Authors Notes- OH MY GOSH! I can't believe it, I totally can't believe it!
I went out of town about a month ago, right after I updated this chapter,
and last thing I knew it had like 4 reviews! I was totally bummed out. And
then I just checked my story, and I can't believe the reviews that I got. I
was so psyched, because I've had the biggest writers block in the world,
and I haven't been able to write for the longest time, and every time I do
all that comes out is crap. But just by reading what you people said, it
was like the words smashed right through it, and I can write again! Thank
you sooooo much!
And in thanks I'm going to do something I have never done before. Right below here I will be writing a response to each person who reviewed, starting from the first.
Samantha- OK OK! Geez, I'm too scared to turn YOU down. Thanks!
Unknown- I'm sorry you've had to wait for so long, but believe me, I've been looking forward to it more than anyone else can imagine, but I have to do other things first.
Cristina (Sailorpluto030@aol.com)- Don't worry about Trowa, I've got him under control. You could say that he's the last piece of the puzzle, and I can't leave him out! And how very observant. I was wondering if anyone would be able to realize that she's not remembering her dreams. It wouldn't work for the whole plot if she realized that Duo was her brother, and everyone else was connected in some other way. And Usagi will be out of that wheelchair in no time, believe me, I hate leaving her in there. I was even tempted to have her walking around just so she wouldn't have to go through it, but it would be so unrealistic, it wouldn't work. And it really sucks that you tore your ligaments, I've never done anything like that, but it must have been horrible!
Dark-moon-Angel (dark-kitty@boxfrog.com)- Well, I've never been told I kick arse before! Thanks!
Darlana (coxg@lrc.edu)- Thanks for the dedication! I'm so happy you haven't given up on me yet! And I'd be more than happy to have them meet.
Sailor Grape- Well, putting it that way, how could I not make the masses happy, I might have a riot on my hands! And I can't say what will happen, but Usagi jumping out of her wheelchair is a possibility.hmmmm what an idea.
the Desert Fox- You're right, it would be really stupid to mention him, and never have him in the future chapters. In fact, I would say it would be a complete waste of time to have him before, and then not have him later.
Anonymous- I don't know how I'm going to pull it off either, why else do you think I have such a huge writers block, if it isn't because just thinking about it makes me sure I have no idea how to do it, and wonder what I'm gonna do.
Kat (star_0704@yahoo.com)- You know, I've never thought about it like that before. But it does make sense doesn't it, that they think I already know. That's really encouraging, THANKS!
AngelFlame- I certainly hope I can do it in this chapter, but it might end up really long for me to be able to fit it in. I hope you have time!
Whitefiremoon- I'll try. But this nasty writers block is slowing things down.
OtAkU- MUH HA HA HA HA! It's always good to know that my evil plan actually did work! Thanks for telling me!
Nada (??????)- Wow! That must have taken you a long time! I'm impressed. THANKS!
Angel of Death (Kawaii_Angel_ofdeath@yahoo.com)- Thanks for the help!
silver_punk- Wow, I really can't let that happen! But thanks for the warning, you really can never tell what someone might take seriously. I once had a girl tell me that my story reminded herself so much of her own life that she was able to put off committing suicide a little longer. The sad thing is that she was completely serious.
Cheska (not signed in) - I know! I can't believe it's finally time either, I just can't wait.
Erika (yutianz@msn.com)- Wow! That's really nice! But no, that isn't Usagi's real past, in fact, nothing in this story is real. It's just the wild imaginings of my crazy mind, and nothing more. But I'm glad you like the way I try to make everything so detailed. That's the most fun about writing this story, trying to imagine myself in their place, and then writing it from the new perspective.
Angela- That's a real nice thing so say, however, I can think up a few people who have talent I can only dream of. I still have a lot of work before I can put myself up with them.
NikkoS.P.-I just love suspense, don't you?
DraconisSenshi- Alright! I'll do it.
Usagi followed Quatre in her wheel-chair along with Duo and Wufei through the huge circus tent. She had no idea what was going on here, and whoever said 'ignorance is bliss' had never blindly followed a friend through clowns, and elephants, and past the tiger cages. She was really beginning to become very edgy. She used to like surprises, but sometime along the line that love had turned to an intense dread of the unknowing, that made her stomach feel like ice with the fear of something she couldn't expect.
Quatre was chattering away about what they were walking by, and her riding through. He was in a very good mood for a reason she didn't understand. Not very surprisingly, Duo was having the time of his life, making faces at the clowns, and otherwise acting like a little child on his first trip to the circus. As for Wufei.it was obvious he had no desire whatsoever to be there, and was glowering at everything that dared to look his way.
And so she went through the excitement of the circus before opening. It was funny how as a child she had always dreamed of doing what she was doing now, but now that she was here, she had a desire to run so intense, that she had to force herself to follow. There were so many faces around her, people she had never met before, and she had no idea who they were. What they wanted, and just if there was anything they wanted to do to her. There was a few times that she noticed that a clown or a woman dressed in a skimpy suit would look strangely at her, taking special notice of her silver hair, and white skin that were so uncommon as to be freakish she knew. She allowed herself a small chuckle. She probably looked more a clown than anyone else in this circus!
She was so lost in her thoughts, that by the time that Quatre finally did stop in front of one clown in particular, that it was Duo that had to grab her sleeve in order to keep her from moving right past them.
Quatre was like a small child that was just offered a sweet. He was positively beaming with excitement, and his eyes shown with a childish delight.
He gestured to the clown in front of them, and for the first time Usagi actually looked at the person that she realized was the real reason that they were here in the first place. 'He must be a friend of Quarto's she thought as she tried to smile at the unfamiliar face.
It was a man, and he was dressed in one of the oddest clown suits she had ever seen. It was all bright jingles, and full of colors, a stark contrast to her. He had one green eye that was looking oddly at her, and his other one was covered by brown bangs. He was very tall, and she had to keep herself from putting her wheel chair in reverse and running from him in fright, and keep that smile on her face, which she was sure looked forced.
