Ok, people! Start commenting or... or... Ok, so I won't quit writing but god dammit! sobs I'm a junkie. I'm so much of a comment junkie... don't you see that I need a fix? Should I slow down my posting? Just write and not update right away? Am I getting boring or complicated? Tell me!

God, that was a "Jude moment". (Remind me to quit watching IS episodes for a while.) I'm frikkin' grown and have become influenced. At least my hair was super cherry red before IS existed. LOL

I like writing from a guy's perspective. It just... flows. That's gotta be wrong on some level since I'm so much of a... girl, but this has been epic. I had to get this out for this chapter. Sure, I could have broken it down into two, but I have things revolving around it being this long. Trust me.

And... Is it just me or does Tommy's history remind you of Robbie Williams? I mean... (Follow me while I compare and contrast the real from fiction.)
---They both were the youngest members of an up-and-coming boy band, the favorite.
---They both split to go out on solo ventures.
---Both are music moguls in their own right.
---They both have that cool, cocky, laid back style.
I could go on and on but... just Google "Robbie Williams". Serious to god, yo. It's... too coincidental. I think they looked for a mold for Tommy and found it in RW.
I think I have a new idea for a new story.
Oh, Bri! Please stop!
HELL NO. No thanks.

God, I need a life!

For the record, if you see similarities between this and any ep of IS you've seen... Bri has skills. ;)

And yeah... Jude's lost it.

Chapter 19 / I Like the Way You Still Say Please

Stuart took note of how interested Tommy was at the upcoming story. He settled himself in to share his long-loved photographic memory, hoping it would unnerve him as mush as it was meant to. He cracked his neck, before divulging a meaningless secret, meaningless until now.

"I was 21; she was 16. I'd just returned from uni for summer break; she'd moved in next door during my absence..."

"Hi!" The young blonde bounced up to Stuart, smiling brightly in his direction. "I'm Victoria, but call me Vee. I've never liked the name Victoria very much. What's you're name?"

Stuart was breath taken for a second before composing himself in the cool demeanor he'd adopted while in college. He grinned at the girl, mentally taking in the way her hair fell in relaxed ringlets down her back, the way the cotton of her dress became translucent in the afternoon sun, and how she was curved in such a way that it made him miss his hometown. He pushed away the fantasy and extended his hand chivalrously.

"Stuart Harrison."

"Harrison, like that guy from The Beatles?"

His grin extended into a full-blown smile. He was obsessed with The Beatles and to have this beauty comparing him, even if accidentally, to one of its members endeared him. He gave her a nod.

"Yeah... like him. Do you like 'em?"

"They're ok. They confuse me sometimes." She bit her lip and stared down at her shoes. She glanced up at him expectantly. "Maybe... you could explain them to me sometime?"

"I'd like that." He rocked back and forth on his heals, lost in her bashfulness. "So... are you in university?"

She giggled slightly.

"No, silly! I'm in grade 10. Well, about to go to grade 11."

Stuart's face fell.

"Oh. So you're... how old?"

"Sweet Sixteen! How old are you?" She stared at him doe eyed, beaming.

"Twenty-one. About to be in my fourth year."

"That's... nice. I can't wait until I'm twenty-one."

Me either, Stuart thought to himself.

"Well, I gotta go. I guess I'll see you around."

"Sure!"

Stuart turned and left, the girl still on his brain. He felt bad for being attracted to a child, but she seemed nice enough. It would be ok to have new friends.

"And that's just when I met her. She really was beautiful, but you know. She was sixteen."

"I know what you mean. I mean..." Tommy scratched the back of his neck. "I'll be honest, Mr. Harrison. I thought something similar when I saw Jude on her sixteenth birthday."

Stuart laughed at Tommy's visual discomfort from his divulgence.

"Yeah, I kind of caught that."

"You did?" Tommy's eyes grew a little, shifting them.

"Mmmhmm... but back to the story. Things progressed rapidly for us..."

"And that's what they meant with 'I am the Walrus', Vee." She eyed him, smiling slightly. "What?"

"I dunno..." She leaned in and kissed him, Stuart caught in the moment. He pulled her away from him abruptly. He wasn't sure what to say so remained silent.

"Oh jeez... I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that. I just like you. I'm sorry." She twisted her hair around her fingers, slightly red faced. Embarrassment? Breathlessness? Stuart wasn't sure.

