Episode: 3 (part 2)
"Lost"
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
On Saturday afternoon, the upstairs bathroom of the Suzuhara home is awash in the aroma of cheap cologne and sheer terror. Mostly, the former is emanating from Toji Suzuhara, while Shinji Ikari is secreting the majority of the latter. Along with Kaagi Chuda, they inexpertly primp and preen in the claustrophobic surroundings.
"When was Misato dropping off the girls, again?" asks Toji as he scrutinizes his face, mere inches from the mirror.
"I just called a few minutes ago," says Kaagi, nervously combing his hair for the fifth time. "They said they were on their way… probably just about to head out the door."
"Didn't they say the same thing when you called half-an-hour ago?" replies Toji. Kaagi frowns disapprovingly at Toji's skepticism.
"Well… yes," he concedes, combing his hair again.
Several minutes later, they hear Misato's car-horn honking outside. Heedless of each other's safety, they dash madly out of the bathroom, down the stairs, and through the front door. The instant they blast out of the house, however, their pace transforms into a leisurely stroll, in order to hide their eagerness from the girls. Of course, they'd have had an easier time hiding an Eva in a shot glass.
Misato's car waits in the street with its motor running, belching exhaust. If one ignores the odor, the smoke makes the emergence of the girls from the passenger-side door seem almost ethereal.
Rei steps out first, clad in a tight, black skirt that comes to just below her knees. On top, she wears a sky-blue, sleeveless turtleneck. She wobbles a bit in the heels she's wearing, but four days of diligent practice allow her to carry herself with elegance. Hikari follows Rei out, wearing a dress that's yellow and airy. Both boys who live with Asuka know that it's one of hers, but Hikari is here for neither of them. Her hair is pulled back into one long braid, because she thought it would make her look more grown-up than her normal ponytails. Asuka herself exits the car last. She's wearing the white, floral-print dress that she'd meant to debut at Toji's party two weeks ago. It hadn't grabbed Shinji's attention that morning, but it does today, since he's under the mistaken impression that she's here for him.
Shinji tries to swallow his anxiety, but his mouth is too dry to swallow anything. The girls walk up as Misato's car speeds away, with Hikari smiling broadly, Asuka smiling demurely, and Rei smiling not at all, as usual. Rei looks almost business-like in her demeanor and apparel. She courteously but stiffly takes Kaagi's arm as he offers it to her, while Asuka, in contrast, drapes herself across Shinji's back.
Oh my God, he realizes as she presses against him, I don't think she's wearing a bra…!
Come on, Kaagi, Asuka thinks, look at me! I'm not some frigid little tease like your date. There's no way you can prefer that to me!
Soon, the three couples leave Toji's yard, making their way to an old revival movie theatre not far away. Kaagi had arranged for the owner to play a particular feature this afternoon, and then had planned dinner, followed by a trip to a video arcade.
On the way, Rei and Kaagi walk arm in arm, Hikari and Toji walk close, but not touching, while Shinji practically has to drag Asuka, who's still adorning him like a shawl. All the while, he savors the smell of her hair, the warmth of her body, and the softness of her skin that accidentally brushes against his. It's like he's living in his wildest fantasy, where Asuka is his girlfriend, but it's all real. And it's certainly too good to dare question, so he doesn't.
When they enter in the darkened theatre, Asuka makes a point of waiting until Rei and Kaagi sit down so she can take the seat directly next to him. On her other side, Shinji boldly reaches over to search for her hand on their common armrest, but it's not there. Asuka's facing away from him, leaning with both arms on the armrest she shares with Kaagi.
"I can move, if you're not comfortable," Kaagi tells Asuka politely.
She just bats her eyes at him, smiling, until he leaves the seat and moves to the other side of Rei, on the aisle. Discouraged, Asuka turns to face the screen. Shinji doesn't dare try to hold either of her hands again, for he would have to delve into her lap to get them. Sullenly, he too resigns himself to only watching the movie.
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
The valets on duty outside the Bistro hear it before they see it. Thus, they have ample time to seek cover. A blue hatch-back squeals past them, spinning effortlessly into an empty parking space. The lot attendants stare as a pair of long legs ease smoothly out of the driver's seat. Misato Katsuragi stands, adjusts her dangerously tiny skirt, then strolls confidently past them and into the restaurant. A glance in one of the mirrors lining the walls reaffirms what she already knew.
