November 1975

I never rush into things. I'm cautious, I wait. I try to be responsible. I think things through logically. For god's sake, I'm a lawyer. I can't be impulsive. But here I am. Wearing this ridiculously beautiful white dress and waiting on baited breath for Gregory to tell the whole world that he loves me. He loves me enough to spend the rest of my life with me.

I could get up in front of the Supreme Court without this feeling in my knees. Just watch him. I remind myself. He knows what he's doing. He believes in this, us- Gregory believes and he says so. He stares right into my eyes and tells the whole damn world that I'm all he wants in the world.

I should run, now, save him the embarrassment and the pain of the long slow end to our marriage that must be coming eventually. We can't be happy forever. He's holding my hands. He's smiling at me. Waiting. Everyone's waiting.

"I do." It just slips out, my heart defeating my mind and winning control of me.

It whirls by in a haze of Gregory's smile and the warmth of his hands on mine. Other people talk, Gregory listens intently and I just keep staring at him. Maybe if I watch him long enough it will all start to make sense. The pounding of my heart and the way it quiets only when he's holding my hands.

He suddenly takes my arm and folds it around his. He has to nudge my a little to remind me to start walking and the chapel fills with music and the thunderous sound of people clapping. We're done. I remind myself again that the ceremony was meaningless. We were married the minute we signed the certificate this morning. At least in the eyes of the law, and that should be all that matters to me.

Instead of that, all I can think about is his hand on my arm. The warmth of his fingers is more sacred then any vows I wasn't listening too. He kisses my cheek as we come to a halt on the steps of the church. "We did it."

I shake my head slowly in disbelief. "Now what do we do?"

Gregory's thumb catches on the inner part of my elbow. "Everything." He promises easily, as if it's the most natural thing in the world. "Starting in Florence."

I blush as his gaze travels down the bodice of my dress. He's the only one who can do that.

Alex runs up to him and throws her arms around his neck. She's as confident and giddy as he is. "You two are just adorable."

Del agrees as he lifts my hands to his lips and kisses it. "You are miles beyond lovely Olivia. I'm not sure if he deserves you."

Gregory squeezes my waist as he takes me away from Del. "I don't. She just hasn't figured it out yet."

"Don't ever let her!" Bette suggests as she kisses us both and starts to laugh. "Be happy. Be happy for all of us-" She gestures to Alex and Del with her bouquet and winks. "Who aren't as lucky in love."

"Thank you." I add when I find my voice. "Thank you all so much." Our strange wedding party smiles and nods as Gregory's family invades.

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Alex clinks her fork against her crystal champagne flute. Until the reception chatter comes to a halt. "It's just come to my attention that as best man-"

A soft titter of amusement goes through the crowd. Our odd wedding party took up the whole left hand column of the society pages last week. It took me nearly an hour to talk Del out of showing up in his own version of the bridesmaids' dresses. Gregory's mother would have made the wedding the shortest in history.

"I get to pray upon all of your good natures and bend your ears on and on about my best friend and the woman who loves him." She glances around the room for effect and continues. Her heavy gold earrings, something unique from her travels, glint in the sunlight as her head bobs in amusement.

"I've known Gregory since he was kind enough to show a poor, lost photography student where the art building was. I remember that young, bookish history major bursting into the brightest blush I've ever seen when I kissed his cheek in thanks." Blowing a kiss at him in remembrance, Alex winks at Gregory as he threatens to blush again. "I knew then that whomever was lucky enough to snag him was going to be getting quite a catch."

"I was, of course, entirely swept up in his good looks and gentle manner back then." Smiling confidentially, she turns away from us as if she's sharing a secret with the crowd. "It wasn't until later that I learned he was loaded, a charmingly hopeless romantic, and the kind of cook that makes you swoon when he mentions anything in French."

"I was too foolish to realize what I was missing by letting him get away." As she rests her hand on his shoulder a stab of jealous runs through me as he smiles up at her adoringly. Would he rather be sitting next to her? Was I just in the right place at the right time?

"I should have known it wouldn't take long for a woman like Olivia Blake, the rising star of southern California's legal community to realize how wonderful Gregory is. After all, she is the brightest star to fall into Massey-Greysolon in the last fifty years."

Gregory touches my hand on all my jealous evaporates into the sweet smell of lilacs in the air. He loves me. He married me. No one else matters. Not to us.

"I can only hope she puts half as much effort into him as she does her work." More laughter, Alex knows her audience all too well.

"To my dear, dear friends." Her eyes mist over slightly as she slips into the serious part of her toast. "Ordinary love is a lone star in a sky of billions, but true love- soul searing-heart wrenching-bring the house down-operatic love is as rare as our little blue-green planet."

"Treasure it. Protect it. Put each other before the everything else and wrap yourselves up in the kind of the love the rest of us only dream about. Be happy. Be sad and melancholy and angry. Scream at each other and throw things. Make love with wild disregard for anything breakable and remember to never go to bed angry. Just keep loving each other."

"Love is the expression of divine power on this Earth, and you two have a responsibility to light up everyone around you with your love. Because that power can never run out."

