This is long overdue, but I finally got around to it. -.-; Anyway, here it is… Day 13!
Day 13
I couldn't do anything without being distracted. Whatever it was that Naminé was hiding, it bugged me too. I already spent one sleepless night tossing and turning in my bed (located in the guest quarters) as I pondered on the secrets being kept from me.
There was only one way to solve it. I made up my mind to get the answers from Axel once and for all. This time, I decided that I wouldn't take 'no' for an answer. He wouldn't weasel his way out of this one.
So the next morning, I finally confronted Axel and demanded that he told me what was going on. Not only was he unfazed, but he laughed in my face instead. I was furious at him. Why should he be so calm when I was getting more and more agitated?
"So, you want to know what I said to Naminé?" he repeated, amused. Leaning against the wall, he was the perfect picture of being able to keep a cool head; right up there with Zexion and Laxaeus.
"Yes!" I, on the other hand, was anything but calm.
"Then why don't you ask her yourself if you're so eager to know?" Axel asked, tilting his head slightly so that he was looking at me from the side. The dark marks under his eyes made him look even more sinister.
I gave him a dirty look. "I've tried that, but she won't tell me," I said a matter-of-factly.
"Well... If she won't tell you then it's not my place to say, but..." He trailed off cunningly with the sole purpose of irritating me. Axel had always intended on telling me. "I just informed her of Sora's current location. I dare say that she might want to meet him."
"You what! Why?" My face clouded with confusion. But why would Naminé want to see him? After all that I've done to try keep him away, she wouldn't just go to see him, would she?
Axel looked disapprovingly at me, "And you call yourself her bodyguard? If you've been paying attention to Naminé, you would know why. Tsk, tsk. You have to pay notice such things, Riku. I expected better from you."
"I didn't ask for a sermon," I retorted. "I just don't– I didn't think Naminé would– You're lying."
As if reading my mind, Axel continued effortlessly, "I'm not, but you don't have to take my word for it. I could be wrong for all I know." He pointed at the tiled floor beneath us and grinned. "Sora's just one floor down. Go check it out yourself."
"Fine, I will," I said defiantly.
I shouldn't have, but I couldn't stop myself. Before I knew it, I was downstairs, just in time to walk in to see Sora talking to Naminé. Talking like old friends.
No…Way. With a snarl, I entered. Sora's friends disappeared into the background; I couldn't care less about them. I saw nothing but my target– Sora.
Naminé turned to me, eyes wide in shock. She must have sensed trouble too, since she looked more frightened than normal. But I wasn't angry with her. In fact, I kept my bubbling fury (and jealously) in check just so that she wouldn't have to see the not-so-nice side of me.
Sora, on the other hand, was another story. He could take a good pounding or two. But he had beaten me like what? Three times already? You would've thought that I had learned my lesson. But you'll find that I'm an exceptionally slow learner.
This time though, things were different. I could tell that my skills had escalated to a whole new level. I had more stamina, more power, more speed than I knew I had. I kept Sora running for most of the battle, wearing him down. But, sadly (for me), he was still stronger than I was. Just a second too slow, I was knocked back several meters when Sora's keyblade caught me square on the chest. It really did hurt, and my face showed it.
Do you know how it feels to tried your hardest and still get beaten? Believe me, I know that feeling much better than I would've liked. Not fun. But I was more determined than ever that Naminé would not see me lose, no matter what I had to do. To heck with dueling etiquette.
I collapsed on one knee.
It almost stunned me to know that Sora stopped his attack as soon as he saw me hurt. Almost, but not completely, I had counted on his foolishness after all. I was just half-surprised that he had fallen for my trick so easily. He didn't see my grin.
Going back into his natural kind/stupid self, Sora came to see if I was all right. As soon as he was in range, I hit him with a shot of my dark powers and smiled wickedly as he stumbled and fell. Never play games with me, Sora, I thought smugly.
Like Zexion had told me before, darkness was not a toy. I wasn't using it as such. It wasn't fun and games anymore; this was war. It had been the second he stepped in Castle Oblivion and tried to take Naminé from me. I would never forgive him.
For just a moment, Sora let his guard down while recovering from my sneak attack. It was enough. "So this is it, Sora. Can't say I didn't warn you," I said. This was my moment of triumph. I wanted to see him scared, see him angry. "Come on, don't you have anything to say to your old pal?" I taunted.
Sora said only this, "You don't know what you're doing, Riku. I'm your friend."
"That was in the past. Those were all stupid kid games." I waved it off indifferently. "Reality caught up. I can see who are my true friends now. And sorry to say, but you're not included, Sora. This is where it ends." My eyes hardened and my grip on Soul Eater tightened.
Looking down into Sora anxious but still level gaze, I was about to deal the final blow when Naminé shouted, "No!" Though temporarily stunned and somewhat shaken at her reaction, I continued doing what I had intended.
Sora and I –Riku– may have been best friends, but that was a long time ago. So long ago that I could barely remember it. I prepared to lower Soul Eater and finally end our rivalry.