Quatre was still watching them with excitement when he said. "Amei, I would like you to meet my friend Trowa, and Trowa; this is the girl I told you about." Usagi felt a stab of fear at the thought of someone talking about her without her knowing what they were saying, but she wasn't able to dwell on it as Trowa had his hand out at her and said. "hi." Usagi looked at his hand with distaste; she never understood the ritual of handshaking. For one thing before she always thought 'why shake hands when you can hug?' and now it was 'how can you actually be expected to touch someone when you've only just met?' she quickly shook it, and then snatched her hand back with a quick. "Hi." And then moved back so she would be sitting next to Duo. She hated her weakness to not even be able to meet someone without being afraid, and just prayed that in time it would pass and she could be almost as open as she once was. Never as naiveté and stupid, and hopefully as open.
She heard a footstep behind her, and whipped around at the sound. Her wheel chair responding like lightning to her desire to know what was behind her. And she made direct eye contact with a girl who had brilliant red hair. She looked almost as surprised as she was, but quickly recovered herself and said. "Hi, my name's Catherine. Who are you?" Usagi had no idea what to say, and so was very relieved when Quatre stepped forward and said. "We're friends of Trowa. I'm Quatre, the man glowering at you is Wufei, the guy with the braid is Duo, and the girl with the silver hair is Amei." Usagi didn't even try to smile as she looked at the woman, wondering who she was and what it was that she wanted. But thankfully she wasn't required to say anything as Catherine nodded, and turned to Trowa. "Trowa, we really need to rehearse for the show for a minute before the opening." And turned and walked away without another word.
Trowa just said "I gotta go.I'll see you after the show." and walked away.
***
Usagi was shocked when she found herself actually enjoying herself. She didn't laugh outright, but a time or two she would smile in appreciation at some trick the clown would do, or hold her breath when the tightrope walker would lose her balance for just a second, and then let it out when she recovered. At some points she almost felt like a little girl for just a second, and then the feeling would vanish like fog on a sunny day. Time flew by as she allowed herself the small freedom of enjoying herself in a strange place, and she didn't think about anything but what was in front of her. All of her old worries and fears were put on hold for just a second, and she had fun.
About an hour into the show, everyone left the stage. She thought for a second that it must be the end when she saw Trowa step out with his friend Catherine. Trowa was rolling a large wooden board, and Catherine was holding about 10 large throwing knifes in her hand. She knew even before they started to set up what they were going to do. This had always been her favorite part at the circus. And when Trowa went to stand in front of the board, and took the ropes and tied his hands up above his head, her breathing began to get quicker.
The Catherine took out one knife, and a flash of silver was all she saw before she saw it imbedded in the wood next to Trowa's head, and then another one appeared on the other side of his head. Two more on either side of his chest, and then two more on either side of his waist. And then four around his legs. Two on the inside and two on the outside. And each knife was close enough to actually catch the clothing. And that was it, they were done. Usagi finally let out the breath she had been holding, and Catherine went to Trowa and pulled the knives out of the wood while Trowa tried not to move. When he was finally freed they both took a step forward, and a deep bow. Everyone stood on their feet to give them a standing ovation, and Usagi being stuck in her wheel chair just clapped extra hard to show her appreciation for the fine performance. And the entire time she was thinking one thing. 'I wonder if I can learn to do that' and picturing a certain black haired baka whom she still loathed on that board, and with a careful aim missed.
And she found herself grinning wolfishly.
***
Lita walked down the street carrying a box of cookies. They were supposed to be having a scout meeting at Rei's house, just to talk about the possibility of future enemies. There hadn't been anything for a long time now, and since Usagi had disappeared there had been absolutely nothing. No one from the Negaverse, no Alan and Ann, it was just quiet.
Lita looked down at the box she was carrying in her hands. At times she didn't even know why she even came to these meetings anymore, let alone always brought enough food to feed an army. It always went uneaten, and no one even ate one of her cupcakes or cookies. They were just there, and they continued to sit there until they became cold, and she threw them in the garbage on the way home.
But it would have felt wrong to not bring all of the food, even if it went uneaten. It was almost like the food wasn't there, it would be another way to acknowledge the fact that Usagi was gone and she was never going to be coming back. That she had been in so much pain that she had killed herself and no one knew until it was too late. And even to this day it was still a mystery as to why. There was some hint in there as to maybe Mamoru had something to do with it, but everyone had instantly dismissed it. Usagi and Mamoru were meant to be together, and there was no way that he would have anything to do with the tragedy. And he was far more heartbroken than any one of them. His future Queen was gone, and the love of his life was forever denied to him. She couldn't even imagine how hard it was for him, and it was a shock that Usagi could kill herself. Especially knowing that Mamoru could never love anyone but her, and she would be sentencing him to a fate some might find worse than death. Living without his true love for the rest of his life. Some even wondered if he would follow Usagi to an early grave, and for the first couple of days after her death they had made sure to watch him carefully just to be sure. Because someone can only have one soul mate and she was his.
There were times that she would be so angry at Usagi that she would want to scream. And sometimes Lita couldn't understand where it would come from. Every one of them had their own way of dealing with the loss. Mina had become obsessed with her career, and hardly thought about anything else. Ami read her books more than ever before, and it was a rarity to see her relax even for a moment. Rei became even more absorbed in the temple, and that had become her life. Lita on the other hand.she sighed. The only things she could do was cook and fight. And so she would spend a period where she tried to cook large meals, and then have no one to feed. And she found that that didn't really work very well to try to dull the pain. Cooking was something that just gave you too much time to think, and it was also something that she so closely associated with Usagi. And usually she would end up throwing all of the food she had put so much thought into cooking into the garbage, and running to the gym. Or sometimes she would go to her punching bag that she had in her bedroom. The she would just beat on herself as she punched and kicked, and worked herself to exhaustion. Sometimes when she was in her bedroom she would just scream, and let out all of her frustration at the world. Her friends for becoming so distant when their link was gone, and most importantly of all...Usagi. She found that she loved the blonde girl far too much to just mourn her and more on. She was so important in her life, and she just didn't know what to think. Sometimes she would feel incredibly depressed, and other times she would suffer from blazing anger. It would consume her, and she battled feeling sorry for Usagi, and being angry with her for leaving her alone. For not coming to her when she needed help. And angry with herself for not noticing that something was wrong. And it wasn't like there weren't clues; it was just that she was so oblivious to them all.
** Flashback **
Lita was in the gym, trying to become stronger so that she would become a better fighter in the battles. Right now she was running on the treadmill and sweat was running down her forehead. She was completely exhausted, but she also didn't let that stop her. She was in that area of her endurance when she was beyond exhaustion, and she just kept right on going. She had found her second wind, and was enjoying the feeling of a hard day of exercise.
