April 1975

Five hours of pencils scratching. Five hours of being surrounded by my classmates in a stuffy room without enough windows. Five hours of obscure legal facts and I'm ready to scratch my eyes out with my number two pencil. The proctor releases us and I don't even bother to pretend not to hurry to Gregory's car. It was so sweet of him let me sell my clunker for scrap as it deserved and drive the beautiful old Jaguar but he is a darling. Gregory is always sweet to me.

I doubt I deserve it. When I'm with him it's the only doubt I have in my heart. Wether I deserve his sweetness and his unconditional love. As I turn the key into his apartment, I can feel his hands on my back, his breathon my cheek. It's so easy to want his touch, to ache for him. Why isn't it easier to trust him? Why can't I just let him in?

"The legal community's trembling before you aren't they?" I can hear him rattling pans in the kitchen and the hiss of wine and oil. He spoils me but he loves every moment of it. I've asked him to stop, but he just smiles, kisses my forehead and turns away. He's happy. Gregory's happy in the manner of a Christmas puppy who has realized he's been given to the most wonderful little girl in the world.

I'm not her. "Perhaps." I tease as I trip off my clothes. Dropping them to the floor and reaching for the shirt on top of his pile of clean clothes, I undo the clasp of my bra and feel the cool fabric of his shirt brush against my breasts as it falls away to the floor. I kick it aside into the pile of shoes and my discarded clothes from the day.

My bare feet are cool against the floor as I pad out of the bedroom. He doesn't hear me over the hiss of the stove and the rustling of wood on metal as he finishes preparing dinner. The smell is enticing, but I'm in no mood for the slow torture of eating across from him. Watching his tongue do things to his fork I'd rather have him be doing to me.

"I won't get the results for another six weeks, but I know I passed." Gregory doesn't look up as he tucks his pans into the oven to stay warm. I slip my hand around him to steal one of the neatly julienne strips of pepper from his cutting board on the counter. He slaps at my hand playfully and grabs my wrist to roll up the sleeve of the stolen shirt.

"I didn't have any doubt." He reaches for my other sleeve and rolls it up as well. "Wouldn't want you to get it dirty. I just washed that." Gregory doesn't turn around. He hasn't noticed that the only thing I'm wearing is his shirt.

"You did my laundry again too didn't you?" I tease as I run my fingers up his spine. Gregory shudders just enough to inflame my resolve. i hope his masterpiece reheats because I'll never be able to devour anything but him. At least until I get him out of my system. Is it love to want him as much as I do? If it is only lust everything else I've felt up to this point has just been an appetizer.

I stand on my tiptoes to kiss the back of his neck and finally he turns around and spends a little time with his hands on my instead of his utensils. The shirt bunches and the fabric of his corduroy trousers rubs against the bare skin of my thigh. i sigh and squeeze him a little closer. "You don't have to do that."

"Maybe I was hoping you'd wear your own clothes some of the time if they were clean-" He offers back playfully as he tugs at the collar of his shirt. As he expected the top button strains and then pops open under his touch. Gregory's eyes widen in polite surprise as he looks down the valley between my breasts and realizes there's nothing in his way.

"Yours are more fun." I reach around to shut off the stove. "Play with me." I beg with pouting lips as I tilt my head up to meet his eyes. "i'm not ready to eat yet-" I dance my fingers inside the back of his trousers and his eyebrows fly up in surprise. "I've been such a busy girl with that nasty, nasty bar exam..."

I melt my lips into the warm of his neck. Gregory sighs as he sets his spatula aside.

"I spent three hours on dinner." He complains gently as he lets me lead him to the bedroom after one last look over his soon-to-be neglected kitchen.

I pull him from the doorway and force him into the living room. "I'll trade you."

Laughing almost nervously as I push him down to the sofa, he looks to the bedroom and then back to me with quiet curiosity. "No bedroom?"

I nibble his bottom lip and grin wickedly as I reach for the hem of his polo shirt. "Maybe in a little while." I tear it over his head and slip into his lap.

Gregory catches my hands as I reach for his belt. "Maybe you shouldn't be in such a hurry." Running his tongue in a lazy line from my chin to the tip of my left breast he draws an anxious moan out of my throat. Even nearly naked it's too hot in our apartment. He sucks, driving tender flesh and nerves into a flurry of activity. I dig my fingers into his shoulders and resist the urge to demand he flip me back and take me now.