I am hot! she thinks. The restaurant's host appears to agree, unable to keep his eyes off the cross around her neck or whatever else may be in the vicinity of her plunging neckline. She flashes him a blinding smile, and he blushes despite himself.
"I'm meeting someone here," she says. "A Dr. Kaiu?"
I should have known, he thinks, the pretty ones always date doctors…. Grabbing a menu, he points to a private dining area off to the side, then graciously gestures for her to go first. Misato leads the way, much to his delight at being treated to a view from behind her.
After a few more steps, she becomes oriented to where she can see inside the private area. What she sees stops her cold, causing the host to accidentally bump into her. He decides that he can now die happy, while a red-faced Misato ducks behind the nearest support column.
"Is something wrong, Miss?" asks the host. In the room she is now hiding from, Misato had seen Yoshi sure enough… and Hyuga and Aoba and Maya and even Fuyutsuki, along with a handful of other people she didn't recognize off-hand. Dr. Nishizono was probably there too, because that would be her luck.
"I thought it was just going to be the two of us!" she finds herself confiding in the host. He just nods respectfully, hands her the menu, and goes.
While furiously trying to figure out what to do, Misato notices someone waving at her from across the room. A man wearing glasses, sitting in a private dining area directly opposite the one she's hiding from, seems to be beckoning her over. Upon closer inspection, she realizes that she's looking in a mirror. Hyuga, and now everyone else, has seen her and they expect her to join them.
"I'm glad you could make it to Dr. Kaiu's meet-and-greet," says Hyuga as she sits in the chair he'd saved for her. She flushes with embarrassment as the assembled staff observe her attire with arched eyebrows. She tries to tuck a napkin into the top of her blouse, but it's so low-cut she may as well have put it in her lap.
Misato decides to spend the rest of the dinner hiding behind her menu, and the waitress who tries to take it later nearly loses an arm for her trouble.
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
"So… nobody liked the movie?" asks an exasperated Kaagi. Too late, he wonders if it was a bad idea to take them to see an old American movie. He thought the dub was decent, though.
"I liked that one guy," Toji comments. "The part where he taped some guy's butt together; they should have shown that."
"I don't understand why the red-haired girl talked to any of those other freaks," Asuka complains.
"I could relate to the part where the quiet girl acquired new clothes," Rei says quietly.
And I understand why the blonde boy wanted to shoot himself. Everyone expected so much of him, and he couldn't live up to that, Shinji thinks, but he doesn't speak up. He smiles a little thinking about it, but doesn't let Kaagi see. He was going to use a flare-gun! That's so dumb… like something I'd do.
"There were a lot of funny parts," Hikari adds, encouragingly.
The six of them walk together down the streets of Tokyo-3. Kaagi had planned efficiently, and the restaurant is not far from the theatre. Shinji notices with relief that only Kaagi and Rei are holding hands. Though he wishes he were doing so with Asuka, he doesn't feel left out, since Toji and Hikari aren't either. He hadn't seen Toji yawn, stretch, and drop his arm on the back of Hikari's seat, about halfway through the movie.
"Party of six?" asks the hostess upon their arrival at the restaurant.
"Actually…," Kaagi starts, about to protest.
"Of course!" interrupts Asuka, throwing her arms around both Shinji and Kaagi. "We're all just a bunch of friends, having a night on the town."
"Uh… right!" agrees Toji, darting his hand behind his back, seconds away from trying to grasp Hikari's.
"There may be quite a wait for a large table," the hostess warns.
"Well, three sets of two wouldn't be out of the question," Kaagi says, recovering. He gives Asuka a bemused look as she continues to hang on him. She just glowers back.
"Well, then," says the hostess, "I have one small table right over-" Kaagi grabs Rei and drags her in the direction the hostess is pointing, before she can even finish. Asuka immediately yanks her arm off of Shinji, and sidles next to Hikari.
"Okay…," says the flustered hostess. "And there's another table for two just next to that one."