She continued on like that for about 10 more minutes when she finally slowed down to a walk, and eventually got off.
She went over to the bench where she was keeping her stuff, and picked up a small towel to wipe her face off with. She heard someone clearing their throat a few steps behind her, and she slowly turned around to see who it was, wondering if some cute guy had seen her working out and wanted her number or anything. 'ya right.dream on.' she thought and smiled as she saw that her mystery friend was Usagi. It was strange to see her in the workout room, but Lita didn't let any surprise show on her face as she smiled at her best friend.
"Hi Usa, it's good to see you!" She said cheerily and saw Usagi give her a large smile in return. 'Now that she thought about it, it didn't seem to be right when Usagi beamed up at her. Almost like a painted dolls face when it smiles, but doesn't seem real.'
Usagi seemed slightly nervous, and she shifted from foot to foot for a few minutes before Lita finally burst out. "Is there something you wanted?"
Usagi jumped about a foot into the air, and then seemed to collect herself. "Ya, Lita.you know how you're such a great fighter and everything, and well.I was wondering if there was any way that you could , maybe, teach me a little so I can protect myself."
Lita looked at Usagi in shock, not sure what to say. Usagi fought with energy attacks, and used her superhuman strength when she was transformed to fight. She didn't need to know anything about boxing. Lita considered it for a while, and finally came to a decision.
"Usagi, I know that you don't have the time to learn to fight because of all the time you spend with Mamoru and everything else you do. And I can understand how you might be nervous, but there haven't been any attacks lately, and I don't think you have anything to worry about. And besides, I'll protect you. So will everyone else and you know that." Lita was so sure she said the right thing, and waited for Usagi to put her fears to rest and go back to the arcade or something she would actually like to do.
Usagi looked uncertain, as if she wasn't sure what to say, but Lita knew that she had done the right thing and Usagi was looking for an easy exit that didn't make her seem foolish . Lita just smiled and nodded, and Usagi finally mumbled.
"Well.if you're sure about this, and there's no way you will say yes. I guess I'll go home and..yes, I'll eat. That sounds good. Well Lita, thanks for everything, and I hope to see you really soon." Usagi then whipped around and practically ran out of the room.
** End Flashback **
Lita felt something moist on her cheeks, and wasn't very surprised to see that she had been crying. It wasn't uncommon when she was thinking about Usagi. But the memory was so vivid, and she could still see the expressions on Usagi's face when they were talking on that day that had never been important to her before. But now that she thought about it seriously, she should have known that something was wrong. What she had just shrugged off as inconsequential very well might be a clue as to what was wrong with Usagi. And the look in Usagi's eyes when she had said no.it was something that had never seen there before. It wasn't gratitude, and it wasn't happiness. It was an overwhelming fear, a fear of a hope gone.
Lita started to run faster and faster towards the temple, letting the tears flow off of her cheeks as she ran and her hair whipped behind her in the wind that her momentum she created. It was all so clear now, and she wanted to scream for not seeing it before. Something had been wrong with more long before she had met her end, and the one time that she had asked Lita for help, she hadn't even seen it. She had been blind to her friends' emotions, and in the end it had killed her. It wasn't Usagi's fault that she was dead and gone.it was all her fault for not being there when her friend needed her. And when she said that she would protect Usagi from harm.she was just lying to the girl that needed her.
Finally her legs began to ache, and the pain didn't go away. With a scream loud enough to wake the dead, she threw the box of cookies into the distance, not even looking to see where it landed. But she heard the smash in the distance, sounding just like the smashing of all of her hopes, and her friends' dreams.
***
Usagi lay down on her bed, looking at the ceiling.thinking. Trowa had moved in with them after the performance. He gave some vague excuse about wanting a break from the excitement, but he hadn't been very specific. He hadn't said much at all as a matter of fact. And she wasn't quite sure what to think about the new addition. Sure, she had gotten used to new people before, but it was like his arriving interrupted the safe life she had made for herself. The routine that she had spent so much time around suddenly spun out of control, and she didn't know what to do about it.
Because she couldn't continue on as she had been with another person in the house. It just didn't seem right. Like she should try to do something with him as well, so there won't be a possible enemy that she doesn't know about. That was her new philosophy in life. Know your enemy. As long as she was on friendly terms with everyone in the house, than no one would be able to hurt her without her having some sort of warning first.
But she shoved that into the back of her mind for later. There was something much more important that she needed to do. As she had been studying all that Wufei taught her, and thinking about all that she had known about physical fighting in her previous life.she had come to a decision. That was that there was no way she could stay with these people forever, and once she was gone she would need to defend herself. And there was no way that she could do that just by having knowledge in her head. She would need to practice if she was ever able to be any good. And while she couldn't do that with Wufei, or while any of the other people who were sure she was crippled for life was in the room, she could still do it by herself.
It had taken a long time to come to this decision, mainly for fear of being caught. Usagi was sure that sometime along the line while she was doing push-ups or something that Quatre would walk into the room, or that if she was doing a particularly loud activity, the boys would get worried and come and see what the matter was. But most of all she was scared about the rejection she would get if they saw her body changing (as she knew it would) and as she would come stronger.
Quatre, Duo, and Wufei were all nice guys, and she respected them. She had also come to rely on the friendship they gave her more than she cared to admit. And the thought of losing it and being all alone in the world seemed dreadful to her. It would be like her losing the friends she had before when she left her life, and she wasn't sure if she would ever be able to handle that kind of pain again. She still lived with the knowledge of all of the lies, and the deceit from before. The dreadful knowledge that in another world were people who loved her and thought that she was dead, and there was nothing she could do about it without giving up the life she now led. Without going back to the life that she had nearly killed her. Because there was no way that she would ever be able to handle those situations again. She still couldn't believe she had held out as long she did. With only half of a soul, and a constant desire to end the life that tormented her.
No, she was here to stay, and if it the situation got to be unbearable, she could always leave again.
But for now she brushed those thoughts out of her mind, and climbed out of her wheelchair. Moving slowly, because she hadn't done this in a long time she got down on her hands and knees and started attempting to do push-ups.
***
Dr. J looked out of the observation window at the boy who was his pupil.his weapon.
Heero was sitting with his back against the wall, with his chin resting on his knees. He had this almost dreamlike look on his face, and a slight smile curving his lips.
