Daniel and Teal'c had respectfully kept their distance from Jack's corner of the cell. He was sitting there with his eyes closed and his head leaned back against the wall, trying to justify his self-hatred. This solitude didn't last though, and he opened his eyes when he heard the door open. It had to be either Carter or O'Neill coming to torment him and anger swelled through him as he sat there with his fists clenched. Why wouldn't they just leave him alone?
It was Carter, he realized, as he heard the murmur of her voice when she spoke with Daniel and Teal'c. He didn't turn to look toward her though, hoping that if he ignored her, she would leave him alone.
"Gallagher?" she said, dashing his hopes into a thousand pieces, while she came over to sit down next to him on the floor. "I'm sorry about Taria. I know how much you cared for her."
"Thanks," he responded curtly.
"I've put in a call to the Tok'ra and the Asgard to ask them for help in finding her for you." She tilted her head to the side, trying to get him to look at her. "They'll find her."
If only that were possible, he thought dejectedly. He brought his knees up so that he could put his chin down on his crossed arms, while he stared out at the wall on the opposite side of the cell. He was determined to ignore her.
"Can I get you anything?" she asked. He could tell that she was definitely uneasy with his silence, which was what he wanted. Now if she would only take the hint that he wanted her out of his sight, he'd be one happy camper.
"Will you please talk to me?" she prompted. "Please?"
He never could ignore her when she begged, so he turned his head to give her his full attention. "What do you want me to say?" he asked.
"Well," she said, with a look on her face that said she was even more uncomfortable now that he had decided to talk to her. "Tell me about Taria."
"There's nothing more to tell," he responded, as he turned his gaze back to the wall on the far side of the room.
"Yes there is," she said determinedly. She was gearing up for a fight, but Jack had thirty years of hiding from the pain similar to what was pouring into his soul. It was too hard to tell anyone what he was thinking or feeling, mainly because he knew no one else could possibly understand the ache and the anger coursing through his veins. They would say something that was meant to make him feel better, and then expect a response that told them their tactics worked. Some petty words from him to ease their concern and to make them feel better that they had 'helped' him. If they only knew they were just making things worse.
"You said she loved to laugh," Carter continued to speak, still trying to break through his silence. "She must have been a ray of sunshine for you."
"Yeah," he responded bitterly. Life was determined to kick him in the gut and it seemed that Carter was going to help it out. He continued to stare out at the other wall, seething with resentment as he waited for her to leave. He wanted them all out, but apparently his wishes meant nothing to these people.
"Why are you so angry with us?" Carter finally got up the nerve to ask. "How could I have prevented this? Daniel, Teal'c and I had nothing to do with any of this, yet here you are taking it out on us."
"You're here, aren't you?" Jack growled, deciding to make an effort to force her to understand, knowing deep down she wouldn't understand anymore than Sara did. "All I need is to be left alone so that I can sort through this, but will you guys let me? No. Not even for a minute. I'm stuck here with my 'well-meaning friends', forced to pretend that everything is hunky dory when in reality it isn't." Damn it, now Carter had that hurt look on her face, adding guilt to his already growing list of things to make him feel like an ass. "Taria is dead," he continued, as his eyes grew moist thinking of his loss. "She's dead, Carter."
"Torture and death," Daniel said, as he came over to join them on the floor. Teal'c, apparently not wanting to be left out, sat down next to Carter. Panic took over as Jack realized that his appeals for peace were largely being ignored. "What will they do to her?" Daniel asked, genuinely wanting to know.
A whole hell of a lot, Jack thought, as he glared at the far wall.
"Gallagher?" Teal'c prompted when Jack didn't respond, but Jack wasn't going to cooperate. He jumped up from his spot on the floor and walked over to the bed, eyeing his companions warily.
"What part of 'alone' don't you guys understand?" he asked, as he stood by the bed as far from them as he could get. His friends didn't get up to follow him, but they continued to sit there watching him carefully. "I won't fall apart this time," he insisted, knowing exactly what they were thinking. "I refuse to give into the flashbacks." No one spoke, but they continued to watch him and this alone was making him nervous. "Please, just leave me alone for awhile. Please?"
"I wish only to help you," Teal'c said, from his seat on the floor. "I admit that I do not know what you were like before we met, but I do know that you are an honorable man. You would not have left your wife if you had the chance to save her."
"But I did," Jack responded softly. He still couldn't get past the horror of what he had done.
"Was it your intention to leave her there?" Teal'c asked, apparently trying a different approach.
"No," Jack spat out. "I tried to go back for her. They wouldn't let me."
"Perhaps the reason you failed is that you did not want to go back for her," Teal'c said, his expression giving away nothing of what he was feeling. No condemnation or anything, just stating a thought.
