Torture and death; the words were repeated over and over in Jack Gallagher's mind as he knelt there and stared at the stone in his hand, its smooth surface marred by the etching; while his thoughts took him back to the day that Balzor, one of the guards, had taunted him with those words. It was about a month after Jack had first arrived. He had been working in one of the mines when Balzor came up to him and prodded him with the whip he carried around in case the opportunity came up to hurt someone. Balzor was one of the more sadistic guards who enjoyed his job, especially when it came time to inflict punishments.
Jack had spent most of that morning helping two other men dig out a naquadah vein that had been found the day before. Handar had discovered that naquadah was valuable for many uses, although it was mainly used as an energy source to keep his palace cool and to keep the fence around his oasis powered. Because of this, the slaves were expected to bring in as much as they could find.
Jack didn't mind working in the mines, as it meant that he was not working outside in the sun. The mines provided some relief from the heat, although not a whole lot, but still enough to have him hoping he would be assigned to work there on a daily basis. He was careful not to let the guards know this though, they would spitefully make sure he didn't get a chance to ever see the shade if they thought he wanted it.
He was going over the plans for his escape in his head when Balzor came up to see if Jack and his companions had made any progress in digging up Handar's 'gold'. Jack was grateful that they had, as he definitely did not want to deal with the guard's wrath. He knew all too well what that meant. "You all have done well," Balzor said, with a look of distaste on his face. "Handar will be pleased."
Jack continued to dig, knowing from experience what would happen if he stopped to acknowledge Balzor's words. He really hated this guy, but he was still working on a plan to escape and pissing off Balzor would definitely put a kink in his plans. It would be hard to run if he was laid up from another beating. So he continued to dig, hoping the guy would get bored and go find someone else to torment.
Balzor was bored all right, Jack realized, as the guard continued to stand there and watch them dig. Even after only a month, Jack knew the signs when he saw them and he wondered which one of slaves was going to end up being carried out of there. He pushed his shovel into the dirt, hoping that it would be one of the other guys this time, knowing himself well enough to know that he wouldn't let it come to that. He would step in to help and he cringed as he sank the shovel back into the dirt again. He could be such an idiot sometimes.
"Is Taria with child yet?" Balzor asked. Oh great, Jack thought. It turned out that he was today's target, after all.
"It's only been a couple of weeks," Jack said carefully. He did not want to ruin the plans he had made to get out of there. "We are definitely trying though," he added, trying to pacify the man.
"She is a beautiful woman," Balzor said thoughtfully. Jack stopped digging momentarily to look up at the guard. He so hoped Balzor wasn't thinking what it sounded like he was thinking. The very thought made Jack's blood run cold. He would kill the son of a bitch. Taria was Jack's mate, and although he didn't have a firm handle on what he felt for the woman, he was still extremely protective of her. She was counting on Jack to keep her safe and he didn't plan on letting her down.
He went back to digging, ever mindful of the whip Balzor was idly making circles in the dirt with. Balzor would be more than happy to beat the hell out of Jack, even if he had to make something up in order to do it, which he rarely did. The guards didn't need an excuse to punish the slaves. They just had to make sure that there were enough slaves around who were able to carry out the next day's tasks.
"It would be a shame to see that beautiful face marred," Balzor continued. "Do you know what happens to the family of a slave who tries to escape?"
Jack didn't allow himself to answer, he just continued to dig. The other slaves had warned him not to even think of escape, although he never was one to accept defeat so easily. He was determined to get back to Earth, no matter what it took, even if he had to take Taria with him to keep her safe. The stories and the rumors told of others who attempted to escape had most of the other slaves cowering in fear for even talking about it.
"I asked you a question," Balzor snarled, causing Jack to rethink his strategy of keeping quiet.
"I've heard from the others what would happen," he spoke up, if only to stay alive long enough to escape. Balzor had a reputation and Jack had learned the hard way that the guard intended to live up to that reputation.
"Torture and death," Balzor took great pleasure in telling him. "She would be tortured for days until she is no longer the person you know, then she would be killed in a slow agonizing way. And you would be made to watch, because we all know that there is nowhere for you to go." The evil smile he had on his face reminded Jack of the time he had been imprisoned in Iraq. A certain Colonel used to smile like that just before he tortured a young Major Jack O'Neill unmercifully for hours. Jack shook off that image to focus on the one staring him in the face.