"Thank you!" says Hikari gratefully. Asuka nudges her friend and smiles a devilish smile.
"That's great, Hikari," she whispers to her, as she watches Rei and Kaagi study their menus. "We'll be able to see everything, and listen in, and…" Her congratulations trail off as she sees Hikari walking with Toji over to the second table.
"I'll let you two know as soon as I have another table," the hostess assures Asuka and Shinji.
Shyly, Shinji ambles closer to Asuka, intent on taking her hand as they wait. He brushes his fingers lightly against hers, tentatively searching for approval. She pulls them quickly away, crossing her arms in a huff. Shinji's fragile ego decides to conclude that this is only coincidence.
"Well, at least there's still the arcade," Asuka says mostly to herself.
But… but there's still dinner too, Shinji thinks helplessly, but to no avail.
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
Hours later, with incessant electronic music and sound effects thick in the air, the six teenagers navigate the crowded video-game arcade. The three boys had, by now, spent a good deal of time and money assessing the realism of the many "giant-robot-combat" games, concluding that none were adequate. Though encouraged by the boys to join in, Hikari and Asuka had declined, and spent the time being frustrated over the lack of attention they were receiving. Rei had just played timing games, deciding that it was more practical to hone her reflexes.
Now, the night is winding down, and everyone feels ready to go. Hikari is already mentally planning the second date, with a radically different itinerary. Asuka, on the other hand, is feeling mounting pressure to show Kaagi, decisively, her superiority over Rei. Searching the current surroundings for a proper instrument of comparison, she spies the game "Dance-Dance Revelation".
"Hey, Wonder Girl, does this remind you of anything?" she shouts above the din. Everyone but Rei turns to look with interest. Rei just turns to look. "Remember how Shinji and I defeated the seventh Angel? Why don't we see if you're better than me yet?"
"In that circumstance, I don't think it was a question of-"
"What's the matter?" interrupts Asuka. "Scared I'll wipe the floor with you?"
Rei had been speaking too quietly to be heard, anyway. She looks to Kaagi, who seems anxious to see her attempt to best Asuka at the game. Indeed, all three boys are looking similarly expectant. Rei bows briefly to Asuka, then steps onto the game's platform. Asuka confidently steps up beside her, and goes about selecting a song.
"How about "Real Emotion"? Since you don't have any," Asuka mocks, not loud enough for anyone but Rei to hear.
"That will be fine," Rei states, removing her shoes.
"How is she going to dance in that dress?" Hikari asks rhetorically. "She can barely get her knees apart."
"Too bad for Kaagi," says Toji, forgetting the company he's in. A sharp rap upside the head from Hikari reminds him.
As if she'd heard the comment, Rei reaches down to the hem of her skirt. With a sharp rip, she tears along the seam until her right leg is exposed to mid-thigh. The other five stand with their mouths agape. Toji earns another swat from Hikari for staring too intently. Rei just follows the arrows that start climbing the screen as the song begins.
"What can I do for you…?" the machine starts singing. "What can I do for you…? What can I do for you…? I can hear you…"
To Asuka's consternation, Rei effortlessly keeps time with the music. The opening verse continues with its techno beat, and both girls start to sweat.
"…But those things I've seen… in those hazy dreams… can't compare with what I'm seein' now…"
A blizzard of arrows erupts from the bottom of the screen as the song nears its chorus. Rei and Asuka glance quickly at each other, and then it's on….
"…And though, I know, the world of real emotion has surrounded me… I won't give into it. Now, I know, that forward is the only way my heart can go… I hear your voice calling out to me: "You'll never be alone." What can I do for you…?"
Rei watches as everything spins, and she lands clumsily on her rump. Kaagi is at her side in a second, asking if she's okay. Something in the lyrics had broken her concentration, but she's still reeling and can't recall what it was. She looks up to see Asuka sneering down at her.
"I'm unhurt," Rei tells Kaagi. "I would just like… some air."
A few minutes later, Shinji finds himself sitting on a bench outside the arcade with Asuka. Kaagi is walking around with Rei, until he's convinced she's truly uninjured. Toji and Hikari have just decided to leave, and he's walking her home.
