Here's the next one! R&R pleeze!
Book Two: The Two Towers
Into Mordor
Frodo and Sam were climbing over hill and under dale, well, actually more over hill than under dale. Anyways, Sam found that the elven rope that Galadriel had given him came in very handy. He and Frodo were shuffling down a cliff, using his rope. It was quite thin, so therefore hard to grip. They also got nasty rope burn. They finally made their way to the bottom, and Sam caught some conies.
Sméagol bounded up and hissed, "Nasssty hobbitsess. I wasss sssuppposssed to catch the coniesss."
Sam mocked, "They catch you, they catch you!"
"Filthy little Hobbitsss; they stole it from us!"
"Oh get away, Gollum," said Frodo pushing him away.
"Fine! For now!" he snarled and slinked away into the dusk.
Meanwhile, Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli were hot on the trail of the Uruk-Hai. Gimli was having a hard time keeping up with Aragorn and Legolas and kept lagging behind. Legolas was becoming quite annoyed with him, and kept shouting at him, "Come on, Gimli, don't be a slug." Gimli was enraged, and tried coming up with his own insults, and whenever Legolas came up with a particularly good one, he would say, "That's not bad for a pointy eared elvish princling." Then he would call Legolas something worse.
Boromir, who was trailing them decided not to follow Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli for they argued too much, but decided to try to catch up with Frodo and Sam.
As Aragorn, the elf, and the dwarf rose over a hill, they spotted the Rohirriam. The horsemen circled the travelers, and Eomer said, "There are no travelers in this land; only spies of Sauron. Bind their hands."
"Waiiiiiiit!" screamed Aragorn cowering. "GAH! We are no spies! GAH! We are friendly to Rohan and to Theoden you king! GAhhhhOUCH," he ended as Legolas socked him on the ear.
"Theoden no longer recognizes friend from foe," said Eomer sadly. "Not even his own kin. He's beginning to go senile."
"We track a party of Uruk-Hai. They've taken two of our friends captive," said Legolas.
"The Uruks are dead; we slaughtered them during the night," said Eomer glancing awkwardly at the Three.
"Alive? Uh, I mean, dead?" gasped Gimli disbelievingly.
Eomer nodded. Then he whistled. Two horses were brought forth; one white, one black.
"That is one of the Mareas, unless my eyes are cheated by some spell," said Legolas proudly glancing at the white horse.
"Ya nincompoop." That's no orc horn," alleged Aragorn intently.
"Whaddya mean, 'no orc horn'?" inquired Gimli dramatically waving his arms in the air.
"I meant that is no Mareas," sighed Aragon glancing at Eomer who was relatively disgusted.
"This is not a Mareas," Eomer agreed.
"I say 'That is no orc horn later in this movie, Aragorn, you imbecile!" groaned Legolas grabbing his bow.
Boromir, meanwhile, was struggling to find the hobbits. "Where are the li'l rascals?" he muttered while trying unsuccessfully to scale an overhanging cliff.
One foggy morning, through the dusk, he caught sight of them. He reached for his horn to give them a welcome blow, but then he remembered that it had fallen into the river while he was trying to cross it. So he placed his hands over his mouth and blew. The product was a sort of yowl. The hobbits were, at the moment, being guided by Gollum. To learn how that came about, we will have to go back about a day or so.
It was barely dusk and the hobbits were going to bed. Sam kneeled down on the ground and chanted, "Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep. If I should die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take."
"You will die, you fat hobbit!" sneered Gollum shifting down the cliff.
With a sudden inspiration, Frodo pulled out the ring.
"We wants it, Precioussss," Gollum hissed lunging at Frodo. Sam caught Gollum by the ankles and heaved him off of Frodo. Then he pinned him to the ground. "Who are you?"
"Mustn't ask us; not it's businesssss."
"Gandalf said you life was a sad story. Sméagol. Sméagol, that was your name once, wasn't it?"
"My name, my name! Sm...Ss...Sméagol!
"Hold it. That comes when we're in the Dead marshes," said Frodo disapprovingly.
"Yeah, whatever," replied Sam.
