Breaking My Mask
Summary- how can you explain to someone what it is like to come out of the darkness when all they have ever known was light?
For years and years all I knew was the darkness of my prison. Trapped for 500 years my only company were the rocks around me and the sky. I never saw the sun or the moon, and I was never a part of the light that I saw. In the beginning I would often stretch my arms out from my prison to try to touch the sunlight, because I wanted to know what it was like to be a part of the light. But the light was always just out of my reach. It felt like the gods were laughing at me.
I knew nothing of other people, or of companionship. I could remember nothing but my prison. But at the same time, I felt like I hadn't always been alone. Like, at one point I had been a part of the light which I so longed to stand in.
If I could have died I would have. I was always hungry and thirsty, but I did not starve. I wished I could die but I had no means.
Then one day, I looked up and he was standing there, telling me to shut up. I was so confused. I had never heard anyone speak that I could remember, but somehow I knew what he was saying. Looking at this man was like looking at the sun that I wanted to be a part of. Looking at him I forgot that I should be afraid. I forgot about wanting to die, and I reached my hand to him. The harsh look on his face vanished and he reached out a hand too.
Sanzo brought me with him, I still don't know why. He says it was because I wouldn't stop calling for him, but I don't think I ever did. He must have heard my prayers. He took me out of the darkness and gave me a world brighter than the sun.
Sanzo always hits me with the fan and calls me 'baka saru' when I stop suddenly to feel the sun on my skin, or to look up at the moon. He doesn't understand. And I can't explain it to him. How can I? How can you explain to someone what it is like to come out of the darkness when they have always known light?
These companions, these friends I have now… they can't understand. I can't try to tell them. It's the same as my not understanding what it is to lose a love, a mentor, or to have your mother try to kill you. And in some ways it separates me from them. They see me as the child of the group that has never known any hardship. That's what I was like when I first came from the mountain. I loved everything from this world that I didn't know. But that joy slowly ran out. And as that happened I slowly began to build my mask. Where I still act like I did at first. But it is getting harder and harder to put that mask on. Sanzo and Gojyo can't tell the difference. If they knew how I really felt Sanzo would hit me with the fan and call me 'stupid' and Gojyo would laugh at me and kick me. Sometimes I think that Hakkai can see my mask breaking, and he wants me to talk to him. If anyone could understand me it would be him. But I don't want to tell him. Because if I start talking I don't think I could stop. I think it would break my mask beyond repair. And as hard as it is to put that mask on, and as much as I hate it does give me some strand sort of security. I don't want people to see the real me.
I don't want to be the real me. I hate that person.