Something's been bothering Asuka, but I don't know what it is, Shinji thinks. I don't want to ask, because she'll probably say it's my fault, whether it is or not. I really wanted this to go well… but I guess I shouldn't have spent so much time playing games with Toji. She hardly talked to me at all, during the movie or dinner. Was I trying to get back at her by ignoring her? I'm so stupid… it didn't really work, anyway.
He looks down at her hand, realizing he'd given up trying to hold it.
Shinji doesn't notice Kaagi and Rei's circular path bringing them around by the bench again, but Asuka does. It infuriates her to see them together, despite her efforts. Running out of ideas, she latches onto the most outrageous one yet.
"Kiss me!" Asuka hisses at Shinji. He looks like he's been dowsed with cold water, but physiologically, the opposite has occurred.
"Kiss me, you idiot!" she repeats. Shinji is in shock, but lust and fear drive him to comply.
He presses his mouth against hers, and they kiss for the second time ever. It's different for him than it was the first time, though. Before, Asuka had at least a detached interest in experiencing the act with him. Now, it was like kissing a stone: cold, hard, and unresponsive. Still, Shinji presses on, convinced that this could be the best, and maybe the only chance he has to express his feelings for her. He tries to push all his desire, longing, and affection for her into this one kiss.
"Ugh!" she yelps, pulling back and spitting on the ground. "Was that your tongue?" Then, craning her neck to see, Asuka watches Kaagi and Rei continue on by. "He didn't even notice…," she grumbles.
Shinji's heart shatters, along with his delusions. He can no longer ignore the fact that Asuka has shown no real interest in him this whole evening. The tiny feather of hope that he'd held within his heart, now exposed to the night air, is carried away on a breeze.
Feeling wholly empty, Shinji just gets up and starts walking away.
He thinks he should be crying, or a least sad. But he's consumed by a numbness that defies logic. He doesn't see or hear anything but his feet landing on the pavement as he rounds a corner. He doesn't care anymore. He's just going home.
"Where are you going?" he hears Kaagi ask, as the other boy catches up to him. There may or may not have been an accusatory aspect to Kaagi's tone, but Shinji is sure that he heard one. It almost surprises him how quickly his numbness breaks into rage.
"Shut up," Shinji says, and he finds it liberating. He's sure his failure with Asuka is somehow Kaagi's fault. The memory of Kaagi rejecting the Commander's praise also burns hotly at the forefront of his mind. He's embracing his hatred of Kaagi completely, and it feels right.
"What?" asks Kaagi, taken aback.
"Just shut up and leave me alone," Shinji repeats, still walking away. Kaagi, growing angry, runs ahead and stands in Shinji's way.
Shinji feels the hatred bubbling up inside him as he approaches the obstacle in his path. With a growl, he throws his arms up and shoves Kaagi backward with all his might. Having seen it coming, Kaagi only moves back a step or two. Shinji sees the fist and feels the impact across his chin almost simultaneously, followed by another dull pain as his butt hits the ground.
Both boys stare at each other for a moment, while the madness that held them slowly grants release. Not knowing what to say, Kaagi goes to rejoin the girls. Shinji watches him disappear back around the corner, then pulls himself up. He stands there, with nothing to show for his outburst but throbbing pain in his chin and backside.
I'm so useless, he thinks before continuing on home.
"So, where is he going?" an annoyed Asuka asks Kaagi upon his return.
"Uh…," he begins, looking back to see if Shinji was also returning. "…I think he's going home. Maybe he felt sick."
"At least you're still here. I guess you'll just have to walk me home instead, then."
"I have to walk Rei home," Kaagi says. "Why don't you call a taxi with your cell?"
"Why don't you call Rei a cab?" Asuka retorts.
"Well, it's not safe for a young girl to ride in a strange taxi alone at night," he says.
"Then why did you suggest that I-?" she stops when she sees him smiling.
"Gotcha," he says to the red-faced redhead. She just crosses her arms and raises her eyebrows expectantly. "All right… I'll take Rei home, then come back here and walk with you. Okay?"
"Fine!" she says, feigning anger. Secretly, she's thanking Shinji for rudely walking off, so that she can have some time alone with Kaagi. As he gathers Rei, and they make for her apartment, Asuka calls out, "Don't keep me waiting!"
