Disclaimer: Still not mine.
A/N: Thanks again to NicoleMack for her comments on this chapter.
Part Two: Or not to be…
Lorelai shifted restlessly in her airplane seat, trying in vain to find a comfortable position. The cabin lights were dimmed and it seemed that everyone had managed to find a way into dreamland but her. Turning her head in the direction of the window seat, a brief smile flickered across her face. Rory was fast asleep, her face resting uncomfortably against the window, and the book she had been reading earlier was still clutched precariously in one hand. Reaching across, Lorelai withdrew the book gently from Rory's grasp and slid it into the pocket in the seat in front of her. Pulling the blanket more securely across Rory's lap, she then settled back in her own seat and stared at the back of the seat in front of her.
She couldn't believe she was finally here. It was eighteen years later than she had originally planned, but this trip would be far better than anything she could have anticipated back then. If her parents had paid for her to go to Europe all those years ago, they would have insisted she stay in five star hotels, far removed from the sights she truly wanted to see. But this trip was her and Rory and they were going to be traveling the way that they wanted. It was the culmination of many years of planning and anticipation and she would have it no other way.
It wasn't excitement about the coming trip that was keeping her awake now though. She'd spent today vainly trying to prevent the events of last night from occupying her every waking moment. While they were running around doing last minute packing, and while Rory was awake to talk to, it had been easy to push those troubling thoughts away. But now there were no distractions and all she could think about was Luke. She was still in a morass of confusion as to exactly what had happened. In the afternoon, life had seemed so simple. She had been filled with anticipation for the coming trip and overcome with pride in Rory's achievements. Then, a few hours later, all of that was swept away by arguments and confusion and frantic kisses.
Lorelai shifted uncomfortably in her seat again as she recalled opening the jewelry box and seeing that ring. During her conversation with Luke at Rory's graduation, she never suspected that he had been planning to propose. In fact he seemed reluctant to even go on the cruise. She knew that she had never been Nicole's greatest fan, but she did seem to make Luke happy, so Lorelai swallowed that dislike and told him to go. She could ignore the slightly uncomfortable feeling she got in her stomach when she thought about Nicole by telling herself that it was just a holiday after all and hardly a big commitment. The thought that Luke could be close to proposing to Nicole had never, for a second, crossed her mind, particularly given the nature of their conversation at the graduation. What on earth had changed in those few hours between then and her arrival at the diner?
Regardless of his motivation, when she saw that ring it was as if she'd suddenly forgotten how to breathe. For a moment she felt nothing, as if she was strangely divorced from reality, but then panic had flooded through her and she was tripping over herself in her haste to tell him it was a mistake. It was absolutely none of her business and yet still she told him exactly what she thought. She couldn't let a friend make the foolish mistake of proposing to a woman he'd only known for a few months. At least that's what she told herself when she first saw that ring. But as the argument continued, she was overcome by the realization that this was not really about Nicole at all.
When he asked that question, "Why do you care," the answer that had immediately entered her mind was that if he married another woman, she would have lost her chance. She had been shocked to realize that maybe the reason she didn't want Luke to marry Nicole was because she wanted to be with him herself. She should have run as soon as those thoughts occurred to her. But when she looked into his eyes, she found herself unable to just walk away. He touched her, and then he kissed her. Then she kissed him…they kissed each other. If the phone hadn't rung, they would probably have ended up doing a hell of a lot more than that.
Lorelai lifted a hand to trace her fingertips across her lips, her face flushing at the memory of Luke's lips on hers. She could still feel the rasp of his stubble against her face and his hands caressing her body and she couldn't get the image of him pressing her up against the wall out of her mind. What she remembered most vividly though was the hopeful way that he had looked at her, as if she were his dream come true. Every time she closed her eyes he was there, and he was the reason she couldn't sleep now. Last night, in the space of fifteen minutes, Luke had been transformed from her coffee supplier, her all round go-to guy and one of her closest friends to a man she wanted in so many ways that it scared the hell out of her.
