December 1977
Gregory smiles playfully as he balances Caitlin on his hip on the box of Christmas ornaments in the other. She's our little angel. The most beautiful, perfect little cherub we ever could have wished for. He dangles tinsel in her hair and lets her gnaw on the end of a candy cane. He'll be covered with sticky red and white baby drool, but he doesn't seem to mind in the slightest. It's Christmas as he keeps reminding me.
Touching the center of my forehead, I wonder where the headache came from. Probably the same place as the last one. It sends sparks of pain through my eyes as I try to concentrate on my work.
But I can't. Gregory snatches it away tucks it inside my briefcase and slams it shut. "It's Christmas Eve Liv."
I reach for my briefcase, but he hands me Caitlin instead. "There you go Catey, you tell your bah-humbug mommy that just because the courthouse is open the Monday after Christmas. It doesn't mean the world will come to an end if she's not ready to go."
My daughter burbles up at me and smiling chases my headache back for a moment. "Darling-"
"I have so much work to do." Gregory parrots at me through his box of toys. "Not tonight." The doorbell rings through the night. "See- there's Santa Claus, right now." He stuffs my briefcase away under the sofa. "All the way from the South Pole this year because she had to get pictures of the penguins for the cover of National Geographic-"
He throws open the door to reveal Alex in her travel worn brown leather jacket and a red hat with a pompom and glowing white trim balanced on her long blonde hair. Gregory watches her for a moment before scooping her into a tremendous hug. Her feet don't even get a chance to touch the floor as he pulls her inside.
"Oh Gregory-" She gushes warmth and the Christmas cheer I just can't get myself into this year. "You look great. Fatherhood suits you like nothing else. I've never seen you look better."
She's right. Gregory's tuxedo looks perfect. His red bow tie would be a little much on someone else, but it's right for him. He hasn't tied it yet, probably because Caitlin can't wait to get her baby fingers around it.
The headache begs my attention, making it hard to focus on the twinkling lights of the Christmas tree. I can't help wondering if I'm going to faint. Suddenly I'm unbearably dizzy. I didn't have these headaches last time. I turn to put Caitlin down on her pile of blankets in the playpen, but Gregory steals her from my arms. Alex wraps her arms around my waist from behind and surprises me with the ferocity of her hug.
"Don't think I forgot about you mommy."
Mommy? How can she know? I haven't even told Gregory yet.
"You look wonderful Olivia. You really do." Alex kisses my cheek and steers me towards Gregory and my baby. "Thank you for letting me invade your happy little home." She bounces Caitlin's baby fist. "I can't tell you how wonderful it is to be with family on Christmas. Instead of slogging through glaciers looking for penguins!"
Gregory laughs and watches as Caitlin favors Alex with one of her famous smiles. "I'm afraid you can't escape the black and white motif. There's the party."
The party. THE social event of December for the old California money. I have to get ready. I can't wear my robe.
"I'm ready." Gregory twirls around slowly with Caitlin in his arms, as if he was waltzing with her. "Caitlin's ready. Alex only needs a cupful of water and a shiny hubcap and she'll be ready."
Alex winks at him but nods playfully. "I suppose that's fair. I'll just run up to the guest room."
Gregory and I wince together. "Why don't you get ready in our room?" Gregory offers quickly. "My sister had the guest room yesterday and it's still a mess, Arielle has the day off and Olivia and I are terrible at cleaning-"
"Your room it is." Alex grabs my hand and drags me over. "Olivia and I can share, can't we?"
It's hard to resist her smile, or her enthusiasm. I nod and follow her up the stairs. "We'll be right back darling."
Gregory runs up after me and demands a kiss. "You'd better be."
With Alex giggling at me I can't help blushing as we flee up the stairs into the bedroom.
"So where's the little one off to while you escort Gregory to the infamous Richards Christmas Eve bash?" Alex lounges on the bed easily, maddeningly already dressed in her navy blue crushed silk gown that came out of her duffle bag in a ball not less than half an hour ago.
Alex breezed into my bathroom and proceeded to get ready in the time it takes me to force my headache aside enough to face the idea of getting dressed for a party.