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
After a brisk walk, Rei and Kaagi arrive at the door to Rei's apartment. He feels her hand gripping his, as it had been since they began their trek. He doesn't want to let go, and he doesn't think she wants to either. It's the hand she would use to open the door, leaving him, and ending the night. He can only think of one thing to do to prolong the moment, so he starts to sing.
"Did you see the lights, as they fell all around you…? Did you hear the music, a serenade from the stars…? Wake up, wake up… wake up and look around you… We're lost in space, and the time is our own."
She doesn't understand the words, but the melody is soothing and he carries it well.
"Did you feel the wind, as it blew all around you…? Did you feel the love that was in the air…?"
Though he sings often, this gesture of him singing only for her makes Rei feel as if she's being given something… a gift. And no one has ever given her a gift before.
"The sun comes up, and it shines all around you… You're lost in space, and the Earth is your home…."
Afterward, Kaagi translates as best he can. A hint of a smile crosses Rei's face, but then is gone. He feels her hands let go of his, but he keeps holding on.
"I'm not lost," she says, as if trying to convince herself. The "now that I've found you" that Kaagi's romantic heart hopes would follow her statement doesn't. Nevertheless, he saw her tiny smile come and go, and he's sure it coincided with his translation of the line about "love".
Mustering all his courage, Kaagi leans in to kiss her. To his surprise and delight, she moves forward to close the distance between them. Their lips touch, and they share each other's first kiss. Unconsciously, Kaagi pulls Rei closer to him, letting go of her hands to wrap his arms around her. It occurs to Kaagi, after a few seconds, that he should do something other than stay frozen to her like a statue. With enthusiasm and lack of blood impairing his brain, he tries moving and pressing the kiss harder at the same time.
"Ouch," Rei says. It sounds forced coming from her, as if she put thought into what she should say, rather than just reacting. "Your glasses…."
Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! he thinks. I just blew it.
"That seemed somehow incorrect," Rei observes. Kaagi continues giving himself a mental beating. Then, she adds plainly, "Perhaps we should go inside to practice further."
She opens her door, and moves through the kitchen into the bedroom beyond. Kaagi follows as closely on her heels as he can without stepping on her. Still too enthused and too American, he forgets to remove his shoes.
Then, without warning, Rei undresses down to her underpants. Kaagi is naturally enthralled. Try as it might, his sense of modesty is unable to turn him away. She, however, pays no attention to him, going passively about her evening routine. When Rei stands before him, topless before putting on her nightshirt, Kaagi's modesty declares an unconditional surrender to his hormones.
Rei sits down on her bed, and looks up at Kaagi, as if inviting him to sit with her. He tries not to reap any wild expectations from this or her undressing. There's nowhere else to sit, and he thinks he remembers seeing in a documentary that the Japanese are immodest about nudity.
Carefully, but also a bit too anxiously, Kaagi puts his glasses in his jacket on Rei's dresser and then sits down beside her. He realizes the jacket hasn't left that spot for nearly two weeks, and it pleases him, that this token of his has been with her when she'd otherwise be alone.
"If you feel like kissing him, go ahead and kiss him", Rei remembers Misato's words. This time, she leans in first. But Kaagi meets her more than halfway. And this time, they get it right.
Rei drinks in the softness of his touch as his hands and mouth caress her. She's adrift in the pleasure of it all. She doesn't return his embrace, but willingly succumbs to his authority over her body. She had no idea she could feel this way. Always before, she'd experienced life from a removed perspective, as if observing herself from afar. But this time, it's different. She's now immersed in the experience, utterly and blissfully.
They both feel like they've finally returned to a place often visited, after spending too much time away. Nothing feels more natural to them than kissing each other, and they do for a long time. Kaagi can feel Rei's mouth smiling against his as the kiss continues. She pulls back slightly, just to breathe and look tenderly at him, as he looks adoringly back at her.
"No!" Rei whispers in shock.
Kaagi pulls back, too, watching her face contort in obvious torment. He opens his mouth to reflexively apologize, though he has no idea what could be distressing her. Suddenly, before he can speak, he's grabbed from behind and hurled off Rei's bed.
