Dream Walker

Disclaimer: I deny any ownership of any adult or adolescent transformed shadow warrior chelonians.

Chapter Twenty One - It's over

Donatello:

I was with Mike in the infirmary, Leo had waited some time before going to talk with Raph about the situation, he knew that the best time to approach Raph was after he had a chance to digest the bad news, Raph didn't take such news kindly, he like Leo didn't want to or care to lose a family member. He'd do just about anything to protect us. Raph and Leo were more alike in many ways then anything, both of them could be very stubborn, a my way or the highway sort of attitude, both of them had a lot of pride in themselves and their skills in ninjitsu and I don't know how many others, but it was those similarities as well as what made them different that often caused the battles between them.

Leo worried for us, he wanted to protect us so of course he did all he could to achieve that. Raph felt he could care for himself and didn't need Leo babysitting him, or watching over his shoulder. Didn't need to let Leo know where he was going or when he would be back. He preferred to be alone and needed time to reflect, brood, sulk whatever you wanted to call it. Leo couldn't help being perfect, and Raph couldn't help but play devil's advocate by pressing arguments on Leo from time to time.

I knew Leo could be very understanding and if he was careful, in what he said and how he said it to Raph he'd be able to ease some of Raph's pain, so that left me to watch the monitors and Mike. I was rather surprised he was even alive, I mean he was in tremendous bad shape, that gaping hole in his shell and the inner damage within, just didn't bode well. But I also knew that there had been times before that I had been ready to say one of us wouldn't make it, I had a few near death experiences myself, and we had pulled through. Proving that sometimes against all odds or what you may believe there was always a chance you were wrong. That the person in question might find the strength and ability to rally and pull through when everything that possibly could be done, medical wise, just wasn't enough.

We were limited in our hospital resources and I knew that my simple machines weren't enough to make the difference. Only Mike could make that decision, and I had a feeling he would make it in the first twenty four to fourty eight hours. That was the critical time, so I didn't want to leave him alone during that important time. I wanted to be here in case there was something I could do or learn to help, possibly tip the odds in our favour.

The infirmary was so quiet, only the dull sound of the tap dripping intermittently, and the slight humming noise of the machine that was hooked to Mike disturbed the silence of the room. I sighed softly as I gazed at Mike's form under the sheets. I must have dozed off for a bit for I was suddenly startled by the machines sending off a noisy alarm. Mike's breathing had grown more ragged and wasn't as steady as it had been. The machines were trying to get him to what he had been before, but failing in doing that they had set off the internal alarm system I had programmed into them.

Mike made a noise half whimper half choked scream, and I knew he was in pain, deep pain. I knew then that he wasn't coming back to us, he had gone too far, was hurt too bad. The machines could not compensate for the vital statistics he was losing, and yet because of their nature, because of the way they were designed, they kept him here. I growled softly as I shut the machines off, Mike did not have to fight to die. He shouldn't have to die in pain. Perhaps I shouldn't have turned the machines off without confirming it with Leo, but I knew the outcome wouldn't change.

Besides someone as care free as Mike was, didn't deserve to die such a torturous death. He was going to die, with or without the machines I knew that, it was just the machines would delay and prolong it. I didn't stop to think if there was any other choice or way. I had been taught to make quick decisions and use the power of observation. Now as the machines hum grew still, Mike seemed to partially open one eye. He seemed to smile a bit towards me, though I really think, believe that he had no idea I was there. He gave a few more harsh breaths, then lay still. A distant look coming into his one open eye, staring off somewhere, where ever it was I could only hope it was a better place for him.

For a while I could only stand by the bed staring at him, in disbelief. Numbed with shock and pain, I couldn't seem to gather my thoughts enough to figure out what to do next. Where was I to go from here? I could only stare at Mike's body so still, lying on the bed, knowing in my heart that he was gone. All that Mikey was and had been was gone, all that was left was the shell, the emptiness, the void. The same hollowness that had settled into my gut.