She finishes running her fingers through her lazy blonde hair and waits for my reply.
"Caitlin's going to stay with Bette." I answer as I finally find the garment bag with my new gown. The heavy burgundy cloth is going to take a bit more work to get into than Alex's dress. If she weren't so nice to me it was be so easy to hate her. "She has Annie tonight anyway and Annie loves getting to play baby-sitter for Cate."
"Well that's sweet isn't it?" Alex whirls her feet off the bed and helps me with my dress. The room's still a little unsteady. Maybe Gregory was right when he mentioned me looking a little pale. I'm surprised he hasn't confronted me yet.
She lays it out on the bed and whistles in appreciation. "Never let it be said that your husband can't pick out a beautiful dress."
I struggle with the buttons of my blouse and then drop it in a heap on the floor. I head for my dresser and the top drawer for my strapless bra. I did through the lingerie, making of mess of the neat piles in my hurry. Then the shivering hits me. It's not cold in my bedroom. It's winter in California and Gregory turned the heat on in the beginning of December for the baby but I can't stop myself.
Third time today.
"You're shaking." Alex notices before I can do anything about it. She rips the blanket from the top of my bed and wraps it around my shoulders. She rubs my arms through it, as gently concerned as a mother hen. "Here sit down and warm up for a second."
She doesn't mention that it's not even cold in the room. Her strappy, nearly backless dress seems to be keeping her warm just fine.
"I don't know what's wrong with me." I'm lucky it's her up here with me and not Gregory. He'd never let me go to the party if he knew. "One minute I'm fine and the next I'm freezing."
"You don't have a fever." Alex points out as she runs strong fingers through my hair. When I can't come up with anything to say she circles around behind me and combs out my hair with her fingers. "Here, I'll do your hair now while you warm up. That way you won't be late for the in-laws." She slides me down the bench closer to my mirror and fishes my hairbrush off of the dresser.
"Wouldn't want to get you in trouble with King Patrick and the good Queen Caroline." Alex hums just like Gregory when her hands are busy. "Although, I think they love Caitlin enough that if you showed up just the way you are, they'd find a way to forgive you."
"Probably." I have to try to force my jaw to relax and stop the chattering of my teeth. I should tell her. Confess to her and let her help me decide if I should break the news at the party. I can imagine watching Gregory's face light up in front of the party when I tell him. I close my eyes and take a deep breath. Alex starts to pin up my hair.
"Can I tell you something?"
Alex grins sagely and nods to me. "Of course you can. If you want too. I know you're not big on sharing your secrets-"
I reach up and grab her hand. I pull it down to my shoulder. "You know Gregory-"
"I do in fact." Winking at me, Alex settles down on the bench next to me. "I've known him since he was the quiet little boy curled up in the corner at nursery school. The one who couldn't wait for story time." She pats my hands and straightens the blanket around my shoulders. "We used to sit together at lunch and he'd tell me all about the fairy tales his nanny was reading him. About knights and princesses-"
She reaches out and takes the black velvet box that holds my tiara for tonight. Alex removes it and tucks it into my hair. "He said he wanted to be a squire, so he could go along on all adventures without having to worry about the dragons. He used to have nightmares about dragons, back then. God- we must have been six or seven-"
She arranges the curls of my hair around the tiara. "I told him I'd be his knight because I wasn't afraid of dragons, and that someday, when we found the princess he could have her because I didn't really want one."
Alex picks up my foundation and starts to do my makeup, as if she were my mother. What would my mother think of me? Would she tell me how beautiful I look?
"You're paler than you were when you bought this." Alex points out as she sets it aside. Taking a tissue she evens it out as best she can. "Too much time in the office?"
"Alex- I'm pregnant."
She sets the little glass bottle down on the dresser and takes my hands. Her eyes glisten in the light from my lamp and I close mine. "I've been waiting for the right moment to tell Gregory- I know it's a little soon after Caitlin, but we're so happy. With her in our lives-"
"Honey..." Alex flattens me to her chest, lets me go long enough to look at my face, and hugs me again. "Oh honey that's so wonderful." She rubs her hands over my back and when we pull apart there are tears in her eyes.