"No need to apologize and... I like you too but..." He stared down at the album in his hands, scrutinizing the way John's hair was combed and how Ringo looked stoned.

"It's because I'm young, huh?" He couldn't help but catch her stare, her eyes showing an emotion he wasn't able to call. She seemed so eager for his response.

"Yeah, I mean... you're a great girl and fun to be around and I really do like you but this isn't right." He gave her an apologetic smile, her face brightening unexpectedly.

"I won't tell."

"What?"

"We could go out but in secret. Then it would be ok."

"Vee, no, it still wouldn't be right."

"Please? Just try it. It won't be so bad. You know you want to." She smiled coyly, getting closer to his face. "Come ooooon... Pleeeeeease..."

Stuart thought over the proposition sitting in front of him. He really liked Victoria. She was just a nice girl and he found that he loved being around her more than anyone he'd dated while at university, and while he knew it was wrong – she was a child; he was an adult – he couldn't help but consider the temptation. It would be a complicated mess if word got out on their "secret affair" but it couldn't hurt to give it a go. She really was special. Special laugh that made him tingle, special smile that made him melt, special looks and how she'd grab his hand when they walked. Yes, he would give it a try.

"Jesus, I know about secrets. Jude's been keeping mine since that night." Tommy startled himself at his mentioning. Stuart didn't notice, caught up in his recollections.

"Well, it was good going in the beginning. To her parents and mine and everyone else, she was the doting neighbor and I was the babysitter. Yes, I said babysitter. It grew really old really fast. 'Oh, Vicki just went over to the neighbor boy's. He doesn't mind looking after her while we're gone.' Yeah, that type of stuff."

"How did you deal?"

"I didn't." Stuart sighed, rubbing his hand down his face. "I called it quits for a while. It broke her heart."

"Victoria?" She winced at her full name. Stuart studied the tiny hand he held, afraid of what would happen if he went through with his plans. He had to, though, for them. When she was a bit older and they could be what they'd secretly been in public, he'd be able to be with her like he really wanted. This was no way for them to be.

"Yeah?"

"I think... I think we should stop this." He looked over to her; she was already crying.

"Stop what?" She was crying harder now. It took everything Stuart had not to grab her and tell her to forget what he was leading up to. He couldn't do that. This was the right thing to do.

"Us. I think we should go back to being just friends." He hugged her tightly.

"Why? No one knows, no one says anything, no one is onto us. We're okay, S." He smiled at how she always shortened his name to a single letter. Her joke was that it was "V and S vs. the World", explaining that versus was shortened to a "v" and an "s". "Don't you like me anymore?"

"Of course I do! It's not that..."

"My age, I know."

"That and... people call me your babysitter, Vee."

"Screw what they call you!" He was shocked at her language and volume. "I love you, S. I really do and... don't end us. Please..."

Stuart was aggravated with that point in their story. It wouldn't be the last time he'd hurt her but that was the first. Even today, it still bothered him to think of his Vee, bright and shining, begging him not to leave her. He shook away the nagging thoughts, knowing it was the past and he and Victoria had long since evolved and mutated from the two people they once were. Tommy spoke up to his broken silence.

"Mr. Harrison, I have to ask you something and... it's not good. Jude's your daughter and I'm about to say this to her father, but try to think of it objectively."

Stuart turned his head to the side and stared Tommy up and down. He wasn't exactly sure how to take the request but thought that he could, as Tommy said, try to be unbiased.

"Go on."

"See," Tommy turned to look at his Viper parked next to the building, then returning to Stuart. "How do I keep from hurting her? I don't mean to but, as my friend Kwest says, I'm an idiot. It's just that, I know how I am and while I know Jude's so much better than me, I can't help but act the way I would if I were talking to myself. She's so... afraid of me. Not in the sense you're thinking but in the sense of... She thinks I'm forever going to leave her."

"Why would she think that? Have you done anything to maker her think that way?"

"Where do I begin? I dated and went to Europe with Sadie, as you know, and she thought I picked Sadie over her. I didn't! That's the thing. We broke up because I couldn't shake my need for Jude. And then there was the kiss."

"What kiss?" Stuart's interest had been piqued, waiting for Tommy to explain.

