A Heart Alone
By Bobbi Meislohn
(Standard disclaimer: You know I don't own YYH or its characters; they are the sole property of Yoshihiro Togashi, Shonen Jump Comics Weekly, Studio Pierrot and Fuji Television… damn my luck! Nor do I own 'I Can't Make You Love Me' – which belongs to Mike Reid, Allen Shamblin and the incomparable Bonnie Rait)
Author's Notes: This is NOT a songfic, though the lyrics are intrinsic to the storyline and have thus, been included.
/blah blah/ - song lyrics
/Cause I can't make you love me
If you don't
You can't make your heart feel
Something it won't/
The great hall of the fortress of Alaric is ablaze with soft, pastel light in a myriad of colors; all provided by the floating glow-globes that hover just below the ceiling yet well above the heads of the guests. Somewhere, musicians play; the music fusing with the quiet conversation of the invited guests as they intermingle in small groups. Unobtrusively, servants pass among them, dispensing drinks and refreshments.
Mukuro has certainly outdone herself. Who would have ever guessed the so-called 'bionic bitch' had it in her to throw so lavish a gathering. But then again, why should she not? Tonight is, after all, a celebration.
The guests themselves are quite a mix, I note as I pass beneath the arched entryway. Demons mix freely with Reikai royalty, as I see Koenma and Botan speaking with none other than the Emperor of Makai, Enki, and his wife. I spot several humans as well; although Yusuke, his arm protectively encircling Keiko's waist whilst he and Kuwabara trade friendly barbs, is technically only half-human. Even Yomi has deigned to make an appearance on this auspicious occasion as I suddenly find the blind Lord of Gandara at my side.
"I didn't think you'd come," he says quietly.
"Why would I not?" I ask.
A slight frown creases his pale, handsome features; the 'I should think the answer to that would be patently obvious' look he gives me, is his only response.
"He's still my friend, Yomi," I offer by way of explanation.
The frown remains a moment longer before turning into a smile. "You're a better person than I, Kurama," he returns softly, the smile genuine.
Fortunately I'm spared the necessity of a further response as Shizuru appears at that moment. She links her arm through Yomi's, giving her husband's arm an affectionate squeeze before favoring me with a wide grin.
"Hey Red, it's been a while," she says by way of greeting, "where've you been hiding? Gandara's getting downright boring without you!"
Yomi harrumphs good-naturedly as I return his wife's smile. "Forgive me, Shizuru," I bow slightly, "but my work has kept me so busy of late that I have little time for anything else."
"Yeah," she nods, "must be rough being the most sought after landscape architect in the Ningenkai, huh?"
A good-natured sigh escapes my lips. "I fear it can be," I answer, "though I did not mean to neglect my friends."
"Don't worry about it, Red," she says with a quick shake of her head, accepting the small lie I offer. "Just… don't be a stranger, okay?"
"Of course not," I lie, knowing they'll forgive me this one as well.
A few more moments of innocuous conversation and then the Lord and Lady of Gandara excuse themselves, leaving me once more to my own devices.
A servant approaches, a tray of drinks in hand, and I help myself to a glass of some Makai beverage; its scent faintly reminiscent of pine and wood-smoke. It takes me a moment to realize that the scent isn't coming from the crystal in my hand, but rather, from the man who stands before me, wine-red eyes staring into my own. And Dear Inari… I'm almost drowning in them… and in him.
He stands there, resplendent in loose-fitting black pants tucked into knee-high black boots; a tunic of the finest crimson (to match his eyes) silk, a black dragon curling sinuously across the front; the ever-present katana strapped to his slender waist; his hair, still spiked at the top, but longer now, it is clasped tightly at the base of his neck in a slender silken ponytail.
Even as my heart speeds up and my pulse beats a rapid tattoo, I find myself idly wondering how it can be possible for someone who was already beautiful to grow even more so… and yet he has. And then I feel it again… the dull ache of a lonely heart, and once again, I hide behind the constant mask of my humanity. Never let him see that you still feel, I admonish myself as I turn my eyes to his.