"Teal'c!" Daniel exclaimed, while Jack just stood there as his anger dissolved into shock. How could Teal'c think such a thing? But then again, why wouldn't he think that? Jack had been trying to convince himself that he didn't care about Taria ever since he had been locked up in this cell. Teal'c just saw his anger and made an assumption, although Teal'c should know by now not to take things so literally.
"You were angry with her and had told us this repeatedly," Teal'c went on, as he got up off of the floor. "Perhaps you wanted to leave her there."
Jack still didn't respond to Teal'c's accusation. Maybe the man was right. Taria would have served as a reminder to all that he had wanted to leave behind. Memories of the fear, the agony and the hatred would have eventually faded away, but Taria's presence would have kept them fresh. Maybe this was why he didn't kill Reynolds so that he could go back for her.
"Well, I for one don't believe it," Carter said, as she got up and came over to stand near him.
"Neither do I," Daniel agreed. "You loved her, didn't you?"
"Yes," Jack said quietly, having finally found his voice. And he did love her. She had been there for him even after he had turned on her, making her life even more miserable than was possible. He turned away from his friends as he tried to reconcile his thoughts as to whether or not he left her there on purpose.
"Gallagher," Carter said, as she came up to him and grabbed his arms to force him to look at her. "Did you want to leave her behind?"
He brought his gaze up to hers and stared into blue eyes that were so much like Taria's. "No," he replied, as he realized that he would never have wanted Taria to go through any kind of torture, no matter how angry he was at her. "No," he said again, his voice stronger this time. "I would never have willingly left her or anyone else behind."
"Then that's what counts," she said, giving him an encouraging smile. "In the meantime, we'll do everything we can to find her. We just have to wait for the Asgard to contact us."
"Sounds good," Jack responded, knowing that this was what she wanted to hear. He sent her a weak smile, hoping she would take it for the lie that it was, then moved to sit down on the bed. "I'm a little tired," he added, looking for an excuse to send them away. "I'm just going to lie down for awhile, maybe take a nap."
"Uh… sure," Carter replied, the uncomfortable look back on her face. "We'll just let you sleep. I'll be in the outer room if you want to talk, or if you need something. Okay?"
"Yeah," he responded, not quite sure why he did. So much for ignoring her, he thought.
"Gallagher," Teal'c said, his features finally showing some emotion. "It was not my intention to upset you further. I was merely trying to help you understand your actions. I am in agreement with Colonel Carter and Daniel Jackson in that I do not believe you would have deliberately left your wife behind."
"Thanks," Jack replied, with a nod. "I appreciate it." There really wasn't anything else he could add to that, so he sat there on his bed waiting for his friends to follow through on their efforts to leave him the hell alone.
Teal'c bowed his head at Jack's words, then followed Daniel and Carter out to the outer room. They sat down at the table, quietly talking amongst themselves, and Jack had to admit that he was glad they were there, even as he fervently wanted them gone. Their mumbles kept the silence away, which was a good thing.
O'Neill showed up sometime later pushing a cart that was loaded with trays of food. "Look what I confiscated," he crowed, as he pushed the cart over to the table. "I figured it would be easier to carry all this food on this thing since you guys weren't around to help me." This last was said with a hint of accusation, and Carter immediately set out to apologize.
"Sorry about that," she said, with a sheepish smile. "I came to see if I could help Gallagher."
"Will I be allowed to go topside?" Jack spoke up from his bed. Everyone turned toward him, their surprise evident in their expressions.
"Actually," O'Neill said, with what could only be described as a guilty look. "I forgot to ask."
"I want out of here," Jack insisted. "I am still a prisoner and I haven't done anything to warrant this kind of treatment. You have no right to keep me locked up."
"Where would you go?" O'Neill asked,
"My house," Jack responded in a rush. "It has its qualities, privacy being at the top of the list."
"No," O'Neill said, as he turned his back on Jack and began transferring some of the trays from the cart to the table.
"What do you mean, no?" Jack asked in a voice that was filled with the promise of extreme violence.
"N-o," O'Neill spelled. "It means that you are not going to get what you want. You are way better off here, so here you will stay."
"I want out of here, O'Neill," Jack said menacingly. He got up from his seat on the bed and walked out of the cell toward his counterpart. He tried to sidestep around Teal'c, who had decided to put himself in Jack's way, but it was apparent that Teal'c was not going to let him pass. "Move it, Teal'c," he growled.
O'Neill saved him from having to hurt Teal'c by walking around the Jaffa and facing Jack head on. "I am not going to let you out of here until I am absolutely positive that you won't head straight for the nearest gun so that you can blow your brains out," O'Neill announced with determination.
"I won't blow my brains out," Jack insisted, surprised that O'Neill would think such a thing. The fact that the thought had crossed his mind meant nothing, at least not yet.
"I hope not," O'Neill responded. "I swore – we swore that we would never go through that again."
