Summary: To be or not to be, that is the question. AU end of season 3.
Disclaimer: These characters are not mine. They are the creation of Amy Sherman-Palladino.
Author's notes: Many thanks to NicoleMack for her excellent beta-ing.
Part One: To be…
It began with a grumpy diner proprietor, an annoying woman desperate for coffee and a horoscope. The story of Luke and Lorelai was not one of love at first sight, or even second sight. It started with irritation, grudging acceptance followed, and slowly a friendship developed. For many years there was friendship and nothing more: Luke liked Lorelai and Lorelai liked Luke. Though precisely what they felt for each other was anyone's guess.
The Stars Hollow townsfolk had debated this very point for many hours behind their respective closed doors without reaching any definitive conclusions. The general opinion though, was that eventually Lorelai and Luke would get together, and more than one person thought the first time would be on a table, like in Bull Durham (head theorist: Sookie St James). In fact, at that point, Lorelai probably could not even begin to classify exactly what her feelings were for Luke. And Luke, well, he'd become a world class champion of denial.
So for a long time, they were friends and only friends. And then they weren't. Kind of like in 'When Harry Met Sally', without the sex (damn it). Because Lorelai had a daughter, called Rory, and Luke had a nephew named Jess and they were both in a car accident. The end result was one broken arm, one nephew shipped back to his mother, one epic fight, four (or a million, depending on who you believe) apologies and one Lorelai Gilmore ignored by one Luke Danes. And so, for a while, Luke and Lorelai were not friends, and Luke's arctic behavior almost precipitated the next ice age.
Depending on your perspective, cue the villain music or inspiring heroic overture and enter Christopher Hayden, father of Rory and absent for most of her life (Finding himself? Deadbeat? Your call). Lorelai had spent years waiting for him to grow up (although given his age he really should have finished maturing a long time ago), dreaming of a 'real family' consisting of mother, father, daughter, matching jogging suits; Volvo optional. So when Christopher (sort of) broke up with his girlfriend and (definitely) slept with Lorelai, she thought this was it: this was the whole package. But Christopher's ex-girlfriend was pregnant, so Lorelai and Rory were left alone (again). Then Jess returned, Lorelai moved to put Chris behind her once and for all and Luke and Lorelai were friends again.
The story of Luke and Lorelai becomes somewhat obscured at this point by that common curse: the teen love triangle (see also: Dawson's Creek). What was apparent, was that although their friendship had returned, they were still no closer to any kind of Bull Durham related table activity. Lorelai was busy dealing with Christopher related fallout, ex-fiancé Max related fallout and dating Alex, a man who was apparently so memorable that even Lorelai failed to remember him a month later. Meanwhile Luke was occupied with trying to control the poor man's James Dean (aka Jess) and dating a woman who was perhaps a little on the bland side of the spectrum, lawyer Nicole "I like cheese" Leahy.
As the year progressed, Jess left Stars Hollow behind and allowed us to bid him so long, farewell, auf weidersehen, good-bye (Von Trapp Family singers an optional extra). By the time of Rory's graduation, Alex had disappeared without a trace, though Nicole was regrettably still present. With summer looming, Luke and Lorelai would be further apart than ever before, with Lorelai in Europe with Rory and Luke on a cruise with Nicole.
For seven years there had been moments and near misses and unacknowledged opportunities, each of them in their own way a fork in the road, the eternal question of whether it was 'to be or not to be'. Each time that fork had led down the road of friendship…it was not to be. And so, on the day of Rory's graduation, it came down to this: Luke and Lorelai had a conversation, and Luke hoped for a sign, any sign, that Lorelai felt anything other than friendship for him. Luke told her he was having second thoughts about the cruise with Nicole, and asked Lorelai whether she thought it was okay for him to go…considering everything. In return she replied:
"Yeah, I do."
It wasn't the answer he was hoping for. Yet again it seemed that it was not to be.
But maybe, this time it was.
