March 1977

Gregory's too sweet. He talked about the nursery and where we should take the baby on our first vacation. He kissed me this morning on his way to his graduate classes and told me having a baby was better than getting married. "I thought you were everything..." He leaned in close to kiss my cheek. "But you showed me there was more."

I can't think about him now. I have work to do. I straighten in my chair and force my attention back on the legal briefs in front of me. If I don't move maybe the baby will hold still as well. Gregory loves it when she moves. He's convinced it'll be a girl. That somehow she'll look like me. I'm suppose to look like my mother. Will she kill me as I killed my own mother?

Sooner than I'd like to admit, I'll know. I'll go into labor and I'll die. Gregory won't there. He'll be on the other side of some door and the quiet doctor will emerge covered in my blood and tell him I've died. He'll hand him the baby and apologize. What will he see when he looks down at our child? Will he see me in her eyes? Will Gregory forgive me for leaving him? Is his heart bigger than my father's?

I don't even hear the polite knock on my door. Gregory coughs politely and nods to the brass nameplate on my open doorway as he enters. "It looks good. Olivia Richards, junior partner."

"Thank you." I smile softly and watch him sit down across from me. "I'm sorry darling, I didn't hear you."

Gregory settles into the antique leather chair and rocks back to hear the squeak. He grins at me playfully. "You missed dinner."

I stare down at my watch and then into his cheerful smile. "Oh darling, I'm so sorry. I was working on this dn case."

He covers his eyes so he doesn't accidently see any of my briefs. Opening his hands just enough to peer at me with one gentle brown eye, he waits for me to laugh. I would, but I can't. I'm too tired. My back's hurt all day.

Gregory fits in the with wives beautifully. He's charming and sweet, if he was classically beautiful in a straw garden hat he could be a firm wife. I rub at my eyes wondering where the headache is coming from. I close my eyes for a moment and fight the urge to cry for the hundredth time today.

"I'm almost done, I swear."

I have to concentrate on my work. The sooner I finish, the sooner I can go home and as terribly weak as it is, I just want Gregory to hold me. I don't want to fight to keep the smile on my face when people look at me. I just want to disappear. Make my life go back to the way it was before this terrible pregnancy happened.

I immediately feel guilt stab through my stomach. I shouldn't wish the baby away. What if something does happen? How will I feel if I don't die?

His hands rest on my shoulders as the warmth of his hands threatens to chase the stress out of my shoulders. I groan as he digs his hands into the first layer of knotted muscles. "Oh god, darling, don't do that."

Gregory laughs as he kisses my cheek. "I forgot you need your stress to work."

"I have to finish..." He kisses my other cheek and then the the back of my neck. When he moves my hair I groan in pain.

He wraps concerned hands around my shoulders. "You all right?"

I can't help snapping at him. "My neck hurts." It's too harsh. He's never anything but sweet and the last thing he needs is to be yelled at by me. I sigh and reach for his hand to pull it around to kiss it. "I'm sorry darling. It's just that-"

Gregory finishes my rant as he perches on my desk. "Everything hurts. Your ankles, your back, your neck, your knees..." Tilting his head sympathetically he threatens to drag me from my work with that smile. "You don't have to keep working. I've heard that you can get continuances for this kind of thing."

"I'd just rather-"

He finishes for me again, lounging over my paperwork and smiling at me playfully. "Keep working and get everything done."

"Exactly." There's a spasm of pain across my back and I try to hide it as I bite my lip. It worsens and suddenly there's blood in my mouth.

Gregory's the only one who can see through my facade. "I want to take you home."

"I need to finish." I argue, but the pain in my back is excruciating when he helps me to my feet. The hiss of pain means I've lost. I can't stand up and suddenly the tears I've been managing to keep in all day explode from my eyes. "I can't do this, God- how am I supposed to do this?"

His arms close around me, warm and soft. He's the only one who never demands anything more than my love. All he wants me to be is happy. He doesn't care about my work. He doesn't care about my fears. He just wants to hold me and take it all away. Why can't I let him?