Jack was floored. He stood there in shock as he realized what O'Neill was saying. Grief came close to destroying him when his son had died and he had nearly taken out an entire civilization with a nuclear bomb to atone for the sin of not being there when Charlie had found that gun.
"It would be just me, Jack," he said quietly, hoping to convey that he would never again entertain the thought of hurting anyone else in an effort to take his own life.
"Which is exactly why you are going to be staying here for a while longer," O'Neill responded with determination. "Hey, check this out," he added, his whole demeanor changing within a heartbeat. "Sometimes being a General pays out big time." He removed the lid off of a tray with a dramatic flair and announced, "Ribs! I just hope I am long gone from here when Landry finds out," he added, his smile dimming just a bit. "He'll probably try to take the price of these babies out of the Homeland Security budget."
"Nice," Gallagher said, impressed despite himself. He had bigger issues though, and he squared his shoulders as he said, "I am tired of being a prisoner. I'll swear on everything I own that I won't try to kill myself. I just need to get out of here."
"Tell me what happened when Taria betrayed you and you'll be out of here within a couple of days," O'Neill replied. "We've got salad and everything here. Come on, dig in."
Jack didn't move. Neither did Teal'c, who had apparently read him correctly. Jack was extremely close to killing O'Neill and he clenched his fists as he fought off his impulses. He could feel intense rage racing through his veins, but he knew that if he acted out on those impulses, Teal'c and Daniel would have him in those restraints faster than he could spit.
"Okay then," Jack said, as calmly as he could while he tried a different tactic to get the solitude he so desperately wanted. "I'll stay here, but I just need some space to work through this. Come on, Jack. I just need to be alone for awhile." O'Neill didn't respond right away, and the minutes ticked by while Jack waited for his counterpart to say something.
"I'll think about it," O'Neill finally said, as he turned toward the table, effectively dismissing the subject.
Anger roiled in Jack's gut as he stared at O'Neill's back. "Well hell. Don't I feel special?" he snarled, causing O'Neill to turn back toward him, his own anger evident in his face. "I'll be waiting anxiously for your decision while you 'think about it', General!"
"Come and get some of this while it's still warm," Carter spoke up, obviously trying to smooth things over.
"I'm not hungry," Jack responded, as he continued to glare at O'Neill.
"Look," O'Neill said, reaching over to put his hand on Jack's arm, which Jack angrily snatched away, "I'll arrange for us to get out of here for awhile, but we will be staying on base. It's the best I can do, okay?" It was not okay, but Jack considered this a victory of sorts, so he nodded his head warily. "Come on," O'Neill insisted. "I know you like ribs. Dig in."
"It looks delicious," Daniel said, as he began to load up his plate. "Hey Sam, looks like Jack brought us some desserts. Two guesses on what he brought."
Carter responded with a few guesses, but Jack really wasn't interested in the small talk. He turned back toward his bed, flopping down on it when he reached it and threw his arm over his eyes. He was well and truly stuck in this cell and those people over there were intent on making things better for him. All he needed was to get out of this place.
"Hey," he heard O'Neill say as he pulled up a chair to sit down next to the bed. "In all the excitement of having ribs for dinner, I forgot to ask how you are holding up."
Jack sighed before pulling his arm away from his eyes so that he could look at his counterpart. He ended up on one elbow, staring at the only person in the room with the power to free him. "You of all people should know why I need to get out of here, Jack," he said, as he stared into O'Neill's eyes. "I just need some time." It didn't even matter that he was begging now. He had to find some place where he could deal with the whole thing.
"What will you do if you are allowed to leave here?" O'Neill asked, his expression telling Jack nothing of what he was thinking. He didn't have to; Jack already knew that O'Neill was thinking Jack was going to head straight for a gun to pay for his role in Taria's death.
"I was not responsible for Taria's death," Jack answered with conviction. "This is not the same as with Charlie. I didn't kill her." He had come to terms with his guilt and realized that it wasn't his fault. Reynolds was a different story, however, and Jack had spent some time working out a scenario to kill that bastard, or at least kick his ass all over the galaxy.
O'Neill didn't respond right away, he just looked down at his hands and Jack could see him emotionally wrestling with something. When he looked back up though, his expression showed nothing of his own turmoil. "I'm glad to hear that, although I do have to wonder if you are telling me the truth just to get your way." He stopped speaking for a moment as he stared at Jack with a calculating look, then went on, "Tell me about that stone."
"What stone?" Jack asked carefully. He had a new agenda now and that was to convince O'Neill that not only was he sane, but he was well enough to leave this place. He was not the basket case these people encountered when he'd first arrived on base, in fact he was much stronger emotionally, as well as physically.
"The one Daniel gave you," O'Neill responded quietly. He gestured toward the outer room where Daniel, Carter and Teal'c were standing around the table watching the events unfold in the cell and resentment built up in Jack's heart. Now he was a freak show.