What is it like to watch your best friend build something you can never have? How would I feel in her shoes, listening to her tell me that she was carrying Gregory's baby?
She rests a hand over my stomach and addresses it fondly as the her tears start to sneak down her face. "Hello sweetheart. You're going to have the most wonderful family. Your mom's so smart and your daddy's just the sweetest man to ever live. Your sister's going to be beautiful and smart like your mom too, I just know it."
Mascara leaves dark stains under her eyes and Alex wipes at them with a tissue. "You should have told me before I put on my makeup."
I laugh slightly, holding her hand tight against my stomach. This baby's going to be different. No terror. No doubts, no lying to Gregory and giving birth in the office. This baby's going to fine.
"I'm sorry." My hands would shake if I let go of her. "I wasn't going to it just-"
"It's all right. Honey, I couldn't be happier for you and Gregory. You should have as many wonderful little babies as you can and just surround them in love." She finishes cleaning herself up and picks up the eyeliner pencil. "I'll finish you up and see what I can salvage from myself."
I could take the pencil and do it myself, but it's nice to have someone take care of me. Comforting even. "I'm going to tell him at midnight. The very first thing he'll get for Christmas-"
"Poor boy's not even going to be able to look at presents." Alex warns as she turns my face to get a better angle. "He's going to make a big announcement that would embarrass the hell out of him if he wasn't so excited and dance with you until morning."
"When he'll feel awful for keeping me up."
Alex picks up the lipstick. "Exactly."
June 1997
Gregory's fingers dig into the back of my neck like iron. Pain shoots up the back of my head and melds into my headache. It's just another tension headache. The most recent in the never ending string of them. Ever since Alex came back and started sleeping with my husband life is different.
"I assigned their last paper today." Gregory works his way down into my shoulders. "Something from the nineteenth century. Anything they want. Probably should have made it a little less vague, but I'm try to let them spread their wings a little. Besides, no college professor is going to hold their hands. It'll be good practice."
I should answer him but the pain in my head pulses hard enough to white out the edges of my vision.
"So I'm afraid I'll be locked in the library next weekend trying to get them all graded." His thumbs dig into the toughened muscles along my spine. "I think I'll have to find breaks to work on you. Sweetheart, you're a mess." He kisses the back of my neck and I shiver even as his hands warm my skin through my blouse.
Looking around clandestinely for our children, he decides we're safe and undoes the buttons over my chest. The roughness of his palms is nearly heavenly against my bare skin. He spends a few minutes on the knots in my back before he returns to my neck. With his hands there I feel nearly human again. My blouse slides off the leather sofa onto the floor. He tangles his fingers once in the straps of my bra before getting fed up with it. It comes free with a neat twist and he's gentle as he gets it off my shoulders.
I pull the blanket from the corner of the sofa up against my chest, covering my breasts and trying keep myself warm. The skin of my back is warm beneath the friction of his touch.
"Is Alex's trial difficult for you?"
"Murder?" I sigh painfully as he teases a knotted muscles back into smooth compliance. "Ow-"
"Shhh..." His lips are moist on the tiny hairs of my neck. "Tell me about the trial. Pain is fleeting remember?"
"Ow-" I cover my mouth and bite down on the flesh of my thumb. "God-"
"He's busy at the moment." Gregory teases sweetly. "He must be the one making all of these knots."
He finds the spot at the base of my neck that sends sparks across my eyes. I swallow the nausea that comes with it. "That might be enough-"
Gregory slides up the sofa and pulls me back against his chest. The air conditioning's off, it's a beautiful summer evening, but if he wasn't holding me I'd be freezing. He pulls the blanket up to my chin.
"It's all right Liv." He nestles my head against his shoulder. "I'm sure you'll work miracles for Alex."
Like I give a damn about what happens to Alex. I close my eyes and let myself fade into the smell of his aftershave. If sending her to prison would really get her out of Gregory's mind, I'd let her go. Picturing her in an orange prison jumpsuit is calming but she's innocent. Not that a lack of guilt is enough to keep her out of prison. I'm the only thing standing between her and the rest of her life behind bars.