It was starting to dawn on her that although Luke was a good friend and she didn't ever want to lose their friendship, she wanted much more than that. She'd managed to fool herself for years, but after what had happened yesterday she could no longer deny that a large part of her was eager for more. Eager to kiss Luke again; eager to have him in her bed and in her life. But equally, she was afraid to let that happen. If it didn't work she would lose a close friend and one of the places in the world where she felt most at home. She didn't know if she was ready to risk that for a chance at a relationship with Luke. Her track record with relationships was terrible and she couldn't stand for Luke to end up on that casualty list.
Did he even want it himself? He had been planning to propose to another woman, after all. Lorelai's grip on the blanket that covered her tightened for a moment when she thought of the possibility of Luke still proposing to Nicole. He couldn't do that now could he? Surely he couldn't kiss her like that and then leave with Nicole a few days later. She certainly hadn't had the courage to venture back to the diner today. But then, Luke hadn't sought her out either, and perhaps that was for the best. She needed time and distance to come to terms with what had happened. She tried to reassure herself that Luke would still be there when she got back. What happened between them had been too intense and overwhelming for it to have meant nothing to him.
She couldn't think about this anymore; that suffocating nervous feeling was too much to deal with. Lorelai drew in a deep, calming breath and reached over to pick up the book that Rory had been reading earlier, opening it to the first page. Now really wasn't the time to be thinking about this anyway. For the moment, she would concentrate on the thrill of the journey before her and forget all about him. She had six weeks to come to a decision and she would consider the situation with Luke at some, as yet undetermined, point in the future.
"Oh my god, that was good," Rory groaned as she pushed her plate away slightly and leaned back in her chair.
Lorelai nodded enthusiastically as she ate the last mouthful of food from her plate. "You remember when we had four Thanksgiving meals?" she queried and Rory nodded in response. "I think Italians must do that every day of their lives."
They'd just eaten their way through four courses of Italian cuisine while sitting at an outdoor café in the imposing presence of the Pantheon in Rome. The tables, shaded by white canvas umbrellas, were packed with both tourists and Italians alike and the chatter of a dozen different languages filled the air. The piazza they were in was an odd mix of the ancient and modern, the columned behemoth of the Pantheon standing shoulder to shoulder with buildings that were covered in large billboards advertising fast food.
Lorelai leant back in her chair. "Okay, I think if I eat another thing, I will literally explode."
"But what a way to go," Rory replied contentedly.
This was going to be the best trip ever Lorelai decided happily, before she was distracted by what appeared to be a heated argument developing at the next table. Two elderly Italians, each sporting a portly stomach that attested to their champion eating habits, were speaking loudly, their hands gesturing wildly as they spoke over the top of each other. She nudged Rory who surreptitiously watched the show from the corner of her eye as the argument reached another level with both men pushing their chairs back as they stood up hastily. Lorelai waited for them to come to blows as they moved towards each other, and was surprised when they reached out and shook hands and departed with a smile.
Looking back to meet Rory's eyes, Lorelai grinned. "I take it loud, irate sounding dialogue is the norm for Italians then." Her next words came without thought, "You know what? Luke would be right at home here. I wonder if he has any Italian ancestors?"
Her smile faded and her stomach tied in knots when she realized what she'd said. This was only the second day of their trip; she wasn't supposed to be thinking about Luke. As the waiter came by to clear their plates, Rory suggested they head off to find the Colosseum. Lorelai agreed absently, a sick feeling of nerves still present in her stomach. She knew that there was a Big Decision to be made, but she wasn't ready to think about it just yet.
The sun was beating down mercilessly and Lorelai could feel the rivulets of sweat running down her back. She stopped for a moment to stare up at the steep, seemingly never-ending staircase still in front of her. Taking a gulp of tepid water from the bottle clutched in her hand, she took in a couple of deep breaths and waited for Rory to come to a stop beside her.
"How many to go?" Rory gasped out.
"About seventy," Lorelai returned briefly, moving to sit on a rocky outcrop that lined the path. When her breath had returned somewhat, she looked down at the two hundred or so steps they had already climbed before gazing out in the glittering blue sea that surrounded Santorini. "Remind me again why we didn't just take a donkey ride to the top?"