"It's just a rock," Jack said stubbornly.
"Tell me about it," O'Neill insisted.
Jack had a couple of options here, but he knew that if he was going to convince O'Neill that he was finally well enough to get out of this cell, he would have to come face to face with his past. With this in mind, Jack sat up on the bed and leaned against the wall, gathering up the strength to get this over with. He reached into his pocket to pull out the stone, turning it in his hand as he contemplated the words he would have to speak.
O'Neill sat quietly waiting for the story of the rock, while Carter came over tentatively, with a questioning look on her face. Jack nodded at her and she smiled before sitting down on the bed next to him.
"It's just a rock," Jack said again, as he geared up to tell them about the wedding present he had given to his wife. Daniel came over and nudged Carter to get her to move over so that he could sit down next to her, while Teal'c pulled up another chair and sat down next to O'Neill. There was no way he could jump up and run even if he wanted to, and he couldn't help but wonder if this was their intention.
"Taria and I rarely had a few minutes alone, other than when we went to bed at night," Jack began, as he stared at the rock. His mind took him back to the early days of his imprisonment and he smiled as he remembered Taria running over to give him a hug. "Taria was so beautiful. Her eyes were like yours," he said as he looked at Carter. "They were as blue as the sky and full of life." He shrugged, then with a sheepish grin said, "Too poetic, huh?"
"No, not at all," Carter said, as she leaned over to touch his arm. "Thank you."
He smiled back at her, then turned his attention back to the stone as he realized that he was never going to see his wife's smile ever again. "It was during one of the rare times when we were allowed to work in the same area. We were both assigned to work on clearing an irrigation ditch and I was telling her about the rituals we go through when someone gets married." The symbol on the stone seemed to call out to him and Jack began tracing the etching as he continued his story, "I told her about the flowers, the rings and the wedding bells. She was fascinated, to say the least."
"Are you going to tell me that this is not the archeological find of the century?" Daniel asked. Jack stopped reminiscing to look over at Daniel, whose expression told of his disappointment.
"Yeah," he responded, actually feeling bad for breaking Daniel's bubble. "I etched that bell into the rock. I'm reasonably sure the Archeological Society won't be so interested in a rock I tried to carve a bell into."
"Why a bell?" Carter asked.
"She had never heard of a bell and I had a hard time trying to explain it to her." He stopped at that and held up his hand, palm up with the stone in the middle to give his friends a better look at it. "So I drew one for her in the dirt. I could tell that it was just a picture for her, so I left it at that. Not to mention that Balzor, one of the guards, came by and threatened to beat the crap out of us both if we didn't shut up and keep working." This was said with a grim smile, before continuing, "But I had found this stone and I figured that I would carve a bell into the flat surface to give to her as a present."
"The stone belonged to Taria?" O'Neill asked, with an unreadable expression on his face.
"Yeah," Jack responded warily. Something in O'Neill's voice put Jack on edge and he wondered what was going through the old man's mind. It couldn't be good. "I figured that the guards wouldn't take a rock away from her. And she was so happy when I gave it to her. She swore she would never lose it," he said, as he wondered once again how it ended up in the SGC. "I worked on that every chance I could get, which wasn't often, but I managed to carve on that thing during meal times and during the few times I was allowed to sit for a minute."
"She gave it to Patterson," O'Neill said quietly, causing Jack to jerk his head up to look at him.
"What?" he finally said. This was not possible, Taria had it the night before he had been rescued, telling him in her own way that she was going to keep it with her forever. O'Neill took a few minutes to answer and Jack's pulse began to race as a myriad of emotions roiled through his mind. "What do you mean she gave it to Patterson?"
"I took the opportunity to read the mission reports," O'Neill replied. "From what I gather, they had a hard time finding someone who had the guts to tell them where to find you. One woman finally came up to help." He stopped to give Jack a forlorn look before saying what Jack was afraid he would say, "She told them where to find you. She gave Patterson that stone saying she wouldn't need it any more."
Jack didn't respond. He couldn't. He was trying to wrap his mind around the whole issue of Taria putting herself into harm's way by helping him to escape. She was the reason their first escape attempt failed and here she was helping him, knowing what her fate would be if he did escape without her. "No," he finally said, his mind refusing to let him believe it.
"The woman wasn't described in any of the reports," O'Neill went on, "But if that stone was hers, it stands to reason…"
"No," Jack said, a little more forcibly.
"She knew what would happen to her if you escaped," Carter said, her voice trembling slightly as she realized the horror of what was unfolding. "But she helped them anyway. She must have really loved you."
"Yeah," Jack said automatically. He was still in shock at what he had learned. Taria had helped him and now she was dead because he wasn't strong enough to go back for her. He held the stone tightly in his fist as he pulled his knees up to his chest and wrapped his arms around them. Maybe he wasn't strong enough for anything.