"Gregory, Olivia- May your journeys together bring you closer to each other and your travels apart bring you home to each other. You have my blessing, all my best wishes, and my love. Always."

My eyes sting. Gregory's nearly crying outright as he reaches to hug her to him.

Del nudges me and grins wickedly. "I'm glad I spoke first darlin'. She makes me look like the illiterate ex-cowpoke I am."

I swallow my years and force myself to laugh. "You always say you can take the rustler out of Texas-"

"I wouldn't worry 'bout me rustling anything." Del points to Alex as Gregory kisses her cheek. "You weren't in town when she got hitched to that no good John Mitchum. Gregory was this close to stealing her away for himself."

I nearly drop my champagne glass. I have to grimace to keep a smile on my face. "You are treading on dangerously thin ice."

"Just want you to know who you married darlin'. That's all." He tries to kiss my cheek but I pull coldly away. "There's a gorgeous little blonde by the bar just dyin' to make my acquaintance. If you'll excuse me."

Shaken more than I care to admit, I stare down at my empty plate and let the anger towards Del boil away my fear. He's just jealous. He couldn't love me the way Gregory does. Gregory married me. Not Alex. Me. I'm the one who matters.

He turns back to me, tilting his head to draw my attention up away from the table. As soon as I look at him, he bursts into that smile that melts my heart whenever I see it.

"You wouldn't be hungry if you ate breakfast like a normal person." He's been dying to use his concerned husband voice ever since we got engaged.

"I had breakfast."

"I love you, but coffee isn't breakfast."

"I like the first part." I trace his chin and shake my head playfully. "But I'm going to pretend I didn't hear the last part."

"Then I love you." He repeats simply. "I intend to say that every time I see you."

I giggle as I rest my forehead against his. "Might be a little inappropriate in court."

"I know a good lawyer, if I ever get in trouble." Gregory's hand teases my thigh through the many layers of satin.

"Do you?"

He nuzzles my neck and I forget about everything but being in love with him. "The best."

-------------------

June 1997

I reach for my coffee and set it back down on my desk as the sour feeling in my stomach returns. Alex's arrest report lies open on my desk. Most of it's fairly damming. Her finger prints on the gun that shot Elaine. A gun registered to her that she claims went missing from her luggage in the hotel.

Gregory says she's innocent. He begged me this morning to represent her. That's when the nausea started. When he looked up from kissing my stomach and begged me to represent Alex at her trial.

"She needs you Liv." The memory of his plea pounds through my head and adds fuel to my headache.

I glance across the DA's pre-trial notes and sigh in agreement. "She might need more than just me darling." If she's guilty I'd owe her one. I can't say Elaine's death didn't give me pleasure. Any woman who touches my husband deserves the same fate.

Unfortunately, the case against Alex is solid. Too solid for a case that's stood open this long. If SBPD had the gun since the murder, they should have arrested Alex months ago. It's too convenient that they found it now. Gregory said Julianna Deschanel stole Alex's baby. AJ's mother, the woman who didn't think I was good enough for her son.

I tap the intercom on my desk.

"Carol- I want you to get Casey Deschanel on my schedule this afternoon."

"Of course ma'am.' She responds immediately. "Are you sure you don't want him this morning?"

"No, I have to visit the police station this morning. Tell my callers I'll get back to them tomorrow." I'll save the ghosts for the afternoon. Perhaps my stomach will have settled by then. Maybe Gregory's right and all the mornings where I've finished a pot of coffee and headed off to the office are starting to catch up to me.

------------------

The officers usher Alex into the little interview room. How she manages to be the same sunny woman in her blue prison jumpsuit as she was the last time I saw her is beyond me. She looks better then I feel. The drive over here just added to my nausea.

"It was good of you to come." Alex offers simply as she takes the seat across from me.

"Gregory said you needed a lawyer." I swallow and stare at the weak cup of coffee one of the officers gave me. Even the smell is making my stomach turn.

"They sent me a nice young man from the office of legal aid. I suppose I could have hired someone-"

I wave her quiet as I push the coffee away. "I'm the best."

"I know." Contently settling back in her chair, she looks me over. "Are you all right?"

"Gregory always says I should eat more for breakfast."

"Coffee isn't breakfast." She repeats softly. "I've heard the lecture." Alex takes a sip and grins impishly. "Not that I've listened."

Gregory gave her the same lecture. Did he use the same tone of voice? I shake it away. I have no reason to be jealous of Alex.

"Let's talk about your case-"

Alex takes my head off my briefcase, startling me slightly. "There's something you need to know first. Before you agree to take my case."

I pat her hand with my best patronizing tone. "I don't care if you did it or not. Gregory doesn't want you to go to prison and that's-"

"That's not it." Alex looks at the table for a second and then right into my eyes. "Gregory and I were lovers."

I rip my hand back as if she's stung me. "Years ago. Before we were married..." I guess hopefully, praying she'll agree with me.

"Recently." Her eyes cut straight into my heart. Gregory's kissed her lips. He ran his fingers through her hair.

I'm going to be sick.