Naminé screamed again. Too late. My arm continued to bring Soul Eater down on Sora, even though my mind had hesitated. Things seemed to be going in slow motion, but even so there was no time to stop now...
"NO!"
And in that one moment, that single word, I think my heart was broken.
The effects were immediate. Soul Eater vanished as I doubled over from the pain. I fell to my knees, still wondering what was going on. Just what had happened! I bit my lip to stop from crying out.
Naminé had used her powers on me once more, breaking away all my memories. Not a slight modification like in the past, but an entire upheaval. Almost all the links came apart, as Naminé forced them to detach in a last, desperate attempt to stop me. But by doing that, there was a steep price to pay.
A price that I paid alone.
Things that had been distorted were either restored or lost, things that I had misunderstood I would see clearly. I probably wasn't ready for all of it. That's why I gradually sunk into the darkness, to a point from which I nearly couldn't return. You may not believe it, but there was a time where I really felt that bad, when nothing mattered anymore.
I didn't fall into unconsciousness immediately. I was still aware enough to know that I was currently crumpled on the smooth, cold floor in front of Sora and Naminé. Undignified, yes, but I wasn't in the mood to care about meaningless things like pride or honor.
Only my thoughts, my memories were real now. Only the pain was real.
Negative colors blurred my vision and I knew I was slipping away. But before that... I craned up and felt a sinking feeling as I saw her stricken face. No... I didn't want her to be sad, even now. I could never wish for her unhappiness, you know?
But why... Why had she stopped me? It was a terrible thing that she put me through. Naminé knew that when I woke up, I would remember everything– all my mistakes. She was probably the only other person who knew the full extent of her actions. It might've been kinder to let me continue living a lie and be completely happy. But I guess she had had no choice.
To save Sora, Naminé had to immobilize me, and she had done it the only way she knew how. But there was a problem with that. It would mean that in a choice between Sora and me, she had chosen... Sora? After everything that I had done for her? Damn the unfairness of it all!
I had stood nothing to gain from standing by her, and yet I had risked everything. What possessed me to do all that for her when we had really been 'friends' for barely two weeks? I was mad at myself for being so blind. I should've seen the signs. Naminé was never glad to see me and she had always closed her heart from me. Like an idiot I thought that it didn't matter. So, I suppose my fix was the punishment for not seeing.
The memories came back one by one.
They weren't complete; at that time I still couldn't remember why or when I was created, but I did know who I was. Fragments of recollections linked together to recreate the memories that I had lost. It was a slow process, painfully so.
I came to remember a Riku who wasn't me. And then, I remembered that I was only a replica.
In the moment that I realized my mistake, I really felt like crying. Yes, sobbing and bawling like a baby. At least that way, I would feel better than if I were to keep it in. Choked up as I was, my memories slowly detached from me and I could no longer feel.
There were no tears in my eyes, but inside I was burning up with something that I think was self-pity. How I had been betrayed was my only thought now. Fool. I was a such fool for believing that things were exactly as what I believed them to be. Not much is, in the real world.
I couldn't have guessed, could I? I would've never guessed the truth if this hadn't happened. I was created to be a loser from the start! Me, a loser! It dawned on me then. So this is the Truth. I rolled on my back and closed my eyes again. A bitter smile found its way onto my lips. Larxene... You were right all along.
I chuckled weakly at my own stupidity. You were always telling the truth, but I thought that it was a lie.
My smile grew wider and I went on grinning. Isn't it hilarious? I thought the Truth was a lie! You must be getting such a kick out of this, Larxene! In her spite, she had given me countless hints. And you know what? I laugh at myself too. I deserve every last insult. No one wants me around. I'm better off dead. But wait, I can't die, 'cause I was never born!
Then, my expression suddenly twisted into one of pain and all else crumbled away. How is it possible that I don't exist? I'm not Riku, I'm nobody.
Do you think it's possible for someone to break his heart twice at the same time?
Well, I'm pretty sure mine shattered like the white marble fragments of the roses that I had smashed before. I suddenly regretted just leaving those shards lying miserably on the floor. Even they deserved better than that.
Was I also to be neglected? Blacking out, I don't remember what happened after that. All I knew was that I was alone, betrayed by my own memories.
Was I dreaming a foolish dream all this time? In the end, am I only the fake who dreamt that he was real? No! I...I won't be a replica! I refuse!
---
I came to slowly, my senses coming back one at a time. For a while everything that I was hearing sounded very far away and blurred, like a dream. I thought I heard Naminé's voice talking to me.
"Can you hear me, Riku?" she whispered softly, crouching next to me.
Groggily, I mumbled weakly in reply, "I'm... not... Riku." Thinking about what I had just told her, it felt strange to hear myself say 'Riku' and not be referring to myself. Inside, I was still very much the boy named Riku not some worthless clone made by science. I needed time to come to terms with that fact. Not enough time had passed yet.
I really hoped that it had been a bad dream. I'd wake up soon and Naminé would be happy to see me... Sure, this wasn't real at all!
