oh kay! Here's the next one! Thanks everyone for your reviews! (Ps. Shadofox: I apperciate your review, but please try not to be so crude, there might be younger people reading this. Thanks!)

-Monty Python-

Chapter 3

The Mines of Boria

The Fellowship made their way down the mountain and trudged along until they came to a gloomy pass, where huge grey walls rose up on one side, and a murky lake on the other.

"Do not touch the water," said Pippin cautiously.

"Stuff it, maggots! I'm trying to find the door," said Gandalf crossly. "All I need is starlight, and moonlight... Ah Haaaaa! It reads:

The doors of Durin, Lord of Moria, speak enemy of the enemy, and enter."

"What do you suppose that means?" asked Merry.

"Well it's quite simple. If you are a an enemy of THE enemy, you speak the password and the doors will open. Annon Edhellen edro hi ammen. Fennas Nogothrim lasto beth lammen!" The doors did not open! So he tried something different. "Ando Eldarinwa a lasta quettanya, Fenda Casarinwa!" It still did not work.

"Nothing's happening," said Pippin.

Gandalf pushed against the door, but to no avail. They were shut fast.

Then Boromir threw a rock into the water. "Urrrrgh! No matter how hard I try, I can never skip stones!" he sat down in a huff.

"You Idiot! don't touch the water!" shrieked Pippin.

"Bossy Brat!" screamed Boromir in reply.

"Big- Nosed Bloat!" yelled Pippin

"You..."

"Button up!" screeched Gandalf covering his ears. Just then, some ripples appeared in the water.

"What's that?" cried Aragorn shakily.

"It's a riddle!" said Sam. "Speak Enemy of the enemy, and Enter. What's the Elvish word for Enemy?"

Gandalf said, "I dunno, I only know the elvish word for friend is MELLON," he sighed. The doors creaked open.

"Dude it WAS a riddle! If you are an enemy of the enemy that means you're a friend!" sang out Pippin.

Sam gave Boromir a High Five. They all walked inside, but before much happened, Frodo let out a girly scream, "EEEEEEKKKKK!" And Aragorn was so frightened, that he did the same: "EEEEEEEKKKKK!" A huge tentacle had grabbed Frodo's ankle and was swinging him around in the air.

"Whee hee heee HEEEEEEEEEE!" giggled Frodo.

Aragorn screamed, "Togo hon dad,

Legolas! Dago hon!"

(Bring him down, Legolas, kill him!)

Legolas replied stupidly, "Who? The octopus or Frodo?"

Gandalf screamed, "The octopus, you moron!"

Legolas shouted, "Hado i philinn!" (Release the arrows!)

Legolas shot the Octopus, or the Watcher, and caught Frodo as he fell. Aragorn was cowering under a ledge, whimpering, and now rushed into the mines shrieking. "AIEEEEEEEEEEKKKKK! RUN AWAY!" The Fellowship all ran in.

"Nothing remains, but to get an ice cream cone. Be on you guard. There are icier things than ice cream in the deep places of the world," said Gimli.

As they trudged through narrow winding passages, and along steep pits, everyone was almost silent, except for the occasional squealing of Aragorn as he glanced downward. They finally settled down at a large opening, with three passages each going a different direction. They stopped and had some "Vittles" as Boromir called them. Aragorn was giving his usual, Poor me, routine, and looked very disgusted when the hobbits started stuffing their faces and mumbling thing like, "Mwuffaw gluscie shmmoks haaskiff."

The next day they came to a room the only light came through a little window high in the wall. It shone down onto a stone tomb. The writing on the tomb said, 'Here lies Balin, son of Fundin.' Then, Pippin knocked an old laptop and printer off a ledge and into a mineshaft.

"Confound it all Peregrine Took, have you been eavesdropping?" hollered Gandalf.

"I haven't been dropping no eaves sir, honest. I was just cutting the grass under the widow there, if you'll follow me."

"A little late to be trimming the verge, don't you think?"

"I heard raised..."

"Okay people. Frodo's fate is no longer in our hands. It has all been in vain. The fellowship has failed," sulked Aragorn.

They all heard drums, drums in the deep.

Then orcs rushed into the room.

"You're late," said Frodo.

"An orc is never late, Frodo Baggins. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to," snarled a ferocious little orc. Then an enormous cave troll barged in. Sam ducked to avoid one of her powerful strokes. The cave troll said kindly, "My friends, you bow to no one."

Sam took the cave troll's extended hand, and the two began a Latino salsa dance. The cave troll, who happened to be a girl, was named Susanne, and took the thing that looked closest to, and smelled most like a flower. Legolas. She stuck him between her teeth and did the tango with Sam at her side.

A huge orc growled, "The orcs do not suffer the living to pass.

Merry replied, "You will suffer me." Then he chopped off the orc's head. The cave troll stabbed Frodo with a spear, but fortunately, he had his mithril rings on so the blow did him no fatal damage. But the others did not know about his shirt, so they all presumed that he was dead. Legolas shot the troll with three dozen arrows, and she fell dead. He bowed his head, and said sadly, "A red sun rises; blood has been spilt this night."

"DUH!" scoffed Gimli glancing disapprovingly at the elf.

Frodo raised his head and grinned. "I feel, like I'm back at the green dragon after a hard day's work."

Pippin had his fists clenched and his teeth barred. "You shrimp of a hobbit! Nasty line thief!"