"Hello, Hiei," I acknowledge softly, gifting him with a smile. "My congratulations on your bonding."
"I'm glad you came, Fox," he responds quietly, his eyes never leaving my face.
"Did you think I would not?" I ask.
He shrugs slightly. "I wasn't sure… at least, not after….."
"You're my friend, Hiei," I interrupt quickly, "that has not changed nor will it ever do so." Again I allow a soft smile to grace my lips. "I'd be a poor friend, indeed, would I not, if I chose not to share my friend's happiness with him. And I do wish you happiness, Hiei." I realize, even as I speak these words, the truth behind them. In spite of my own pain, I am happy for him.
"Both of you," I amend, bowing slightly as Mukuro joins her mate, slipping her arm through his.
"Thank you, Kurama," the Lady of Alaric responds, "and I apologize for intruding upon your reunion, however, I need to borrow my mate… Lord Koenma and Lady Botan are about to depart….."
"Hn," comes the low-throated growl from the man at Mukuro's side. "What – the toddler can't find his own way out?"
"Hiei," Mukuro admonishes her mate, and I can't help the grin I feel tugging at the corners of my mouth.
"Fine," he huffs in response then turns his ruby-eyed gaze up to mine. "I'll see you later, all right, Fox?"
I nod absently, watching as they make their way through the throng of people… watching him as my mind wanders back to that night…..
:Flashback:
/I'll close my eyes
Then I won't see
The love you don't feel
When you're holding me/
"Fox, we need to talk." The deep baritone was oddly gentle, though the tone brooked no argument.
Not that Kurama had any thoughts of doing so for he'd expected those very words would be spoken one day. In fact, the half-human/half-demon fox had tried to prepare himself for this day from the moment he'd first confessed his love for the small fire demon who now occupied the space just to his left and slightly behind him. After all, it was he who had made the admission;whispering those precious words countless times as they shared their bodies, knowing full well that the hiyoukai did not return that love.
They had left the realm of friendship to become lovers. But for Hiei, though he'd been both tender and considerate with the kitsune, the nights of passion they'd shared had always been nothing more than 'sex'. Yet Kurama had accepted it, cherishing each moment he spent with his lover; always preparing himself for the eventual heartache he knew would come… was now, in fact, upon him.
And so he turned now from where he stood on the balcony of his small apartment, interrupting his contemplation of the foggy night beyond. Emerald eyes met the ruby orbs of the small hiyoukai; as always, all but drowning in their fiery depths. Smiling softly, he addressed his soon-to-be ex-lover. "Of course, Hiei… what is it?"
"Us, Fox," the small half-Koorime responded. His ruby eyes lingered on his friend – his lover – for a moment before sliding away to stare out across the balcony. "You are my friend, Kurama, and the last thing in the three worlds I'd ever want to do is hurt you, but….."
Kurama reached out one slender hand, cupping the hiyoukai's chin, tipping his head until their eyes met once more. "But you don't love me," he finished for the small demon. "At least," he gave a self-deprecating smile, " not in the way that I love you."
"You know?"
"Hai. I've known for a long time, Dragonfly. Yet, foolish human that I am, I'd hoped, perhaps, some day your feelings for me would change."
"I tried, Fox." Dejectedly, the petite demon shook his head. "I really wanted to be able to return your love; so much so that I even pretended to myself that I did love you, hoping that in so doing, the pretence would then become real."
Hiei looked up; his gaze met the fox's, and Kurama's heart ached at the misery he read in the depths of those crimson eyes he loved so well.
"But I know now, that's not going to happen," he continued. "Just as I know that, if we go on as we have been, we'll only end up hurting, and hating, each other in the end. Fox, I… I'm truly sor…."
Kurama put his finger to Hiei's lips, forestalling any further words from the little demon.
"Don't," he said softly. "Don't ever apologize for being who you are." He smiled again; this one so gentle it tore at Hiei's heart. "After all, that's the demon with whom I fell in love."
Holding Hiei's eyes with his own, the half-human spirit fox continued. "No regrets. I have none, Hiei, and neither should you."
