Hee hee! Sorry it took me so long to update. I wrote this story a while ago, and don't really like it anymore, so I have been focusing more on my new ones. Here it is!
Chapter 5
Edoras
Aragorn, Legolas, Gimli, and Gandalf, stumbled up the steps to Edoras. A guard met them at the door. He did a shuffle and a split. "Welcome to Edoras, Frodo Baggins," he whistled.
"Who, ha, what? Where?" stammered the rather oblivious Aragorn.
Gandalf socked him.
"OW!" Aragorn squeaked.
They went inside.
Arwen and Eowyn leaped out, and stuck like a Took to a mug of ale, to Aragorn. He grinned as if he had died and gone to Valinor.
Legolas peeled the girls off him.
"What's the meaning of this?" shouted Gandalf.
"Didn't you know? This is The Bachelor. Aragorn is the bachelor, and he must decide between Arwen and Eowyn. If he marries whomever he chooses, then he will get a bride. But if he decides not to marry her, he gets Fringles." Stated the guard.
"Pringles," corrected Gandalf.
"No, Fringles," insisted the guard.
Arwen batted her eyelashes. Eowyn fluffed her hair. The guard drooled.
"Oh get a tissue," growled Gimli.
"Yes I wish that," said Gandalf.
"Whom do you choose?" asked the guard.
"Uh, mmmm, um," stuttered Aragorn, "do I have to decide now?"
"Weeell, you can fill out a temporary release form," suggested the guard.
Aragorn was stupefied.
"He's somewhat slow," whispered Legolas.
"That's putting it nicely," hooted Gandalf.
"Let's use out indoor voices," hushed Legolas.
"OKAY!" hollered Gandalf..
Theoden hobbled out and sank into his throne. He grinned at Gandalf as he popped the recliner out. He suddenly bolted for the kitchen and returned with a diet Pepsi. "OOH, YEEEHAAA, be-BAY! Dis is da life!" he hooted slurping a swig of the drink.
This time, Aragorn was the one drooling. "Do you got another one of those?" he asked with rather horrid grammar.
"Weeeell, it depends," said Théoden slyly.
"Depends on what?" asked Aragorn plucking at his beard.
"Stop that! You'll go bald!" said Legolas.
"On what you're willing to do for me to obtain a Pepsi," snickered Théoden.
"Okay!" panted Aragorn, his tongue hanging out like a puppy with his head out a car window going ninety miles per hour.
"Dude, you are so lame," scoffed Legolas lifting his nose in disgust. He then brought out his spiffy portable foot massage set. He plugged it into the nearest outlet, and the wax began to melt. After the goop was completely liquefied, he daintily shoved his entire foot into the slime. It was scalding hot. "YEEEEOWWWWWW!" hollered Legolas leaping twenty feet.
Gimli went into hysterics; rolling on the floor until he rolled right down a flight of stairs that led to the indoor pool, which he also rolled into.
He emerged, sopping, and rather flummoxed. This time Legolas was the one to be hysterical. However, elves do not roll on the floor when they laugh. They stand on their heads. Therefore, Legolas stood on his head, giggling uncontrollably. Gimli who was reasonably irate poked Legolas in the gut, which caused Legolas to flop over right onto Eowyn. Eowyn was at the moment carrying a large tray with wieners and French fries and cola on it. When Legolas accidentally kicked her in the back, the tray went flying, K-SMAK! into Aragorn's face. He let out a yelp and ran wildly about and went K-RASH! into a wall. He sat on the stone floor and wiped the glop out of his gazers, and just sat.
Legolas quietly sneaked out of the room. Théoden had one of his guards grab him. Legolas screeched and hollered, but the guard took no notice. Aragorn was chugging the soda that he had stolen from the nearby Pepsi cooler and Théoden wondered how in the world he found it.
Gandalf was trying to get Théoden to admit that he was an agent of Saruman's, but Théoden clamped his mouth shut and shook his head.
Then, Eomer dashed into the room, screaming for all he was worth, 'Which,' thought Théoden, "would only amount to twenty-five cents.'
Eomer hollered, "The British are coming, the British are coming!"
"Say what?" asked Théoden who was rather befuddled.
"Uh...actually, Isengard is coming." corrected Eomer who was rather embarrassed.