I don't know how long I stood there before it finally dawned on me that I ought to find Leo and Raph. Let them know. I felt something wet on my face and reached up a hand wiping my face. I was crying, without even having known it. Too much in shock to realize that my grief was finding expression even though, I didn't seem to feel the pain of the loss just now. I took a few deep shaky breaths and went in search of my two brothers.

I found them in the kitchen sitting at the table, talking softly to one another. Raph's head shot around and he glared at me.

"Why aren't ya wit Mikey?" he demanded briskly.

Leo took one glance my way and bowed his head turning it the other way, he all ready knew without me saying. Raph probably was aware of it as well. He just didn't want to accept it.

I tried to speak but the words wouldn't come, I stood for a moment trying to force the words up from my throat but they had lodged there in a lump unwilling to go down or up. Finally I broke out blurting it all into one long word. "Mikeisdeadtherewasnothingmoreicoulddoforhim."

"Don it's all right. I didn't expect a miracle." Leo muttered still not looking at me.

Raph's eyes narrowed, "Say what Donny?" he growled low.

"Mike is dead Raph." I managed to spit the despicable words out, "He didn't have the strength. He couldn't..." I tried to explain.

"Like hell you pulled the plug on him didn't ya?" Raph roared as he stood up his face contorted in sheer rage.

Leo dropped a hand on Raph's shoulder, but Raph brushed him off, hitting his arm away, probably jolting it causing Leo quite a bit of pain, the way Leo suddenly gritted his teeth only confirmed that. Raph got his crutches under him and hobbled over to me.

"How dare you let him die?" He roared in my face spittle flying, "You killed him Donny."

"I didn't" I protested backing up.

"You are the doctor you are supposed to save him. Help him. You were supposed to make sure Mike didn't die!" Raph continued to rant and rage, suddenly he threw a punch at me.

I should have expected it, I mean with how angry he was, but somehow he still caught me by surprise, but not for long. I kicked out trying to sweep his one good leg out from under him, but he blocked the move with his crutch. Swinging the other crutch at me like a weapon. Leo suddenly got in between us, he grabbed hold of one crutch and pushed me slightly back and away. He stood face to face, toe to toe with Raph.

"Enough this won't help or change any thing" He yelled, " Raph you aren't thinking clearly. Don would never do that, and we both know that it would have to take a miracle for Mike to have lived. He was in bad shape." Leo confirmed, "Like you I was hoping. I wanted to believe that miracles could happen and that we wouldn't lose him, but deeper inside. I knew what the outcome was going have to be. Mike wasn't going be able to do it" He paused and took a couple deep breaths, his eyes full of pain. "We can't start fighting against one another now. Don't you see that? We need to stick together, we need each other. Now more than ever before. If accusations are made things could blow way out of proportion and we might end up unable to go on." Leo explained, "I won't loose my family like this. I won't let it happen. You two are all I have now." he concluded before bowing his head and starting to sob, deep wracking cries that came from somewhere deep inside.

Raph shifted uneasily and he looked at me, his anger quickly dissipating as he looked at Leo in shock, our controlled Leader seemed to be falling apart, but then it had been a very rough night. He reached out hugging Leo "Sorry Don I didn't...well you know mean what I said." he mumbled and sniffed a bit.

I nodded understanding moving forward to huddle with my brothers in a group hug, holding one another tightly afraid to let each other go.

It wasn't much easier the next morning, but by then the shock of losing Mike had worn off and the pain of grief had definitely settled in Jennifer phoned early that morning.

"Um hi Don, you know about Mike..." she spoke hesitantly.

I sighed mournfully, "It, well it doesn't matter Jen." I interrupted her, "Mike didn't make it. He died last night" I explained doing my best to break the news with care. But knowing no matter how I tiptoed around the subject it would still hurt.

"I sort of figured that Don" she choked out, " I went into the dream world last night. In hopes I could convince Mike to stay with all of you but he made me realize it wasn't for him." Jennifer replied, "He went with Splinter. Splinter was waiting for him, he knew what I didn't, that Mike would be joining him." She gasped and I heard her sniff a bit.