"She would be screaming and begging for mercy, but I won't give her any," Balzor continued, "I will take great pleasure in hurting her. Of course, that will be after I take her to my bed. She'll love that," he taunted with a sneer. "I'll make sure of it."
Jack pushed the shovel into the dirt with a great deal of force, while angrily gritting his teeth in an effort to fight off the urge to smash the shovel into the man's face. He was so close to giving into his desire anyway, but he held on to his determination to take Taria and make a run for the Stargate, which was located in a fenced in area at the edge of Handar's oasis. Jack had figured out a way to get past the barrier that guarded the Gate, at least he hoped it would work, and he knew that he would need to be conscious if he was going to succeed. He bit his tongue to keep from saying anything to the guard, knowing deep down that his efforts were probably all in vain anyway. Balzor really didn't need an excuse to beat Jack into an unconscious state of mind.
"I'm not planning on escaping," Jack said, hoping that this was the right thing to say. He was pretty proud of himself at that moment. Normally he would have been saying something sarcastic, or to be honest, something really, really stupid. But here he was saying all the right words to keep the peace, just so that he could live long enough to escape. He continued to dig as he wondered if his words had been the right ones after all.
"I think that I would rather you did," Balzor said menacingly. "Handar will not honor my request to take Taria for myself. He thinks that if I did, you would not care about her and try to escape. Is that true?"
Wonderful. What to say to that? Jack was doomed no matter which way he answered the question. If he said Handar was right, Balzor would pounce on him for taking away something he wanted. If he told Balzor that he did care about Taria and not leave, he'd be punished for calling Handar a liar. Damn it, he just knew he wasn't going to get the chance to escape that day.
He had taken too long to answer. Balzor's whip snaked out and caught Jack on the back of his shoulder. He flinched in pain, then glared at Balzor before going back to the task of digging for the naquadah. "Is that true?" the guard asked again.
"Handar would not tell a lie," Jack said, as he buried the blade of the shovel into the dirt. He was incensed by now, fueled by the pain the whip had inflicted and by the total injustice of the whole issue. He continued to dig, knowing deep down that he had already blown it.
"I hope you try to escape," Balzor said. "I want to make you suffer in the worst way. But for now, I suppose I'll just have to enjoy hearing your screams, as I beat you for throwing dirt on my shoes."
Well damn. If he was going down, he might as well go down in a blaze of glory, Jack thought, as he took the shovel and swung it at Balzor's head. Jack was positive that the man saw stars, but that didn't even compare to what Jack ended up going through for that misdeed. Why did he have to be such an idiot?
Jack remembered very well what they did to him for hitting Balzor. The guard had come close to killing him in retaliation, but Handar couldn't afford to lose another slave, so Jack was saved from death yet once more, although he had been unable to move for a few days after the beating he'd received.
He wallowed in his sadness as he remembered Taria's efforts to help him get back on his feet as soon as possible after that beating. She was not allowed to stay with him during the day, so he was left to do for himself when she was working. But when she was able to find a few moments for him, she was there nagging at him to eat to gain back his strength, all the while kissing him and promising him everything if he would just survive this and stay out of trouble from that moment on. She needed him to live and he had a hard time denying her anything.
This was all before she turned on him, though. Jack tried not to think of what he went through because of her betrayal. It was definitely something that had changed him forever. He hated the fact that he couldn't bring himself to deal with that particular memory, but he justified his reluctance with the thought that he would probably end up killing somebody if he found himself in a flashback because of it.
He was avoiding the real problem, though. He had failed Taria, just as he had failed himself. He remembered the whispered promises that he would keep her safe and that he would never leave her. And even though those promises were made before her betrayal, he knew deep down that he still loved her and that she was dead because of him. He got up from kneeling on the floor to go over to sit on the bed, so lost in his grief and memories that he was alone, no matter that Daniel and Teal'c were still in the room with him.
Torture and death. He was staring at the floor again, dealing with the memories that seemed to flood through his mind. He remembered the smiles she would give him when she saw him after the long days of toiling at the tasks they had been assigned. She always seemed to be happy to see him, even though she knew he couldn't forgive her for what she did. She tried to win back his love anyway, snuggling up to him every night after their efforts to produce a child. He had shrugged away from her at first, but as time went by he just let her snuggle. What difference did it make one way or the other? He was honest with himself now to realize that he let her because he'd wanted it as much as she did.