"I won't hurt Masster; Sméagol wouldn't hurt a fly! We will swear on...on the Precious!"
"Okay, but you must really mean it!" answered Frodo warily.
"Hereby do I swear fealty and allegiance to Gondor. In sickness or heath, in living or dying. From this hour will I henceforth..." spoke Gollum, but Sam rudely interrupted him.
"He's lying!" he yelled.
"I will not be interrupted!" Gollum quoted.
"Are you Lady Catherine de Bourgh?" asked Frodo, "Cause that's my favorite movie. I love the dancing parts!" He grabbed Sam's hand and did a little twirl.
Sam rolled his eyes.
"Once Pride and Prejudice takes hold of us, it never lets go!" whispered Gollum fervently.
"Come you two, we must be getting on, we'll never reach Mordor at this rate," spoke Sam ushering Frodo off his feet.
"Rate...hmmmm, what does Rate remind me of...oh yeah! Rate times Time equals Distance! Rate times Time equals Distance!" and Frodo, saying this trudged on.
They then, heard Boromir's call. Ding-a Ling! No, you moron! Not a phone call, his mouth call. Whatever. At any rate, they spotted him and thought he was an elf! In fact, they thought he was Legolas! So they climbed up to meet him. When they reached him, the two hobbits looked at him funny.
"Who in the heck are you? Cause you sure aren't Legolas." asked Frodo.
"Whaddya mean, 'Who am I?' And why couldn't I be Legolas," said the stranger.
"Well, for one thing, elves don't have beards. Another, where is your backpack filled with shampoo, conditioner, smoother, elastics, and other hair care stuff?" inquired Frodo.
"Nuts, I forgot about the beard," muttered Boromir, moodily.
All during the conversation, Sam had been looking at the "elf" extremely intently, and he suddenly realized who it was! "You're Boromir!" he exclaimed, and smoothed down his jacket, or actually his cloak; it was somewhat blustery.
Boromir appeared dejected and pulled off the blonde wig, revealing his reddish-brown hair, and the fake ears off his normal ones. "You have a stout heart little hobbit," he quoted Aragorn from The Fellowship of the Ring.
"Yeah...sure...whatever. In any event, why are you here?" queried Sam, diminutively aggravated by the man.
"Oh tiddly-dum and piddly-day; I was just passing through," he responded.
"Why aren't you with the others?" asked Frodo.
"Alas and alack," he said sadly, "they all died." He thought to himself, "Hooohooheehee. I am so good at this deception stuff!" Aloud he said, "They were eradicated by Uruk-Hai."
"Oh, heavens, NO! NO, NO, NO!" screamed Frodo and Sam.
"Yes, I'm afraid it's true." Boromir said, brushing away a fake tear. "I watched as they died; slow, painful deaths. After a dozen arrows shot them, the Uruk-Hai came up and knifed them. Such was the end of the Fellowship!" said Boromir pretending to be overcome with grief and sorrow.
"Oh well. It really doesn't matter now," supposed Frodo pitilessly.
"Yeah, you're right Froder my man, I guess it was all for the best," shrugged Sam.
We must take leave of this sad party for the time being, for we must now catch up with events of Meriadoc Brandybuck and Peregrine Took.
They were traveling on the backs of two huge Uruks of whom they now thought of as horses. In any event, Merry was rather cold, so he politely asked the Uruk who was carrying him if he would give him some hot cocoa. The uruk took a bottle, and handed it to Merry. Hot steam rose up as he lifted the cap off. He took a dainty sip and said delightedly, "Mmmmm, Foamy!" He quickly guzzled the entire thermos to the last delicious drop.
Pippin was somewhat envious of his friend's superior luck, so he asked for hot cocoa as well. Disappointingly, Pip's uruk was not as pleasant as Merry's. He growled menacingly, "Keep your mouth shut!"
"Weel, aren't We crabby today!" scorned Pippin petulantly.
"I said, keep your mouth SHUT!" the uruk barked.
They made camp that night on a grassy knoll. Pippin's uruk was singing, "HO, HO, HO, and a bottle of rum!"
