Here's the next chapter! After this, it's on to the second book! hahahaha!
Lorien
"I am Haldir of Lothlorien. Follow me or perish," the head elf commanded.
"Ha. Follow that old oaf? I think not," muttered Frodo under his breath.
They stopped after about a day's worth of tramping. Pippin wondered if Haldir really was a deer. He thought it was spelled, Haldeer. So he asked. As would have been expected, Haldir was quite angry, and became more still when Legolas asked for some Suave shampoo and conditioner.
"No! I am not a deer, and we do not have Suave shampoo, only Loreal. Get it, Lorien, Loreal. Forget it."
Legolas was greatly disappointed. As for Pippin, he was quite taken aback at the abrupt mannerisms of Haldir. Although, he was glad that Haldir was not some deranged form of a were wolf, or a hal deer.
Boromir was dialing Gondor on his cell phone and was talking to his dad when Aragorn sauntered up to him and whisked the phone away.
"There are no cell phones in this movie. Only horses, you muttonhead," he grinned evilly at his remark.
"Pinhead!"
"Knucklehead!
"Ninny"
"Dunderhead"
"Dingbat!"
"Oh would you two just shut up!" howled Haldir.
Legolas was whining that he needed a shower or preferably a bubble bath.
Then a white light shone down on them. It was Galadriel. "Travelers from distant lands, Friends of old, we are gathered here in this dark hour..."
"Oh be quiet Galadriel. That's in the beginning," said Celeborn severely.
"Right. I knew that. Anyway, you all are tired, go now, and rest," she spoke.
"But Gandalf's dead! Aren't you gonna ask us about him?" sniveled Aragorn.
"Who? That old meathead? Are you kidding? In fact, I am so glad to be rid of him that I could sing! Born free! As free as the wind blows! As free as the grass grows! Born free!" She skipped around the ledge.
All the while Legolas was carefully braiding his hair into cornrows.
"Dude, that looks nasty," said Boromir looking shocked.
"Yeah, you're just jealous 'cause I have better looks, better hair, and a better dad. Man! I just have it all!"
"My dad is ten times better than yours. He even met the President once, and, and, and, and! He also threw the first pitch in a Yankee's world series game," said Boromir proudly.
"Yeah? Well the Red Sox are one hundred times better than the Yankees are. The Red Sox have Johnny Damon, who almost has as nice hair as I do. He doesn't use as much Garnier Fruitics, so shut up," retorted Legolas.
"Don't tell me to be quiet, Girly-Boy!" shouted Boromir smacking Legolas' hair.
Galadriel said fiercely to Boromir, "Didn't your father teach you not to hit ladies?"
"Hey! I'm a male elf!" Legolas said morosely.
"Galadriel narrowed her eyes at him. " You watch your back." Then she turned away.
Legolas dug into his pocket and brought out a kerchief. He loudly blew his nose, and brought out a mirror to see if all his whimpering had made his nose red. It had. His nose looked like a freshly picked Macintosh apple. He let out a scream as he saw what Boromir had done to his neat cornrows. "You evildoer! How could you?" yelled Legolas Punching Boromir's horn. As you might guess, this soon became an all-out brawl.
That night Galadriel yanked Frodo out of a sound sleep. She dragged him sown some stairs and to a little glade with a fountain in the middle.
"Look in the mirror," she said.
"What will I see?" said Frodo cautiously.
"Things that are, things that were, and some things, that have not yet come to pass."
"Aww, what the heck," said Frodo marching up to the pool.
"Mwahhahaahaaheeheehee," she cackled evilly.
Frodo peeped into the still water. As he expected, he saw only the reflection of the stars and trees. He was enraged. "You old Phony... Huh?" As he said 'Phony' suddenly, he saw a picture of cotton candy. And into the pink sugary delight were cut the words: Under Me. "But," questioned Frodo, "Under Me doesn't seem to make much sense." The all of a sudden, his brain became clear! And he figured out what has perplexed him! "That's from the Silver Chair!" he hollered lividly.
Galadriel was stumped. How could such a thing have happened? "There must be something wrong with my magic water," she gasped.
Frodo quickly scampered away.
A few days later, the Fellowship left Lothlorien. They were given boats, and some presents. To Legolas, Galadriel gave a pretty, new bow and arrows and she specially ordered for him some Suave shampoo and conditioner. Also, a travel case filled with soaps, moisturizers, sprays, and other knick-knacks. To Boromir she gave a golden belt. To Sam, she gave some heathline, or elven rope. She gave Merry and Pippin each a shiny knife and belt. And to Frodo, she gave the light of earandil, their most beloved star. She did not give Aragorn anything because he was so wimpy. And she groaned and moaned as she pulled out three of her hairs for Gimli, while Legolas watched in horror. After that day, Legolas considered her the bravest person he'd ever met.