The words of his conversation with Lorelai echoed in Luke's mind as he drove back towards Stars Hollow following Rory's graduation. Good one, Danes, he thought to himself, a bitter knot of barely acknowledged disappointment developing in his gut as he considered her words. What exactly had he been hoping Lorelai would say? Had he been hoping she would ask him not to go? Not a chance in hell of that happening. He received exactly the answer he'd subconsciously known she would give.
When Nicole first proposed the idea of going on a cruise a month or two ago, he had not been particularly keen on the idea. He was a small town guy. He liked to be in his comfort zone and Stars Hollow was that zone. But Nicole had persisted and they were getting on well and in the end he agreed to go. He enjoyed spending time with her and thought that maybe, given enough time, there could be a future for them. Which was fine in theory, until Lorelai brought up Love Boats and proposals and he was hit with a sudden fear that Nicole was going to be expecting things that he wasn't ready for. Commitment, marriage… change. He didn't do any better with change than he did with travel.
Change was unsettling and disturbing and where change applied to him anyway, it was never a change for the better. So he went to the graduation still undecided about whether he would take the trip. After all, why risk taking things to the next level with Nicole when he wasn't sure it was a level he could commit to anyway? When he asked Lorelai that question, he honestly couldn't have explained what impulse had possessed him to speak about it to her. But then, when it came to him and Lorelai, little really ever made sense. What he did know now was how disappointed he had felt when she told him to go.
Luke sighed in frustration as he drove into the alley behind the diner and parked the truck. He gave brief thought to helping Caesar with the afternoon rush, but in the end sought the solitude of his apartment upstairs. Walking into the bathroom, he quickly changed out of the uncomfortable formal wear he so rarely wore and once more donned his familiar flannelled attire. Then he bent over the basin, tossing water across his face before reaching for a towel. As he dried his face, Luke stared solemnly at the reflection in the mirror. He saw a well worn face in need of a shave. A receding hairline and tired eyes completed the unappealing picture. The sarcastic thought echoed in his mind: yeah, he was a real catch all right. He was almost forty, still wearing the same kind of flannel he had worn seven years earlier; still looking in the same mirror as he had seven years ago; about to go down to do the same work in the same diner as he had for the last seven years. Seven years since he had first met Lorelai and not a damn thing had changed. He looked old and what was more, he felt old. Life was passing him by and if he didn't do something about it he would be seventy and still staring into this same mirror, alone and lonely without a single person to care whether he lived or died. It was a depressing thought.
Looking away from the reflection, Luke left the bathroom and crossed to the fridge to pull out a beer, twisting off the cap as he sat down at the table. He gripped the chilly neck of the bottle and took a swig, before setting it back down. Staring solemnly at the drops of condensation that slid down the glass before pooling on the table, Luke felt the weight of the day's events, and the weight of years of unfulfilled expectation settling over him. He wasn't given to feeling sorry for himself, but today he felt like wallowing. Today, it seemed like it was the end of whatever slim hope he had held onto that Lorelai felt something for him other than friendship.
As he took another swig of beer, Luke considered the question that he had asked Lorelai again. Do you think it's okay…you know…considering everything. He couldn't deny the sharp disappointment he had felt when she told him to go. The truth was that he asked that question because he wanted Lorelai to tell him to stay. But when it came to Lorelai Gilmore however, he was never going to get the answer he was looking for. Seven years and all of those times when he could have said something and it still came down to this: he wouldn't say what he truly wanted to say and she never understood the question he was trying to ask her.
In many ways he really only had himself to blame. He'd just never discovered the way to get any further than friendship with Lorelai. A few times, years ago now, he tried to ask her out, but the timing never seemed right and in the end there was always an excuse to chicken out. He spent years trying to deny it; trying to pretend it didn't exist, but really it was something he'd always known. He wanted Lorelai, not as a friend, but as much more than that. And although he strained to find a flicker of doubt or restraint in Lorelai's words during their last conversation, they hadn't been there. It was time to put that confusing relationship into the light it always had been and always would be: plain and simple friendship. Lorelai Gilmore wanted a guy like Max, or most probably a guy like Christopher…but she had never wanted Luke Danes and it seemed she never would. She wanted his friendship and nothing more than that and it was time to face that fact.