A little orc said, "SHAADAP! Why do you always have to be as drunk as a skunk?"
"The head uruk roared, "Hey ho to the bottle I go, to heal my heart and drown my woe! The rain may fall the wind may blow, and there still be many miles to go! Sweet is the sound of the pourin' rain and stream that rolls from hill to plain. Better than rain or ripplin' brook is a mug 'o beer inside this uruk!"
Another little orc said, "Hey, let's eat the hobbits!" he spluttered and gnashed his teeth.
"We can't eat hobbit food! I want a steak! That's what I'm in the mood for, a hot, juicy, delicious steak from Ruth's Chris' Steakhouse! And if you go be sure to tell them that your good friend, Sean Hanitty sent you!"
Little orc
Meanwhile, the first little orc had been creeping up behind Merry and Pippin, who stood in the middle of the circle of uruks and orcs. He now drew his scimitar, and was about to strike, when the head uruk, chopped off his head.
"Looks like meat's back on the menu, boys!" he growled!
"I don't see a menu!" said a stupid orc.
Merry and Pippin saw their chance, and when they were sure that all the Uruks were eating, they snipped their bonds on a fallen axe, and slipped away. But before they got far, Eomer skipped up chewing gum and jumping rope. The orcs and uruks stared at him as if he was a lunatic. But he was not. While the enemy stood shocked, the Rohirriam leaped out on horses taking the poor uruks by surprise. One orc saw Merry and Pippin running off, and even though he was hurt, the orc grabbed Merry's belt. Merry slipped it off and commenced with his running. They stupidly went into the forest of Fangorn.
The orc was still chasing them, so they cleverly climbed a tree. But not so cleverly, Merry did not climb high enough, so the orc grabbed his feet, and since Merry could not slip off his feet, he was pulled down.
"Let's put a maggot hole in your belly!" crowed the ugly orc sinisterly.
"WHY MAGGOT? WHY COULDN'T IT BE WORM OR BUG? YOU ORCS REMIND ME OF GANDALF! AND WE FINALLY GOT RID OF HIM! WHYYYYYYYY?" moaned Merry.
Pippin was singing, "Oh the weather outside is frightful, but the fire is so delightful, and since we've no place to go, let it snow, let it snow, let it snow! "Bararum, you are rather off-key little
shireling," said Tree Beard.
"Dude, can you squish this annoying orc for me, Mister? He's about to put a maggot hole in my gut," pleaded Merry.
So Tree Beard squashed him. He then stooped and grabbed Merry around the waist in one hand, and he had Pippin in the other.
The trio then made their way into the forest, all the while singing Christmas carols.
We must now continue our sad events with Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli.
They climbed the hill where the dead orcs were burnt. Amazingly, after about two seconds of digging amongst the carcasses, Gimli found Merry's elven belt.
"May they find peace after death," said Legolas sadly. Then he looked up and said, "Forgive me, I was wrong to despair."
"There is nothing to forgive," said Aragorn laying his hand on Legolas' shoulder.
"Oh, so sweet, sniff, I need a tissue," mocked Gimli.
"I would cut off your head, Dwarf, if it stood but a little higher from the ground," said Legolas harshly.
"Come, we must follow Frodo and Sam into Mordor," said Aragorn.
"What?" screamed Legolas and Gimli in harmony.
"Oh, right, I mean, uh, we must follow Merry and Pippin into Fangorn."
"You are so STUPID!" yelled Legolas furiously.
"Well! I may be dumb but I'm not STUPID!" Aragorn shouted back.
"I give up," said Legolas in dismay.
"Will you two shut up! How do we know that Merry and Pippin went into Fangorn?" asked Gimli sensibly.
"Well, I have that all figured out. See? I brought the book The Two Towers with me. It says right here that they were taken into Fangorn," said Aragorn pointing into the open book.
"Egad! No Aragorn! Don't trust that book! In THIS story anything can happen. I mean, a helicopter could fly up from behind this hill, plug us with a thousand bullets and that would be the story!" screamed Legolas.
"WHAAHAAAHAAAHAA! I don't want to die! I don't want to get plugged with a thousand bullets! I want to...uh, well actually what really happens in the book is a lot worse than getting plugged," said Aragorn.