"Because you insisted that your donkey was glaring at you and telepathically telling you that if you climbed on he'd make sure you never made it to the top alive," Rory returned breathlessly as she dumped her backpack and took a seat beside Lorelai.
"Oh yeah," Lorelai grimaced sheepishly. "I need to remind myself that I'm not Dr Doolittle."
What a way to finish their time here in the Greek Islands. They had done their fair share of lazing around in the last few days and taking this tour on their final day had seemed like a good idea at the time. From where she sat now, she could see in the distance the black outline of the volcanic island that they had sailed to earlier today. Somewhat disappointingly the bubbling crater of molten lava she had been anticipating as she slogged to the top was not there. All they encountered was an awful lot of black rock, a sulfurous rotten egg smell and slightly warm soil underfoot. Still, the view from the top of the volcano had been amazing, with views back to the island of Santorini and its villages of traditional white buildings that glistened in the afternoon sun.
Their tour had finished in the harbor below the village of Oia, which was perched on the top of the cliff far above them. If they made it to the top, their guide promised them that Oia was a picturesque village that had spectacular views of the approaching sunset. The catch was that the only way to get there was to make your way up some 300 steps. What was more, she, queen of the sloths, had apparently taken leave of her senses and decided to walk up those 300 steps. The fact that she had chosen to do this rather than taking the far easier option of the donkey ride must have been the result of sunstroke, she decided absently. It had better be some sunset, she thought as she sat there contemplating the final seventy steps she had yet to climb.
After sitting a few moments longer, Lorelai struggled to her feet again and continued the slow ascent. If Luke could see her now, he would laugh himself senseless, she thought wryly. She smiled to herself fondly at the thought of Luke being here in Greece to witness her feeble performance on the mother of all staircases.Even in the soaring heat they were currently experiencing, Luke would probably still insist on wearing his flannel armor and he would have made it to the top at least half an hour ago.
She was, by now, used to these thoughts that had begun to intrude with an ever increasing frequency. In the end, the 'Big Decision' as she so melodramatically had thought of it only a few weeks ago was really no decision at all. However much it scared her, there was only one option with Luke. Now that they'd started down that path they could never go back and what was more, she didn't want to. Those thoughts of Luke had disturbed her at first. But then, with each time that she thought of him, the feelings of panic faded a little and were instead replaced by the realization of how great a relationship with Luke could be. She was having the time of her life here with Rory, but part of her longed to get on the next plane to the States and walk into the diner and not leave until she knew where things stood with Luke. She knew that the road ahead would not be easy, but regardless of those fears she needed to give it a try. She missed him more than she would have thought possible and she wanted him and as soon as she got back to Stars Hollow, she was going to tell him that. Now she just needed to find out how Rory felt about the prospect.
They eventually made it up the stairs and spent the remaining time until sunset wandering around the numerous souvenir shops that lined the cobblestone streets. Then they sat down on some rocks that afforded a good view of the approaching sunset. Lorelai stared out at the slowly setting sun which was, at the moment, partially obscured by a number of fluffy clouds that were hovering on the horizon. Then she gathered up her courage to ask Rory how she would feel about Operation: Date Luke.
"Hey kid," Lorelai began cautiously.
Rory was eating her way through a rapidly melting ice-cream and responded with a distracted, "Yeah?"
Oh hell, she might as well just get it out there. "How would you feel if I dated Luke?"
Rory froze mid-swallow and turned quickly to face Lorelai with a stunned expression of her face. "What?"
"Umm, me, you know, dating Luke. How would you feel about it?"
Lorelai watched Rory lower her head to rapidly eat the last few mouthfuls of ice-cream before she wiped her hands on some napkins. Finally Rory asked carefully, "You mean our Luke, Stars Hollow Luke, proprietor of Luke's Diner, I take it?"