Instead of moving his mouth to the other aching breast, he works his way down my chest and stomach, moving out from under me to get a better angle. Bit by bit he works his way up, only finally paying attention to the other breast when I dig my hands into his hair.

"-Fuck me."

He rests his forehead on the bare skin of my chest as he bursts into laughter. "Liv?"

"I'm serious." I try to explain as I stare up at at the ceiling and try to ignore his fingers playing just above my knee. "Forget what I like, forget being so dammed sweet and just fuck me like you've never met me before."

He rocks back on the balls of his feet and rests his arms contemplatively on my lap. "I'm not sure if I can do that." Gregory's mouth twists in a playful little smile of amusement. "I'm not really in the habit of 'fucking' strangers."

I trace a finger over the muscles of his chest and kiss his forehead. "I don't want to think. I want you to take me like I can't say no."

Sighing as he stares up at me with that infuriating gentleness, Gregory's eyebrows tighten. "I won't hurt you."

I shake my head, smiling softly. "I'm not asking you to hurt me. Just don't let me think. I've done too much of that today. Please darling-"

"For you?" He offers as he marches his fingers playfully up my thighs.

"For me. Oh darling I'm sure you have some dark little thoughts somewhere you can draw on."

Gregory takes a moment to think, settling comfortably on the wood floor as he studies the pleading in my eyes. He gets up on one knee as he cups my cheek. I can feel the conflict in his silence. Gregory's not the type to be rough with me. It's a kind of consideration I'm not used too and it's nearly entirely foreign to me that he waits for me to initiate our encounters. There's a definitely a quiet comfort in control.

He stands up slowly, patiently brushing a hand through my hair as he seems lost in thought. He turns away from me just long enough to surprise the hell out of me when he kisses me hard enough to draw blood as my teeth scape against the inside of my lip. He cups my breast in his hand, tearing one of the buttons of his shirt free with a pop as Gregory uses the weight of his body to push me down into the sofa.

Leaving me gasping for air as he breaks the kiss, Gregory drags me roughly to my feet and scoops me up into his arms. Unceremoniously carrying me into the bedroom he drops me roughly on the bed. Kissing me again, he keeps me busy with his mouth on my neck as his right hand dives into his pile of laundry. Without a word he grabs my wrists and binds them in an intricate knot of silk. I strain against it, testing the strength of his handywork as he grins and flips my arms up towards the brass at the head of the bed. Laughing as he secures it to the head of the bed, I close my eyes and try to guess where he'll touch me.

I can hear the clink of his belt buckle as it hits the floor and the rustle of his pants as they fall next to it. The bed shifts as his weight is added to it. He runs a slow fingertip around the crown of my knee and I squirm in desperate protest. He mounts my legs, pinning them to the bed as he makes the same maddening circle with his tongue.

He knows I can't stand it, not being tickled, not being touched, none of it. "Stop, stop-"

Gregory grabs my face, fingertips digging into my cheek and carrying the faint smell of garlic and white wine from the dinner getting cold in the other room. "No." He whispers in a tone I've never heard him use with me before, an angry growl that doesn't leave room for argument. He kisses me again and I can feel the hardness of his teeth against my lips. They'll be bruised but it's the kind of desperation I wanted. The kind of disregard for my safety that I need tonight. His hands are harsh as he roams down my chest. Even Gregory's soft brown eyes are cold. It's not him, he's never looked at me like this, but he's doing it now for me. He'd do anything for me.

Bored with the fabric between us, he rips open the shirt and the last buttons bounce delicately on the floor. He sinks his fingers into my sides just below my breasts and runs up to them. When he reaches them he finds both nipples. Heat runs down my stomach with the flash of pain. I strain against the tie holding me to the head of the bed and wish I could return the sensation by digging my nails into his back. But I can't get free and he knows it. He's laughing as he realizes I'm fighting. Gregory lowers his chest to mine, drawing tiny goosebumps as his hair brushes against my inflamed skin.