Luke's gaze fell on Jess' abandoned bed for a moment and he stood up, crossing to sit down heavily on the couch to avoid looking at that symbol of his other great failure. The truth was depressing: he was failing. He was so tired of it: tired of failing to share his feelings with Lorelai, tired of failing with Jess. Tired of hoping for things that would never happen. He wanted more than the daily grind of running the diner and nights filled with reminders of those who had left him behind, or who had never been his at all.
Luke slowly drank the beer, running over the last few years of his life dispassionately in his mind. It wasn't a bad life, really, but it could certainly be better. By the time he drained the last few drops from the bottle, he had reached a conclusion of sorts. He wanted more than what he had. It was time to stop hoping for things that wouldn't happen and go after the things that were possible. Nicole wanted him. He wasn't entirely sure why, but she did. While he couldn't exactly say he was madly in love with her as he had been with Rachel all those years ago, it still felt real. It felt safe. Most importantly, it felt like something that was within his grasp. So now the question was, what was he willing to do about it?
He could start by going on the cruise with Nicole, for one thing. Who cared about proposals and Love Boats? He would go and he would have a good time and forget about Stars Hollow and all of its residents for a few weeks and actually make an effort for once. And as he sat there, seriously considering the future for the first time in a long time, Lorelai's mocking about proposals suddenly didn't seem like a joke anymore. It really was the ultimate way to move on. Was he ready to ask Nicole to marry him? He found it hard to imagine himself holding out a ring and asking that question.
Moving over towards his safe, Luke spun the combination rapidly and reached to the back to pull out the jewelry box that had been sitting there for many years now. Returning to the couch, Luke opened the box and stared at the ring nestled there. It was his mother's ring, although it belonged to Liz now. It had never really been to Liz's taste and she left it behind when she left all those years ago, though he assumed she would be back to get it one day. He stared at the ring, trying to imagine himself going into a shop and picking one out for Nicole. He tried to imagine giving her that ring and asking her that question. Was he really ready for marriage? A feeling of panic coursed through him and Luke snapped the box shut with a sigh. No, maybe he wasn't ready for marriage yet. But he would go on the cruise, and have a good time with Nicole and maybe when they got back he'd be ready to go shopping for a ring and be ready to ask that question. At the very least, he would stop hoping in vain for things he would never get.
A sudden crash of dishes down below in the diner snapped Luke out of his reverie. Perhaps leaving Caesar alone with the afternoon rush hadn't been very wise after all. Pushing himself up from the couch, Luke moved towards the door. He dropped the ring box on the kitchen table as he passed by and then headed downstairs.
The bell above the door to the diner rang one last time several hours later as the final customers of the day departed. Luke locked the door behind them before turning back to clear away the remaining dishes from the tables. He was crossing to the counter when he heard a tapping on the door. Turning around to gesture to the 'CLOSED' sign on the door, he saw that it was Lorelai peering through the open blinds. Frowning in confusion, he crossed rapidly to the door and opened it, standing aside to allow Lorelai to enter. She was holding two food laden bags from Doose's and he inwardly groaned when he considered how much junk food those two bags were likely to contain.
"What's up?" he asked curiously. "Aren't you and Rory supposed to be on a plane getting ready to annoy some European cafe owner rather than me?"
"Hi Luke, so nice to see you're missing us already," Lorelai responded as she brushed past him and dumped the bags onto a table. "We don't head out until tomorrow night and Lane is having some sort of crisis that she wants to consult Rory on. I left them holed up in Rory's room having a council of war and went in search of supplies." Lorelai gestured to the bags before continuing, "For once I'm not here for coffee, though I'm sure I could be persuaded if some kindly person were to offer some. Actually, Rory was looking for her copy of Anna Karenina. She wants to take it while we're traveling but she thinks Jess may have had it. Is there any chance we could take a look upstairs?"
Luke stiffened momentarily at the mention of Jess, but nodded in response to Lorelai's query. Jess had left a pile of junk behind that he hadn't had the heart to pack up yet, so it was quite likely the book was there. "Yeah, he did leave a bunch of stuff. Come on up and I'll see if I can find it."
