Fic #10, chapter 9

Monday morning brought preparations for surgery. Justin was all smiles when the nurses sedated him. Brian smiled back, and continued to keep the mood optimistically light, but he was worried. He could not put his finger on why he was worried, something did not sit well in his mind. Everyone involved in the morning's procedure seemed to be approaching it with the same outlook Justin had. He did not want to quell their enthusiasm or hope for what was to come. So he sat on Justin's bedside until he was completely asleep. They held hands and Brian felt panic. Justin would never suspect any of it though, he kept it well hidden.

He came to the conclusion that the fear of losing his partner drove his panic. He almost lost Justin two other times. Everyone seemed to take today's procedure as incidental, just a small step towards recovery. Brian only saw another opportunity to lose Justin. But he smiled, he remained light, he lied, he did it all for Justin.

Justin spoke of 'getting out of Dodge' and going home. He wanted to try his hand at the first of the four murals he had been commissioned to do. He had several ideas brewing, powerful ones just formed in his mind now that he could devote time to their creation. He was rattling off a list of supplies to Brian when he fell asleep.

When he woke up he felt refreshed. His mind went back to the list he was telling Brian about as he mentally added more items he would need. He looked around the room and was confused by what he saw. Brian was not there. He had told Justin he would see him when he woke up, but here he was awake, and Brian was nowhere around. Justin thought that maybe Brian had stepped out to have a smoke or call some family.

The next curious thing he noticed was that the room was very different. It seemed to be almost an apartment with carpeting and furniture, nothing like the room he was in at Memorial. 'This can't be recovery' Justin thought to himself. It was this last bit that got him worrying. With tremendous effort he lifted the blanket to take a look at his 'halo-less' legs. He quickly noticed that not only were the halos gone, but all signs of pin marks and halo brackets on his legs were healed over.

"That doesn't make any sense." Justin said out loud. He began to panic and his voice got louder as he said again, "That doesn't make any sense."

He looked at the room more intensely now. The only medical equipment he could see was the IV attached to his arm and the catheter sticking out of him connected to what he assumed was a bag on the side of the bed. There was a couch and recliner in the room as well as a table with four chairs.

"What the fuck is going on? What happened?" Justin was screaming now. Within seconds a woman he did not recognize came running into the room.

"Whoa, Mr. Taylor, take it easy, slow down. Everything is okay." She approached the bed slowly while she spoke. She was not dressed like a nurse, more like a teacher with comfortable shoes, a turtleneck sweater, and khaki pants. She opened the top drawer of the bedside table and produced several medically related items. She checked his heart rate and pupils while she spoke.

"Mr. Taylor, my name is Amy Weimer. I'm a therapist here. You are at Memorial's step down unit. Can you talk to me a little? What's the last thing you remember? Can you tell me how you're feeling right now Mr. Taylor?"

Justin tried to speak but let out a dry cough instead. After several botched attempts he was able to begin. His throat was dry and sore, his voice sounded unfamiliar to him, now that he was not screaming. "Can I have a drink, my throat really hurts."

Amy produced a glass of water with a straw, Justin drank it all and started again.

"How the hell did I get here? The last thing I remember is telling Brian about the art supplies I needed. Where the hell is he? I don't recognize this place at all. Why am I here? What's wrong?"

"Mr. Taylor, there was an incident with your halo removal. You had a reaction to the anesthesia and did not regain consciousness when the procedure was complete. Dr. Lebowitz had you moved here when the unit became available to secure your placement for long term therapy when you woke up."

"How long," was all Justin said. He looked at this new face with a mixture of panic and anger. He'd fucked up his recovery, made it worse on everyone again, caused them more worry, delayed life getting back to normal. He practically yelled the question again, "How long?"

"Mr. Taylor, you've been unresponsive for 28 days. It's now November 15th."

Justin's eyes began to roll up into his head, he was passing out, it was too much.

"Mr. Taylor, Mr. Taylor" Amy yelled as she shook his shoulder. "Justin, Justin, don't you dare go back to sleep. Brian's been waiting on you. Stay awake Justin, stay awake to talk with him." It did the trick. Justin's eyes came back into focus and he blinked.

His voice was small when he asked, "Where is he?"

"He said something about having to get the WV house ready for Thanksgiving. He left this morning. He's been by your side every day. He goes to work or works from here." Justin now noticed the work space Brian created at a small desk in the far corner of the apartment. "Someone from your rather large family is here everyday with you. In fact I expect your Mom to be here any moment. Stay with us Justin, everyone will be so happy to see that you've decided to join us again."

Justin was quiet as the woman wrote a few things down on the chart she produced from the same drawer as the medical tools. She finished and sat down in the chair near his bed. "Would you like to call him? I know he would love to hear you, not me, tell him this good news."

Justin only nodded. Amy produced a phone and punched in the numbers she read from the chart. She handed the phone to Justin, and with her hand cradling his, helped him hold the phone to his ear.

Brian picked up on the fourth ring, "What is it, what happened?"

"Brian, could you come back here? I need you."

Brian cut him off with an angry retort, "Holy shit, this is not funny, who the fuck is doing this?"

"Brian, it's me, Justin." he had to stop momentarily to cough but then continued, "Really, it's me, it's all fucked here. Get here." Justin moved the phone away from his ear and towards Amy. He looked towards the window as tears slipped down his cheeks. She took it from him and spoke briefly to Brian. When she hung up she turned to Justin with a smile.

"Justin, he'll be here in about an hour. He was running down to the car as we spoke."

Justin smiled and closed his eyes.

"Justin, stay awake for awhile, okay?" Amy moved to open the curtains more and let is the strong afternoon sun. "Your Mom should be here any time. Until then, I can answer any questions you have or just sit with you."