His left hand cups my chin again. "No Olivia." He follows the admonition with a kiss as his right hand finds a better way to punish me. As his fingers crawl roughly between my legs I'm suddenly, violently aware of how wet I am. He slips his finger down and then up over my clit, teasing with the barest hint of pressure before curling his finger and running his knuckle harshly over it. I cry out in surprise as my nerves protest the abuse, but he quiets me with another bruising kiss.

I can barely catch my breath as he begins a quick rhythm. I try to pull my arms free, rattling the bed as I struggle, but it's in vain, and he's smiling that wicked smile as his teeth glance off the soft flesh of my stomach. His tongue runs in a curving trail down my across to my right hip. His right hand darts below, two fingers stroking in and upwards as his tongue takes it's place against my clit. His lips are a weak buffer between the torture of his teeth and this time he lets me scream. My head's spinning spiraling upwards and his hands roughly force my legs open as he holds me still. Panting against the urge to scream I arch my back and try to free myself from his grip.

I can't help screaming when he enters me, but the shock makes it a stilted sound. There's no more teasing as he rocks my hips back and drives into me. His chest runs hot over my stomach, and he pulls nearly out, runs a cruel thumb over my clit once hard enough to force tears in my eyes, before driving in again. My wrists ache from the tie binding them but I can't think about anything but him as he forces me down into the bed. He rocks forward, pushing deeper, harder, and I'm lost. Satisfaction arrives like a brick wall, whiting out my vision and running in a line of fire up my spine. It burns through and I barely feel his release as the shiver takes over.

His breathing is still racing, but he's not shaking. It's just me who can't stop trembling. He's free and I'm utterly dependent on him. Quick fingers release his complicated knot and he pulls me into his arms. Gregory's never seen me cry. I've never let him. It's too personal, too vulnerable but I can't help it. It's too much.

Thankfully he hasn't said anything, speaking would require me to acknowledge my feelings. Admit that I need him to keep holding me because I can't face the world outside of this moment. Is the world even still here? Maybe I missed the end of the world and that's why I feel so strange. Gregory kisses my cheek as he releases me for a moment, pulling the sheet up over me I use the corner to dab at the tears on my cheek. He rolls back over, dropping his pants back to the floor as he rests his closed fist on my chest.

With his free hand Gregory does a much better job of removing my tears than I did. Beneath his tousled brown hair he smiles with the innocent glee of a little boy about to have his fondest wish come. I straighten the sheet over my breasts and take his hand with both of mine.

"What's this?" I ask softly, trying to keep the edge out of my voice.

If he hears it, he doesn't mind. Gregory crawls up the bed to kiss me and I can still taste him on my lips as we pull apart. "You're brilliant, driven, ambitious, passionate, everything I 've never understood. So very beautiful, strong, defiant and yet so vulnerable." He brushes the dampness in the corner of my eye and looks right into my soul.

"I love you. I love every moment of being with you. You're everything I never knew I was missing until you spoke to me. You're my Renaissance and my Enlightenment. I need you to bring light into my life." He turns over his hand, opening his palm to reveal a stunning pear shaped diamond ring that burns as if it were lit from within.

"Marry me." There's no question, no room for dismissal, just the two words of command.

And then I can't breathe.

April 1997

Gregory takes the time to kiss my forehead as we arrive home from the hospital. It's the kind of sweet gesture I've missed so much it hurts to think about how long it's been since he did it and meant it. Dinner meant a lot to him, I overheard him telling Sean how wonderful it was that I took him out. God knows it's been more than a year since we went out together just to spend time together. I have to admit it was lovely. I'd forgotten how wonderful it is to sit across from him and feel his smile warm up the room.

He walks me upstairs, brushing my lower back with his hand as he heads to the master bedroom. I've been sleeping in the guestroom since that horrible night with the other woman.

It doesn't even feel like our bed and I'm not ready to face that just yet. Gregory hasn't said a word about it and I can't tell if the affair is even over. It might not be because he's changing clothes as I walk by the bedroom. I was only intending to get a night cap and put myself to bed, but Gregory looks like he's getting ready to go out again.

I shouldn't but I knock on the door. "Do we have any aspirin in the bathroom?"

He looks up in surprise from his dresser drawers. Gregory could just be putting his clothes away, it could be entirely innocent. He looks up innocently and shuts his drawer. "I think so. You all right?"