Kaagi's head and back explode in pain as he collides with the wall. His legs buckle, and he falls to his hands and knees. Then, his attacker delivers a punishing kick to his ribs, sending him sprawling face-first to the floor. He lies there, helpless, unable to stop two more kicks from connecting with his torso.
Please don't hurt Rei, he thinks, as he feels a hand grip his arm. His head and limbs are banged and scraped as he's dragged out of the bedroom, then through the kitchen. He catches a blurred glimpse of Rei, sitting woodenly on the bed, before being thrown out the front door, into the concrete railing beyond.
Kaagi's head is swimming and his vision is spotted. Slowly, he notices stinging, wet sensations on his face. He realizes he must be cut and bleeding, but he can't recall exactly how it happened. Faintly, he's aware of someone standing over him, as he lies crumpled on the walkway.
"You are not to interact socially with Rei Ayanami again," Gendo Ikari says evenly. "Do you understand me?"
No! Kaagi thinks, willing himself to not cry. Not him…! Shit, he's crazy! Close the door, Rei! Close it, and lock it!
"Go to Hell," he says, trying to buy Rei time. He wanted to shout the words at the Commander, but he could only force them out in a choking rasp.
Gendo responds with a firm backhand across Kaagi's face. Then, he picks the boy up by the shirt, in order to punch him in the stomach. Winded, Kaagi sinks down once more. His ears are ringing, and he's having trouble focusing, but he can still see Rei's door standing open. Gendo repeats his question, though Kaagi can barely hear it.
He's going to kill me, Kaagi presumes, and there's nothing I can do about it. The despair of it is too much for him, and he starts to cry. Gendo sees the boy's shoulders quiver with fitful weeping.
"Cowardly and weak… not unlike my son," he comments regretfully.
Did he say "my son"? Kaagi's ragged thoughts ask. Gradually, a conclusion forms in his mind. He means Shinji. Damned Shinji! He probably put his father up to this… told him how I hit him. Can't fight for himself, the little prick!
"I'm going to check on Rei," Gendo tells him. "I advise you to be gone before I finish."
Gendo closes and locks the door behind him upon re-entering the apartment. Rei hasn't moved at. The Commander walks unhurriedly over to the bed and gazes down at her. She just stares straight ahead.
"I'm disappointed in you, Rei," he says softly. She shows no reaction, but he continues. "Had you told me about him earlier, this unpleasantness could have been avoided."
"Why did this happen?" she asks quietly, dispassionately.
"I needed to protect you," Gendo explains, kneeling down in front of her. He places his left hand on her shoulder gently, keeping his right hand behind his back. "I know how he thinks…. To him, you are just a thing, to use for his own pleasure. And when you are no longer of use to him… he will discard you without a second thought."
Rei hangs her head. Gendo lifts her chin and smiles at her, but her eyes seem to look through him, and she doesn't smile back. Forlornly, he stands and turns away.
"It was for the best," he tells her firmly, but not angrily. He then leaves her apartment, making sure to lock the door behind him. On the walkway outside, Gendo sees only a few drops of blood. He looks at the white glove on his right hand, also stained with the boy's blood. Smiling wryly, he goes.
Once he's sure the Commander is far away, Kaagi pulls himself from hiding and stumbles to Rei's door. He tries the handle, but it's locked. He knocks lightly, but when that yields no answer, he starts pounding.
"Rei!" he calls. His voice is recovering, but it still hurts him to talk. "Are you all right…? It's me, Kaagi…. He's… he's gone now. You can open up."
"Go away!" she shouts angrily from inside. Kaagi can't believe the hatred in her voice.
"Please, let me in," he begs. He needs the sympathy as much as he needs the shelter. But Rei offers neither. "Please…."
"Go away!" she yells again. Kaagi bites hard on his lip, but he can't keep the tears from coming again. Not wanting to leave, but unable to stay and endure Rei's wrath, he begins the long walk back to the arcade where Asuka waits for him.
Fine! his pain-wracked brain thinks as the tears stream down. I guess she's not who I thought she was. She's cold and heartless, just like Shinji. They deserve each other. Damn them both!
