March 1974
Gregory and Bette never should have left me alone with Alex. I could have called all over the China trying to find John just as easier as they can. One of them should have stayed with Alex. They know her, they know what to do. Gregory's good at taking care of people. He's been able to make Alex laugh, and with her husband unreachable, he seems to be falling into the empty place at her side.
Alex closes her eyes and her grip tightens down on my hands. Gregory told me what to say, but I'll be dammed if I can remember now. How does anyone share this with someone else? How do I talk her through this? People aren't supposed to look to me when they're in pain. I can't handle pain. I've made a career of avoiding it. Law is full of emotions I understand, victory and defeat. Coldly calculating your enemies strategy and eviscerating him by being the stronger player. I can't reason my way around this. I can't protect Alex with words, and I certainly can't talk my way out of this. Time finally crawls away as her pain fades.
Ironically, she's the one smiling at me with the same patient smile I love on Gregory's face. "Not what you expected for your big date, is it?"
I lick my lips and nervously try to figure out what she wants me to say, but she answers her own question.
"I'm sorry. I really am, John should be here with me, not you, Bette and Gregory. Not that I don't love all of you for being here, but it seems a bit unfair that he got the fun part and none of this nasty mess." She pulls herself to a sitting position, keeping the same quiet smile even though her eyes give away how difficult it is.
"I'm sure he's beating himself up for missing this." I offer half-heartedly as I realize I can't picture the impatient businessman next to me at Elaine's wedding caring that his wife gave birth to his son without him.
"Probably not." Alex hisses through clenched teeth as she tries vainly to get comfortable on her bed. Her hand rests on my shoulder for a moment and and I reach out to help steady her. "He'll just be glad it's done with, and that he has his baby boy."
The awkward silence falls entirely on me and my mind heads back to Gregory. "Did you see how much he blushed when the nurse teased him for being the nervous father-to-be?" I'm probably blushing now just thinking about him, but Alex appreciates the distraction.
"He'll be a wonderful father someday." She sighs and tucks a damp tendril of hair behind her ear. For a moment I picture Gregory holding my hands just like he held Alex's, but I force my instinctual shudder of fear away. Nothing is going to happen to Alex. She's going to be fine. Gregory told me to concentrate on that.
"Does he want children?" I ask finally, holding up the glass of ice water the duty nurse said it was all right for her to have. "Has he mentioned it to you at all?"
Alex nods, but the next contraction hits her before she has a chance to answer. As if she can sense how nervous I am, she closes her eyes and internalizes her suffering as best she can. It breaks through in the whitening of her knuckles as blood's forced out of her flesh, the tears in the corners of her eyes that seep past her lashes, I should know what to do.
All I can think about is my mother. I don't have a real memory for my fears to build themselves on, but I've seen pictures. My mother had straight hair, like Alex's, but dark and thick. Did she have my eyes? For a moment I see her in front of me, her hands reaching out desperately towards my father to save her from the darkness she must have seen coming. She must have felt it, sensed that every step I came to the world hastened her own departure.
Her cry of pain lances into my daydream, and when she drops my hands I instinctually reach out to her. Her shoulder doesn't burn me when I grab it. Desperation drives her to latch onto me, and by the time her contraction ends I'm sitting in her bed with her. Nervously running my hand over her hair helps calm us both.
"Gregory-" She takes a deep breath, shuddering back from the edge. "He, you can't tell anyone about this, he did all the shopping for the baby with me. He loves kids." Alex leans into my shoulder, breathing hard as the sweat from her forehead soaks into my blouse. "They'd be adorable, the two of you have the right combination of looks. Gregory's eyes- your nose."
She manages weakly to lift her head and I'm struck by the desire to make her smile. It's not really me, but I brush the towel across her face just like I've been watching Gregory do all night. "How much painkillers did they give you?" I tease softly with a raised eyebrow. "Gregory and I are just dating-"
Alex laughs until she starts coughing and reaches for the water glass on the table next to us. Her throat must be raw. "But you have slept with him." She fires back.
I blush immediately, a reflex I thought I'd quashed. "How can you tell? He didn't tell you, did he?"
"I don't think I need to warn you that this-" Alex waves her hand around her hospital room bleakly, "Could be one of the consequences of ravishing the sweet and naive Mr. Richards."