He walked up the stairs to his apartment, and opened the door for Lorelai. As she passed by him, he gestured to a box sitting on a chair. "You check out there, I'll check near his bed."
He made his way over to the pile of books that had been a constant fixture beside Jess' bed in the months that he had lived there and began to sort through them. He could hear Lorelai rummaging through the box, but she apparently came up empty as she gave up the search and wandered off elsewhere. As she did so, she called across to him curiously. "So Luke, when are you heading off for the cruise?"
Only half paying attention to her question, Luke replied distractedly, "In about a week. Nicole is calling with final details later tonight." He trailed off as he spotted the rogue book. "There it is."
Lorelai was standing a foot away from the table with her back to him and he crossed to her, holding out the book. She didn't seem to notice though and he realized her gaze was fixed on the jewelry box on the kitchen table. Damn it, he had forgotten about that. Setting the book on the table he reached forward to grab the box, but he was beaten by Lorelai, who picked it up and waved it in his direction.
"Hey Luke, is it Nicole's birthday or something? Was the Chat Club closed, so you graduated to jewelry instead? I'm impressed. I hope your present shopping skills have improved though, cause there's nothing worse than…"
Her words faded as she opened the box and he watched the expression on her face change abruptly when she saw the ring inside.
"Luke, what is this?" she asked, the shock evident in her voice.
"Nothing," he said gruffly, moving towards her to try to pull the box from her grasp.
Lorelai held the box firmly in her hand however and moved further away from him. "Does this mean what I think it means?" she asked, looking up at him, her next words seeming more of a statement than a question. "You're going to propose to Nicole."
Embarrassed by his earlier musings on that very subject, and unwilling to explain himself to Lorelai of all people, he shrugged halfheartedly and waited stoically for the mocking to commence. It never did though and Lorelai seemed perfectly serious as she stared at him in silence.
"Lorelai?" Luke questioned uncertainly, unable to decipher the significance of her response. But then she snapped out of whatever trance she had been in and closed the box before tightening her hand around it. Shaking it in his direction, she burst out abruptly, "Luke, have you lost your mind?"
"What?" he asked in bewilderment.
"A few hours ago you were saying that going on a cruise was too much commitment and now suddenly you're going to propose? What happened? Did you spend one too many hours in Kirk's company and finally go completely and utterly insane?"
Stung by her words Luke retorted, "Well I changed my mind, okay?"
Lorelai's words almost ran together as she threw back them at him, "No, it's not okay. You can't do this, I won't let you."
"Let me?" he asked, staring back at her in confusion, as his irritation started to build. "I don't need your permission. This is none of your business."
"It's absolutely my business, Luke," Lorelai replied, anger now apparent in her voice. "I'm your friend and I won't let you make a mistake like this. For god's sake you've only known Nicole a few months. You're not thinking clearly. You can't go off on a cruise and propose to her. It's stupid."
"Hey," he cut her off abruptly. "You told me to go. You thought it was a good idea."
"I never told you to propose," she retorted. "And you know what? The cruise is a bad idea too. I don't think you should go."
"Too late," he returned shortly. "I'm going and I'm proposing and I can do what I damned well like. I'm still going to be there to serve you coffee and burgers, so what does it matter to you?"
"It matters," Lorelai replied quickly. "You'll get married and then…then you'll move. You'll get a place in Litchfield or Woodbridge or something and you'll have to pick out paint colors which I know for a fact you hate. And you'll have to commute there and back every day. Luke Danes and road rage. That's a real healthy combination. And then your cooking will suffer. You'll make awful coffee and burn your food 'cause you're late or irritated or whatever, and that's bad for business. You'll run out of money, and you'll close down the diner and I'll be left with nowhere to eat breakfast. This is a dumb thing to do and you're going to regret it."
"Unbelievable," Luke shook his head in irritation now. "I can't believe you're making my life all about you." He looked across at Lorelai for a moment before throwing his hands up in exasperation. "You know what? I don't care what you think. Despite what you may think my life doesn't revolve around the thirty minutes a day you spend in the diner."
