Cat-chan: Hey diddle diddle... well sorry about the long wait! It's getting tougher to put my ideas on paper while making the whole story relevant. I'll try my best though! Oh, and on Nov. 23-Nov. 26 I will have no internet access unless the hotel I'm staying at offers some. I'm going to Vegas! A family reunion thing. But that does not mean that I will not write. Oh yes, I hope to finish at least one or two chapters while I'm there.Until then, enjoy this! Chappie 18 with a whole shitload of angst for you to enjoy!
Hisoka: You can't really enjoy angst.
Cat-chan: You can if you're me.
Hisoka: That's true.
Tsuzuki: Ne, ne Hisoka! We're going to Las Vegas! Waaaii! -heart heart-
Cat-chan: It will be so much fun with you two there!
Tsuzuki: Hai! But 'Soka can't drink or gamble, tee hee.
Cat-chan: Uh, neither can I.
Tsuzuki: Oh... HA! I can!
Hisoka and Cat-chan: ...Idiot.

Chapter 18: You are your reflection

The bleak emptiness that was felt when he looked at her, it was disturbing. So was the shade of her eyes, so unnatural. That blood red color. He shuddered, her aura was so foreboding because of the nothingness that seemed to consume her. That woman dressed in black. She reminded him of his mother, with her long dark hair and blank expression. His mother had once been beautiful, then turned ugly by the hideous monster that she conceived. Her insanity was blamed upon the demon child.

Hisoka didn't like these dreams. Although they took up the space where memories of Touda's fire or the night he was cursed, they were so distressing. It was just that woman staring at him, words ringing through his head occasionally. They were all metaphors though. Making no sense whatsoever, just random words. You are your reflection. Love and Lust are balanced. One step forward, two steps back. Every rose has it's thorns. Memory is the key that opens the lock to wishes.

The one that frightened him the most, was the one that spoke of love and lust. It said that they were balanced, meaning that they were equal which bordered on sameness. Lust was not good in his opinion, memories of Muraki assaulted him at the mere thought of that emotion. Hisoka had very little experience when it came to love, but if it was equal to lust then he wanted nothing to do with it. Which explained why he was putting so much distance between himself and Tsuzuki lately.

It was hurting his partner, Hisoka was aware of that much, but he couldn't stand to be overwhelmed by those emotions of his. Every time they were left alone, the blonde would find some way to leave and be alone or stay with Watari or Setsuko or someone. Anyone other than Tsuzuki. Well, except Saya and Yuma, but it was winter so they kept their distance.

The avoiding maneuver made him feel dirty, low, and disgusting. Especially when he saw the betrayal in those amethyst eyes. There were many times where the boy just wanted to run and give the brunette a hug and apologize profusely, then there were the times where he wanted to smack him upside the head and say 'Baka. I don't hate you. I want you as my partner. Now get back to work.' He doubted the latter would work, but the former would give Tsuzuki a heart attack. Sweets and fatty foods did nothing to his heart, but his usually distant and cold partner becoming clingy and giving hugs of his own free will? That would certainly do him in and be frightening at the same time.

The mental image normally would've made him smirk at the stupidity of the man, but this time it made his heart sink. Even if he'd never admit it aloud, Hisoka craved affection. Whether it came in the form of a shoulder pat, holding hands, an embrace, or whatnot, he wanted to feel loved. Before his death, the physical contact had ceased at age five or so. Except for the beatings. The boy shivered. It hurt to know that one minute his mother adored him and showered him with affection and his father looked on with pride, then the next he was being smacked and cursed and disowned.

The hugs he received from his mother had always cheered him up, his empathy helping him with that. Hisoka could feel the love and happiness and pride radiating off her as she embraced him or cradled him. In turn it made him happy and love her back. With his father, he felt the need to be like him. The boy had admired the man greatly, trying his hardest to gain approval. When he did, Hisoka would receive a pat on the head or shoulder and a smile that beamed with acceptance. Those smiles and hugs and love were quickly turned into scowls and smacks and hatred. He was feared by those he loved. He was rejected by the people that he loved most, not understanding what made him a demon. But he carried that with him, in that cell. Demon… monster… you're not my child… you'll die alone… demons don't cry…

He couldn't help it. Tears would constantly leak from his emerald eyes as the hollow feeling in him increased. Hisoka hated his empathy in that cell, it only gave him the emotions of hatred and fear and anger. He couldn't escape it. So the boy closed himself off to everyone, hiding behind his betrayal and resentment towards his parents.