Shivering runs through my body again. Gregory's hand moves up to my lips and he feels the movement in my chin.
"Are you still cold?" Gregory pulls me in tighter, wrapping his arms around my chest to help. "It's summer in California-"
"And I'm cold." I sigh heavily and shake my head. "I don't know what's going on with me."
Releasing me for a moment, he pulls his polo shirt over his head and cradles me to his naked chest. The warmth of his body helps. There's a certain playful, naughty aspect to it. Sitting here in the middle of our living room, half-naked and wrapped up in him. His lips tease their way up to my ear.
"Liv-" He folds my hands under his arms. "Olivia, do you think you might be pregnant? I know it's something we haven't talked about-"
Oh my god.
"Not since Sean was born, but I remember you standing in the shower until the hot water ran out and then crawling back into bed with me to warm up." Gregory runs his hand over my head, as if I were a little girl. "And if I remember correctly, it was you who took out the winter blankets last night."
"Being cold doesn't make me..." I can't even finish the thought. What if he's right?
"No no, you could be cold because you've lost a little weight-"
"You noticed that?" Silly question to even ask. He notices everything I do. What nightgown I wear to bed when I'm tired, and what I wear when I'm anything but.
One hand runs over my ribs, reminding me how close they are to the surface right now. I've had such trouble eating. Nothing, not even Rose's best efforts seem to have any taste to them.
"I just haven't had much of an appetite darling."
His arms stay under the blanket, warm and solid against my chest. He sighs and the tip of his nose runs up behind my ear.
"It's not like you." Gregory points out with that quiet assurance that so often surprises me. "Skipping a meal is just so-"
"Easy." I don't think I even meant to say it but he heard it.
"I know my opinion doesn't count for much in this marriage-" He's so calm about it, so beaten back after twenty years of living in my shadow. It doesn't even seem to bother him anymore. How can I deserve that? "But maybe these little cold spells of yours are a warning. Time to slow down, spend some time with your children, with me-"
"Oh darling." Even with his arms around me it's difficult to keep from shivering. "It's not that I don't want to be with you. What do you think runs through my head all day at the office?"
"Trial notes?" Gregory's teasing, but it's the chance that he's not that hurts. Pain is such a strange emotion. The mixture of guilt and the shame of not being closer to my family. Not being the one to children come to when they have a problem. Not being the one who tended scraped knees and midnight stomach aches.
"Don't be silly." Rubbing my hands together can't warm them up. He folds them within his. Reminding me how it feels to be small and vulnerable in someone else's grasp. "I think about you. I used to catch myself slipping your name into my briefs." I turn enough in his arms to look out across our living room towards the study. "Really darling, I'd go over my trial notes and whenever I got distracted, right there in the margin would be your name. Sneaking into whatever it was that I was trying to do."
He moves and suddenly his lips are pressed against mine. In the blissful space of parting, he cups my cheek. "That's the sweetest thing you've ever said to me."
Smiling weakly, I find his wrist and turn it to look at his watch. It's only two. "When do the kids get back from class?"
Gregory pulls the information from the list in his mind. "Caitlin gets out of macro-economics at three and she waits for Sean to get done with psychology at quarter to four. Lately the both of them have been meeting that new boy of Cate's, the young man who came west from Kansas. She's been helping him get ready for graduate school in agriculture."
"Agriculture?" I make a face, but he nods simply.
"Caitlin likes him. He's a sweet, simple young man."
Catching the back of his head, I pull him in and kiss him as hard as I can. Gregory's eyes open wide with shock, but after a moment he returns my enthusiasm. Panting slightly as he pulls away, there's a laugh in his voice.
"What was that for?"
"Being the sweetest, simple young man, I've ever known and still managing to be exactly what I need. "
He laughs and shakes his head as he rearranges the blanket around me. "You should be careful, it doesn't take much of a compliment to go to this simple schoolteacher's head."
"Make love to me." The direct approach is always the best with him. I reach down to his belt and start undoing it with quick fingers.