"I know that," Lorelai replied hastily, taking a step in his direction. "But I think you're making a mistake. This is a big thing to do, Luke. This'll change your life and I don't think you're ready."
"Ready? Oh well, Lorelai Gilmore doesn't think I'm ready. Well yeah, definitely changing my mind then," he replied sarcastically. He crossed to stand directly in front of Lorelai as he mockingly continued, "Do you want to tell me what shirt I should wear today, what time I should get up in the morning, how many cases of pickles I need to order? I'll make sure to run every decision by you, like you have any right to tell me at all. Because you've always made such great choices in the past."
Luke's rant trailed off when he saw a hurt expression briefly cross Lorelai's face. He felt a stab of guilt and some of his anger began to drain away. Rubbing a hand across his face wearily, Luke sighed heavily before continuing, "You know what? I'm done talking to you about this. Just give me the ring and you go have fun with Rory in Europe and I'll go live my life too."
He held out his hand for the box, but she shook her head and spoke to him firmly as she added, "No Luke, I'm not letting you do this. This ring," she held up the box and backed away to the door, "is coming with me."
He crossed the distance to the door in two long strides, reaching it before she could and slamming it shut with one hand. As he did so, he placed himself bodily between Lorelai and the door, preventing her escape. She stopped a foot away from him, staring up at him with a perplexed frown on her face.
"What do you think you're doing?" she demanded. "I want to leave."
"Just give me the ring and then you can do what you like," Luke replied, holding out his hand for the box that Lorelai was now clutching to her chest.
He wouldn't have been surprised if Lorelai threw the ring at him, but her grip on the box simply tightened and she let out an irritated sigh as she muttered to him, "No, I won't. You're making a big mistake."
He let out a frustrated breath and spoke again as he looked at her downcast face. "I don't understand why is this so important to you." He paused for a moment, waiting for a response, but none was forthcoming. So finally he asked the question he'd been burning to ask since they'd started this argument. "Why do you care so much, Lorelai?"
He wasn't sure what reaction he'd expected, but he was astonished by her response. She suddenly froze in place and for once in her life she seemed bereft of words, her mouth opening and closing several times. For a long moment there was silence as Luke waited in vain for an answer to his question. Then Lorelai's shoulders seemed to slump in defeat and she reached out to place the box in his still outstretched hand. She wasn't going to answer him, Luke realized and reflexively closed his hand around hers. Lorelai struggled briefly to remove her hand, before becoming still as she stared down at their joined hands.
A pleading note entered Luke's voice as he looked down at her downcast face and asked again, "Why do you care?"
As he repeated the question, Lorelai finally lifted her gaze to his and he was shocked to see the vulnerable and hurt expression on her face. For a moment the world seemed to still and then suddenly hope flooded in. Was this reaction something other than some kind of weird dog in the manger-like possessiveness? Did she actually have feelings for him after all? She was staring up at him, her liquid blue eyes displaying a mix of emotions he'd never seen before. The world faded away and he forgot everything except the fact that he was standing a foot away from the woman he had wanted for so long.
He became acutely aware of their hands still clasped between them. Taking a steadying breath, Luke loosened his grip on Lorelai's hand and tentatively began to trace his thumb back and forward across her hand, waiting with bated breath for her reaction. She drew in a deep breath but remained standing where she was, showing no inclination to pull away. Encouraged, Luke gently pulled their linked hands towards his face. Eyes never leaving hers, he dropped a lingering kiss onto the back of her hand and then another. He felt a mixture of elation and relief when he felt her hand tremble a little beneath his lips.
Luke loosened his grip on Lorelai's hand, barely noticing as the ring box fell to the floor between them with a dull thud. He let go of Lorelai's hand completely, stepped a little closer to her and, after a moment's hesitation, cupped her cheek. She stood there, gazing up at him with wide open eyes, but did not back away. For one last moment he hesitated, staring down into her face, then he finally gathered his courage and cautiously closed the remaining gap between them. His eyes drifted closed and he kissed Lorelai for the first time. He moved his lips tentatively over hers for a few short seconds, savoring the incredible feeling of her lips under his; the reality much better than anything he could have ever imagined. Her lips were soft and sweet and she tasted like heaven. As he pulled away slightly to gauge her reaction, he dropped his hand from her face and settled it at her waist.