June 1997

There's blood on my hands. Blood and death go hand and hand. Bleeding is the last thing you do before dying and there's blood everywhere. Death is cold and dark because bleeding takes all the heat away. Blood always runs hot, stealing life and heat as it goes.

Gregory's hand touches my shoulder and heat blossoms through my body. He smiles at me, shyly, apologetic. "I have to go now." He kisses my cheek and starts to walk away. Alex takes his hand and looks at me sadly. She's almost sympathetic.

As soon as he's gone it starts to get cold. Ice rushes back up to the place he touched leaving my skin numb. like my heart. When did it get so cold? So dark? Alex and Gregory take the light with them as they walk away. They don't even seem to notice that the light's following them away. I don't know how to deal with the darkness. How to fight it when it's all I can see.

I'm shivering when I wake up next to him. The sheets are on the floor in a tangled heap and Gregory's robe's falling open. I don't have anything on under it. It's only clinging to my skin because it's soaked with sweat. The bedroom's dark and still enough for me to hear my desperate breathing. Death's going to be cold. My breath comes as a sob and I have to see if I'm still covered in blood. I can feel it wet and sticky against my skin.

I throw my feet over the side of the bed reach for the lamp with a clumsy hand. It shudders on the nightstand for a moment before tumbling to shatter on the carpet. I run to the bathroom, pulling Gregory's robe around me like a talisman. A symbol of something greater than myself.

I have to get out of here. I can't stay in this room. This is where it happened. Where the blood started. Where the light went out of my life. Where I lived when I should have died. For a second empty eyes stare accusingly up at me from that little face that was never meant to smile. I can feel the blood on my hands again as I reach for the first thing I can find and end up pulling on the sweater Gregory bought me last time he was in Ireland. I don't bother to put anything on under it as I reach desperately for my pants.

I have to get out of this room. I have to get away. I nearly run down the stairs out of my house. My hair's a mess around my shoulders but I'm too flustered to deal with it. I just need to get away from the carpet we had to replace when my blood soaked through it. Away from the hands that were to small to cling to mine and ask me why.

It's cold outside. The wind tears off of the ocean and carries the sharp smell of salt. The sky's a solid mass of black and I can feel the rain in the air. I'm barely across the patio when the rain stops being a threat. At first it's warm, but the drops are so huge they have me soaked by the time I reach the wet sand.

I don't even know where I'm going, I just have to get away. I can't be next to him. Not when he's been with her. My stomach turns in my throat when I imagine him kissing her. His hands on her waist. What does he say when he lies in bed with her?

The ocean crashes in onto the already wet sand. Lightning flashes over my head but all I can hear is the pounding of my heart. Gregory doesn't love me anymore. He wants Alex. He loves Alex. Another crash of lightning flashes over my head, illuminating the waves in a perfect strobe effect. For a second everything stops around me, then it's dark and the thunder rolls over my head.

I haven't cried in years. I don't cry. I don't let myself by that weak, but no one can see me. I'm alone on the beach and the rain hides my tears. from the ocean. How could he do this to me? What does he find in her?

Maybe she can say she loves him without feeling her throat close up. Alex can kiss him without feeling the panic in the pit of her stomach. I can't even feel my feet in the cold, wet sand anymore. I wrap my arms around my chest and sink to the dark sand. I can't do this anymore. I can't-

He sits down next to me and reaches for my numb fingers. Gregory can't speak over the storm, but he still manages to convey his concern. Everything's in his eyes. The softness of his eyebrows when he's worried. He rests his head on my shoulder for a moment before he wraps an arm around me. He drags me to my feet as my teeth start to chatter. He brought something out with him. A blanket, he throws it around me and holds me tight as he walks me towards the house.

He doesn't belong with me. He doesn't love me anymore. He doesn't want me.