"You're alive! You should be dead!" exclaimed Gandalf.

"You want to get rid of me that badly, huh?" moaned Frodo shaking his head sadly.

"EEEEWWWW! AGGADD! BlOOOD!" squealed Aragorn covering his eyes.

"Oh man up, Sissy," said Boromir wiping his horn.

"You! You and that stupid horn! You always are obsessing on it. I'm sick of you and your horn!" Aragorn babbled, frantically waving his arms.

"We must flee! I sense some new devilry! RUN!" shrieked Gandalf running for the nearest passage.

"Wow! For an old geezer he sure can sprint!" said Merry with a guffaw.

"Come on! Run!" screamed Aragorn dashing after Gandalf, his sword drawn.

They all followed. They made their way down many stairs until they came to the Tunnel.

"Wait! That's in the third movie!" shrieked Pippin.

Oh yeah. Anyway, they made their way down many flights of stairs until they came to a portion of the stairs that was broken off. They looked down at a nasty drop, which no being could ever hope to survive.

"We are in grave peril," Boromir said calmly.

Legolas, being a very nasty showoff, lightly leaped the expanse with no qualms whatsoever. He motioned Gandalf to jump. Gandalf looked scared, and then shut his eyes and vaulted across. He landed easily and then Boromir giving Aragorn a smirk and a quick toss of the head took Merry under one arm, and Pippin under the other and shot over the chasm. Just as he did, the ground that had been under him gave way. All the rest scrambled to get off the eroding section.

"We must go, Frodo!" shouted Aragorn grabbing Frodo by his shoulders.

"I know what I must do; it's just, I'm afraid to do it." With that said, Frodo grabbed Aragorn's arm and flew across the depth.

After everyone had made it over, they heard behind them a menacing growl.

"I have a bad feeling about this," said Aragorn shakily.

"It's Saruman!" shouted Gandalf.

"No it isn't. No it isn't," said pippin.

"It's a Balrog from Morgoth. One of the Dunedain rangers I thought it was," said Legolas

"Morons! This is no time for tomfoolery! We must ride! Ride to ruin and the world's ending! Death! Death! DEATH!" screamed Gandalf.

Boromir rolled his eyes. "That's in the last movie. Now if all of you want to be devoured, then I suggest that you stay where you are and continue being strange. If you don't want to be eaten, then follow me."

All of them followed him, but it was too late. A fearful crash was sounded behind them and out sprung a fiery demonic form. It bounded out in front of the Fellowship.

"Quick! To Buckleberry Ferry!" shouted Merry.

As they were running, Sam shouted, "No, no you big head lout! It's 'To the bridge of Chasad Dum!'"

They scampered over the narrow bridge as quickly as they could.

"Wow! A car sure couldn't make it over that shrimp of a bridge," remarked Pippin swiping his forehead with the back of his arm .

"There aren't any cars in this story, Peregrine Took!" said Gandalf sulkily.

"Peregrine took what?" asked the Balrog brainlessly.

"HEY BARRY!" a loud voice yelled, "Didja get da ice cream I ordered?"

Everyone looked in the direction from where the voice was coming. It was Wayne Newton!

The Balrog stopped short, hung his head in utter frustration. Then the Balrog whose name happened to be Barry growled back, "NOOOOOOO! I can't believe I actually took this job! Every time I try and deliver ice cream, it melts in three seconds."

"But," said Wayne, "You're so darn big. You can get the job done in half the time."

"Not if it's melted," sulked Barry cracking his whip.

This reminded everyone of their sudden peril and they all encouraged Gandalf to meet the foe. (They were all somewhat grumpy about being called Maggots.) So he did.

"I am a servant of the Secret Fire, Wielder of the Flame of Arnor. Go back to the Shadow."

Then Barry, who was already somewhat upset over his job, bellowed and stepped onto the bridge. All the while, Aragorn was whimpering that the heat was making him sweat, and that he wanted to be back home with a soft mattress and a lovely feather pillow. To which Frodo smacked him. Of course, Aragorn began to cry.

Meanwhile Gandalf told himself that all this talk with Barry was pointless, and that trying to outrun him would be a much more efficient use of time. "Besides," he thought, "then I can try out these new sneakers I bought at Footprints," he sniggered.

Legolas was whining "I need a holiday, a very long holiday. Maybe to the Caribbean, to see my good pal Johnny Depp or South Carolina or even Nevada."

"Idiot! What's in Nevada? Nothing! Except casinos! As for myself, I would rather go to California," said Gimli.

As they were debating, Gandalf had fallen over the cliff. No one missed him much, except for the fact that they were lost, and didn't know what they were supposed to do. They last heard him as he was falling, shouting his last words, "MAAAGGOTs!"

"Well, I never saw anything like it in my en-tire life," squealed Aragorn.

The Fellowship quickly scampered out of the mines and all were pondering about where to go.

"Where are we going, and what are we going to do?" asked Boromir.

"Well if anyone asked my opinion, which I know they're not; I'd say we were taking the long way 'round. We could go through the mines of Moria," Suggested Gimli.

"Idiot! Moron! Nincompoop! We just passed through the mines of Moria! I say that we make our way to Lothlorien. There is danger there that does not sleep. And a great Eye..." cried Boromir.

"Yeeeehaaa! I was quite worried about my hair. Lorien is the perfect Place!" hollered Legolas.