"Amy, is it? Tell me, how does this step down facility work? I expected to be awake before I moved here. I'm at a real loss as to what goes on here. And can I get something more to drink, my throat is so dry and I'm really thirsty?"

"There's some ginger ale, that's the strongest thing I can give you right now." She pulled a can from the refrigerator and poured some in a cup. She held it to his lips, and took notice of the slight tremor in his hands. "The facility is meant to feel something like a home. Each unit is its own apartment, family can stay if needed, and patients can practice life skills right here. You are assigned two therapists full time, I'm one, the other is Ken Redding. We alternate days with you while duty nurses cover nights. You will still have OT and PT with the therapists you saw at the hospital, but you will also have sessions with us. Most patients stay here an average of four to six weeks. You've already been here three weeks, but other than range of motion exercises, your program has not really begun."

While she spoke, Justin looked around the room. Only now did he see the bits of his life and Brian's in the room. His IPOD was on the bedside stand. Brian's x-box (an obsession he would never admit he had) was hooked up to the TV. There was a bowl of green apples on the table in the kitchen area, and pieces of Brian's clothes were in various spots throughout the entire space. Brian really was living here with him. Living with him the whole time he had been sleeping. He realized that the bed he was on was larger than the hospital bed, and it was his own bed pillows and Brian's Egyptian cotton sheets on it. He smiled.

"OH MY GOD, JUSTIN!" His mother had arrived.

She ran to his bed with tears in her eyes and a smile on her lips. She slowed down her movements as she came near, laying a hand on his arm and kissing his forehead. For a moment, Justin was a child again, being comforted by this woman with her never ending supply of affection and concern for him.

He started to cry, large body heaving sobs, "What have I done Mom? I fucked it all up again. Christ, can I get a break? I'm so sick of all of this, this institutional life, this broken body, this hyper-allergic system of mine. It has to stop soon Mom, I can't keep doing this. Shit! And I can't keep expecting all of you to drop your lives to help me limp along with mine. Fuck!" The last two obscenities were emphasized by Justin's effort to slam his hands on the bed. He was not successful in his attempt, but he did draw attention to them. They were both shaking now, and not from any controlled effort on his part.

"Justin, settle down. Don't make any of this worse than it already is. You've had a setback, but move on. Honey, you can't keep knocking yourself, it's not you." Jennifer had to stop to wipe her eyes and blow her nose. She smiled a tight smile and did the same for Justin. She held his shaking hands and rubbed his arms as she continued, "Blame me, isn't that how it should work? They always blame the mother. I smoked pot when I was pregnant with you. I drank wine too. Hell it's incredible the only big issue you have in life is being gay, with all the damage I could have caused you." She was smiling through her tears, as was Justin. She leaned over to embrace him. She held on for a long time. She did not want to let go.

This was her son hurting. The man who had fought ever obstacle that was laid at his feet, the one with all the strength of will and character. The child who amazed her with every twist his life took. He had floored her and Craig when he came out in high school. Taken on an older partner, who didn't even realize he wanted Justin as a partner at the time, and stuck with him. He had recovered from a near fatal blow to the head only to amaze everyone with his determination to succeed as an independent artist. He had made a successful life doing what he loves, he could easily support himself with the few choice projects he took on every year. As it was, he and Brian had created a comfortable life together. And their life included not only themselves, but all of this extended family as well. He amazed her everyday, and she did not want to see him stay in this frame of mind for long.

She pulled back from the embrace and smiled down at him. He sniffed and smiled back, it was small, but it would do. "I'll take that lame smile for now Justin, but don't worry too much, you're back and things will only get better."

"Yea okay Mom, thanks, I needed to fall apart for a minute. This is so overwhelming. I have to put all the aspects of this Greek tragedy into little boxes, so I don't get flooded with the whole picture at one time. Thanks for listening."

Jennifer continued to rub his arms, "Well, if you put it that way, it is a whole lot easier: first box - start real PT and get your strength back, second box - concentrate on OT to get some fine control, third box - eat to get your physical strength and strength of mind back, fourth box - start creating again, and fifth box - get home and go on living. It's that simple Justin, tackle this like everything else, only this time you don't have to tackle other people's ignorance you just have to improve your already fantastic spirit. Don't mind me, I'm a little bias, I'm your mother."

The two of them stayed connected on Justin's bed. Jennifer slipped off her shoes to sit beside him on the bed, and Justin moved towards her, so he could feel her hands on him. Throughout the entire conversation Amy stayed quiet in her chair. She had stayed in case Justin's outburst ended with aggression, but now that she could see it wouldn't so she got up to leave.

"Amy, thank you. Thank you for being here for Justin when he woke up. Thank you for keeping him awake and calm for us. Thank you." Jennifer smiled and looked from her son to the therapist. Justin nodded his agreement.

"No problem Jennifer, I'm glad he's with us in spirit as well as body now. But now, I have to get back to my other patient. Please continue to give him drinks and ice. When Dr. Lebowitz checks on you later I assume he'll get rid of the IV and catheter then order solid food for your dinner, Justin. Don't forget, we are only outside the units a few feet, so call if you need anything. Again, glad to have you back Justin." Amy put all the instruments and charts back in the drawer and left.

The two were alone for another thirty minutes before Brian arrived. Part of Jennifer was glad that she had Justin all to herself. He was a grown 30 year old man, with a family and life of his own, but even so she wanted to comfort him. He seemed to need it right now, and she was more than happy to accommodate his wishes. They sat quietly, with Jennifer rubbing his head, much the same as she had when he was a child. And Justin allowed it to happen, deep down, his psyche needed to feel comfort. He needed to feel like he could do this, make himself better, tackle this like everything else, and grow stronger from it. But for now, he wanted to feel safe, and until Brian arrived, his Mom was the one person who could make him feel that way.