Dr. J snarled in frustration.
He had spent so much time, money, and effort on creating his perfect weapon. An emotionless soldier, who followed orders without thought. Almost like a robot but with the ability to think and act like a human did. And he was so sure he succeeded as well. It had all been going according to plan. Heero was a Gundam Pilot, and he had done what no one had ever thought remotely possible. All of the other Dr's had second rate pilots in his opinion. Civilians who were in this war for their own reasons, and didn't depend solely on them. Unreliable at best, and able to turn at a thought. And oh how he had gloated, and had been proud of his accomplishment.
And then.this happened. His whole project had come crashing down, and the worst part was he didn't have the slightest clue why! It was like the boy he had known was gone, and replaced by something completely different. His soldier didn't respond to anything he did or said. He ate sparingly, and didn't seem to even taste the food, and ate it only to stay alive. Finally he had decided that seclusion was the only option, and that living without even the slightest speck of light would draw him out of his state. After all, a human would surely go crazy being stuck in the dark that long, and wouldn't be able to handle it.
But Heero had seemed more at home in the blackness than Dr. J had ever seen him. He almost seemed to melt in with it, and since his seclusion, all action had basically ceased. He just dreamed his own dreams, and did things Dr. J couldn't even begin to imagine in his head.
Dr. J couldn't stand to look at the sad site any longer, and turned away in disgust. He would do something about the problem soon, or soon Heero would finally break. He would give the boy a month to go back to himself, and then he would have to take drastic measures.he shuddered at the thought.
***
Trowa held a knife in his hand, thinking. And while his mind was deeply absorbed in his thoughts he twirled it through his fingers in complex patterns without even looking.
And he was thinking about Amei.
Quatre had mentioned a girl that they had found and taken care of, but he hadn't been very descriptive. He had mentioned that she was crippled, and went everywhere in a wheel-chair, but he had never said anything about her bizarre appearance.
He never said that she looked like an angel, with her silver hair, and white skin. And he had never aid a thing about those eyes. The eyes that were almost black, with specks that made him think of a starry night. And he never expected for her to be so.so cold. Like she didn't want anything to do with the world, and blocked everything else out. But he had seen one thing that she didn't know about. He had glanced over, and seen the look of fascination on her face when Catherine was doing her knife throwing. And he had seen the naked desire there. The same desire he had when he was just a kid.the desire for knowledge.
But it was the fact that she reminded him so much of himself when he saw her. Her shuttered face looked so much like his own, and the pain in those eyes were almost a mirror of that pain he saw in his eyes every morning. And for some reason he just felt the strangest urge to remove some of that pain from her eyes. And to see her entire face light up like he felt it should always be.
It was beyond a doubt one of the odd feelings he ever had before. It was almost like he knew her, even though it was impossible, and she was a piece of the life he had been trying to piece together from his scattered memories. And when he was still suffering from amnesia, he would sometimes have dreams of a girl with golden hair that he had been so sure was his past, but now knew couldn't be. And Amei reminded him so much of her.
There was no doubt about the fact that someway, somehow she was important in his life. He knew it as surely as he knew that he was sitting there. And he had an idea as to how to find out why.
**
Heero leaned his head against the wall, and sighed. Somehow he had never thought coming back to the real world would be like this. At first sight he had seen everything beautiful he couldn't remember seeing before.at least not for real. But ever since he had come 'home' he had been poked and probed, and then been surrounded by blackness. He was sure it was an attempt to break him. To force him into once more becoming what they think he once was. But really.he didn't see the point. They would never believe the truth, and only call him, and his life nothing more than a crazed dream. And they would say that Usagi is only made up, and she was never real. And that was one thing he was sure he couldn't stand to hear, so what would be the point in telling anyone. He just allowed the blackness to consume him, and in it he found a comfort he had never imagined would be there. It was like a home he never had, and he allowed his mind to drift and to dream. As he pictured himself in a place far from here, with a woman who was forever out of his reach. And he refused to think about anything else, because when he did.he didn't think he could cope.
**
Usagi sat in at a table in Quatre's immense library. Right now she was currently studying the ideology of evolution. The idea was just so bizarre. How could they possibly be the descendants of monkeys? It was such a strange thought, that she wanted to laugh at the idea. Sure, she had seen them in zoos and such, but to think that one of those large hairy apes could be her great-grandfather made her want to laugh aloud!
The sound of footsteps behind her made her smile for a second before she turned, sure that Duo had come in for a visit, and he always managed to cheer her up. But when she saw the man who was in front of her the smile fell off of her lips, and she was left with nothing to say.
**
Trowas heart fell when he saw the smile of greeting that Usagi gave him leave her face when she actually saw who he was. It was crazy, but for just an instant he had thought she had been glad to see him, and the mere thought made him feel so.it was a feeling hard to describe. It was like a warm feeling that started in his heart and spread to fill his whole body. But when her face turned expressionless, his body turned cold.
Trowa shrugged those wild feelings away so he could concentrate. He was here for a reason, and he might as well do what he came here to do. He needed to find out how she fit into his life, and the only way he could see to do that was to get close to her. And as strange as it was.he tried to sound welcoming as he spoke his proposal in as few words as possible.
**
Usagi stared in shock at Trowa, as she thought over what he had said. It just seemed to be so unlike him, and so totally unexpected. But how on earth could she say know. She had started wanted to learn knife tricks when she had first seen them at the circus, but had never thought it possible. And now here this almost stranger comes up to her out of the blue, and offers to teach her.
But it was just the opportunity she had been looking for to get closer to Trowa so he wouldn't be a danger to her, and despite herself she found her head nodding, and her lips moving to say. "Alright, if you want to teach me I'm sure I could learn. At least it's something I can do in this vile chair."
**
Trowa tried to keep the smile off his lips as he said. "Ok, we can start tomorrow with little sticks I own to practice with."
And turned around and walked away.
**
Now, this is the end of this PART of this chapter. I'm sorry everyone, I was really hoping that I would get Heero to meet Usagi in the real world right now, but I promised I would have them meet in this chapter so I guess I'll have to split it into 2 parts. It just wasn't possible. I have to have over a month before I can have them meet, and I just can't do that in a paragraph, and if you ever check you will see that this chapter is 10 pages long, and over 6,000 words, which is by far the longest I've ever written. But now I can solidly promise that they WILL meet in the next chapter, and the climax I've been planning for over a year now will finally be done.