"Jack?" Daniel said, having finally decided to butt in. Jack didn't answer his friend. What could he say? He had left his wife behind to deal with a fate worse than death. He had murdered her as effectively as if he was the one with the knife.
"Hey," Daniel tried again. "I'm sure that Taria is fine. Don't write her off yet."
Daniel didn't understand how things went down in that place, Jack realized. Balzor was not the only guard in Hulmeshur who loved to inflict pain and who wouldn't hesitate to kill if given the opportunity. Handar ruled that place with an iron thumb, even the guards knew their own limitations, but those guards were chosen for their ruthlessness and Handar would not hesitate to let them sacrifice a slave or two as examples to the others if it served his own purpose. His tactics were extremely effective and Jack truly believed that they would not have let his escape go unpunished.
"We'll find her," Daniel insisted. Jack knew better though. Taria, along with her smiles and love, was lost to him forever, except in his memories and Jack knew that with time, even those would fade. Anger moved in as he thought about his failure to find her to bring her with him. Colonel Reynolds had insisted that they didn't have time; his team was going to be slaughtered if they didn't go back through the Gate at top speed. They didn't understand Jack's reluctance to leave and Reynolds' anger took over when Jack began to fight them in their efforts to rescue him. He had personally grabbed Jack's arms to secure them behind his back in an effort to force him to go with them.
"Come on Jack, talk to me," Daniel pleaded. Teal'c came up to sit down next to Jack, but he was too upset to really pay too much attention to his friends. He had tried to go back, it was not his fault that he couldn't.
"Gallagher," Teal'c said, his voice projecting his concern. "O'Neill will do whatever it takes to find out what happened to your wife. You must have faith that we will find her."
She's dead, Jack wanted to tell them, but he kept his silence. He knew they were just trying to make him feel better, but he didn't know if he would ever survive this one. He remembered his thoughts of hatred for her during his stay in this cell and now knew that he had used those thoughts to keep him from facing his failure. General Landry had been shocked to see him being dragged back through the Gate, and was just as surprised to learn that Jack had wanted to go back. He told Jack that there was no going back to that place for anyone; in fact the planet was going to be locked out of the base's computers. Then he had been locked up in this cell, effectively cutting off any thoughts of rescuing his wife. Shame and hatred for himself washed over him as he realized that he relied on his anger at Taria to justify leaving her behind to face the torture Balzor promised would happen. He should have demanded that they let him go back.
"Can I get you something?" Daniel asked, trying another tactic to get Jack to snap out of it. Jack finally looked over at his friend, wondering why Daniel didn't just leave. "Water? Something to eat?" Daniel prompted, encouraged by the fact that Jack actually showed some interest in something other than the floor.
"I want you to leave me alone," Jack said, then went back to staring at the floor. "Both of you. Just leave."
"No," Daniel said.
"I will stay," Teal'c said just as stubbornly.
Bastards, Jack thought. He should have known they would stay with him. That was the game plan, after all. Get him to face his demons and all will be good. They'll all live happily ever after. Well, everyone but him.
He got up off the bed and walked over to the bars of the cell and leaned his head up against them, wishing he could see her one more time. He wanted to apologize for failing her, to see her smile and to hear her laughter. He wanted desperately to believe that she was still alive, but knew in his heart that he was not going to get any of those things and that he should just face it.
The irony of it all was that he had been so angry with her for her betrayal, only to find that he had betrayed her when he left her there to face her worst fear. "Son of a bitch!" he cursed, as he rammed his hand into the bars that separated the room.
"Do you feel better now?" Daniel asked from behind him. Jack couldn't answer, he just stood next to the bars as hot tears scalded his eyes. He let them fall, not even caring what his friends thought of him now. Daniel came up then and tried to comfort him with a touch, but Jack was beyond redemption. He jerked away and put more distance between them, needing to be alone.
"Leave me alone," he snarled, anger forcing the words out in a rush. "Just get the hell out of here!"
"We're not going to leave you alone," Daniel replied. "We'll all be here for you Jack. Whenever you are ready, we'll be here." With that said, he walked into the outer room and sat down at the table. Teal'c got up off of the bed, bowed his head at Jack to reinforce Daniel's statement, then walked over to the table to sit in the seat O'Neill had vacated earlier.