"Now?" He pulls his hands back and watches me with quiet concern. "But you're-"
"Fine." I rip his belt free and dump it on the floor with my blouse. "And you're the one that started this little striptease when you took off my blouse."
"It was getting in the way." Gregory tries to explain, but he's never been able to hold out for long. "I don't want to hurt you. If you're not feeling well-"
"I'd feel better if you shut up and kiss me." I insist as I stand up and strip off my own pants. "I will call the doctor as soon as we're done. I'll get a late appointment, I'll do anything you want, just make love to me." I swallow the end of my thought. Going to the doctor terrifies me nearly as much as being pregnant again.
He grabs my hips and smiles appreciatively as he caresses the pale blue silk of my panties. "Anything I want?"
"All I want-" I drop to my knees on the floor. My skin erupt into goosebumps in the chill, but I don't care. i just want him to keep touching me.
His hands run up my chest to cup my breasts. He's not going to be able to say no now. Not when he can feel how much I want him.
Gregory throws off the blanket and pulls me up back onto the sofa. He's always lifting me from myself. Raising me up, wether he believes it or not. He rolls me over, tucking me between him and the warm leather of the sofa. "What do you want?"
His leg slides down the side of mine as he brushes my hair out over the cushion of the sofa. "Really?"
"Really?" I echo as I rock my hips against him and wish he could take me without all of this talking. Without the soul searching that frightens me so. "You. You make me feel safe."
"Why would a high powered- high society- talented- brilliant- beautiful woman like you need me to feel safe?" Gregory should give himself more credit for his observations. He sees right through me. Except for that last little bit I keep so close to my chest. The part of me I can't show anyone. Not even him.
His fingers roam inside my hips, sliding down and in. His eyes widen as I moan as soon as he touches me. It's not going to be long today. He could send me over the edge in a few touches of his hands but he knows how to make me wait. Stripping my panties down over my hips, he abandons me there and runs his hands back up to my chest. Perhaps he's just going to hold me tight against his chest and explore my mouth. I push against him hard enough to draw a groan.
"Please-" I beg him as I tighten my legs around his waist.
He crushes my lips as he kisses me again. "What's the rush?" One hand teases up my stomach to trace the bottom curve of my breast. "You're always in such a hurry." Trailing down my neck, he follows his hand with his mouth. It's not enough to nibble on one breast, so he moves to the other and toys with the sensitive skin around my nipple.
"It'll be hours before our children are home..." He purrs in his throat as he licks down the center of my stomach. "It's plenty of time." He's in no mood to stop. Gregory heads down to my hips, working down between my legs. He explores my thigh with his lips before taking hold of me with both hands around my hips. He can't be serious, but his tongue insists he is. The shudder crawl up my spine and I give in. Breathing faster just makes him more infuriating.
He has all the time in the world as he traces lazily around my clit. I twist, trying to get closer, but he holds me down. Fingers digging into the flesh of my thighs in the way that makes it even harder to hold still. He's stronger than he admits to being. I dig my hand into his hair and clench the fingers of the other tight into the blanket. He knows how hard this is for me. How terrifying it is to have my world shut down into the sensation of him and only him.
No amount of pleading will stop him. When I try to sit up he shoves me back roughly and punishes me with the nip of his teeth. The scream dies in my throat and he calls it up again when his hands find their way inside. He knows what he's doing and that's almost the worst part. He can work me into a frenzy and leave me entirely without recourse. I squirm and my back gets tight as he increases his rhythm.
Thank god the house is empty. the children wouldn't believe us. No parents are supposed to behave this way. The goosebumps are finally gone and sweat's starting to break out all over my body. my skin's damp as my hand slips from his head.
For a single moment of hell, he stops. The sudden lack of sensation hurts. He knows I'm close and he wants to look at me. Breath shudders. His fingers are still. He waits just long enough to let me feel the buzzing start to fade. Then he's back. He starts with his fingers, waiting, listening to the desperation in my voice. Then he takes me over. Pulling all of me into the warm softness of his mouth. How can I feel anything else? My head won't let me. Heat explodes through me, washing up into my head.