"You were going through a rough patch." She should stop talking now. If she knew what was best for her she would. "I was lonely. I've always had feelings for him-"

"Stop." My chair groans as I shove it back from the table. "Just stop." I start for the door, forcing myself not to flee from her.

She blocks me. Standing in front of the door she's a fragile barrier between me and the lies I'd rather live with. But she won't move. "I seduced him. I wanted him. He's my best friend and I took advantage of him in the worse possible way. It didn't mean anything to him."

"Stop talking." I hiss with more fury than I've ever felt before. He took her to bed. He was inside of her.

"He choose you." I pull away from her but she's stronger than she looks. "As soon as you wanted him again it was over. He's still yours Olivia."

I swallow harshly and rip my arms from her hands. "My secretary will be in touch."

"He loves you." Alex continues as I pretend I can't hear her anywhere. "I was just there."

I'm not going to let her see me throw up. I'm not- "I wasn't." I whisper before I can stop myself.

"Hate me." Alex offers as she touches my shoulder. "I betrayed you both,"

"My office will call you." Pick up the briefcase. Walk away. Dammit Olivia, you can do this.

"Liv-"

She says it just to infuriate me. She knows only Gregory can say that. She wants to draw my anger like a lightning rod.

"Btch." Hissing the expletive only releases the flood. I should have control. I have control. "No one is allowed to call me that."

"It was my fault." Alex insists as the strength drains from my legs. "Hate me. Not Gregory."

I lash out, slamming my own briefcase off the table. It crashes on the floor, but the expensive clasp holds fast. "I have to go."

"He loves you." She touches me again and I can't move to push her away.

If I move I'll have to throw up. "Shut up." I'm not letting her see that.

"Gregory loves you. He'd do anything for you." He won't remain faithful for me. He won't honor his vows. He didn't tell me the truth. "He needs you. I was a distraction, a diversion. A poor substitute."

"Go home to him. Tell him you can't represent me. Tell him what he has to do to make it up to you."

I force myself out of my chair. I have to stand up. I have to get out of this room. "I'm taking your case. How I deal with Gregory is my business."

"Olivia-"

"I appreciate your honesty."

"Olivia-" Alex whirls me back towards her. "People make mistakes but love forgives them."

"I'm afraid I don't believe in love anymore."

She lets me go, but neither of us believe me. I'm an open wound and she sees right through my facade.

"Yes you do."

As soon as the car door shuts the tears come, but I force them back. I sniff them away until they condense into a pounding headache. I wait until I can trust my voice to be still before I call Carol. I can't deal with Deschanels today. I just want to go home. To look into his eyes and-

I don't think I know. I start the car anyway. I turn down Santa Ana Street. I'll be home in a few minutes. I don't know what I'm going to say. Or even how I'm going to look at him. I just want him to hold me.

His classes aren't until the afternoon and I find him exactly where I expected to. Sitting on the patio with his course notes in one hand and a stack of books at the other. He has coffee, but it's surrounded by croissants, fruit and the remnants of one of Rose's famous omelets. He doesn't see me. He's talking with his hands as he runs through his lecture in his mind.

What would it be like to come home to an empty house? To go to bed without him next to me?

I lean back against the doorway and wait for my stomach to calm. How can I be afraid to face him? He's just one man. I've been in front of the California Supreme Court and I didn't even bat an eyelash.

But I didn't love them. I've never loved anyone the way I love him. Even my children. I couldn't trust them not to leave me. Not the way I trusted Gregory.

But I can't trust him anymore. I can't- I sway, feet as unsteady as my heart. The door creaks as I cling to it for support and Gregory's shocked out of Ancient Europe.

"Olivia?" He points to the chair next to him. "Do you have time for breakfast?"

I try to smile, but relief makes me weaker than anger. "I was hoping you'd be here."

"I'm always here." He pulls but the chair for me, but starts out of his as soon as I slip down the door frame. "But you- you look like hell."

"Must be coming down with something." I explain as his hands close around my arms.

He kisses my forehead, feeling the temperature with his lips. "You're sweating but you don't have a fever. Come here, let me take you in. You shouldn't be out in the sun." He walks me inside, leading me to the sofa.

I should hate him for betraying me. I should throw him out on the street right now.

"Did you eat breakfast sweetheart?" He settles down next to me on the sofa, work forgotten the moment I needed him.

"I had coffee."

Gregory's laughter threatens to put my heart back together. In spite of everything, I'm suddenly glad I came home. "Coffee isn't breakfast Liv." He runs his hand down my arm. "When you feel better I'll make you a real breakfast. Then you can go back to work."

I let my eyes close. "What if I don't feel better?"

"I'll call the school for a substitute." Everything's so simple when Gregory says it. "Although they might not believe me."

"Oh?"

"I've been working there ten years and I've never once asked for a day off to take care of my wife." Gregory chuckles as he reaches for the phone and disappears to the other room.

"I haven't been sick." I realize as he returns to my side. "I haven't been sick in ten years."

He rests his hands on the back of the sofa as he leans down to kiss me. "I still love you."