"Dude, where's Paul Revere when ya need him?" grumbled Aragorn slurping his soda and reading the latest Harry Potter novel.
"So, let's go to Helm's Deep," suggested Théoden.
"NO!" cried Gandalf.
"Why not?" asked Théoden annoyed.
"I dunno. I just know that I say that in the movie," replied Gandalf.
"Come on! Chop, chop! I want all our people to be saddled and ready in forty minutes!" screamed Théoden booting Eomer out the door.
Forty-five minutes later, everyone was ready to go. Aragorn asked, "Are we there yet?"
"No! We haven't even started yet," bellowed Théoden going red in the face.
"AAAAAA! My love, don't leave me here. I don't want to die alone!" babbled Grima running to Eowyn.
"You won't. You're gonna die with Saruman," she reassured.
"Swell!" he snorted wiping his nose with a Kleenex.
Eowyn shot him a disgusted glance and galloped off.
Legolas jumped into Aragorn's hot rod convertible, and shot off like a dart toward Helms Deep. He soon found, however, that perfect hair and convertibles go together like asparagus and ice cream. He screamed at Aragorn to stop the car and let him out. Aragorn did. After Legolas had gotten out of the car, he zoomed off into the distance, leaving a trail of dust behind him. Legolas found himself all alone. He began to sing sadly, "All by myself!" But a split second later, Aragorn and his viper screeched up beside him. Aragorn said, "Sorry 'bout this, Leggy, but you have my map."
Aragorn snatched the map from him and sped off in the opposite direction. This time the dirt was not behind him, it was in Legolas' hair. Legolas screamed and ran back to Edoras, which was only four hundred miles away.
When he arrived, no one was there. He peered into the distance, and saw the last of the Rohirriam galloping off into the dusk. He quickly sped after them.
When he finally caught up with them, everyone was as silent as Pippin with a mug of ale. Speaking of Pippin, let's now go back to the adventures of Merry and Pippin.
They and Tree Beard had called an Ent moot.
"Moot rhymes with boot, and boot rhymes with loot and loot
rhymes with...uh, uh, uh, what does rhyme with loot,
Merry?" asked Pippin producing some paper and a gel pen.
"Coot?" suggested Merry.
"No, idiot. It's called a cootie," said Pippin condescendingly.
"No, like 'he was an old coot,'" replied Merry sticking himself with a pin.
"What in blue blazes are you doing that for?" asked Pippin looking appalled.
"Dunno," said Merry tossing it away.
Tree Beard returned. "Up you two get!" he cried plucking them up.
"Where are you taking us?" cried Pippin.
"Into the wild," replied Tree Beard. "We are going to destroy Isengard."
"What! NO!" screamed Pippin covering his eyes and snuffling a bit.
"What?" asked Merry.
"Because," said Pippin brainlessly, "Isengard guards us against our enemies."
"UHHHHGGGGHHH! Why am I stuck with this brainless hobbit?" groaned Merry stomping his foot.
"Oh the sun is shining down here in Tennessee! And right now, I'm right where I wanna be! I never felt love so peaceful and so free. There ain't no doubt that God's been good to me!" sang Pippin horribly.
Merry rolled his eyes.
They then came upon Isengard. The other Ents began to kill orcs and smash buildings. But a few stopped at hot dog stands and got some wieners. The orcs gladly sold them.
Merry and Pippin, of course, wanted hot dogs, but before they could get them, Tree Beard crushed the stands into smithereens.
Whaaahahaha!" bawled Pippin, tears pouring down his face like Niagara Falls.
"URRRRGGGGHHH! HACK, HACK! Save me I'm drowning!" squeaked Merry, pretending to choke.
"One eight hundred five, eight, eight, two, three, hundred, EmpIRE!" sang Pippin.
"Today!" shouted Merry.
Merry bounced onto Pippin's head. "YEEEEOOOOOWWWWW!" shouted Pippin shoving Merry off.
"Cut it out, halfwit halflings!" yowled Tree Beard stomping an orc into jelly.
"I think," said Pippin serenely, "that all people should reach deep inside themselves to find their inner peace."
"PAH! That's all just a bunch of hooey," said Merry clouting Pip on the jaw.
We shall now return to Frido, uh I mean Frodo, Sam, Gollum/Sméagol, and Boromir.