Screaming his name would be appropriate, but I can't form the word. I can't think. The most dangerous state of being. He's not going to let me be. He drives farther, pushing me beyond my limit. I reach down to push him away, desperate to get myself back. The screaming runs away with me, tearing my throat. He just waits, feeling my convulse under his hands and fianlly, desperately pull away from his mouth.
For a moment we're both still. He runs his hands gently over the shaking flesh of my stomach. I don't even know if I remember how to breath. He closes my legs and crawls up next to me. Wrapping his arms around me as he pulls up the blanket. I can smell my sweat on his neck but I'm finally, blissfully warm.
"Better?" He wonders playfully, knowing I don't have the breath to answer him. I turn over, forcing myself together enough to kiss him.
"I love you."
His eyes melt. How long has it been since that admission slipped from my lips without his prompting? "You really must be feeling strangely." His hands keep busy on my arm, always concerned for my welfare.
"I feel wonderful." I close my eyes and concentrate on feeling his warmth. His love. I should trust him. If there's anyone in the world I can trust, I would have to start with him. "Wonderful enough to do this-"
My tongue runs over the inside of his lips. He tastes salty, the strangeness I recognize as myself. Gregory's patient as I try to convince my body to open up to him. I'm still shaking but I want him. I want to be filled with him and he deserves to find his own release. My body's still stinging, but having him is more important. He's being too patient. Too gentle, finally I force him into me. I'm too sensitive for it not to hurt, but pain is living. Pain is real. He thrusts and my body resists. It's almost too much.
But this is for him. I could curl up in his arms and let go, but this is better. His teeth are in my shoulder. I dig my fingers into his back, feeling the smooth skin give way under my fingers. I force my tongue past his lips and let my pain free into the silence of his mouth. How can he know why I'm moaning?
His strength forces me deeper into the sofa, the leather and the blanket bunched around my chest are both damp with sweat. When he pushes harder I clench my teeth against the urge to cry out. I can't cry out. I have to let him finish. Faster, harder and his head rests against my chest. He crushes my breast in his mouth and stops. He finds his release, jolting as the orgasm shocks him.
His sweat is so much sweeter than my own. I can feel it bead up on my hands as I reach for his hair. It's so much more fun when it's loose and falling into his eyes.
"You're beautiful." He kisses my cheek, then my nose, and finally travels in a circle across my forehead. "Especially now that there's a little color in your face."
"Maybe I just needed a little exercise."
Gregory wipes sweat from his forehead and lets it fall to the floor from his fingers. "You certainly gave me that." He sprawls next to me, putting me between him and the back of the sofa. He drapes his arm across my shoulder and kisses me again. "Still only three."
I let my eyes close and listen to him set the alarm on his watch. He shouldn't bother, he doesn't nap. He'll just lie there and watch me sleep.
I shouldn't speed. There's always a squad around the entrance to our neighborhood. I drop the convertible into second gear and the engine whines around the curve to Ocean Avenue. Our house is just ahead. Alex's car is in the driveway. I pull past her and tuck my car into the garage. It's funny. Alex always knows I'm pregnant nearly the moment after Gregory does. Once I even told her first-
I fumble with keys to the door, too excited to get around it. I end up going through the garage, walking into the living room. I stop just before they can see me. I want to run to Gregory and tell him he was right. To put his hands on my stomach and let him take over. Let him worry and protect and fuss like he loves to do.
Alex's voice stops me. She didn't say it. She couldn't-
"I don't want to tell you but you're my best friend., I've always been honest with you." Alex shudders and I hear the rustling of clothes as she stands up. "I don't want anything from you. I don't want you to say anything. I have an editor in Minneapolis who's ready to take responsibility. He'll say it's his baby. A one night stand. He's always been a good friend of mine."
"Alex-"
"Let me finish." She begs softly. "I couldn't be happier. I've never had a child and I love you. I love that this is your baby-"
I drop my car keys, but the carpet eats the noise. I drop to my knees next to them, covering my mouth to keep my shock to myself. Alex and I have shared my children. She's always been here for Gregory and I. I could nearly forgive her for Gregory. But this. This is unforgiveable.