The pool's a torrent of it's own, dark and full of waves from the wind and rain. My whole body's shaking as Gregory drags me into the kitchen. He dumps the blanket in a wet corner and looks around quickly. He leaves me there on the tile by the door. I can barely stand up on my own. My feet are numb beneath my ankles. I sink down to the floor before he comes back with towels. Gregory drags me to my feet again as I search for the words to protest.

I can't help remembering the way he cradled me in his arms as we waited for the ambulance. When death was all around me he was the one who came and chased it away. He kept me here when I just wanted it all to stop.

"Stop." I whisper weakly as he strips me of my clothes. i can't let him take care of me. I can't-

"Shhh." Gregory starts with my hair. Pummeling my head gently with the towel even as I can't keep my teeth from clicking together. His lips are blue. I trace them with chill fingers as he pulls me closer. He's still just in his pajamas. Thin, cotton pajamas that let me feel his skin through the wet fabric.

Even through the cold something's stirring between us. He pulls me close as he reaches tentatively for the buttons of my sweater. I search for the reservoir of strength and on my tiptoes I kiss his cold lips. Gregory surprises me by kissing me back. How can he find me attractive anymore?

My fingers are too clumsy to take on the buttons of his pajamas, but he pulls the shirt over his head and steam rises from his chest as he wraps his hands around my waist. No words. His eyes say it all. There's a darkness, for him apology, for me it's guilt. If I had been better-

His hands slid down over my hips and run down the inside of my thighs. I tremble out of more than cold. He wants me. After all's been done and said, he can still want me. There's warmth again as he presses against my body. Feeling rushes back into my lips as he abuses them with his teeth. I moan wordlessly as he shoves me into the wall.

His hands are already threatening to send me over the edge. Gregory sends a wave of heat I had forgotten existed crashing through my head. He shoves me back harder, smoothing wet hair to my head as he kisses my neck. The only parts of my skin that have any feeling are where he's touching me.

Gregory's fingers are as clumsy as my own, and he tears the button from my pants as he drags them down to my ankles. Surprising me into a gasp as he lifts me and turns me around to the counter. I tuck my feet around his waist and his hands bring life to my breasts. He runs hot hands over my stomach before diving the fingers of his left hand between my legs. I cry out in shock. He shouldn't, but he presses me harder, making my breath gasp in my throat.

Gregory settles me around his hips before he lets me crush myself against him. He keeps one hand against me, keeping my heart from slowing as he frees himself from his pajama bottoms with the other hand. He teases first with his fingers, making sure he won't hurt me. He closes his eyes for just a moment before licking his way from the nipple of my breast to my chin.

I force him closer with my legs, needing the pain as he enters me. It's tight and I'm forcing myself to be ready but I can't wait. I can't risk that he won't be there. I shudder preemptively as he slows out of concern for my well-being. It doesn't' matter what Gregory wants, he'll stop if he thinks I'm in pain.

He doesn't understand that pain is necessary. Pain is so much more real than pleasure. Pain stays with me. I tighten again, digging my fingers into his back as I try to find the right angle to tilt my hips. He's still waiting. "Just take me." I whisper harshly into the side of his neck. "Make me yours."

He's never been that way. He doesn't own me the way I need to own him. I bite his shoulder, feeling his skin give way to my teeth. He sighs and grabs he tighter still. His next thrust puts tears in my eyes. Harder, deeper, I don't want to feel anything but him anymore. His lips find the hollow at the base of my neck and remind me that there's more to sex than the final outcome. He's patient. He's waiting for me.

I just want to feel something. Him- I need to feel him. His thumb rolls against me, and it happens entirely against my will. Heat drives away the cold. My lips tingle with orgasm instead of the numbness of the storm. I collapse into his arms, shivering as he holds me against his chest. He stares into my eyes, needing that connection before he can join me. I can barely look at him. I want to turn away, to cry empty on his shoulder, but Gregory demands.

It's the one thing he always demands from me. The only thing I can't give him.