"I will join you in this game," Teal'c told Daniel.
Just peachy, Jack snarled silently. This was all he needed. They were not going to leave him alone. Granted, they had decided not to bother him with words anymore, but their presence in the room was still felt and Jack resented this just as much as he resented their faith in him. God save him from well-meaning friends.
He went over to the bed and lay down on it while he stared up at the upper bunk, still dealing with flashes of memories of Taria. He remembered waking up in the mornings to find her smiling at him before kissing him and pulling on his arm to make him get up before the guards found them. She had grown up in that place and had been taught all the right moves, words and techniques to keep the guards happy, which she passed on to Jack, teaching him everything she knew. Jack, however, had been raised to live free and he resisted everyone's efforts to make him a model slave, much to his wife's chagrin. She finally got her peace of mind though, when she turned him in.
This was so not good. Even though he believed with all his heart that he deserved whatever punishment those people could come up with to atone for leaving her behind, he just couldn't face the memories of the punishment he received because of her betrayal. He got up off the bed and paced in front of it, desperately trying to avoid thinking of his downfall. He had totally given in after that punishment, Handar and his guards had won. Jack had been too afraid of repeating that experience to even think of escaping again and had done his share of groveling, while doing his best to be the perfect slave so that they wouldn't notice him.
He hadn't been able to control the hatred he'd felt toward his captors, though. He hated them with every fiber of his being and he had let them know with his glares and the anger in his voice every time he uttered a word. Handar and his guards accepted this – as long as Jack cooperated with their demands, they couldn't care less whether he liked them or not. It did bother a few of the guards occasionally, but they had learned the hard way that while Jack was the model citizen, he still had a mean streak in him that would cause him to lash out every once in awhile. These outbursts were dealt with by the guards whenever Jack's anger and hatred overflowed, they still had their toys to fall back on after all, but they saved the worst punishment for escape attempts.
A knock on the door interrupted Jack's pacing and he stopped long enough to see what was going on. Daniel was at the door waiting for the guard to open it. Jack so hoped this meant that Daniel was leaving, but he had forgotten Daniel's determination when it came to helping out a friend. Daniel just spoke a few words to the guard, then turned to go back to sit down at the table, while the SF left the room. What the hell was that all about?
He glared at Daniel before going to sit down on the bed. As long as his friends left him alone, he'd be okay. Not likely, he grimaced, knowing that what he wanted and what he was going to get were two different things. He remembered how Daniel's logic broke through Jack's anguish and suicidal thoughts while on that first mission to Abydos, despite Jack's determination to not let him in. It had turned Jack's life around. And that was before Daniel had become a close friend. Jack just knew that Daniel was going to hound him to death.
And then there was O'Neill. Jack was honest enough with himself to realize that O'Neill was the bigger threat, the greater danger. Of all his friends, O'Neill was the one who worried him the most. That guy not only knew Jack better than anyone else, he also had access to Jack's mind, knowing what he was thinking and why he was behaving the way he was. Worse yet, O'Neill knew what tactics to use to break through the wall Jack had built up around himself and he was terrified that O'Neill was going to be successful in getting him to face his worst fears.
His worst fears included the memory of the agony he experienced when he had been caught and his anger grew as he realized that Taria would be facing that punishment. He just knew that they had put her through it to punish her for his escape. God, he hoped not. He wouldn't even wish that on a certain Goa'uld named Ba'al and Lord knows how much Jack hated Ba'al. But the thought of the woman he had grown to love during his internment as a slave going through something Jack wouldn't even wish on his worst enemy had him trembling in fear as flashes of memories flowed through his mind.
Focus on something else Jack, he commanded. Don't give in to those memories. He tried to listen instead to Daniel and Teal'c as they talked quietly amongst themselves. Oh great, he thought, as he overheard Daniel telling Teal'c what Jack was like when they had first met. This meant that Daniel was well aware of Jack's anguish and was probably already devising a plan of attack. This was all he needed.
What Daniel didn't realize was that Jack wanted to keep himself in the prison of turmoil he was hiding out in. He had left his wife behind to suffer a punishment that had driven him to the brink of insanity. There was no excuse for what he had done and he truly believed he should suffer. It was just a matter of convincing the others to leave him to his depression.