Lorelai was, for once, unable to decipher the expression on Rory's face. Taking refuge in levity, she quipped, "Well there was a shortlist of three Lukes: Luke Skywalker, Luke from the Dukes of Hazzard and Luke Danes. Since the other two are fictional, Luke Danes it was." But then she added more soberly, "In other words, yes, how would you feel if I dated Stars Hollow Luke?"
There was a long moment of silence and then Rory smirked and replied, "Fine."
"Fine?" Lorelai asked in astonishment. She narrowed her eyes suspiciously. "Fine as in, yes, Mother, that is completely fine by me even though this is the first I have ever heard of it and this is a big shock to me?"
Rory grinned as she responded, "Well yes, and no. I think it's good but it's not a shock. Something happened before we left, didn't it?"
Lorelai felt a flush spread across her face and stammered, "What…what makes you say that?"
Rory shrugged. "My childhood days of reading Nancy Drew and Harriet the Spy are finally paying off. You went out for supplies and to ask Luke about my book the night before we left and then came back with neither book nor food. When I asked you about Anna Karenina you made some flip remark that a Russian tragedy was too depressing to take on our European odyssey. You've mentioned Luke at least a couple of times a day every day that we've been away." She smiled slyly as she added, "You said his name in your sleep last night."
"Well that's all kinds of embarrassing," Lorelai muttered as she felt her face turn even redder. She turned to watch the sunset again and digested Rory's words. The sun was nearing the horizon now and the clouds that hovered there were turning a stunning array of pinks and oranges. "Have I been that obvious?" she finally asked.
"Kind of," Rory shrugged. "Well, it was pretty easy to see where things were headed, anyway." They watched the sunset for a few moments before Rory question, "So, I take it that Luke's not seeing Nicole anymore?"
Lorelai froze as a strong wave of dislike ran through her at the mention of Nicole. Wow, exactly how long had she felt that? If she was being completely honest with herself, she probably felt that about three seconds after she met Nicole for the first time. Well, it didn't matter now because she didn't need to worry about Nicole anymore. What had happened that night before they left for Europe had changed things. Luke couldn't possibly have kissed her like that only to turn around and leave with Nicole. Whatever there had been with Nicole, it was over now.
She finally replied, "I'm pretty sure that Nicole is no longer in the picture."
They watched the sunset in silence for a few minutes longer before Lorelai spoke again. "And you're really, honestly, okay with this?" She turned to look back at Rory focusing steadily on her face.
Rory nodded and smiled reassuringly. "Yeah, I am." She hesitated for a moment and then added, "That is, if you're serious about this. Because if you're with Luke, it means you're really with Luke and all of Stars Hollow will be watching."
Lorelai considered Rory's words for a moment as she watched the sun begin to dip below the horizon; the color in the sky even more brilliant now. "Yeah, I know that and I really am serious about this. Of course I could do without the possibility that Luke and I will become the number one tourist attraction in town. But at this point Taylor could start selling tickets and I wouldn't change my mind. I just really want to give it a try."
They sat in silence again for some minutes before Rory spoke once more. "I know the last year hasn't really been that great for you, Mom…after Dad and everything. I just want you to be happy and I think could you be happy with Luke."
Lorelai watched the pinks and orange tinged clouds darken as night descended and she waited for the ache that she always felt when she thought about Christopher to wash over her now. It never came. She drew in a deep breath and realized suddenly that it no longer hurt. She was free. She had been hurt, very hurt, a year ago but that pain had eased some time ago. Whatever hopes she had for Chris were extinguished months ago. Chris would always be…Chris. Charming, full of easy banter, but weak and unreliable. She'd held onto the dreams of a sixteen year old girl for far too long. But the prince she had dreamed of back then had feet of clay and now, it looked like she had finally grown up. She no longer wanted that unreliable prince who promised so many things but never delivered on them. She wanted a grumpy, flannel attired, baseball cap wearing man who fed her and supported her and was there for her even when she was too blind to see how much he meant to her. She told Rory a long time ago that these things happened for a reason, and maybe that was true, even in the case of Christopher.
Reaching an arm out and slinging it over Rory's shoulder, she gave her a brief hug. "I think you're right. I could be very happy with Luke."