"You should already know by now... You aren't Riku. You should be able to remember everything now, everything that I did to you. I'm sorry for deceiving you and I don't deserve your forgiveness, but please..." Naminé trailed off.
My heart—or whatever I had instead of a heart—felt hollow. I wasn't dreaming after all. My memories may have been 'proof' of my identity, but her voice was testament to the truth, the one I was trying—tried so hard—to avoid.
"I was the one who locked you in the training room. I went to find Axel, but I only wanted him to help me find a way to contact Sora. I couldn't bear the guilt anymore. When you came in, I was stunned to see you back so soon. If you had found out the truth then, you would have hated me. I didn't know what to do. Then Axel stepped in and took the blame. It was so easy to just let him lie."
She said the words that I was thinking. "I was a coward."
My anger exploded. Yes! She was a coward! She was a selfish witch! So many times she could've told me! She could've refused to tinker with my memories! But she had kept her silence because she was afraid. She wasn't even worth my concern!
"If there's anything I can do to make it up..." Suddenly, I melted, my anger drying up and evaporating.
Naminé was truly repentant.
Forgiving her really wasn't something I could choose to do anyway. I couldn't not forgive her even if I tried. That was how deep the care for her went. Instead, the one I was mad at was myself. Mad because I couldn't bring myself to blame Naminé. I couldn't even run away from myself.
At the moment I felt so empty that I didn't know what to feel. I continued to lie down, not meeting Naminé's eyes.
"Sora's gone on. I've told him the truth, and I'm glad that I did even if it's a little late. At least now he can remember Kairi who means so much to him. It's as it should be." Naminé lips formed an unhappy smile. I sensed that she wasn't completely happy even though she had done the right thing. Releasing Sora had been one of the hardest things for her to do, and it hurt. "Now you know it too, so there aren't anymore secrets."
Secrets.
I could've laughed. All this time I had wanted there to be no secrets between us, but now that I got my wish, why didn't I feel happier? I'm sure it was because now I knew that Naminé didn't want me at all. What, had I just been her toy too? Did she play along with my delusions for fun! But as soon as I thought that, I felt guilty. Naminé wasn't that way... I was sure.
The false memories that she had implanted were still vivid, though I also knew that they weren't real. I still can recall our days as good friends on the Destiny Islands though I know that they never really happened.
It's impossible to explain that feeling of something being real and yet not. It was as if things were reversed. Reality was fantasy and fantasy was reality.
I suppose those are two conflicting things that don't go well together. Either you're real or fake, there isn't an in-between. And like those memories, I too was fake. But I took the heavy blow calmly, maybe a bit too calmly, because then no one suspected my inner thoughts.
I'm not as strong as they thought, because I never did get over it. Nobody suspected how far I would go just to be real.
For one of the few times in my life, I took on a passive approach and did not answer. By and by, I drifted off again. "...Please..." she whispered to me as my consciousness dimmed, and I shifted slightly away from her. "Believe me, if you still can, because I..."
I was as still as a sleeper, giving Naminé no sign that I had heard anything that she had said. I just couldn't bring myself to speak to her. Her apologies didn't help at all. I didn't want my silence to hurt her, but I couldn't make myself act as though nothing had changed when so much had. She went on and on; I couldn't stand it anymore.
"Just…go away..." I said softly. Though I hadn't said it cruelly, I knew that Naminé was blinking back tears. She said no more, and I went back to sleep.
The next I knew, I was startled into awaking up when Marluxia came and took Naminé from my side. "Come! The Keyblade Master ascends. You will help me defeat him," he commanded.
Naminé broke away from his grasp, wrenching her arm away from him. She shouted in rare defiance, "Never! I won't help you!"
Marluxia's fist clenched as he sneered. "You never had a choice."
Hearing her shriek as he dragged her away, I wanted so much to stop him, but I was still immobilized, far too weak to fight him off. Marluxia left, thinking that I was unconscious. He still looked down on me, eh? Well, he would live to regret it.
Larxene had already been defeated, there was no trace of her at all. But I doubt that anyone felt sorry for her.
As for Axel, I was not surprised to find that he was a double agent, pretending to want to overthrow the Organization when his mission was really to eradicate the traitors. I wondered if Marluxia had expected such treachery from one of his subordinates. Maybe, maybe not. How did it feel to be the one who was betrayed?
Upstairs... Sora was upstairs, about to fight Marluxia. I needed to go too.
Forcing myself to pull myself together, my thoughts stabilized and I got to my feet, wobbly and tired, but not broken. I wonder how I got the strength to stand back up that day. Why didn't I just crumble and fade away? Why didn't I lose my mind and spirit?
I touched my chest where my heart should be. It was still there beating regularly. Even the thought that my heart was too strong for utter destruction didn't comfort me, because though I survived, I wasn't the same as before. Hell no.
I couldn't even find the heart to make a joke. I thought for a while, but not a single trace of humor crept in to lighten the mood. Well, that was the new me. Maybe that was the real me.
Cracking my knuckles, I ran to join the fight above.