"Why the hell am I telling you this?" Tommy sighed loudly. "Anyway... The night of her sixteenth birthday party, after the Shay ordeal, I went outside into the alley where Jude had run off too. She was crying, asking how she could fix herself so that people would like her how she liked them, and one thing led to another and I kissed her. But I panicked. I knew things would get bad if it went any further. I told her... begged her to say that it never happened and she did. I hated asking her to forget it. I didn't want to but I had to find a way to fix things."

Stuart sat quiet for a moment, trying to take in what Tommy had told him. On one hand, he was furious that he'd do something as horrible as that to his daughter. On the other, it wasn't much different than what he'd done to Victoria all those years ago. He swallowed his anger and tried to throw out the wisest thing he could think of.

"If you know what you're doing, why do you do it? I imagine that you think about what to say and how to say it, but you just have to let it flow naturally. I've noticed that you're very closed off with people. If you love Jude like she says you do, then you have to realize that love means openness. You can't really love someone until you're able to share everything you have regardless if it's painful or bad or whatever else."

"I know this on some level, but all of those years with BoyzAttack! and the paparazzi and women only getting close to have their names appear in print the next day, they take their toll. I don't... I don't know how to be open like that anymore."

"Yes you do; you just hate doing something you aren't good at."

Tommy couldn't help but laugh, the robustness bringing comedic tears to his eyes.

"Damn! I see where Jude gets her sixth sense from." He wiped his eyes, still chuckling under his breath. "But yeah. How did you and Victoria ever reconnect? How'd you get her back?"

"Ironically enough, on her birthday..."

Jude sat hunched up in the corner of the living room surrounded by scattered trophies and ribbons. She couldn't quit thinking of Tommy and decided that if she was to think of him, she'd do it to completeness. She thought of how she met him and the day at the pier; every hug, fight, sideways smile, and song they'd ever written together. You're losing it, Jude.

"I ALREADY HAVE!" She growled to herself viciously.

She sang softly, small eruptions of maniacal cackling interrupting from time to time.

"Time to be your only one..."

"Lies. All of it. Fucking lies!" She slammed her battered fist against the wall. She wanted pain and felt she needed it. It was a good feeling.

"Time to be your twenty-one..."

"Die die die die die... Please stop... Please get out of my head. Yes, I am crazy. No, I'm NOT crazy! Don't you lie. You always lie." Jude hit her temple with her wrist. "Shut up or I'll shut you up. No, don't shut up. Let's talk this out. Why are you so mean to me? What have I done to you? I'll fucking kill you... I swear to god! It hurts... Do you feel it? It hurts... I did it... I drove him away. I did it. I knew I would. I pushed Shay away. I pushed Jaime away. He was my friend though. He said he loved me. Why can't we just be friends? I pushed Tommy away. I hope he thinks I'm dead. I hope he's worried about me. I hope he never thinks of me again. Please stop. Go away."

Jude argued with the jumbled thoughts and merciless voices that swirled in her head. Still, the thoughts of dying were the only things to permeate the blue-grey oceans she felt taking her under. She couldn't get them to stop.

"You will NOT kill yourself, Harrison!"

She mumbled off her verbal suicide letter to the missing audience for whom it was intended.

"Dear Mom... I'm dead. My fault for not being Sadie. I know she was the best. Dear Sadie... Are you fucking happy now? Go ahead. Tommy's free. I won't ruin your life anymore. Dear Dad... Do you miss me? Don't tell Yvette I'm dead. I don't want her at the funeral. Dear Jaime and Kat... I hope you two always stay together. I missed you guys when I was alive. Dear G-Major... I'm sorry for breaking my contract. Maybe Kwest can remix my first CD, that way you can get another album out. I'm sorry I was always so whatever. Dear Shay... It's funny that you left me for Eden when I'm hoping you two will rot in hell. Where's the Tree of Life when you need it? Dear Tommy... I really did love you... You were the best thing that ever happened to me. I'm sorry I told my dad. I'm sorry that I was always so immature and angsty. Please... Sadie's waiting for you. I just can't care anymore. Sorry I had to go but I guess that's what was needed. I hope your life will be ok. I love you..."

Jude tried to laugh but could only find herself crying. She brought the back of her hand to her cheek.

"Shhh... Don't cry, girl. It's ok. I love you. Don't say it... But I do. I love you too, Tommy." She rocked herself, singing one again, the same line on repeat.

"Time to be your twenty-one... Time to be... your twenty-one... Twenty-one... Twenty-one..."