"He went with Splinter?" I asked.

"Yeah. He said that it took both sun and rain to make the rainbow and friends are the pot of gold... oh some other stuff too, he knows you weren't to blame. He thought you were the best brother to have." She told me, it sounded like she was crying a little.

Somehow I just felt a little better, knowing Mike had Splinter with him, that he wasn't alone. Sure it wasn't a great deal towards feeling better, but it did help just a bit, enough to feel a little relieved. I felt even more justified knowing Mike somehow knew and accepted what I had done for him. I wasn't going tell anyone that in a way Raph's accusations were correct, I had pulled the plug. I'd felt bad about it, wondering if maybe I had done the right thing. Maybe in my pain and grief I had overlooked something that would have changed things for the better. Now Jen had given me almost confirmation that I had indeed done the right thing for Mike.

"Jen, April is coming home and when she does we were going have a quiet goodbye to Splinter," I choked up a bit, "And to Mike as well, before we went out to the farm. Since you knew them, we sorta figured you'd want to pay your respects as well."

"I'd like that Don." she agreed meekly.

"I'll arrange to meet you then. Give me your number so I can call you when it is closer to time." I suggested. I wrote down her number, not wanting to commit it to memory for fear of getting it wrong, my mind wasn't in its normal state as of yet. I went then to see how Leo and Raph were, I found both of them sprawled on the couch, one at each end, the TV was still on, they had probably fallen asleep watching some late night show.

Leo opened his eyes blearily and took both hands wiping them up and over his face, groaning a little. "Mornin" he croaked.

"That it is" I replied simply. "How ya doin' Leo?"

"I dunno Don, it's going take time getting used to this whole idea that, this is it." he gestured at Raph, himself and to me. "I don't know where to go from here or what to do. I guess we just take it one minute at a time and work up from there." He gave a weak grin, "I'd give anything though to hear another one of Mike's lame jokes."

"I can maybe think one up for you" I offered as I sank into the armchair.

Leo gave a negative shake of his head "Wouldn't be the same." He declared.

Raph stirred a bit then slowly opened his eyes, he bowed his head looked my way. "Mike still gone?" He murmured.

I nodded reluctantly.

He looked a way with a resigned sigh "I was hopin' it was all a dream" he replied.

We stayed a little lost, spending time together without talking too much, not eating a lot more just picking at food, at least until April called to tell us she was back in town, and by then it was only a matter of figured after we said our goodbyes we would go out to CJ's place, our other home, whatever you wanted to call it and recuperate, take time to get back together and grow strong again. I was going use a small bomb to collapse a portion of our home, effectively entombing Mike and Splinter, but it wouldn't cause any damage topside. We weren't going be returning to this portion of the tunnels any ways, even if we did return to New York.

We placed Splinter and Mike in Splinter's bedroom, Leo laid Mike's nunchuks on his plastron and we lit candles and incense around the small room before we departed to pick up our guests. CJ was sullen,and April teary eyed and Jen she was silent, humble her head bowed, full of sorrow and yet not crying as we stood in various spots about the room.

Leo took a deep breath "I guess I should say something. Splinter knew his time was near. He was our father, our mentor and so much more. He lived a very full life and lived at peace. He died fighting to ensure others could have peace. He would not have died any other way. If he were here he would say that death is not an end but another beginning." Leo paused and shifted a bit, "Much of what can be said for Splinter, could be said for our fallen brother, Michaelangelo. Yet with Splinter his death seems less harsh then Mike's death. Maybe because Mike was so young and had so much more to give." Leo shook his head but he couldn't continue on from there.

April cupped her face in her hands crying harder. CJ sniffed a bit and gave April a look that was sympathetic, she went over and placed her arm around April, April glanced up and gave a trembling smile before giving in to her sobs and allowing CJ to comfort her.

"I know...there's more I just don't know what else to say" Leo admitted.