So I'll have it out really soon, and I can't wait to read your comments in your reviews!
Or seriously, you can feel free to email me at sirencalling@yahoo.com for anything you have to say. I just love to talk, so anything is more than welcome.
Ja ne! Siren
And in thanks I'm going to do something I have never done before. Right below here I will be writing a response to each person who reviewed, starting from the first.
Samantha- OK OK! Geez, I'm too scared to turn YOU down. Thanks!
Unknown- I'm sorry you've had to wait for so long, but believe me, I've been looking forward to it more than anyone else can imagine, but I have to do other things first.
Cristina (Sailorpluto030@aol.com)- Don't worry about Trowa, I've got him under control. You could say that he's the last piece of the puzzle, and I can't leave him out! And how very observant. I was wondering if anyone would be able to realize that she's not remembering her dreams. It wouldn't work for the whole plot if she realized that Duo was her brother, and everyone else was connected in some other way. And Usagi will be out of that wheelchair in no time, believe me, I hate leaving her in there. I was even tempted to have her walking around just so she wouldn't have to go through it, but it would be so unrealistic, it wouldn't work. And it really sucks that you tore your ligaments, I've never done anything like that, but it must have been horrible!
Dark-moon-Angel (dark-kitty@boxfrog.com)- Well, I've never been told I kick arse before! Thanks!
Darlana (coxg@lrc.edu)- Thanks for the dedication! I'm so happy you haven't given up on me yet! And I'd be more than happy to have them meet.
Sailor Grape- Well, putting it that way, how could I not make the masses happy, I might have a riot on my hands! And I can't say what will happen, but Usagi jumping out of her wheelchair is a possibility.hmmmm what an idea.
the Desert Fox- You're right, it would be really stupid to mention him, and never have him in the future chapters. In fact, I would say it would be a complete waste of time to have him before, and then not have him later.
Anonymous- I don't know how I'm going to pull it off either, why else do you think I have such a huge writers block, if it isn't because just thinking about it makes me sure I have no idea how to do it, and wonder what I'm gonna do.
Kat (star_0704@yahoo.com)- You know, I've never thought about it like that before. But it does make sense doesn't it, that they think I already know. That's really encouraging, THANKS!
AngelFlame- I certainly hope I can do it in this chapter, but it might end up really long for me to be able to fit it in. I hope you have time!
Whitefiremoon- I'll try. But this nasty writers block is slowing things down.
OtAkU- MUH HA HA HA HA! It's always good to know that my evil plan actually did work! Thanks for telling me!
Nada (??????)- Wow! That must have taken you a long time! I'm impressed. THANKS!
Angel of Death (Kawaii_Angel_ofdeath@yahoo.com)- Thanks for the help!
silver_punk- Wow, I really can't let that happen! But thanks for the warning, you really can never tell what someone might take seriously. I once had a girl tell me that my story reminded herself so much of her own life that she was able to put off committing suicide a little longer. The sad thing is that she was completely serious.
Cheska (not signed in) - I know! I can't believe it's finally time either, I just can't wait.
Erika (yutianz@msn.com)- Wow! That's really nice! But no, that isn't Usagi's real past, in fact, nothing in this story is real. It's just the wild imaginings of my crazy mind, and nothing more. But I'm glad you like the way I try to make everything so detailed. That's the most fun about writing this story, trying to imagine myself in their place, and then writing it from the new perspective.
Angela- That's a real nice thing so say, however, I can think up a few people who have talent I can only dream of. I still have a lot of work before I can put myself up with them.
NikkoS.P.-I just love suspense, don't you?
DraconisSenshi- Alright! I'll do it.
Usagi followed Quatre in her wheel-chair along with Duo and Wufei through the huge circus tent. She had no idea what was going on here, and whoever said 'ignorance is bliss' had never blindly followed a friend through clowns, and elephants, and past the tiger cages. She was really beginning to become very edgy. She used to like surprises, but sometime along the line that love had turned to an intense dread of the unknowing, that made her stomach feel like ice with the fear of something she couldn't expect.
Quatre was chattering away about what they were walking by, and her riding through. He was in a very good mood for a reason she didn't understand. Not very surprisingly, Duo was having the time of his life, making faces at the clowns, and otherwise acting like a little child on his first trip to the circus. As for Wufei.it was obvious he had no desire whatsoever to be there, and was glowering at everything that dared to look his way.
And so she went through the excitement of the circus before opening. It was funny how as a child she had always dreamed of doing what she was doing now, but now that she was here, she had a desire to run so intense, that she had to force herself to follow. There were so many faces around her, people she had never met before, and she had no idea who they were. What they wanted, and just if there was anything they wanted to do to her. There was a few times that she noticed that a clown or a woman dressed in a skimpy suit would look strangely at her, taking special notice of her silver hair, and white skin that were so uncommon as to be freakish she knew. She allowed herself a small chuckle. She probably looked more a clown than anyone else in this circus!
She was so lost in her thoughts, that by the time that Quatre finally did stop in front of one clown in particular, that it was Duo that had to grab her sleeve in order to keep her from moving right past them.
Quatre was like a small child that was just offered a sweet. He was positively beaming with excitement, and his eyes shown with a childish delight.
He gestured to the clown in front of them, and for the first time Usagi actually looked at the person that she realized was the real reason that they were here in the first place. 'He must be a friend of Quarto's she thought as she tried to smile at the unfamiliar face.
It was a man, and he was dressed in one of the oddest clown suits she had ever seen. It was all bright jingles, and full of colors, a stark contrast to her. He had one green eye that was looking oddly at her, and his other one was covered by brown bangs. He was very tall, and she had to keep herself from putting her wheel chair in reverse and running from him in fright, and keep that smile on her face, which she was sure looked forced.
Quatre was still watching them with excitement when he said. "Amei, I would like you to meet my friend Trowa, and Trowa; this is the girl I told you about." Usagi felt a stab of fear at the thought of someone talking about her without her knowing what they were saying, but she wasn't able to dwell on it as Trowa had his hand out at her and said. "hi." Usagi looked at his hand with distaste; she never understood the ritual of handshaking. For one thing before she always thought 'why shake hands when you can hug?' and now it was 'how can you actually be expected to touch someone when you've only just met?' she quickly shook it, and then snatched her hand back with a quick. "Hi." And then moved back so she would be sitting next to Duo. She hated her weakness to not even be able to meet someone without being afraid, and just prayed that in time it would pass and she could be almost as open as she once was. Never as naiveté and stupid, and hopefully as open.
