CARE what your INFERIOR dirtball thinks of the AMAZINGLY SUPERIOR ZIM!" Zim made a fist. "And when I TAKE OVER, and present your planet to the Tallest, and…" Zim slowly unclenched his fist and picked up his tracking device. "One-half kilometer, STRAIGHT AHEAD!"
"Don't change the subject!" Dib snatched the device out of Zim's hand. "Tell me what you're going to do. Unless you don't know – "
"NEVER" Zim snatched the device back. "Wait a MINUTE – I thought you weren't INTERESTED in hearing my plans to DOOM you!"
"No, I said – "
KABOOM! A loud crash behind them caused part of the tunnel to cave in.
"We've been SPOTTED!" Zim cried out.
"Are you sure?" Dib asked. "Maybe it's just a rogue missile or something."
"You WANT us to get caught?" Zim yelled angrily. "Let's go!" But before they could advance further, the front of the tunnel collapsed as well. "AAAH!"
"We're trapped!"
"This is YOUR fault, Dib-human! I'm going to DOOM you NOW!"
"No, wait! We can still get out!"
"NEVER! I'm going to destroy you ONCE AND FOR ALL!" With that, Zim grabbed the front of Dib's tattered T-shirt. The ground beneath them began to shake violently.
"Look," Dib shouted, taking hold of Zim's tunic, "if we're gonna die in here, let's die with a clear conscience! Let's not fight anymore!"
"SO, when faced with impending death, you want to make things all NICE and HAPPY!" Zim was only getting angrier.
"Yeah, I guess! I'm only human!"
Hearing Dib admit to being flawed because of his terrestrial origin made Zim bust out laughing. "AHAHAHAHA! You ADMIT to being a lesser species!" He continued laughing with genuine amusement, and Dib, realizing how that phrase sounded in context in a discussion with Zim, laughed too. As they cracked up, Zim's grip on the big-headed boy lessened. However, Dib was laughing so hard that he had to fall against Zim for support. And all the while, the Earthquake continued.
As their hysteria subsided, Zim realized how close Dib was to him and impolitely shoved him away. "NEVER touch ZIM!"
"I'm sorry!" They had been getting along so well for the past five minutes, and Dib hated to ruin it. But all of a sudden, it was ZIM getting too close. He latched onto Dib's shirt, pressing against the human in fear.
"AAAH! This place is gonna 'SPLODE!" Zim yelled.
The ground gave way beneath them before they were shot into Earth's atmosphere by an eruption of snacks. Dib landed on his back onto what he thought was a car (due to the alarm that went off) but was actually the spaceship they had been tracking. He groaned in pain and reached a hand over the side of the ship. It was met by a vinyl-gloved hand that grabbed his wrist. Dib slowly sat up. "Z – Ziiim…?" He looked to his side groggily.
"WRONG, HUMAN!" Tak grinned ferally and tore Dib off her spaceship, pinning his arms behind his back and locking them into place with electromagnetic sonic handcuffs.
End of part fourteen