Becoming a shinigami had only provided him what he lost in his life. Death was giving him a second chance. At first, he scorned it, denying to himself the feeling he'd long forgotten. The feeling of being cared for. Who could care for him? It was impossible. Hisoka immediately gave up hope, not wanting to form any kind of relationship with anyone. Then he had to try. That stupid, lazy-ass, idiotic excuse for a partner had to try to open up the blonde to his true feelings. To learn to trust. And just when he started, started to put a little more effort into conversations and wanting to spend more time with people, what had to happen? The person he cared about most, nearly killed himself. Nearly committed suicide for the second time.

It hurt. Unshed tears glistened in bright emerald optics, his forehead leaning against the cool surface of the glass window. It hurt to know that he hadn't made a difference at the time. To Tsuzuki, Hisoka had only been another partner in a long list of them. He wasn't special. Not like the brunette was to him. The boy admired him, wanted to be more like him in his serious moods. Tsuzuki was Hisoka's first partner and the first person to care about him despite his strangeness. But then, a monster belonged with a monster, right?

Hisoka shivered, pulling his jacket around his lithe frame tighter. He was currently sitting in the office he shared with Tsuzuki, but the man was no where to be seen. Both good and bad for the empath, loneliness still had it's conflicting hold on him. This reflection of past events was doing nothing to brighten his mood. It only served to drive him further into self-loathing and clinginess. Now he was hugging himself, wrapping his frail arms around slender shoulders. The emptiness within him seemed to grow with every passing second. Hisoka desperately tried to prevent the gaping hole within him from swallowing up the last remaining remnants of his meager existence.

The boy didn't like this one bit, he had no idea what was going on with him. Why he'd suddenly vomit or cough up blood, why large bruises soiled his pale flesh, why he couldn't sleep or eat or even breath sometimes. Hisoka didn't understand and it was driving him to the brink of what felt like his sanity. What was worse, with his empathy acting up a shield was required at all times. Keeping it up was always strenuous work, so in his weakened state it consumed most of his energy at a rapid rate. Were Tsuzuki or any of the others to see him like this, he'd be forced into the infirmary for Enma knows how long.

Hisoka was now staring at the door that led to the hallways, where he could hear people chatting and laughing as if he didn't exist. That was always the case. He didn't matter, life went on whether or not he was a part of it. Hope that someone might come in and find him flooded his senses, a silly hope. Even if it was the only thing that kept him from slipping into that dark place.

Chapped lips parted as if to call out, but his throat was too dry and his mouth felt like it was stuffed full of cotton or hay. No words were formed. Emerald eyes shifted back to the window. Hisoka wanted Tsuzuki to come back, but the man had no reason to do so. Who would come back for him? Surely not the kind, loving brunette who could have any choice person stay beside him for eternity. The boy wasn't anything special, he was only a burden.

"I'm just a burden… just a burden…" he whispered to his reflection, loathing it.

A cool hand was placed on his forehead. Soothing whispers reached his ears and he felt himself slipping back into the chair. A wave of gentle kindness swept over him and he clung to it. The only positive feeling surrounding him at the moment. Green eyes slipped closed in contentment. Hisoka felt like crying or thanking the person that had come to him, the person that answered his mental plea.

"Don't worry, you're not a burden. Never a burden." the voice whispered, wheat locks being brushed back lovingly, in a motherly kind of fashion.

"Tsuzuki…" he mumbled, inaudible but the emotion in his mind was craving and need.

When Hisoka opened his eyes, he was in his bed in his apartment. He blinked with confusion, unsure of how he had gotten there. What about the office? What happened? The only sign that he had ever gotten around that day was the fact that he had changed, it was late in the afternoon, and the scent of sweet chocolate and spiced cinnamon hung all around him. It's how Tsuzuki smells. He breathed in deeply, then let his form collapse upon the bed. It was so warm. Hisoka would stay there for a few minutes longer. There was no harm in that.