"Oh, just come on. We'll follow the book just this once," said Legolas in defeat.
Aragorn followed Legolas like an obedient puppy. All the while Gimli was rolling his eyes and muttering.
Let's return to Frodo, Sam, Gollum, and Boromir.
"I'm in the mood for a grilled tuna cheese sandwich with a side of Fringles," said Boromir ravenously.
"Actually, it's Pringles, not Fringles," corrected Sam.
"Whatever, I just want them!" cried Boromir.
"Hey! If you want to remain with us, then there are some rules. First, no more trying to take the Ring. Second, you may not have a tuna cheese sandwich. Why? Because we HAVE NO TUNA OR CHEESE!" Frodo yelled at Boromir's face.
"Oh. Well what about Fringles?"
Frodo turned away in disgust.
"What's got into him?" Boromir whispered in Sam's ear.
"He's tired of big oafs like you giving him a hard time! I'll give you a good idea. Why don't you go make us each a new bow? It would probably cheer Froder up," suggested Sam.
"OKAY!" Boromir shouted.
Frodo turned, "Every orc in Mordor will hear this racket!"
"I can't do anything right anymore. I can't help it!" cried Boromir.
"You never can!" retorted Frodo angrily.
Boromir stalked away.
The next day they came to a swamp. Frodo accidentally put his foot into the bog. He shouted, "It's sticky; what is it?"
Gollum replied, "You'll see. Oh yes, you'll see."
They went in single file alone narrow strips of grass, all following Gollum.
About four o'clock, Frodo yelped, "There are dead things; dead faces in the water."
"Orcses filth. Orcses come in here, sometimes," replied Gollum.
Frodo went to the edge of a bank and peered into the face of a dead elf. Then, K-SPLASH! He fell in! When under the water, ghostly figures came up at him, carrying briefcases, and shouting, SUE, SUE, SUE!
Frodo screamed, "AAAUUUGGGGHHHHH! Lawyers! NOOOOOOOOOO! They'll get me! They'll make me go broke! Sleazy, slimy lawyers!"
He then felt hands grabbing his shoulders and was pulled onto the grass, dripping wet.
"Don't follow the lawyers," said Gollum scampering off.
Frodo shook himself, and got back on his feet. The foursome trudged on, until one day they came upon a familiar sight. They were home. Wait, the story's not over yet. Nevertheless, they heard the familiar screech of a wraith.
"EGAD! An F-14 Fell Beast!" cried Gollum, "Hide!"
"Do they bomb?" asked Boromir.
"NO!" hissed Gollum.
They all dove under a large bush. The wraith passed over them, and with one last scream, it flew off.
"He's gone," said Sam with relief.
"Come hobbitses. We have a ways to go yet. Follow me," hissed Gollum.
"Follow the dead marshes road!" sang Sam and Frodo hooked arm in arm, and skipped off. "La la la la la la la la, follow the dead marshes road!"
Boromir was quietly humming to himself, Gollum was hissing, "Precious" and Sam and Frodo were singing merrily. Suddenly out of the wild blue John Edwards stepped out from behind a bush.
The foursome was scared silly.
"Why, hello," he said sneakily.
Frodo cowered into a ball.
"I am John Edwards, and I want to make sure that all your hard earned money goes to me, and that your good name is ruined for life, Mwahahahahahahahahahaha!" he cackled. All doctors, beware, BEWARE! Even the tiniest mistake, and you'll have a malpractice lawsuit staring you in the face!" he giggled evilly.
"That man is pure evil," whispered Boromir in Sam's ear.
Gollum who was a bit braver than the others tried to push Eddy into the Marsh. But the foul fiend was too strong. He whipped out an insurance claim, along with some lawsuit papers, and began to speak. "Sméagol Gollum, I am suing you for violence against Frodo, attempting to steal the ring, being a health hazard to this community, and talking with too much hiss. What have you to say?"
Sméagol was dumbfounded.
Frodo was sure that there must be some good in this man, so he tried to negotiate some reason into him. "Uh, Mr. Eddy, sir..."