They had decided not to try to get into Mordor through the Black Gate. Sméagol had a private entrance which no one knew about.
Suddenly, a dude dressed in baggy jeans pulled down low, showcasing his red checked boxers, a t-shirt, and a baseball cap on sideways leaped out of the brush, and began to rap. "YO! My name's Faramir, my brother's Boromir, and whad are you four doin outta he-re?"
"Bro?" asked Boromir looking astonished.
"YO, Bro!"
"Why are you rapping?" asked Sam.
"Dit's cool," he replied bobbing his head.
"In the movie Faramir wasn't no, uh I mean, Faramir was not a rapper; he was the captain of Gondor," said Frodo sensibly.
"AWW, heck wi dat! I ain't da Capn' o Gondor no mowar."
"But..."
"'Cause dat ain't cool!"
"Okay, we'll just be moving along now," said Frodo inching slowly away.
"AWW, heck! Don't do dat! I gots to takes jou to my pappy."
"What for?" asked Sam now rather dubious of this deranged chap.
"What for jou ax? I'll tell ya what for! You fellers is just too ol fashioned. We gonna teach jou de art of de rap!"
"No! No rapping. We should take Yoga. Then we can express our inner selves and connect with our spiritual guide. We can explore the vastness of our conscience, and find inner harmony," chanted Frodo tranquilly.
"Bogus gibberish! That's all that is. Keep your nose out of yoga, and yoga won't come to you," said Sam stupidly.
"What's that supposed to mean?" derided Frodo turning his nose up in disgust.
Sam drew out his sword. "This is Sting! You've seen it before, haven't you? Frodo! Give up yoga, or I'll cut your throat! "
"YIIIIPERS!" shrieked Boromir leaping a mile. For he saw Gollum reach for the ring.
Frodo slapped Gollum's hand. "Naughty, naughty! Gollums should be seen and not heard," he said reproachfully.
Gollum was rather sheepish.
Faramir was becoming rather impatient. "Dudes! Let's get a move on here! We ain't gotten all da day!"
The rest grumbled with apathy. When, out of the wild blue came...da, da, da, DA! The red haired man from Kaoud Oriental Rugs! What on this great planet(except for pollution, crazy tree huggers, and spinach) could he be doing here? (Oh, I forgot mosquitoes) It did not make sense!
"What is jou doin' here?" asked Faramir.
"To sell you a brand new rug from Kaoud Oriental Rugs! Now on the Berlin Turnpike, Manchester Center, and West Hartford!" he said with a most charming smile.
"We don't need rugs. We're out in the middle of nowhere, no food, no shelter, and we've got a crazy rapper and a Buddhist along for the ride!" shrieked Sam going ballistic.
"Hey! Watch your language, insubordinate ruffian! I happen to be a sincere Yogist. NOT a Buddhist," remarked Frodo slyly sneering at Sam.
But when they looked for the Kaoud man, he was gone! Vanished! Departed! Removed forever from this earth like a bug on the windshield of a car going ninety-nine.
"Ehh," said Frodo shrugging. "At least..." but he never finished. For at that moment, a whooshing sound was heard and a sort of singing. "A whole new world!" sang Aladdin and Jasmine as they were sailing on their magic carpet. But wait! As strange as this may seem to you, there were not just two people on the carpet, there was another! And he looked very familiar. It was KAOUD MAN! And he had just sold the magic carpet to Aladdin and his fiancé! Aladdin gave Frodo a smug grin before drifting away, smooching his shnoogumcakes.
Frodo lost his lunch. Everyone squealed and jumped back.
Sam threw himself on the ground and began to smash his head on the cement floor. "Why, SMASH, WHY! Smash. WHY OH WHY? Smash."
"Dude, like, get a grip," said Frodo condescendingly.
"OH! I CANNOT GO ON! MY life is a-shambles! My doggie is lost and it can't be found, oh where, oh where can he be? I've got poison ivy and a rash on my head, I feel so sick, and I just ate something disgusting! BWAAAHHHAAAHHAAAA!" wept Sam miserably.
Frodo, being a caring fellow, kicked Sam in the gut and strolled down the avenue of Pure Evil.
Gollum tittered like an annoying third grade school girl and blew a Raspberry at the rather pitiful Sam who was rolling in the filth.