Is it wrong to that I just want him to hold me? There's the start of a headache just inside my temples. Will he even care? "I've just a bit of a headache." I shrug and give him half of a smile. "There isn't anything in the bathroom in the guestroom."

He touches my shoulder, eyes soft with concern. "You didn't have to knock." Gregory sits me down on the loveseat in front of the bed and heads for the bathroom. "Just stay there, I'll get it for you."

I hear the faucet and realize he's getting me a glass of water. He's always so sweet. "You didn't have to knock." Gregory calls from the bathroom. I pretend not to hear him, rubbing my temples and closing my eyes against the light.

I wait for him to sit down next to me and touch my shoulder before I even look up. "I'm sorry darling, did you say something?"

"You didn't have to knock." He repeats gently as he passes the glass of water and the two white aspirin into my hands. "It's your bedroom too."

I take a sip of water and palm the aspirin as I pretend to swallow them. The slight headache I have is helping the charade and I'm not ready to banish it just yet. Will he stay with me and minister to my headache or make his excuses and run off to be with her?

"Is it?" I let as much hurt into my voice as I dare, pleased with the edge that's crept into it.

"Of course it is." He takes my hands away from my temples and replaces them with his own warm fingers. Gregory makes slow circles and I like my eyes close again. "If you're still too angry with me, I can move to the guest room instead. I wouldn't even need to move my clothes. You're up and gone before I even get up most days."

Is that a jab about me working too much? Seems like a low blow for Gregory, especially when he thinks I'm ill. I sigh and drop my head heavily to my hands. "I haven't been to the office since Sean became ill, maybe you'd let me off the hook about work for tonight?" It's a weak attempt at light heartedness, and just as I predicted, Gregory sees right through it. His fingers move down to my neck and find the stubborn knots of tension I didn't even know were there.

"It meant a great deal to him that you were there Olivia." Gregory turns on the loveseat, getting a better angle to work on my neck. "More than I think you realize."

I let my breath hiss out from between my teeth, earning that warm concern in his voice I don't deserve but want so badly tonight. "He's my son. Where else could I be?"

His thumbs carry his apology along the vertebrae of my neck, and he moves my hair aside to creep his fingers up to the base of my skull. Gregory lets it drop, more concerned with my well-being than punishing me any further today. "It wasn't an accusation Liv."

I startle, turning toward him in surprise I don't have to fake. "I can't remember the last time you called me that."

Gregory's hand lifts my own to his lips and he kisses it gently. "Would you believe I never stopped in my heart?"

I smile, leaning I cup his cheek and lean back into the sofa. "I was just remembering the Gregory I fell in love with. Irrepressible, fearless and strong-"

He interrupts, laughing as he sets down my glass of water. "That's what I thought about you. You were the one who was fearless. From the moment I saw you, I wanted you and I wanted to be like you." He looks down at his hands on my knee and back up at me. "I needed your strength."

"You were strong." I remind him, remembering how caring he was when Alex lost her baby. How she never saw anything but hope in his face. "You weren't one of those men who pretends to be stoic, you felt and you were never afraid to share that with me." Somewhere I've stopped acting. I really loved him once, and I don't think I've been this frightened since Sean collapsed two days ago.

"I needed that." I promise him, wishing desperately I didn't have get up and walk away from him. Wishing I could trust him not to hurt me anymore.

Gregory sighs heavily, looking down at his bare feet in the soft carpet of our bedroom. "The difference is, now I need you-" He shrugs and there's more pain in his eyes than I've ever let myself see. "And I don't think you need me."

Guilt wells up a thousand times worse than the pain I was imagining in my head. Of course I need him. I don't even know who I am without him. "No." I whisper vaguely, unable to admit everything else that's racing through my mind. "That's not true."

I thought I was beyond caring about him. I thought I could hate him for finding happiness with other women, I thought I could just walk away and seal myself inside my hurt, like I always do. But his lips are so close, so soft- I have self control. I know the difference between love and lust. I know that lust keeps my body quiet and love just twists the knife in my heart I've never been able to face.

But I kiss him anyway. I pull his face to mine and kiss him as if he's the only man who's ever mattered because there's no other way to tell him how he makes my heart beat. And it's as incredible as I remember it being. He's always been able to take my breath away.