His quick rationalization against Rei helps ease the stabbing pain in his heart, if only just a little. Unfortunately, it was not Kaagi whom Rei was commanding to go. Between them stood the door, but between her and the door stood Kaworu. She never heard Kaagi's cries for help.
"You are fortunate to have such a protector in Gendo Ikari," Kaworu tells her. Whether he's being sincere or sarcastic is unclear. "It is essential that your purity is maintained. The allure of the Fruit of Knowledge is great, but you would deny yourself the Fruit of Life."
"I don't know what you're talking about," she says. Her underlying need to understand dulls the angry edge to her voice.
"You sound like Shinji," Kaworu observes, smiling. Rei remembers Misato having said the same thing, a few days ago. It had made her think of Kaworu then. Now, he was using the same words, deliberately it seemed, as if he knew.
"I know what you fear," he continues. "You, like Shinji, fear being alone. The time will come when he will seek you out, and you will become one with him. That was my destiny; that is our destiny. Until then, you may take heart in this: Man is fundamentally alone, an entity unto himself. But we are not Men. You will never be alone, because I will always be with you."
"No!" Rei whispers.
But denying the truth can't change it.
She feels her grip on sanity slacken. She can't tell if the thought was hers, or Kaworu's.
Rei lunges for the closest object she can reach, and then hurls it at Kaworu. The Commander's glasses shatter all over the kitchen floor. But Kaworu is gone.
Rei sits down on her bed and starts to cry. Tears come like they never have before, flooding down her face, stinging her eyes with their saltiness. She knows the sadness comes from loss, but which loss…? The glasses, Kaagi, or her sanity… she just can't tell.
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
Sitting impatiently on a bench outside the arcade, Asuka asks yet another passer-by for the time. It's taken far longer for Kaagi to return than she'd hoped. Still, even in this amount of time, she can't imagine that he's gotten farther with Rei than she'd be willing to go to steal him.
The sight of a hunched-over figure, limping toward her, interrupts her lewd musings. Asuka's first instinct is to flee to the safety of the arcade. But as he draws closer, she can see through his injuries that it's Kaagi.
"Mein Gott!" she breathes, running over to him. He tries to smile, even though it hurts.
"I… I got mugged," he tells her. She looks around for help but he shakes his head. "I'll be… I'll be okay… but can we call that cab, now?"
After taking a taxi home, Asuka lets Kaagi lean on her for the long walk from curb to the apartment. During the trip, the shock of seeing him bruised and bloodied had worn off. Consequently, she's been feeling the urge to complain about having to help him. But then she reminds herself that his weight on her shoulders is actually bringing her closer to her goal. And instead of complaining, she smiles graciously, and gives him a look of sympathy that's more sincere than she'd admit to herself.
Inside the apartment, it's dark, cold, and quiet. Shinji and Pen-pen are already asleep, and so is Misato, though Asuka understandably assumes that she hasn't returned yet. Asuka assists Kaagi in navigating the through the dark, all the way to the bathroom. Once there, he starts the water running and grabs a washcloth to clean the cuts on his face.
"I'll get some ice from the kitchen," Asuka tells him. "Why don't you meet me in my room, so we don't wake anybody up?" Kaagi just nods, still a bit dazed, and Asuka lingers, long enough to see him strip off his shirt. She exhales at the sight of his back and chest, enjoying his physique for a moment, despite herself and the giant, purple bruises on him.
"And don't forget to brush your teeth," she adds, hoping she isn't being too overt. Still, if she's going to entice him into kissing her, she'd prefer to be safe than sorry.
After gathering ice and wrapping it in a hand-towel, Asuka rushes to her room. She takes off her dress and puts on a shirt, leaving a few buttons strategically undone. Then, she turns on a small desk-lamp and sits on her bed, in just her shirt and panties, waiting for Kaagi.
Soon, her door slides open and he enters. His shirtless form, moving toward her in the dim light, sends a tingle of excitement down her spine. She has no time to contemplate the ramifications of that as he sits down beside her. With one hand, she presses the wrapped ice against Kaagi's forehead. Then, deliberately, she places the other hand on his knee. He smiles at her, and she's sure the "trap" has worked.
"I wonder if this is what it's like," he muses, "having a real mother."