He watched Lorelai draw in a deep breath, utterly silent as she met his gaze again. He waited, needing for her to be the one to make the next move, whatever it would be. When she did move, it was to step forward to place one hand on his chest. As she raised her face, he lowered his, responding to her feather light touch and kissing her briefly once, twice and then a third time before parting again. As he pulled away to stare once more into Lorelai's eyes, Luke was aware of nothing but the woman standing before him. He'd just kissed Lorelai. He kissed her and she hadn't run away. It was the only comprehensible thought that Luke could process as he stood there, hypnotized by her luminous eyes.
For one last moment he was immobile and then clarity abruptly returned. He wanted more. Luke moved forward quickly, his hands locking around Lorelai's waist as he hauled her close to him. He barely noticed his baseball cap being knocked from his head as he felt Lorelai wrap her arms around his neck and their lips met once more. There was nothing gentle to the kiss this time and Luke angled his head to deepen it immediately, his tongue seeking entrance to Lorelai's mouth. She opened her mouth with a gasp and he groaned into the kiss when he felt her tongue pushing back at his eagerly.
As he hungrily kissed her, Luke maneuvered Lorelai back until she was pressed against the door, his hands roaming restlessly over her body. He felt one of her hands sliding down his back to his hip, urging him ever closer to her. In response, Luke tangled a hand in her silky hair to pull her face closer to his and spread his other hand across her lower back, pulling her hard up against his growing arousal. For long moments they were kissing fervently, until Luke broke away to trail urgent kisses along Lorelai's jaw and down to her neck, pulling eagerly at her collar to allow him better access. He thought he might lose his mind when he heard Lorelai gasping his name, her hand clutching convulsively at his flannelled shirt.
But even as he continued his heady exploration of the sensitive skin at the juncture of Lorelai's neck, Luke gradually became aware of a faint ringing in the room. It was the phone, and at first he tried to ignore it, cupping Lorelai's face as he blindly sought out her lips again. But as they deepened the kiss once more, the answering machine was activated and then Nicole's voice rang out through the confines of the apartment. They both froze immediately and guilt and confusion abruptly swept Luke's desire away. He released Lorelai and staggered backwards away from her. As Nicole left a brief message and then hung up, he stared at Lorelai in silence.
Luke drew in rapid breaths as he gazed at Lorelai for long moments, unable to move or to say anything as he took in the image of her flushed features, her own rapid breathing and her kiss-swollen lips. She was leaning against the door, but then took a step away. When she staggered for a moment, Luke moved towards her, his hand coming out to steady her but she held out a hand and shook her head.
"Lorelai," Luke ground her name out unsteadily and he took another step towards her. He stopped however when she spoke a single word.
"Don't."
The word was barely above a whisper, but he heard it and it froze him to the marrow. He followed the direction of Lorelai's gaze and saw that she was looking down at the ring box on the floor. Guilt coursed through him again at the reminder of Nicole, and Lorelai's hand came up to cover her mouth as she stared at the box. For one long moment they both stood there frozen, and then Lorelai was turning around to yank the door open, before she ran down the stairs.
For a shocked second, Luke remained frozen in place, then he moved rapidly out of the door, calling down the stairs, "Lorelai, wait." He heard the front door to the diner slam and began to hurry after her. He came abruptly to a halt when he reached the bottom step however, suddenly realizing it would be no use to go after Lorelai now. He couldn't chase her through town when every busybody within a twelve block radius might be watching them with an eagle eye. What exactly was he going to do, burst in on Lorelai at her home and explain to Rory and Lane why he was there? And what about Nicole? She didn't deserve this behavior from him.
"Damn it," he muttered, dropping to sit down on the stairs. He took a steadying breath to calm the rapid beating of his heart and then buried his face in his shaking hands, overcome with guilt and confusion. What on earth was he going to do now?
To be continued