The cup of coffee in his hands was now cold. Tsuzuki grimaced as the bitter drink ran thickly down his throat, leaving a less than appealing after taste in his mouth. It burned his vocal chords and pained him to swallow, but did so because he felt he had to. He licked his dry lips in order to moisten them, setting the mug on the counter so it could be forgotten. There was no longer any desire within him to drink the bland liquid. A sigh escaped him, amethyst optics dulling to a dark blue shade bordering on indigo. He wrung his hands together, for he had nothing better to do with them. Grasping the mug again, Tsuzuki began to rotate it in his hands. His fingers keeping a firm grip even with his trembling.

The brunette was a nervous wreck. His mind could stay focused on one thing long enough before being reminded of something painful and switching topics completely. He could only think of one thing for two minutes at most, frantically attempting to drive all thoughts of the blonde boy down the hall away. He was panicking. Tsuzuki had no idea why.

A lot of his coworkers were troubled by his behavior, the normally oblivious man could see that much. It wasn't that hard to notice. All the sympathetic gazes, the reassuring motions and gestures, the forced smiles, and the hushed whispers behind his back all told him so. It all began the day Hisoka got really mad at him, more so than usual. The brunette could not recall what had happened exactly, it all happened so fast. It was blurry. Tsuzuki could remember yelling and crying, but then nothing. A gap in his memory or something of the like.

Now Hisoka wasn't speaking to him, the boy wouldn't so much stand to stay in the same room as the man or even look at him. He avoided him at all costs. Tsuzuki felt like hell. Even if he couldn't remember what had happened or what had been said, it tore him up inside to know that he had done something harmful to his partner. He had screwed up again and now he was going to lose him. Just like all the others. Every single fucking partner.

He always lost them, it was a vicious cycle that would continuously repeat itself until his existence was destroyed. Tsuzuki would receive a partner, bond with them a little and go on a couple of cases. Then they would get fed up with him, whether it was his fake laziness and overly cheerful attitude or his masochist behavior. He would watch, unable to do anything, as the partner would leave him all alone again. Then the cycle would repeat itself again. Hisoka would be no different. He had been a fool to think otherwise. How could anyone, especially someone as perfect and wonderful as Hisoka, ever wish to stay with him and care for him. It wasn't meant to be.

Destined to be alone for an eternity, that was his curse. That was how the gods punished him, by keeping all the things he wanted just out of his reach. Love, acceptance, friendship. He'd never truly receive those wonderful blessings. It was foolish to think otherwise. Happiness, true happiness, was unattainable for Tsuzuki. Except once. The one time he felt needed, when he felt the arms of his young partner around his neck. The boy pleading with him to stay, claiming that he needed him. Those simple words were enough to make his heart soar with unbelievable happiness. Too bad he realized later that it was only a impulse for Hisoka. Tsuzuki was merely something for him to cling to when he needed it, the man found this both sickening and enjoyable. Sickening because he allowed the boy's clinginess and sometimes got aroused by their close contact. Enjoyable because he loved the boy, wanting to get closer and cherishing the moments where Hisoka confided in him. It filled him with blithe.

Now he doubted that the boy would ever speak to him again, let alone confide in him or seek comfort from him. Bits and pieces of their argument came back to him; it had started with Hisoka's eating and sleeping and led to not trusting and stuff like that. Setsuko had tried to stop the argument, but Hisoka had yelled at her to shut up. Tsuzuki told him not to yell at her. Then they just began shouting back and forth until Hisoka asked aloud, 'Why am I still your partner!' Tsuzuki then replied, 'I don't know, but go find a new one if it pains you this much! I won't care!' Then Hisoka was silent. The sentence before the brunette's was the last thing he had heard Hisoka say for the past six days.

So during those six days, Tsuzuki had been hanging around Watari, Tatsumi, Wakaba, and Setsuko. The young girl was who he spent most of his time with, but he had ceased to when he saw how worried she was about Hisoka. Today he felt like being alone though. It was getting late, most of the employees had gone home already. The few that remained were Tsuzuki himself, Wakaba, Tatsumi, Terazuma, Watari, Setsuko, and Hisoka.

His ears picked up the sound of Wakaba and Terazuma closing up their office for the night, the faint puttering of Watari, and Tatsumi shuffling through files. Then there was a soft murmur coming from the office he shared with Hisoka. He sighed sadly, there was still no way he could keep his mind from drifting to his partner. It was impossible, he loved the boy too much. The way the light shone on his wheat colored hair and giving him a golden halo. When those cold emerald depths shone with concern or confusion, even when they flashed with anger or amusement. His pale, warm flesh; it was so soft to touch and caress. Tsuzuki took great care in doing so when he was allowed to hold the boy. The way he blushed and scowled, looking so adorable when he did so. It took too much effort to keep from glomping the kid on a regular basis.