The sun shone brightly in the Jardin du Luxembourg and Parisians were taking full advantage of the first good weather in days. Couples reclined in chairs, basking in the afternoon sun's warm rays. The stone façade of the Luxembourg Palace rose majestically in front of a wide expansive pond and the building cast an austere eye over the park's patrons. Children were enthusiastically engaged in sailing motorized model boats across the still waters of the pond and families were bonding over ice-creams. Lorelai walked through the crowd, smiling briefly at the antics of one child who was doing her level best to fall into the fountain in her eagerness to reach her boat, while her mother did her level best to prevent it from happening.
Their first encounter with the city of romance three days ago had been somewhat disappointing given the sheets of rain they had run through to get from the metro to their hostel. But they had found plenty of ways to fill in their time and today had finally dawned brightly. They'd taken full advantage of the sun this morning to see the Eiffel Tower with a group of Irish college students who they befriended in the hostel several days earlier. Although the students had taken Rory off for the afternoon to explore further, Lorelai had elected to come here to the park instead. This was the day that she had arranged, weeks ago, to phone Sookie to make sure that arrangements for the sale of the Inn were going to plan.
Lorelai wandered away from the main crowd of people concentrated near the imposing palace. She meandered down the immaculately kept tree-lined paths until she found an empty park bench situated under a shady tree in a less populated region of the park. She pulled out her cell phone and began to scroll through the phonebook to find Sookie's number, pausing for a moment when she came to the number for the diner. Maybe she should phone Luke too, she thought, with an equal mix of eagerness and uncertainty. But then, what exactly was she going to say to him? 'Hey, Luke. I'm half a world away in Paris, the city of lovers, how about you come and join me?' Or maybe, 'Hi Luke, remember what we were doing the day before I left? How about we plan to do a lot more of that when I get back?' No, some conversations were better left until they were face to face, she thought with nervous anticipation.
Finally, she came to Sookie's number and rapidly dialed it. The phone only rang a couple of times before the other end picked up and Sookie uttered a quick, "Hello?"
Lorelai smiled at the familiar sound of Sookie's voice and replied, "Hey, Sookie."
There was a pause and then Sookie spoke eagerly, "Oh my god, Lorelai. I completely forgot you were phoning today. I'll be back in a sec, I've got a cake in the oven and if it's in there another minute it's going to be ruined."
There was the brief sound of dishes crashing and a moment of silence and then Sookie breathlessly came back on the line. "Crisis averted. So, tell me everything. Where are you now? Are you having fun? Did you meet a gorgeous Italian count who wants sweep you away to his Tuscan villa?"
Lorelai grinned at the onslaught of questions. "Let's see…we're in Paris, having the time of our lives, no gorgeous Italians, though I did get a marriage proposal from one seventy year old Greek gentleman. I make it a rule to only accept proposals from men with their original set of teeth so sadly the answer was no."
"So you're having a good time then?" Sookie confirmed.
"Oh yeah, Sook, the best. How are you and Jackson, and the baby?"
"We're all fine, though I'm currently having a little bit of a difference of opinion with Jackson about the quality of his radishes. Oh yeah, and the Inn. Everything's great. Nothing to worry about, all that legal stuff is going smoothly. Oh Lorelai, I can't wait for you to get back, I've found the perfect oven for the Dragonfly."
"That's great Sookie. I want to hear all the Stars Hollow gossip. Is Michel still as obnoxious as ever? Has Kirk got any new jobs? How's construction on Taylor's Soda Shoppe going? Has it driven Luke insane yet?"
"Everything's pretty much the same here. Michel is indeed obnoxious, Kirk tried to start a new dog walking service but managed to lose three of the dogs on his first day. I was in town today, and saw the Soda Shoppe. It's almost ready. Taylor put in a glass window so you can see from his shop into the diner. I think Luke's going to be seriously annoyed when he gets back."
Lorelai had been letting the familiar sounds of Sookie's chatter flow over her, but froze when she heard those last words. She pressed the phone closer to her ear, certain that she had heard incorrectly. "Sookie, wait, what do you mean when Luke gets back?"