I pushed aside the posibility of ever carrying a baby long ago, but Gregory said he loved me. He didn't think about it, he didn't blush, he just looked into my eyes and said it. Twice.
"I didn't 'ravish' him." I whisper as I look down at the white hospital gown sticking to her damp skin. "We-"
She lifts her hand to my chin and shakes her head. "I don't need details. I'm perfectly happy imagining the whole thing."
I jump back from her, surprised by that kind of candor.
Alex's jaw tightens and she hurries to finish her thought before she looses the ability to speak again. "He's been needing to break in the Jag for quite awhile now."
It is getting easier to let her hold my hands. Maybe we're getting closer, or perhaps I'm just starting to believe Gregory's optimism. Of course everything is going to be fine for Alex. Elaine's got all the bad luck today it seems. Alex is forced to pant this time, and at the peak of her contraction her eyes snap open and meet mine with the first splash of naked fear I've seen from her. Why are women forever cursed to pay for any great pleasure with an equal amount of pain?
Her grip tightens around my fingers until I start to loose feeling in the ends of my fingers. The moan dies in her throat, but the apology in the twisting corner of her mouth suggests she's not going to be able to keep her stoic front much longer. "I am sorry." She whispers with the last of her breath. "Olivia, you really-"
"It's all right." I'm not sure who I'm convincing anymore. "I don't blame you. It's John's fault. He should be here." I pat the bed next to her and give her my steeliest courtroom smile. "He's just lucky I haven't taken the bar yet, I could charge him by the hour."
"Might cost even more than Bette's husband." She laughs the same brave little laugh that she's fought so hard to keep up through this whole ordeal. "If we have another baby, I'll make sure we have you on retainer by then."
Gregory finally returns just as both of us are starting to get a little nervous. I'm almost jealous that Alex has the distraction of pain. I have to think too much. I have to worry that I've only seen her doctor, Bette's husband Jeffrey twice since we arrived at six-thirty. The time's creeping past ten now, and I can't help wandering if something's wrong somewhere.
The floor nurses keep checking in, but a small voice in the back of my head insists that there's more going on then just a difficult premature labor of Elaine's. Of course South Bay is a tiny hospital, little more than a clinic really. Alex and I discern that her contractions are down to two minutes apart when Gregory finally returns.
He takes one of Alex's hands from mine and shares a worried look with me. "I thought I could find John, but I don't speak any Mandarin, and the time change is rediculous, I'm not sure if I got the right secretary in the right hotel or if I was just talking to a series of irate farmwives who are putting ancestral hexes on me while we speak."
Gregory's rambling, suddenly as nervous as I am when he realizes how much more worn down Alex is. Sometimes she doesn't bother to force the smile as she rallies her strength to fight the next battle. Most of the time I just remind myself to keep talking.
"I promise to still love you even if you turn into a cricket. I'll get you a nice box." I tease him with surprising lightness. If we're not worried, Alex won't be.
But the joke isn't the part Gregory hears. His face lights up because I've admitted it. "Even if I'm a cricket?" He repeats softly as he breaks into a rather foolish grin.
"I do remember saying that-" Our flirting comes to an end when Alex fails to bite back a sharp moan.
Gregory drops her hand and darts out into the hallway after the nurse who seems to be filling in for Jeffrey. She returns with Gregory just a step behind. She's in her late forties, with the color hair that my father called maple syrup, but the warm brown fits her. She has the kind of smile we'd like to see on Alex's doctor. The calm aura of confidence that makes everything she says believable. Brushing the stray tear off of Alex's cheek, she squeezes Alex's shoulder. "You're doing great sweetheart. Just a little bit longer and we'll move you out to delivery."
Alex nods, searching for the strength to reply for a moment. "Okay."
Gregory takes her hands, he couldn't be more excited if she was having his baby. For an insane moment my brain toys with the idea. Gregory's known Alex for years, they're closer than any of his male friends. He's the one who knows everything about her baby. Would they? It's possible. Alex watches him with complete trust, holds his hands like a lifeline and hangs on his every word.
But he said he loved me. Alex agreed that he should be with me. Gregory's not the kind of man to let John raise his child. I don't think he'd trust John to raise his sister's dogs, let alone a love child he had with Alex. He kisses her cheek and drops his voice to a comforting whisper. It's obvious really, if this were Gregory's baby, Alex's marriage would be over. Gregory's the understudy here. He's filling in, practicing for his turn. His baby, his wife, and eventually his own family.