"And you! Frodo Baggins, I am suing you for the stealing of Sauron's property. You will have to return the ring, plus the amount I am suing you for, which is a grand total of four point five million dollars," said Eddy calmly.
"Run away, run away!" they screamed dashing off.
"I'll get you! You'll see! I'll have the Law on you!" Eddy yelled after them.
Meanwhile, Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli went into the forest. As they trudged on, a brilliant light shone and the blinding figure of a man stood on a rock.
"Who are you? Show yourself!" squealed Aragorn popping his nifty-keeno shades on.
"Out of the grave I arose! With a mighty triumph 'oer my foes! I arose victorious from the dark domain..." the being sang before being interrupted.
"SHOW YOURSELF!" Aragorn screamed again.
"Show my elf? I do not have an elf! You have an elf, but not me. Although I soon will," replied the man pulling a toothpick out of his sleeve and shoving it between his teeth. "Or," he pondered, "is it 'not I?' Not me, not I, not me, not I. Hmmmm." he wondered.
Aragorn growled menacingly.
"I think I'll go with 'not I'. It makes me sound classier."
Aragorn passed out cold.
Legolas ginned at Gimli, who grinned back at Legolas, who grinned back at...you get the idea.
"I am your king," said Gandalf. For of course it was Gandalf.
"Didn't know we had a king. I thought we were an autonomous collective," muttered Legolas.
"You fool! No man can kill me!" yelled Gandalf.
"I am no man!" blurted Legolas.
"Ha! I always knew it! You are a girl!" said Aragorn popping up.
"No. I am not a man, but I am not a girl either," said Legolas.
"Then what are you? A deranged in- betweener?"
"No! I'm an elf!"
"Well I know that but are you a girl elf or a boy?"
"Um, du-uh! A boy."
"Ya coulda fooled me."
Legolas pummeled Aragorn to the ground, and punched the living daylights out of him.
"Enough, minions, I command you! I am Gandalf the White, and we, now, are heading for Rohan."
"Rohan?" said Legolas with indignation.
"Rohan," stated Gandalf.
"Rohan!" cried Aragorn.
"Rohan," muttered Gimli.
"Rohan," nodded Gandalf firmly.
The troop ambled down the lane, which soon became a swamp.
"This is just perfect," muttered Legolas sarcastically.
"How will we ever make it?" cried Aragorn walking about impatiently.
"Dunno, don't care," giggled Gimli, gleefully splashing around in the muck.
"Uggghhh! Dwarves!" said Legolas brushing a fleck of dirt off his face. He the whipped out his moisturizing lotion, and smeared the entire bottle onto his nose.
Gimli wrinkled his nose and lobbed a handful of mud onto Legolas' freshly pressed linen shirt.
"Auuuggghhh! Gimli, what hast thou done?" screamed Legolas in utter horror.
"Havin' some kicks," replied Gimli.
"Will you two knock it off?" demanded Aragorn who was quite grumpy.
"But I haven't done anything," objected Legolas kicking Gimli in the knee.
"You just kicked him!" reminded Aragorn, vigorously slicking back his hair.
"Cut it out, maggots!" yelled Gandalf punching each in his turn.
"Are you still here?" accused Legolas.
"Yes, and I am going nowhere, no way, no how," replied Gandalf bestowing Legolas with a knuckle sandwich.
"Yeeowsers!" cried Legolas tending his wounded head, and casting devious looks at the haughty Gandalf.
The foursome trudged back to their horses and continued through the swamp to Rohan.
After three or so days, Edoras came into sight.
"Rohan," said Legolas peering off into the distance.
"Rohan," repeated Gimli.
"Rohan," said Aragorn grinning.
"What's with you?" asked Gimli.
"There's a cute chick in Rohan," giggled Aragorn.
"Take it easy big fella," warned Legolas while dusting his hair.
The trio galloped off toward the hill that Edoras was perched on top of.
As they approached the gate Aragorn saw a white figure standing on a high parapet. He got a dreamy look on his face.
"Dude, you've already got a girl back in Rivendell," reminded Legolas.