"Say that he brought joy and laughter to all who knew him. That he was able to make ya feel comfortable and at ease with things out of the ordinary. I guess it's true that the good die young. Cause noone was better than Mikey" Raph stated simply then clamed up almost as suddenly.

Jennifer raised her head, "Mike was the flame against the darkness. Some curse the darkness" she turned a shrewd gaze Raph's way, "Some accept it, live with it feeling there is no other way. Mike he'd sooner chase those shadows and fears away, bringing light. His light pulled you in and warmed you. He thought of others before himself, and he never took any one seriously, probably didn't take himself seriously. He was everything a hero should be. He was everything a brother was supposed to be," Jen declared, "Most of all Mike knew how to accept the inevitable. He knew he had to live in the sewers, he knew that he couldn't be accepted at large, but he also knew that he couldn't live his life hurting and in pain, and letting go was easier." She took a deep breath, "Not that he was a quitter for he wasn't. He never gave up, but he knew what was and had to be and he accepted it as just a part of life."

Raph nodded smiling at Jen in understanding, he looked over at Leo then to me, it seemed Jen could say what we all might be thinking but were unable to say.

Jen raised her head "It may sound strange but I was with Mike and I know what he said to me. He wanted you his brothers to remember one of Splinter's teachings, when a candle flame burns out something stronger takes its place for all to see. His light might be gone, but he is still with us and will always be." She concluded choking back a sob and falling silent.

I smiled, she was gifted and she had grown so much since we had first met her. We all bowed our heads and observed a few minutes of silence. Then Leo stood by the door as we filed out. He gave April one of Mike's drawings as a memento for her to keep, gave CJ a set of nunchucks, she caressed the wooden grips and a tear fell from her eyes.

"Blast it Leo look what you gone and done" she chided, "I'll wait for you out in the van." she snapped before bolting.

Jennifer paused by the doorway "I'm sorry Leo, I thought..."

"You tried. You did your best. You have proven yourself a hero. We want you to have this" he handed her one of Mike's bandannas and a shuriken, " Keep it in memory of him. Sharp and witty, bright and colourful."

She nodded and took his hand, "Leo if I give you my email address will you write to me?"

Leo gave a small smile "We'll keep in touch I promise. Splinter would have wanted me to help you do better at Dream Walking so I will continue to help you there. But give me a few more days before joining me." he pleaded.

"Okay" Jen agreed as she took the gift and handed him a piece of paper, "Take care, all of you" she said casting her gaze from one to another of us before she left.

I was the last to leave and waited until I was sure the minor cave in went off as expected before joining the others in CJ's van it was time to leave.

XXXXXXXXXXX

We had all been relaxing at the farm, doing our own thing but one night we decided to go on a camp out, and I brought my telescope along to do some close up star gazing. As we laid on our back under the stars Leo pointed up to a star above us, "That one is bright. I don't recognize that one, just off Orion there."

"Could be a satellite" Raph suggested. "Or somethin' like that."

I was thinking though of what Jen had said, about a brighter light taking the place of the burned out candle, I thought to myself that could be Mike's brighter light looking down on us watching over us. Suddenly I felt better then I had for some time, since before Akuma had entered into and destroyed our lives.

I know there are places on the net and what have you where a person could buy a star and name it for a loved one. However the name isn't recognized officially, by the astronomers or powers that be, in spite of the certificate that stated the star would bear that name for life. In fact many places sold stars and one could just easily buy the same star from numerous companies. It was almost a form of fraud because Scientist didn't use those names for stars. The naming of stars usually meant numbers but some people find a bit of comfort in thinking a star in the sky is there star named for a loved one.

I smiled, "Bros, that star, I think it is Mike and he's letting us know." I said simply.

"Michaelangelo" Leo smiled my way, "Yeah he would be the bright one."

Raph grinned, "Still with us. Bet ya he's laughing at us too. Look at how it sparkles."

All of us looked at one another and there was finally a sense of relief of letting go. That star might be called something else but for us, for now and probably forever it would be Michaelangelo's star.

TBC