They paddled downstream all the while,
Legolas was singing, "Row, row, row your boat,
gently down the stream! Merrily, merrily, merrily,
life is but a dream!"
"That's true for him," muttered Boromir plunging his paddle into the swift current.
Aragorn was complaining that all the rowing was giving him blisters. And when Gimli told him to shut it, as usual, he began to cry.
They finally made camp on the bank. Early in the morning as Legolas was vigilantly globbing smoother onto his hair, Frodo was wandering away from camp. He came upon some stone figures, and an old structure. He heard muffled sobs as if someone was blubbering. He crept towards the noise and surprisingly enough, it led him to Boromir!
"Are you ok?" asked Frodo worriedly.
"Oh Frodo," bawled Boromir, "I really, really need your ring! It is our people who are dying, our blood is being spilt. Long has my father the Steward..."
"Wait! I will not give you the Ring. This Day, we fight! For all that you hold dear," vociferated Frodo contemptuously.
"WAHHHHHHAAAAAAHAAAAHAAAA!" grieved Boromir piteously. "Gimme it!" he shrieked clutching at Frodo frantically.
"Leave me alone, snake!" yelled Frodo slipping the ring on, and then soundly giving Boromir a kick.
"What! You gave me a kick! A present for me! You're so thoughtful!" cried Boromir unintelligently.
Meanwhile Frodo was running full speed up the hill and away from the delirious Boromir. "Thickhead numbskull," he reflected. Then of course as being Frodo, he couldn't go at least five minutes without falling down, so what did he do? He fell.
Before he dropped off into La-La Land, he smartly drew the ring off his finger and stuck it into his pocket not so smartly. Because as every educated person knows, if something is in your pocket, and you are knocked out cold, then someone could take it out. Nice going Frodo! Anyway, it just so happened that Gollum was still lingering about and by chance saw Frodo take the ring off and put in his pocket. (See, what'd I tell ya!) And luckily, Aragorn came up to Frodo and started doing the Heimlich Maneuver on him. Unluckily, Aragorn was not the brightest fellow. In any case, Frodo being shoved out of a sound coma, spluttered, and Aragorn did one final shove right into Frodo's gut.
"Oaff, hack, hack!" coughed Frodo violently. He sat up. "What the...?" he demanded glaring at Aragorn and holding his now very sore stomach.
"I just want to help!" wailed Aragorn piteously.
"Ya lousy sissy!" shrieked Frodo fervently, "That was Sam's line, and you know it. Besides, you do not do the Heimlich Maneuver on someone who isn't choking, ya idiot! You could have severely injured me!"
Aragorn started crying again, and Frodo, quite disgusted, started walking back to camp. Just then, he heard some ferocious snarls and growls. He looked over his shoulder, and saw...Uruk-Hai! And another thing caught his attention. Was it Aragorn cowering under a ledge? No, that was not any great surprise, but the fact that the head Uruk, who happened to be called Lurtz, was croaking, "Find the halflings, Arrrggghh, find the halflings," was a little unnerving!
Uruk-Hai
Frodo, being not the cleverest of hobbits, for the moment forgot that he was a hobbit, and that the Uruks were looking for him. So he stood rooted to his position. Then the Uruks spotted him. He came to his senses and bolted. To save Frodo, Merry and Pippin shouted and waved their arms at the Uruk-Hai, and drew them away from Frodo.
"Why are we saving Frodo?" asked Pippin, panting as he ran for dear life.
Merry shrugged.
Meanwhile Frodo hastened to the river. He scrambled into the craft and tried to paddle. "Aww," he muttered "it stinks bein' shrimpy," he said vainly rowing.
Sam scurried out of the woods. "I'll go with you Frodo, just let me try drowning first." He began to sink.
Frodo grabbed him by his hair. "Stupid, fat hobbit; he ruins it!" he yowled. Then he had a change of heart. "I'm glad to be with you Samwise Gamgee, here at the end of all things.
In the meantime, the Uruk-Hai had captured Merry and Pippin, and had shot Boromir. "Ooohh!" cried Aragorn coming upon the injured Boromir, "what type of gun did they use? An F-14, a G-23? Tell me!"
"Not...a...gun. A...bow...and...arrow," said Boromir struggling for breath.
"Nuts," said Aragorn.
They left Boromir, thinking that he was dead. But he was not. After they were gone, he sprung up and cackled, "Mwahaha! I so totally fooled those lamebrains," he said pulling a fake arrow out of his "stomach." He then reached into his bag and selected two pointy prosthetic ears, and a long, blonde wig. "Teeheehee!" he sniggered iniquitously, "This'll fool 'em." He glued the ears on, placed the wig on his head, and sneaked after Aragorn, Gimli, and Legolas.