"Well, he's still away on his cruise, isn't he?"
"Cruise?" Lorelai questioned a little unsteadily.
"You did say it was a cruise, didn't you? Anyway Luke's not here and the diner's been closed for the last couple of weeks."
Lorelai sat in silence, a strange numbness settling over her. She was vaguely aware of Sookie still speaking to her, but couldn't find the words to answer her for a moment. Then clarity returned and she heard Sookie worriedly enquiring, "Lorelai, are you there?"
"Yeah, Sookie. Sorry, I just got distracted for a moment," she said shakily. She lapsed into silence and let Sookie ramble on for a while longer before breaking in. "Listen Sookie, I'd better go now. If this call is much longer, I'll probably have to offer to sell my first born, in other words Rory, in order to pay for it. I'll see you in a few weeks okay?"
After saying their goodbyes, Lorelai hung up the phone and sat there motionless for a moment. It couldn't be true, she thought wildly. Sookie had made a mistake or she'd misheard. Luke couldn't have gone on the cruise after what had happened between them. She scrolled through the numbers of her phone again and dialed the diner, her hand shaking a little as she lifted the phone to her ear. But although she let it ring for some time, no one answered. She ended the call, searching this time for the number to Luke's apartment. When she dialed, she could hear the phone at the other end ring several times and her heart leapt when she heard Luke's voice. But her hopes were dashed when she heard him telling her to leave a message. She abruptly hung up and sat clutching the phone in her lap, numb acceptance settling over her. He'd gone on the cruise. He'd made his choice and it hadn't been her.
She sat motionless for a moment, staring sightlessly in front of her, oblivious to the world around her. Lorelai clutched the phone closer to her, fighting against the sudden need to yell and scream and burst into tears. She sniffed defiantly though, rubbing a hand roughly across her face. She was not going to cry, damn it. She couldn't cry over someone she'd never even had in the first place. She opened her bag now and viciously shoved the phone into it.
Stupid Luke, she thought irrationally as she tried to convince herself that it never would have worked. She'd been fooling herself, panicking that Rory was leaving for college and that she would be alone. So she'd latched onto the first opportunity that had been offered to her and tricked herself into thinking she had feelings for Luke that didn't exist. Besides, she would be busy for the next year trying to open the Inn. Even if she did have feelings, there were too many other things going on for a relationship with Luke to have lasted. They never would have worked. She would have thrown away their friendship for something that had never had a chance. There was absolutely nothing to be sorry about.
Drawing in a deep breath, Lorelai gathered up her bag and tried to stand up. But she stood for only a moment, before she realized she was shaking too much to stay upright and her legs couldn't support her. Sinking down onto the bench once more, she leant forward and buried her face in her hands, surrendering to the all too real feelings of hurt and regret. Denial was no longer going to cut it, she realized bitterly. She and Luke could have worked and it could have been great. No, not could, would. They would have been great and she had finally realized how much she wanted it. The fact that now Luke was going to make it work and have a great life with someone else hurt more than she ever would have thought possible.
She lifted her face from her hands. Why had he kissed her then? To satisfy curiosity? Apparently not because he harbored any feelings for her. For all the people telling her that Luke was crazy about her, she'd certainly never heard it from him. In fact, until the day of Rory's graduation he hadn't made one single move to indicate that he felt more than friendship. Maybe everyone had seen something that had never been there. How could she have been so arrogant as to blithely assume that Luke would just be there waiting anxiously for her to reach a decision? Like she was the only one who had to decide. For him, it seemed there was never a choice to be made and in the end she had never even been in the running.
She couldn't have said how long she sat there on the park bench that afternoon, wrapped up in her feelings of unhappiness and hurt. But eventually, she drew in a deep breath and stood up to head back to the hostel to meet Rory. She had three weeks left on this trip with Rory and then a month with her before she left for Yale. She was going to enjoy those times and she would be happy for Luke and Nicole. She still had Rory and she had her Inn and she would make the best of things, just like she always did. She would move on, and eventually it would hurt less. Eventually.
To be continued