Hiei nodded. Reaching up, his hand cupped Kurama's cheek in a gentle caress. Kurama put his hand over the hiyoukai's, leaning into the touch. Closing his eyes and turning his head slightly, the kitsune placed a soft kiss in the tiny palm.
Swallowing past the lump that had suddenly developed in his throat, the small half-Koorime withdrew his hand. "I should go," he said, the words coming out more abruptly than he'd meant them to do.
Kurama nodded, eyes remaining closed a moment longer, not trusting himself to speak.
"Kurama," Hiei asked, his voice filled with concern for his friend, "will you be all right?"
Nodding again, the redhead opened viridian eyes, drinking in the sight of the small demon; his heart memorizing every detail of the beautiful, childlike face before him.
"Be happy, Hiei," he said, one last smile gracing the lovely elfin features. "Promise me that you will be happy."
"And you as well, Fox," the hiyoukai responded. For a long moment, he simply stared at the redhead before finally stepping away. Putting one booted foot on the wrought-iron rail of the balcony, Hiei turned to face the fox one final time.
"Goodbye, Kurama," he said softly and, with a quick displacement of air, was gone.
Kurama waited until he could no longer feel Hiei's ki. Once he was certain that the little fire demon was, indeed, gone; he sank to the ground. Back against the wall, he drew his knees to his chest, and wrapping his arms around them, he bowed his head, finally shedding the tears he'd held at bay for so long.
"Farewell, Dragonfly," he sobbed to the silent fog. "Ai shiteru… always."
:End Flashback:
/Morning will come
And I'll do what's right
Just give me till then
To give up this fight
And I will give up this fight/
It was after that night that I threw myself wholeheartedly into my work, believing (however wrongly) that, in so doing, I could escape my pain and thus, live. Days flowed into weeks; weeks into months; and those months into years; two to be exact.
Gradually, during that time, I found myself drifting further and further from those I called my friends. No longer did I venture into the Makai; ceasing my visits to Yomi and Shizuru in Gandara, or Yusuke, Keiko, Kuwabara and Yukina – all of whom were now living in Yusuke's kingdom of Torin.
Eventually I'd isolated myself totally within the cocoon of work and the small, empty apartment I called 'home'; my only deviation, the occasional (albeit rare nowadays) visits to my mother's house. Shiori was my comfort during this time: she, and my stepfather and younger stepbrother.
The sound of raucous male laughter puts an end to my introspection. Raising my head, my eyes search out the cause of that laughter, stopping as they come to rest upon the small, half-circle of people gathered around the Lady of Alaric and her new 'mate'. With a small smile, I watch as Yusuke good-naturedly claps Hiei on the back, and in a rare display, my once-upon-a-time lover smiles in return, his arm firmly around his lady's waist.
I cannot deny his happiness – just as I cannot stop my heart from loving him. Though he is not mine, and now, never will be; I belong to him – heart, mind, body, and soul. It is our way: the way of the youko. When we love someone, our entire being – everything that we are – is given to that person; and given, forever. For just that reason, I, as Youko Kurama, had never allowed myself to love another… not even Kuronue. Though I cared deeply for him; and he for me, there was nothing more than a deep, abiding friendship between us.
Once again, I leave my musing as I look once more at the happy group. They are my friends; they will always be so. And yet, as I watch them, I know that I am no longer a part of them. Strange though it may seem, I find no discomfort in that knowledge; and so, with a final wistful smile, I do the only thing that I can do now… I turn and walk away.
/Cause I can't make you love me
If you don't
You can't make your heart feel
Something it won't/
It doesn't take long to locate the portal that will return me to the Human World and my life alone. Just as the portal opens, I pause and turn back toward Alaric once more. Blinking back the tears that threaten, I gaze one last time across Mukuro's lands.
"Ai shiteru, Dragonfly," I whisper to the wind, then quickly turn around and step through the portal.
/Here in the dark
In these final hours
I will lay down my heart
And I'll feel the power
But you won't…..
...No you won't/
Owari