"Whatever," shrugged Aragorn.
They entered.
"Waiiiiiiit!" screamed Gimli, "we forgot Gandalf! We must've left him back at camp!"
"AAAUUUGGGHHH! I can't survive without Gandalf! He knows what to do! He has magic powers to protect me!" screamed Aragorn.
"And he thinks some chick in Rohan will want him," said Legolas sadly shaking his head.
"Here I come to save the day!" sang Gandalf riding up to the trio.
"Huzzah! Huzzah!" cheered Aragorn.
"Well, come along you sluggards!" Gandalf rode up the hill.
In the meantime, Frodo, Sam, Gollum, and Boromir had made it through the Dead Marshes and were at the Black Gate.
Frodo began to climb down the slope. He said to Sam, "If I should return, think better of me, Father."
Sam replied, "You're outnumbered. You need more men."
"I will not stop the attack until the city is taken!" cried Frodo searching for a way down.
Sam fell off the cliff.
Frodo scrambled down to reach him. He lay flat on his stomach and reached out for Sam's hand. "Give me your hand. Take my hand! Don't you let go. Don't let go... REACH!" he yelled straining to grasp Sam's flailing arm. "Fool of a Took! Throw yourself in next time and rid us of your stupidity!"
Sam rolled the rest of the way down.
Frodo was rather aggravated. "COME BACK HERE!" he yelled stupidly. Sam was no longer in sight, and Frodo resolved to find him. He shuffled down the cliff at a surprisingly slow rate. But there was nothing to see as far as the eye could reach.
Sure, there were rocks and dust, but no sign of a Sam. Frodo was exasperated. He hollered up the cliff at Boromir to come help him look. Sméagol popped up next to Frodo. Frodo jumped nine and six-tenths inches.
"Flighty masssster," hissed Gollum shaking his head in dismay.
"GET ON WITH IT!" howled Frodo.
Sam wedged his head out of the ground.
"AAAAAAAA!" shrieked Frodo leaping another foot.
"What's with him?" asked Sam to Sméagol.
Gollum just stood there. Stone still. Never moving.
Sam looked about for signs of peril.
"Just look at the screen! If the beeper is red, then there's danger," said Frodo.
Sam was flummoxed. Where? What screen?"
Frodo was rather sheepish. "Uh, I suppose I've been playing one too many Xbox games."
Sam was livid. "You've no right to be jeopardizing our mission with your stupid video games!" he yelled in Frodo's face. He stomped his foot on the ground.
"R-E-S-P-E-C-T!" sang Frodo hopping about and playing his trombone. "DAYS GO BY! I CAN FEEL 'EM FLYIN' LIKE A HAND OUT THE WINDOW IN THE WIIND!" He was rather off key.
"OH Gaaandalf, oh Gaaandalf! Why hast thou forsaken me!" sang Frodo.
Boromir was reasonably annoyed at the two hobbits. He jammed his hand into his shirt pocket and pulled out his nifty-keeno saran wrap. He felt that he was gaining some weight and wanted to hide it. He excused himself for the toilet, and hid behind a rock. He ripped off his shirt, and to his utter dismay, a large Buddha Belly popped out. He swiftly wrapped his middle with the plastic wrap until it formed a crude corset. He appeared as skinny as a newborn larva.
He put his shirt back on, and whipped his foldaway body-size mirror out of his pocket. A piece of blue bubble gum was stuck to rim and being a gross man, he ate it.
He then returned to the hobbits. They ignored him. He jumped about. Nothing. He did a cartwheel. Still nothing. They were intently playing with a little rubber wheel. They bounced it. It rolled, and they caught it. Then they would do it all over again. It was a rather mindless game. He sat there watching them until the orcs called reveille on their flutes. Sam sat listening to the lovely music swaying back and forth and back and forth until the other three were rather dizzy.
With no warning at all, Sam burst into insane laughter.
"WHAT? WHAT!" screamed Frodo shaking Sam's shoulder vigorously.
He just sat there and giggled.
The three shrugged and decided to wait out this temporary (or so they hoped) lapse of brain function.