"Tsu-chan?" He blinked out of his thoughts and glanced down at the child gazing up at him, "You're still here Tsu-chan? Well, that's good. I need your help."

Tsuzuki nodded, then tried to regain his usual happy demeanor, "Sure 'Suko-chan, what's up?"

"Nii-san fell asleep in your office. Could you take him home without waking him up? I think he really needs his rest. Please?" Setsuko asked shyly, but giving him a small smile as he bit his lower lip.

Taking Hisoka home without waking him up? That required Tsuzuki to carry his partner home. What if the boy woke up before then? He would yell at him, making him feel terrible again. But he deserved it supposedly. Besides, it wasn't as if Tsuzuki really wanted to leave Hisoka there in the office. And carrying the boy wasn't something he disliked. Since it had become somewhat of a regular occurrence since their first meeting, Tsuzuki didn't mind at all.

With a sigh, he smiled sadly at the girl, "Hai. I'll take him home."

"Okay! Thank you, Tsu-chan!" she beamed up at him, clearly pleased by this, "Oh and don't worry, he doesn't hate you. Nii-san misses you just as much. Remember that."

Then she was gone, having bounded off down the hall to where Wakaba and Terazuma were waiting for her. Tsuzuki stared in a stupor, how had she known that was what he'd bee thinking? Was it really that apparent that even a nine year old could read his thoughts via his expression? Shaking his head, Tsuzuki began walking in the opposite direction, praying that what Setsuko said was true and things could go back to normal soon. He really missed his partner.

"Kaa-san, your garden's so pretty!"

A woman chuckled, smiling at the statement and quite proud of her handiwork, "Why thank you my little rose. Now tell me, which flowers do you like best?"

"I like them all Kaa-san!"

"You have no favorite, little one?" another chuckle.

"Anou… I guess I like the roses best!"

"Really? Why's that? Is it because I call you my little rose?"

"Hai! But also because they're very pretty. They come in lots of colors and bloom prettily. Oh! And they symbolize eternal love, you told me that Kaa-san. Roses will live forever!"

"Hai, roses are very beautiful. And it's true that they bring love with them, but they also bring pain and suffering. They are colored red for a reason… And roses do not live forever."

There was silence as what was said was reflected upon, finally a voice penetrated the silence, "Why do roses die?"

"All things bright and beautiful eventually die, Setsuko."

"Oh…"

Setsuko stared out her window, seeing nothing except for distant memories that ran through her head. They had been doing so ever since she came to a conclusion six days ago. Eleven days ago, she and Hisoka had awoken in the infirmary after passing out in the library. The girl had assumed this came from the link they had created to transfer some of her pain into the boy. However, now she saw that something more had happened. She no longer possessed her curse.

Shivering, the child realized that the only explanation was that the curse in it's entirety was transferred into Hisoka. She had noticed the symptoms in him; lack of sleep, eating, twitching, dilated pupils, nausea, and headaches were all obvious in the boy. Setsuko could also see that he was becoming more distant, something she had done in the early stages of becoming cursed. That was the stage where her parents suspected that something was wrong with her. Their daughter wasn't normal. Mocha eyes blinked back tears, she would not think about them. Her parents no longer loved her, so there was no point in loving them back. Well, that's what Hisoka had told her once when he explained the situation he had with his own family.

So he isolated himself from others, keeping a safe distance so he wouldn't be hurt again. Distance from others… well, Tsuzuki had informed her that Hisoka wasn't very social and tended to keep to himself more often than not… but what the boy was doing may have been considered going overboard. He would literally dart out of a room if his partner was to enter it. He would not be seen for hours on end, yet somehow all his paperwork for the day would get done. It was odd, but not as odd as his eyes were appearing as of late. Hisoka's emerald depths had lost all traces of life or liveliness that he once possessed. The glares he sent were merely forced, there was no meaning behind them and they were only done as routine. His eyes were dull and empty, it frightened Setsuko to look into them, for she feared that one day she'd look up into them and see nothing. Hisoka's overall appearance was beginning to disturb her, he was much too sickly and his flesh too pallid.