Jeffrey smells of whiskey. I've spent far too much time in the cheap alleyways of Manchester not to know what whiskey smells like on the breath of a man who's trying to hide it. He barely looks at Alex as he takes her pulse with reddened fingers. Her bravado's fading away, leaving just her gritty determination to see her baby into the world. Now wonder Gregory is so fond of her. She seems to have the kind of fire Gregory talks about wanting. That brilliance of spirt he claims I have.
Gregory must smell the alcohol on him too because his fight with Bette starts as soon as Alex has been transferred to the delivery room and is out of earshot. "He's been drinking."
"What do you want me to do? Go to his boss and get him fired? He's my husband!" Bette wrings her hands and pulls him aside. They speak in hushed voices for a second but neither of them are listening to each other. I move closer, hoping to get a glimpse into their fight. Alex screams and it rings down the hallway. They break apart and Gregory takes my hand because whatever's in his mind is too terrible to face alone. I don't know what to tell him, he's the one who convinces me not to worry.
Alex screams and Gregory's white knight complex nearly pulls my arm from it's socket. I pull him back to the wall across from the delivery room. "We can't. Let's go back to the waiting room."
He shakes his head and runs his hand through his hair in nervous desperation. "Can we just stay here? I can't just leave her-" Gregory shudders as she screams again and I grab his wrist.
"You told me she'd be okay, remember?" I pull him back to the wall, getting us out of the way of the scattered people walking through. "You left me with her and promised she'd be all right. She's going to be."
"Jeffrey's drunk." Gregory whispers as he surrenders and sinks to the floor.
That's not the whole of it. There's something else on his mind, something with Bette, but he'll probably be dammed before he tells me. I rest my head on his shoulder. I've got a hefty pile of the criminal code to study tonight. I'll never get any of it done now, I resign myself to pulling another all-nighter tomorrow to catch up as I let Gregory wind his hands around mine.
I couldn't study in my apartment anyway. I'm behind on the electric bill again. But that's not going to matter. I'm moving in with Gregory. I'm leaving the railroad yard and my dying old Ford for a flat in the nice part of town and a Jaguar that would have cost my father a year's salary. Because Gregory loves me. I don't think I've ever been prepared for this kind of revelation. Being with him's been a dream and I've spent all this time trying to prepare myself to wake up. What if I don't have to?
Gregory lowers his chin to my head, pulling me that much closer because he just doesn't want to be alone. Alex's screams stop and Gregory jumps back to his feet. He's trembling with excitement and his hand squeezes into my arm.
But it's too quiet. Jeffrey comes out of the delivery room too slowly. He shakes his head and I can see the regret in his eyes. Gregory looks him and starts shaking his head, as if that can prevent what Jeffrey has to say.
"The baby didn't make it." Jeffrey tells us softly. "Alex is fine, she's been sedated, but I'm afraid there was nothing we could do for the baby."
Gregory lunges out of my arms and punches Jeffrey hard enough to knock him down. He stands above him breathing hard for a moment as he kills Jeffrey with his eyes. Then without a word, Gregory walks away.
A woman with icy blonde hair walks by with her baby a few minutes later as we exit the hospital. The little thing is screaming and I'm struck by the unfairness of it all. Alex's baby is dead, but the woman standing next to me has hers. Every baby will remind Alex of what she's lost, but this woman doesn't even seem to appreciate what she has.
March 1997
"There was a woman there mom." Caitlin whispers in disgust. "Dad said he'd been in the shower, but I could tell he was lying, and the bed is all messed up."
I pat Caitlin's shoulder and sigh, grateful that she's choosen my side again. "I'll take care of it."
The party's over. Ben and Meg's prying didn't get them anywhere on their suspicions. No one's going to burn my husband for murdering that b#tch Elaine. Gregory might be with another woman in our bed right now, but he's mine. He's my husband and I will discipline him as I choose until he leaves me or I finally have to kick him out of my house.
Divorcing him would be expensive. Most of my company is built with his money, my long hours at the office where made possible by his sacrifices for our children. His paltry salary for teaching history at Sunset Beach Academy would be dwarfed by the zeros I'd have to put on the end of his monthly alimony check. I remember Charles explaining that community property and the current state of family law would give him the house and full custody of Sean.