She heard a footstep behind her, and whipped around at the sound. Her wheel chair responding like lightning to her desire to know what was behind her. And she made direct eye contact with a girl who had brilliant red hair. She looked almost as surprised as she was, but quickly recovered herself and said. "Hi, my name's Catherine. Who are you?" Usagi had no idea what to say, and so was very relieved when Quatre stepped forward and said. "We're friends of Trowa. I'm Quatre, the man glowering at you is Wufei, the guy with the braid is Duo, and the girl with the silver hair is Amei." Usagi didn't even try to smile as she looked at the woman, wondering who she was and what it was that she wanted. But thankfully she wasn't required to say anything as Catherine nodded, and turned to Trowa. "Trowa, we really need to rehearse for the show for a minute before the opening." And turned and walked away without another word.
Trowa just said "I gotta go.I'll see you after the show." and walked away.
***
Usagi was shocked when she found herself actually enjoying herself. She didn't laugh outright, but a time or two she would smile in appreciation at some trick the clown would do, or hold her breath when the tightrope walker would lose her balance for just a second, and then let it out when she recovered. At some points she almost felt like a little girl for just a second, and then the feeling would vanish like fog on a sunny day. Time flew by as she allowed herself the small freedom of enjoying herself in a strange place, and she didn't think about anything but what was in front of her. All of her old worries and fears were put on hold for just a second, and she had fun.
About an hour into the show, everyone left the stage. She thought for a second that it must be the end when she saw Trowa step out with his friend Catherine. Trowa was rolling a large wooden board, and Catherine was holding about 10 large throwing knifes in her hand. She knew even before they started to set up what they were going to do. This had always been her favorite part at the circus. And when Trowa went to stand in front of the board, and took the ropes and tied his hands up above his head, her breathing began to get quicker.
The Catherine took out one knife, and a flash of silver was all she saw before she saw it imbedded in the wood next to Trowa's head, and then another one appeared on the other side of his head. Two more on either side of his chest, and then two more on either side of his waist. And then four around his legs. Two on the inside and two on the outside. And each knife was close enough to actually catch the clothing. And that was it, they were done. Usagi finally let out the breath she had been holding, and Catherine went to Trowa and pulled the knives out of the wood while Trowa tried not to move. When he was finally freed they both took a step forward, and a deep bow. Everyone stood on their feet to give them a standing ovation, and Usagi being stuck in her wheel chair just clapped extra hard to show her appreciation for the fine performance. And the entire time she was thinking one thing. 'I wonder if I can learn to do that' and picturing a certain black haired baka whom she still loathed on that board, and with a careful aim missed.
And she found herself grinning wolfishly.
***
Lita walked down the street carrying a box of cookies. They were supposed to be having a scout meeting at Rei's house, just to talk about the possibility of future enemies. There hadn't been anything for a long time now, and since Usagi had disappeared there had been absolutely nothing. No one from the Negaverse, no Alan and Ann, it was just quiet.
Lita looked down at the box she was carrying in her hands. At times she didn't even know why she even came to these meetings anymore, let alone always brought enough food to feed an army. It always went uneaten, and no one even ate one of her cupcakes or cookies. They were just there, and they continued to sit there until they became cold, and she threw them in the garbage on the way home.
But it would have felt wrong to not bring all of the food, even if it went uneaten. It was almost like the food wasn't there, it would be another way to acknowledge the fact that Usagi was gone and she was never going to be coming back. That she had been in so much pain that she had killed herself and no one knew until it was too late. And even to this day it was still a mystery as to why. There was some hint in there as to maybe Mamoru had something to do with it, but everyone had instantly dismissed it. Usagi and Mamoru were meant to be together, and there was no way that he would have anything to do with the tragedy. And he was far more heartbroken than any one of them. His future Queen was gone, and the love of his life was forever denied to him. She couldn't even imagine how hard it was for him, and it was a shock that Usagi could kill herself. Especially knowing that Mamoru could never love anyone but her, and she would be sentencing him to a fate some might find worse than death. Living without his true love for the rest of his life. Some even wondered if he would follow Usagi to an early grave, and for the first couple of days after her death they had made sure to watch him carefully just to be sure. Because someone can only have one soul mate and she was his.
There were times that she would be so angry at Usagi that she would want to scream. And sometimes Lita couldn't understand where it would come from. Every one of them had their own way of dealing with the loss. Mina had become obsessed with her career, and hardly thought about anything else. Ami read her books more than ever before, and it was a rarity to see her relax even for a moment. Rei became even more absorbed in the temple, and that had become her life. Lita on the other hand.she sighed. The only things she could do was cook and fight. And so she would spend a period where she tried to cook large meals, and then have no one to feed. And she found that that didn't really work very well to try to dull the pain. Cooking was something that just gave you too much time to think, and it was also something that she so closely associated with Usagi. And usually she would end up throwing all of the food she had put so much thought into cooking into the garbage, and running to the gym. Or sometimes she would go to her punching bag that she had in her bedroom. The she would just beat on herself as she punched and kicked, and worked herself to exhaustion. Sometimes when she was in her bedroom she would just scream, and let out all of her frustration at the world. Her friends for becoming so distant when their link was gone, and most importantly of all...Usagi. She found that she loved the blonde girl far too much to just mourn her and more on. She was so important in her life, and she just didn't know what to think. Sometimes she would feel incredibly depressed, and other times she would suffer from blazing anger. It would consume her, and she battled feeling sorry for Usagi, and being angry with her for leaving her alone. For not coming to her when she needed help. And angry with herself for not noticing that something was wrong. And it wasn't like there weren't clues; it was just that she was so oblivious to them all.
** Flashback **
Lita was in the gym, trying to become stronger so that she would become a better fighter in the battles. Right now she was running on the treadmill and sweat was running down her forehead. She was completely exhausted, but she also didn't let that stop her. She was in that area of her endurance when she was beyond exhaustion, and she just kept right on going. She had found her second wind, and was enjoying the feeling of a hard day of exercise.
She continued on like that for about 10 more minutes when she finally slowed down to a walk, and eventually got off.