He looked down at the rock in his hand, the stone that he had tried to carve a bell into. Taria always had it with her, keeping it as a reminder of happier times between them. How did it end up here at the SGC? He continued to stare at the stone as memories of the night before he was rescued played out in his mind.
Taria had been snuggling up to him, with her head on his shoulder, as they lay on the bed that they shared. He had been trying to sleep, but his wife had other ideas. She was restless that night and he knew from experience that there would be no sleep for him when she was restless. "Go to sleep," he growled at her in the darkness. "We have a long day tomorrow."
She didn't respond, which was good as far as Jack was concerned. He really wasn't up to trying to be civil to her. He brought his head up to see what she was up to when she put something down on his chest. It was the stone that he had given to her a few weeks after they had been 'married'. He brought his gaze to look into her face to see what she was thinking, but she was staring at the rock. What the hell?
"Do you remember when you gave me this?" Taria asked, the tremble in her voice telling Jack that she was dealing with some sadness.
"Yeah," he responded warily.
"You were telling me about the rituals the people of your world go through when two people are united in marriage." She picked up the rock and turned to look at him with a small smile. "You told me that I would have to make do with a bell, as a ring would have been taken from me the minute I put it on."
Jack couldn't help the small smile that graced his features. He remembered her happiness that he would even do something like that for her and she had promised she would never lose it. "It's just a rock, for crying out loud," he told her, too tired to even try to figure out why it was important to him that she still had that rock. He had treated her so badly over the past six months, why did she continue to love him?
"You loved me once, Jack," she said, as she laid her head back down on his shoulder. "It's all I have to remind me of that love."
Jack didn't respond to that, he just lay there in the dark and stared up at the ceiling of the place he was forced to call home. Times like these made it hard for him to hate her and he wondered, not for the first time, if he had already forgiven her, just too stubborn to admit it. He gave into the urge to hug her and he held her tightly, before saying, "Go to sleep, Taria." She nodded and he lay awake for a long time afterwards.
Daniel brought Jack back to the present by coming over to sit down next to him on the bed. "I've asked the SF to let me know the minute SG-3 gets back from their latest mission. I'll find out from Patterson where he got that thing," he continued, pointing at the rock Jack held in his hand. "Will you tell me what it means?"
Jack stared at the rock, wishing it was big enough for him to bash Daniel's head in. Why couldn't that guy just leave him alone? "Marital bliss," he said, hoping to pacify the man long enough to get rid of him.
Daniel wasn't the type to cooperate, it seems. "Seriously?" he asked, his eyes shining with delight. "That could be a tradition they brought with them from Earth." He stopped then and looked out toward the outer room before bringing his gaze back to Jack. "Jack… I'm sorry. I know how hard it is to deal with this loss, but I have to tell you that you may be jumping the gun here. She may still be alive and if she is, we will find her and bring her back here."
"She's dead Daniel," Jack snarled at his friend. "Don't you get it? They won't let her live. They have to set an example for the other slaves." He stopped and glared at Daniel, before adding, "She's dead."
"I didn't give up on Sha're so easily," Daniel said quietly.
"It's not the same thing and you know it."
"Maybe," Daniel said softly, "But then again it doesn't matter because you've already written her off. She must not have meant a whole lot to you."
"Who the hell do you think you are?" Jack yelled, standing up to loom over the archeologist. "You have no idea what she meant to me and for you to sit there…"
"You hated her," Teal'c spoke up. He was standing in the doorway of the cell, ready and willing to step in if necessary. "You have told us this repeatedly."
Jack just stood there staring at Teal'c. His friends were ganging up on him. He knew it the moment Teal'c spoke up and he knew that he didn't stand a chance when they ganged up on him. "Get the hell out of here," he shouted at them. "I don't need this, okay? Just… get… out!"
The stubborn bastards didn't move. They were both determined to help him and Jack knew that they were in it for the long haul. He glared at them one more time before going to sit down on the floor in a corner of the cell, hoping to find a place where he could be alone. His anger seemed to be boiling over as he stared at the people who were determined to break him. "I never said I hated her," he growled.
Teal'c nodded to acknowledge the words, while Daniel stared at him with a thoughtful expression. Jack just wanted to get away. If he could just find someplace where he could be by himself, he could work through this. He resented the intrusions, but finding a way past those intrusions was not going to be easy, especially when he had his friends to deal with.
Jack closed his eyes at that thought. He was so doomed.