Maybe I should find a way to work things out. Just to keep my finances intact. And I'm used to him. Even if he insists on bringing sluts into our bed, Gregory's familiar. I'm even occasionally fond of him.
Caitlin was right. The bed's a mess and Gregory looks guilt the moment I open the door.
"Trying for a divorce again?" I start vindictively as I yank him off the bed. "Do you think I'll be angry enough that you'll have a case for intolerable cruelty?"
He just shrugs, neither apologizing nor contradicting me. "Do you want me to leave?"
"Why bother? You don't seem to think you're married anymore at all." I snort imperiously and point at the bed in disgust. "Elaine wasn't enough? You had to get some cheap slut up here into OUR bed as well?"
"There's nothing going on in it with you!" Gregory snaps back as he hits my hands off of his arms. "What do you care? Are you jealous Olivia? Does your blood boil because I found someone who finds me attractive? Does it bother you that other women might look at me and see something you don't anymore?"
I raise my eyebrow and try to keep from looking at the part of his chest bared beneath his robe. A failed one night stand two nights ago left me a little more on edge than I realized. He just gets on my nerves more when I have to admit to myself that he's the best I've ever had. The damn businessman I almost had two nights ago wasn't even able to get beyond talking about having sex. Though Gregory is a continuous disappointment in every part of our marriage, he's never let me down in bed.
"Maybe it's just because they don't know you. It's always been easier for you to sleep with strangers than your own wife." I snap at him as I steel myself against his retort.
"Fine. I'll move out." He turns away from me and I start to laugh at his deception. "You'll have the divorce papers in the morning."
He opens his closet and takes out a suitcase, one of the small ones for overnight. Dumping it on the floor Gregory returns from the bathroom with his toothbrush and the little leather case for his razor. As he reaches for his clothes I slap his hand away from his neat little pile of boxers. "You're not leaving."
"Oh really?" He leaves his clothes and heads for the door of the bedroom. "I can leave robe, it'll look great on the front of the Sentinel tomorrow morning." Gregory mimes a headline with an tired smile. "Queen of Sunset Beach kicks her penniless consort out on the street."
"So this is about money?" I hiss angrily as I block the door. The press would spin it his way. The woman never wins in these situations.
Gregory starts laughing and cups my chin as he reaches for the handle of the door. "Maybe that's the problem with us. I don't give a damn about money and it's all you think about. Maybe you'd be better off if I'd been just as poor as you are."
"That's right, rub it in that I'm living on your money." Of course he would. he awlays does. "Well, mister silver spoon Richards if it weren't for me we'd still be living in the apartment your parents bought you because you don't even have the guts to go house hunting! It's just too simple for your vast intellect to handle!"
He keeps laughing because it infuriates me. So I tear into him. "You've always been too good for the simple down-to-earth daily chores. After all, you've got a god dammed PHD, what good are we mere mortals next to you?"
"My darling, perhaps you should look in a mirror when you talk about being too good for the simple things in life. Where were you when your daughter took her first steps?"
My hand lashes out before I realize what I'm thinking. It cracks across Gregory's face but at least it takes the smug expression off. My hand's stinging as I hold it to my chest, and Gregory actually looks apologetic.
"I was out of line." He offers simply as he digs up his toothbrush from his suitcase and shoves it back in the closet. "I'll be in the guest room if you need me."
I shouldn't snap at him, but I can't hold myself back. "I can't think of an occasion where I possibly would."
He shrugs and opens the door to the hallway. "Maybe the house will start on fire."
I resist the urge to scream after his retreating back and return to the unearthly quiet of the empty master bedroom. He left me with the dirty sheets of his fling with her, whoever she was. I force tears away because that would be losing to him. I force myself to look at the bed and picture him there with another woman. Tonight she's a blonde and he strokes her hair as they caper together in the sheets of my bed. He whispers and laughs as she kisses his chest. I tear the sheets from the bed, ripping the pillowcases inside out as I remove them from the pillows.
I kick the bedding into the corner and strip the rest of the sheets from our marital bed. I stare panting at the naked mattress when I realize I'm crying after all. Why wasn't it me? Why isn't it ever us anymore? He doesn't even ask me anymore. He never reaches across the bed and touches my hand, or even my arm. Gregory doesn't kiss me. I sink against the wall and hug my knees to my chest. He doesn't want to share my bed with me and he's made that clear. Now I just need to learn how to live with it.