She went over to the bench where she was keeping her stuff, and picked up a small towel to wipe her face off with. She heard someone clearing their throat a few steps behind her, and she slowly turned around to see who it was, wondering if some cute guy had seen her working out and wanted her number or anything. 'ya right.dream on.' she thought and smiled as she saw that her mystery friend was Usagi. It was strange to see her in the workout room, but Lita didn't let any surprise show on her face as she smiled at her best friend.
"Hi Usa, it's good to see you!" She said cheerily and saw Usagi give her a large smile in return. 'Now that she thought about it, it didn't seem to be right when Usagi beamed up at her. Almost like a painted dolls face when it smiles, but doesn't seem real.'
Usagi seemed slightly nervous, and she shifted from foot to foot for a few minutes before Lita finally burst out. "Is there something you wanted?"
Usagi jumped about a foot into the air, and then seemed to collect herself. "Ya, Lita.you know how you're such a great fighter and everything, and well.I was wondering if there was any way that you could , maybe, teach me a little so I can protect myself."
Lita looked at Usagi in shock, not sure what to say. Usagi fought with energy attacks, and used her superhuman strength when she was transformed to fight. She didn't need to know anything about boxing. Lita considered it for a while, and finally came to a decision.
"Usagi, I know that you don't have the time to learn to fight because of all the time you spend with Mamoru and everything else you do. And I can understand how you might be nervous, but there haven't been any attacks lately, and I don't think you have anything to worry about. And besides, I'll protect you. So will everyone else and you know that." Lita was so sure she said the right thing, and waited for Usagi to put her fears to rest and go back to the arcade or something she would actually like to do.
Usagi looked uncertain, as if she wasn't sure what to say, but Lita knew that she had done the right thing and Usagi was looking for an easy exit that didn't make her seem foolish . Lita just smiled and nodded, and Usagi finally mumbled.
"Well.if you're sure about this, and there's no way you will say yes. I guess I'll go home and..yes, I'll eat. That sounds good. Well Lita, thanks for everything, and I hope to see you really soon." Usagi then whipped around and practically ran out of the room.
** End Flashback **
Lita felt something moist on her cheeks, and wasn't very surprised to see that she had been crying. It wasn't uncommon when she was thinking about Usagi. But the memory was so vivid, and she could still see the expressions on Usagi's face when they were talking on that day that had never been important to her before. But now that she thought about it seriously, she should have known that something was wrong. What she had just shrugged off as inconsequential very well might be a clue as to what was wrong with Usagi. And the look in Usagi's eyes when she had said no.it was something that had never seen there before. It wasn't gratitude, and it wasn't happiness. It was an overwhelming fear, a fear of a hope gone.
Lita started to run faster and faster towards the temple, letting the tears flow off of her cheeks as she ran and her hair whipped behind her in the wind that her momentum she created. It was all so clear now, and she wanted to scream for not seeing it before. Something had been wrong with more long before she had met her end, and the one time that she had asked Lita for help, she hadn't even seen it. She had been blind to her friends' emotions, and in the end it had killed her. It wasn't Usagi's fault that she was dead and gone.it was all her fault for not being there when her friend needed her. And when she said that she would protect Usagi from harm.she was just lying to the girl that needed her.
Finally her legs began to ache, and the pain didn't go away. With a scream loud enough to wake the dead, she threw the box of cookies into the distance, not even looking to see where it landed. But she heard the smash in the distance, sounding just like the smashing of all of her hopes, and her friends' dreams.
***
Usagi lay down on her bed, looking at the ceiling.thinking. Trowa had moved in with them after the performance. He gave some vague excuse about wanting a break from the excitement, but he hadn't been very specific. He hadn't said much at all as a matter of fact. And she wasn't quite sure what to think about the new addition. Sure, she had gotten used to new people before, but it was like his arriving interrupted the safe life she had made for herself. The routine that she had spent so much time around suddenly spun out of control, and she didn't know what to do about it.
Because she couldn't continue on as she had been with another person in the house. It just didn't seem right. Like she should try to do something with him as well, so there won't be a possible enemy that she doesn't know about. That was her new philosophy in life. Know your enemy. As long as she was on friendly terms with everyone in the house, than no one would be able to hurt her without her having some sort of warning first.
But she shoved that into the back of her mind for later. There was something much more important that she needed to do. As she had been studying all that Wufei taught her, and thinking about all that she had known about physical fighting in her previous life.she had come to a decision. That was that there was no way she could stay with these people forever, and once she was gone she would need to defend herself. And there was no way that she could do that just by having knowledge in her head. She would need to practice if she was ever able to be any good. And while she couldn't do that with Wufei, or while any of the other people who were sure she was crippled for life was in the room, she could still do it by herself.
It had taken a long time to come to this decision, mainly for fear of being caught. Usagi was sure that sometime along the line while she was doing push-ups or something that Quatre would walk into the room, or that if she was doing a particularly loud activity, the boys would get worried and come and see what the matter was. But most of all she was scared about the rejection she would get if they saw her body changing (as she knew it would) and as she would come stronger.
Quatre, Duo, and Wufei were all nice guys, and she respected them. She had also come to rely on the friendship they gave her more than she cared to admit. And the thought of losing it and being all alone in the world seemed dreadful to her. It would be like her losing the friends she had before when she left her life, and she wasn't sure if she would ever be able to handle that kind of pain again. She still lived with the knowledge of all of the lies, and the deceit from before. The dreadful knowledge that in another world were people who loved her and thought that she was dead, and there was nothing she could do about it without giving up the life she now led. Without going back to the life that she had nearly killed her. Because there was no way that she would ever be able to handle those situations again. She still couldn't believe she had held out as long she did. With only half of a soul, and a constant desire to end the life that tormented her.
No, she was here to stay, and if it the situation got to be unbearable, she could always leave again.
But for now she brushed those thoughts out of her mind, and climbed out of her wheelchair. Moving slowly, because she hadn't done this in a long time she got down on her hands and knees and started attempting to do push-ups.
***
Dr. J looked out of the observation window at the boy who was his pupil.his weapon.
Heero was sitting with his back against the wall, with his chin resting on his knees. He had this almost dreamlike look on his face, and a slight smile curving his lips.
Dr. J snarled in frustration.