Tsuzuki was also beginning to worry her. He had the look of someone lost; similar to how he appeared the day Hisoka had a nightmare in the office and the brunette had taken her outside to see his garden. It was fearful and unsure, something she did not like to see in the older man. Tsuzuki had always come off as a cheerful, carefree individual. This lonely and depressed disposition did not suit him at all, yet it seemed so natural to him. Setsuko could tell by the way he stood or walked or hunched over his work. He'd been like this before. She was slightly relieved to have been able to replace that look earlier, by telling him that Hisoka missed him. It was true, and obvious. Both shinigami seemed out of place without the other, incomplete. Hisoka was always looking to the door or watching Tsuzuki as he went about his business. Tsuzuki himself was always staring absently at the boy when he could or observing how he'd leave so abruptly.

It was annoying how both acted completely oblivious to the other's feelings, Setsuko wondered if that was how it had always been between the two. If it had, then that would get old fast. However, she decided that maybe because of their pasts, they wanted to take it slow and be sure of how the other felt. I mean, anyone can see they both love each other. Well, at least you can see that Tsu-chan loves nii-san. she mused, tapping her fingers on the window sill. I have to do something to bring them together. It's obvious they need each other. But, if nii-san has the curse then I don't think it'll be all that easy to get them both happy and together. Maybe he'll give me back my curse if I ask nicely.

Proud of her newfound idea, Setsuko slipped out of her room and to the door. She buckled on her shoes, listening to Wakaba's cheerful humming as she prepared something in the kitchen. The girl wouldn't be gone too long, so there was no need to worry Wakaba in telling her that she was leaving. Ever so quietly, she opened the front door and tiptoed out into the hall. Once the door was closed again, she breathed a sigh of relief before padding down the hallway to the elevator. She'd been to Hisoka's apartment building before, never went in his room of course, but knew his room number and floor number due to Tsuzuki.

"Nii-san, I-I think that something went wrong with my curse." Setsuko had told him hesitantly.

Hisoka looked at her tiredly, "What do you mean? What happened?"

"A-anou… I think you have it…"

The elevator descended with her aboard, coming to a shuddery halt on the ground floor. The child stepped out of the metallic transportation device and was launched into a crowd of people. I hope nii-san's feeling better. She thought as she pushed her way through the mob, a simple task thanks to her small size. From her apartment building, she could easily spot Hisoka's. It was getting dark out, but not so much that it would provide any sort of danger to her. With her destination and sense of obligation set, Setsuko began towards the apartment building, the feeling of apprehension rising in her tiny frame.

I love you all! You're so kind to me my faithful reviewers! -cookies for all-
1. ffpanda: Really? Are you psycic? Don't give away the ending if you know! Heh, kidding, well keep your fingers crossed! I haven't decided which ending appeals to me more... fluffy or tragic... or both! Heh, thanks for reviewing!
2. jennamarie: Yay, I'm feeling much better thank you! And hopefully more updates will come!
3. lunarkitty14: Of course I wouldn't abandon them! I love them all too much. Thank you for the review and I'll be sure to tell 'Soka of the pinkhouse dress.
4. Kyokutou: Thank you, everyone's get well wishes made me overcome the evil flu-thing! Thanks for reviewing, and I should give Hisoka a break... but that'll come later! Maybe... if I'm nice.
5. Warchild: Thank you for reviewing!
6. Hazel-Beka: Aw, I hope you feel better too. And yeah, 'Soka is just one of those curse-attracting peoples. I'm glad my story cheered you up! Thanks for the review!
7. E-san: ... who told you? lol. Kidding, awesome evil laugh though!
8. darkrini: My first stalker! -glomps- Hooray! -takes cookie- Thank you! I'm glad that I have inspired you through my writing. Good luck with graduating! And thanks for reviewing! so much too say lol

9. karin1004: Yeah he would, which is why 'Soka does not tell him. Worry+Tsuzuki+Hisokanot good. Thank you for the review!
10. jenjenjen: Thank you! I'm happy to be of service!
11. Sam: Hooray! I gots a 9 out of 10 -dances- whoot whoot! Okay, umm, yeah Hisoka and Setsuko are supposed to be like brother and sister but only when others aren't around. As for Haruna... DIE BITCH! I really hate Haruna, but she is necessary for the plot. Her powers kinda freak me out though... and her eyes... and just her in particular. Thank you for reviewing!
12. Dreamer-chan: Waaai! Thank you!