Crap! she thinks. How the hell did we get off track here? But I guess it's good that he's opening up, he's sharing. Maybe I can still salvage this….
"What do you mean?" she asks.
"Well… it's not something I like to talk about," he says. But Asuka is acting so unlike her usual self, so concerned and interested, that he continues anyway. "See, I'm… I'm adopted. The Chudas aren't my birth parents.
"Now, my Dad, Mr. Chuda… he's always been like a real father to me. But Mrs. Chuda… she never treated me like I was her son. She never missed an opportunity to remind me that I wasn't. They'd had me since I was a baby, but she never really accepted me, you know?"
Yes… Asuka thinks. Like sunlight penetrating clouds, her thoughts scream, Yes, I do know! Neither one of my Mamas…neither of them wanted me….
It surprises her how Kaagi's story truly touches her, in a place she'd stopped feeling pain a long time ago. She can't keep her true emotions off her face any longer, but they finally match what she's been pretending up until now. She really does care about his feelings. This situation, that was so contrived, has suddenly turned into something real, and she doesn't know what to do now.
"I did get to know my real Mom," Kaagi continues. He can see the sincere sympathy in Asuka's eyes, and so his words just keep pouring out. "She was already an unmarried mother of one when I came along… just another bad decision on her part. She knew that she couldn't handle two kids on her own, so she gave me to the Chudas, who were friends of hers. When she wasn't busy working, she'd visit.
"We moved to America when I was four, though. The Chudas were citizens, so they were just moving "back". Mom would call sometimes, and visit when she could, which wasn't a lot. She was still so busy…. Don't misunderstand; it was the right decision for her to give me up. I know it would have been more than she could handle. Because… when I was nine, she… she killed herself."
With tears welling up, Asuka can think of only one thing to do. She throws her arms around him, and she kisses him. It's a hungry, frantic kiss that starts forceful and just grows harder. Kaagi responds in the only way possible, kissing her back just as hard, with previous anger and present desire married together in a violent passion.
The kiss lasts and lasts. They press their lips together endlessly, only stopping for seconds to breathe before plunging back in. They kiss until it hurts, and maybe because it hurts, for sharing pain is what brought them together. Asuka is lost to the ecstasy of giving true emotion to another person, and getting it back in kind. When Kaagi moves from her lips to kiss her neck, she whispers "ja" and even "mein Liebe", before kissing him back the same way.
Although equally swept up in the rapture of the moment, the purity that Asuka is experiencing escapes Kaagi. His response to her embrace was motivated not only by a true connection with her, but also by the fact that kissing her would hurt Shinji and Rei. As he thinks on it more, however, he realizes that he wants to hurt Shinji worse than just this act of betrayal could. And he's not so sure that he wants to hurt Rei at all anymore.
With sad terror, he becomes conscious of his memory of Rei's kiss being slowly wiped away as he continues to kiss Asuka. He can't recall exactly what she felt like, how she smelled, or how she tasted. And he doesn't want to lose that memory, because it goes deeper than what he's feeling now. Kissing Asuka is indeed like a banquet for a starving man, but kissing Rei had fed a hunger that was more than just physical.
After countless minutes spent joined together, they pause for breath once more, but when Asuka leans in again, Kaagi backs away. The kiss had happened as much because he yearned to hurt as it had because he yearned to care. But however he ends up feeling about Shinji or Rei, he's sure that there's one person he has no desire to hurt. She's looking at him now, with palpable desperation. It makes him disgusted with himself, that he could use her this way.
"I'm sorry… I can't do this," he says, getting up to go. Asuka just sits on the bed, speechless, watching the door slide closed behind him. She doesn't know whether to cry or scream. So, she lays her head down and stares blankly at the wall, feeling lost in confusion over what had just happened.
The confusion doesn't last, though. She turns her head and sobs quietly into her pillow, feeling like she wants to die, until sleep finally comes.
To Be Continued…
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
Next Episode Preview:
Anger and jealousy set four of the pilots at each other's throats. Two of them are off to America, while the remaining children must defend the city from yet another attack. Down by two, and downed further by broken morale, can they hope to prevail? Find out in our next episode: "Rei Strikes/Fly Me to the Moon"