He had spent so much time, money, and effort on creating his perfect weapon. An emotionless soldier, who followed orders without thought. Almost like a robot but with the ability to think and act like a human did. And he was so sure he succeeded as well. It had all been going according to plan. Heero was a Gundam Pilot, and he had done what no one had ever thought remotely possible. All of the other Dr's had second rate pilots in his opinion. Civilians who were in this war for their own reasons, and didn't depend solely on them. Unreliable at best, and able to turn at a thought. And oh how he had gloated, and had been proud of his accomplishment.
And then.this happened. His whole project had come crashing down, and the worst part was he didn't have the slightest clue why! It was like the boy he had known was gone, and replaced by something completely different. His soldier didn't respond to anything he did or said. He ate sparingly, and didn't seem to even taste the food, and ate it only to stay alive. Finally he had decided that seclusion was the only option, and that living without even the slightest speck of light would draw him out of his state. After all, a human would surely go crazy being stuck in the dark that long, and wouldn't be able to handle it.
But Heero had seemed more at home in the blackness than Dr. J had ever seen him. He almost seemed to melt in with it, and since his seclusion, all action had basically ceased. He just dreamed his own dreams, and did things Dr. J couldn't even begin to imagine in his head.
Dr. J couldn't stand to look at the sad site any longer, and turned away in disgust. He would do something about the problem soon, or soon Heero would finally break. He would give the boy a month to go back to himself, and then he would have to take drastic measures.he shuddered at the thought.
***
Trowa held a knife in his hand, thinking. And while his mind was deeply absorbed in his thoughts he twirled it through his fingers in complex patterns without even looking.
And he was thinking about Amei.
Quatre had mentioned a girl that they had found and taken care of, but he hadn't been very descriptive. He had mentioned that she was crippled, and went everywhere in a wheel-chair, but he had never said anything about her bizarre appearance.
He never said that she looked like an angel, with her silver hair, and white skin. And he had never aid a thing about those eyes. The eyes that were almost black, with specks that made him think of a starry night. And he never expected for her to be so.so cold. Like she didn't want anything to do with the world, and blocked everything else out. But he had seen one thing that she didn't know about. He had glanced over, and seen the look of fascination on her face when Catherine was doing her knife throwing. And he had seen the naked desire there. The same desire he had when he was just a kid.the desire for knowledge.
But it was the fact that she reminded him so much of himself when he saw her. Her shuttered face looked so much like his own, and the pain in those eyes were almost a mirror of that pain he saw in his eyes every morning. And for some reason he just felt the strangest urge to remove some of that pain from her eyes. And to see her entire face light up like he felt it should always be.
It was beyond a doubt one of the odd feelings he ever had before. It was almost like he knew her, even though it was impossible, and she was a piece of the life he had been trying to piece together from his scattered memories. And when he was still suffering from amnesia, he would sometimes have dreams of a girl with golden hair that he had been so sure was his past, but now knew couldn't be. And Amei reminded him so much of her.
There was no doubt about the fact that someway, somehow she was important in his life. He knew it as surely as he knew that he was sitting there. And he had an idea as to how to find out why.
**
Heero leaned his head against the wall, and sighed. Somehow he had never thought coming back to the real world would be like this. At first sight he had seen everything beautiful he couldn't remember seeing before.at least not for real. But ever since he had come 'home' he had been poked and probed, and then been surrounded by blackness. He was sure it was an attempt to break him. To force him into once more becoming what they think he once was. But really.he didn't see the point. They would never believe the truth, and only call him, and his life nothing more than a crazed dream. And they would say that Usagi is only made up, and she was never real. And that was one thing he was sure he couldn't stand to hear, so what would be the point in telling anyone. He just allowed the blackness to consume him, and in it he found a comfort he had never imagined would be there. It was like a home he never had, and he allowed his mind to drift and to dream. As he pictured himself in a place far from here, with a woman who was forever out of his reach. And he refused to think about anything else, because when he did.he didn't think he could cope.
**
Usagi sat in at a table in Quatre's immense library. Right now she was currently studying the ideology of evolution. The idea was just so bizarre. How could they possibly be the descendants of monkeys? It was such a strange thought, that she wanted to laugh at the idea. Sure, she had seen them in zoos and such, but to think that one of those large hairy apes could be her great-grandfather made her want to laugh aloud!
The sound of footsteps behind her made her smile for a second before she turned, sure that Duo had come in for a visit, and he always managed to cheer her up. But when she saw the man who was in front of her the smile fell off of her lips, and she was left with nothing to say.
**
Trowas heart fell when he saw the smile of greeting that Usagi gave him leave her face when she actually saw who he was. It was crazy, but for just an instant he had thought she had been glad to see him, and the mere thought made him feel so.it was a feeling hard to describe. It was like a warm feeling that started in his heart and spread to fill his whole body. But when her face turned expressionless, his body turned cold.
Trowa shrugged those wild feelings away so he could concentrate. He was here for a reason, and he might as well do what he came here to do. He needed to find out how she fit into his life, and the only way he could see to do that was to get close to her. And as strange as it was.he tried to sound welcoming as he spoke his proposal in as few words as possible.
**
Usagi stared in shock at Trowa, as she thought over what he had said. It just seemed to be so unlike him, and so totally unexpected. But how on earth could she say know. She had started wanted to learn knife tricks when she had first seen them at the circus, but had never thought it possible. And now here this almost stranger comes up to her out of the blue, and offers to teach her.
But it was just the opportunity she had been looking for to get closer to Trowa so he wouldn't be a danger to her, and despite herself she found her head nodding, and her lips moving to say. "Alright, if you want to teach me I'm sure I could learn. At least it's something I can do in this vile chair."
**
Trowa tried to keep the smile off his lips as he said. "Ok, we can start tomorrow with little sticks I own to practice with."
And turned around and walked away.
**
Now, this is the end of this PART of this chapter. I'm sorry everyone, I was really hoping that I would get Heero to meet Usagi in the real world right now, but I promised I would have them meet in this chapter so I guess I'll have to split it into 2 parts. It just wasn't possible. I have to have over a month before I can have them meet, and I just can't do that in a paragraph, and if you ever check you will see that this chapter is 10 pages long, and over 6,000 words, which is by far the longest I've ever written. But now I can solidly promise that they WILL meet in the next chapter, and the climax I've been planning for over a year now will finally be done.
So I'll have it out really soon, and I can't wait to read your comments in your reviews!
Or seriously, you can feel free to email me at sirencalling@yahoo.com for anything you have to say. I just love to talk, so anything is more than welcome.
Ja ne! Siren